Finger Food
by chaann
Summary: AU - Deidara's father is going on a long business trip! In dire need of a caretaker, his father calls up the son of a good friend and offers him spending money, food and housing while attending Uni. All for the care of one sweet child? How could Sasori refuse this great deal!
1. Meetings

They stood there face to face. One holding a look of annoyance, one of scheming. Well, that's what one of them thought. I mean how could he not? He and children did not get along at all.

"Sasori I'm so thankful that you can do this! Remember my house in now your house, there is a fund you can use to care for yourself and Deidara - I trust you will use it wisely. I mean, who am I kidding? You're Yoshiro's son! He was the most responsible man I'd ever met -"

Whatever else the man was saying Sasori didn't hear, he himself was too busy processing what the little blond boy could possibly thinking about. No five year old boy could stand there so perfectly still with such a look on their face without planning something.

Maybe the kid was just brain dead? Sure the kid was undeniably cute to even someone like Sasori, but the boy wasn't hiding the fact he wasn't going to make his job very easy. Well, you just had to look at him! Blond hair that looked like it had never seen scissors, and not to mention a wealthy father who appeared to buy the him his every desire. This kid was going to be a spoiled little shit that's for sure.

Wait wait wait, what's going on here?

Well the lowdown is, Sasori and Deidara's fathers used to be best friends in school, while Sasori's father quickly became a family man, Deidara's went to the life of a high position job and working immediately, putting off marriage and family until later in life. After taking a widowing break after losing his wife, Deidara's father had to go back to work - and would be going overseas and have no one to care for his sweet treasure, Deidara.

Needing someone to 'babysit' his son, he could find no one to care for his angel. In the end he had called up Sasori, the son of his old friend, when he found out the boy would be going to university in the city. Offer to pay for food and housing in exchange for the nanny-care of one child, how could Sasori refuse?

The man kneeled down to his son and planted a big kiss on his cheek bringing Sasori and the boy out of their staring battle. "Alright Deidara, you be good for Sasori! I'll be back in six months for a visit."

The boy named Deidara nodded and looked back to Sasori and gave a smile before wrapping his hands around his fathers neck in a big hug, "Of course Daddy! Nanny and I will have sooooo much fun, un!" He pulled away and received another big kiss from his father, "I'll miss you Daddy, please stay safe."

Just then there was a car horn, "Ah, there's the taxi!" He grabbed his bags and ran out the door to the vehicle, once he was all settled in he looked back to the two boys standing on the front porch and called from the window, "I love you baby! Kisses!" And started blowing many kisses which Deidara returned happily.

As the car turned the corner, Sasori looked down at the sad looking boy and patted his shoulder. "It's ok, he'll be fine." However he quickly pulled away and as the little boy gave him another toothy smile.

Sasori didn't say anything for a moment but just stared wide eyed at Deidara. apparently the simple smile screamed THREAT. Well, at least it did to Sasori, who was still holding onto the idea that the small blond was without a doubt a demon child. ' you're doing this for benefits, not the kid.' He thought bitterly and took a deep breath.

The boy on the other hand teetered on his feet and chewed on his knuckle, "So nanny, what are we gonna do now?"

Sasori grit his teeth, the Nanny name would have to go as soon as possible. Heaven forbid the brat call him that in public. It would be like a child calling their Mother 'Woman' in public. Not that Sasori was the kids Mother, It'd just be rude and the redhead would have no tolerance for a rude snot nose child. Besides, a male nanny wasn't a job you went around telling people you had, it would best to keep that under cover...

"Nanny! I'm so bored, you're killing me, blah!"

"Can you NOT call me Nanny? I have a name and it's Sasori and you will address me as such."

"Our house has an address! I'm not sure what its for, but it has one! Nanny, did your old house have an address?" The boy rambled sitting on the floor with a thud at the older mans feet.

Sasori growled and stomped out of the living room and marched to his own, hopefully the kid would take the hint and leave him alone. Maybe also learn to not call him a Nanny -

"Nanny~!"

Sasori looked behind him to see the smiling child running with a waddle after him and grit his teeth. "You have toys in your room! There is a TV! I'm here to watch you, not entertain you so leave - me - ALONE!" And with that he slammed the door in the boys face. He walked over to his desk and started to work on a piece of art, which so happens to be puppets.

He achieved maybe twenty seconds of silence until a loud thump hit the door -most likely the boy falling on it in a hissy fit - and then uncontrollable sobbing broke out from behind it. Sasori smirked 'if that spoiled brat thinks crying will get me to play with him, he's dead wrong!'

Deidara cried and cried and cried, and it seemed like it wasn't ever going to let up. Sasori even thought he was going to break since it would take a heart of stone or nerves of steal to put up with that shit - and Sasori certainly didn't have nerves of steal. Lucky for him however after about twelve minuets, the crying turned into a whimper, and then stopped completely.

Sasori worked for another thirty minutes and then decided he had had enough - that boy was far too quiet for his own good! He was clearly up to something out there, how could he not? The redhead had only yelled at him, slammed the door in his face, and left...him...to...cry...

"Oh shit..."

The boy could have run away for all he knew! He quickly picked up the pace after his epiphany and opened the door, but almost tripped on a lump on the floor. Sasori caught his balance and looked and the lump and sighed. He bent down and picked up the sleeping child and started carrying him to his own room.

After getting him to his own bed to rest more, Sasori inwardly groaned at the circles under the small boys eyes, and the tear stains on the his fat cheeks. Perhaps he really had gone too far.

The next time he looked at the blond Sasori jumped in shock as two blue eyes stared at him quietly. "Uh, hey brat."

"Unnn...Why do you be so mean?" Sasori raised a red brow at the boy in question. "Daddy said he would have someone nice an caring an stuff an would play with me but you're a meanie weenie."

Sasori let out a disgruntled noise and ran a hand through his hair. Why did he treat the boy so badly? He'd only been here hardly an hour and the kid just wanted to play!

"Well you kept calling me Nanny you see..." Sasori murmured slowly as if trying to think of more reasons to justify his shitty behavior. "and I don't really get along with kids. They always act like little brats."

The boy giggled and twisted around in his bed before reaching out a small leg and kicking the older male, "I'm going to hafts to live up to that excepshun now Meanie, un."

Sasori sighed and rested his head in his hands, "I'm Meanie now?"

"Un. You no likey?"

"Not particularly..."

Deidara giggled and grabbed the bottom hem of his shirt to chew on. "Nana na boo boo! naan na duh...nana dan na..na" the boy mumbled kicking his feet around playfully.

"You could just call me Sasori y'know?"

Deidara rolled on his other side and laughed, "Yeah right, of course cause you're the boss, Dan-na!"

Sasori froze.

Deidara sat up.

"Please Brat, not that!"

The boy hopped up and started jumping on the bed giggling, "No can do Danna, un!" Before plopping himself onto Sasori's lap. "What are we gonna play, Danna? What's for dinner, Danna? How old are you, Danna? What's your favorite colour Danna - "

Sasori slowly raised his hands to his face and let out a sigh. Truly this kid was going to make his life hell.

* * *

I blame cheesepie.

deidara is 5 and entering grade 1. He started school early, yes. Sasori is 19 and entering his first year of university to clear things up more.


	2. Icecream

"Dannaaaaa!"

Sasori rolled his eyes back in his head is exasperation. The boy had just finished talking about how redbean filling is better than plum and before that about how he's not sure which toy bird is his favorite AND BEFORE THAT about how he doesn't like getting fluff between his toes!

"What..what could you possibly want to talk about NOW Deidara?" He seethed through clenched teeth. He was busy carving an had absolutely no more time to put up with the child's constant chatter.

"I'm hot!" Deidara cried rolling on the floor in his underwear with the electric fan facing him. "I wanna pasicle, un."

"Pasicle? PASICLE?" Sasori turned around angrily. Who taught this boy to speak? The word was POPSICLE. "This house doesn't have PASICLES."

Deidara huffed and started dragging himself out of the room pathetically. "Yes we do, un! I'll find them!"

Sasori snorted. "If you can find the PASICLES, you can eat them." At least the kid was going to leave him alone. The freezer that had the popsicles was in the basement and the boy was clearly scared of - said the notebook his father left. Not to mention with the size of the freezer, he'd like to see the boy get that thing open himself.

Sasori chuckled to inwardly and carried on with his work. In ten minuets the kid would be crying and begging for help, or give up and play elsewhere.

As he was working he just so happened to look at his watch, it had been eleven minuets and he heard nothing. Another ten minuets went by, and nothing. The house was dead silent, surely if the boy was in the basement he would be safe.

"It's not like he tried to get the Popsicles out and fell in the freezer...and had it close on him...where he could suffocate in there..." He reasoned to himself.

Terrible reasoning on his part. Sasori yelped and ran as fast as he could to the door that led to the dark basement. The light was on but he had to travel down to even see the freezer. On his way down he fell and slid on his butt a large amount of steps. "Ouch!" He picked himself up and ran down the rest and around the corner and froze breathless and utterly frustrated.

There on the floor sat the boy in his underwear, covered in an array of glossy colours and chocolate. Popsicle wrappers and sticks all over the floor and an ice cream sandwich currently being stuffed into an open mouth. Deidara looked at the older man and gave him chocolate covered smile as he wiped his chocolate fingers on his belly.

"I found the pasicles, un." And threw up.

* * *

deidara is me


	3. Alphabet

"H, i, j, k, ellomennobee, q r s, t u v, w, x, y and z! Now I know my ABC's next time won't you sing with meee!"

Sasori turned around from cooking and raised a brow at the small boy singing and coloring in a book on the kitchen floor. "Wait, what did you say between k and q?"

The boy looked at his fingers and counted carefully, "Unnn...abc...ijk...Ellomennobee?"

"What the heck is ellomennobee?"

The boy furrowed his brows and gave the older man a disgruntled look. "The letters between k and q, duh!" He then raised a hand to his face shook his head almost like he was mocking Sasori. "I thought big peoples were apposeded to be smart!"

Sasori decided to ignore that last remark and grabbed two plates from the cupboard to start serving the food.

Deidara hopped up in his chair at the table and started to eat as soon as the plate was placed in front of him, Sasori joining him soon after.

Brown eyes narrowed as they watched the young boy eat, the alphabet still bothering the redhead. He had let the pasicle-popsicle incident go on too long and he ended up cleaning a huge mess. He wouldn't dream of going through that again, but how to solve the child's alphabet in a tactful and adult-like manner...

"Un? What's up Dannabanana?"

"I can believe they let you pass Kindergarten with ellomennobee!" He groaned loudly rubbing his head, clearly unimpressed with the education system of today.

Deidara put a very large forkful of food in his mouth and tilted his head in confusion . "Hat's rong ith ellomennobee, un?"

"What's wrong? What's wrong!?" Sasori snapped. "it's L-M-N-O-P! Not ellomennobee! Never ellomennobee! Any regular kid who went kindergarten should know that! What are you, stupid?"

Deidara eyes went wide and started to water so fast. Sasori froze and knew what was coming as he saw the inside of the boys opened mouth as he went to cry. He quickly raised a hand subconsciously to catch the down pour of food pooling out of the blonds mouth, catching most of it, leaving only a small clump to land on the floor.

So here he was.

A hand full of half chewed food and a screaming child because Sasori - the biggest idiot bully ever - made fun of how the five year old sang the alphabet.

"I'm trash..."

Deidara continued to scream - with the occasional incomprehensible babble -tears ran down his face and arms flailed as Sasori ran beside him to calm him down. "Deidara, Deidara! Shh! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"

Most of the time he would let the boy cry it out, but this time he realized he was a piece of shit and needed to fix the problem. Or the kid might never forgive him , plot revenge, or worse, tell on him to his dad. Hey, in fact, Sasori might not forgive himself! That shot at Deidara was below the belt and he knew it.

Arms continued to flail about and with one good swing - a small fist rammed into Sasori's nose causing it to bleed. The blond jumped when he heard the pop and looked over to see a pool of blood pouring from the older mans nose.

Sasori yelped and grabbed at his nose, having a small hope that watching him suffer would make the boy laugh but...the screaming got even louder. It was no longer like a cry of sadness, but more like one of fear and pure terror. He was completely hysterical.

Sasori still being the biggest idiot he could be in one day, was genuinely confused by the boys fear, but jumped up and grabbed a dish towel and held it up to his face, "I'm sorry Deidaraaa! You're not stupid, it was an honest mistake that we can work on together!"

The screaming immediately stopped and the crying dies down, but when the boy when to rub his teary eyes, he began to cry more when he noticed Sasori's blood on his fists.

"No no no! Deidara it's ok!" he grabbed the bloody fist and wiped it off on his sleeve, "I'm fine, you're fine." He said in a calm manner, then wrapped an arm around the boy and pulled him close while patting his back until he began to hear the boy's breathing calm. All while holding his still bleeding nose.

"Why are y-you stho m-mean to me-e, unnn..." The boy cried pathetically in retaliation.

"Deidara, I'm just not good with kids." Sasori looked to the side and groaned "I'm sorry that I was mean, please accept my apology. Trust me, apologizing is self growth."

Deidara looked at the man for a moment and rubbed his eyes and then his nose with the hand that didn't hit Sasori. His breath was shakey as he calmed down a bit more. "Are ya still bleeding, un?"

Sasori looked down and the now very red and white cloth and sighed, "Probably not, why don't you finish your dinner while I fix this up, ok?"

"Danna!" The boy called out to Sasori who was just walked out of the room"

Sasori poked his head back in, "What?"

Little fingers twiddled about, "Uhm, you know about what you said about the helping me with the ABC's... Can you help me tonight, un?"

Sasori scratched his head with the hand not holding the cloth and sighed, he had a lot of prep school work to do and didn't want to fall behind but... He looked at the blonds hopeful blue eyes and caved. "Sure, finish eating, then let me eat and we can get started." It's not like it would take forever, right? And besides, he could always put the boy to bed right afterwards, giving him more time to work in peace. "I can't let you start the school year with ellomennobee." Sasori sighed walking to the bathroom to fix his nose.

Deidara looked up at the man with bright eyes and a gleaming smile and called after him from the table when he left, "Thank you Danna!"

* * *

Trash Baby Sasori learned his lesson. Deidara is so forgiving.

Did u see the cover image I made? Look. Look at their stupid faces.


	4. Spider

He liked to think of himself as a big man. Sure he was short, but he was nineteen! Practically an adult. Well, technically an adult. He lived away from home, was going to university pretty quick and in the end had a child to take care of.

Big man. Big big man.

If he was so big however, why was he sitting there watching a massive black spider on the wall so intently? Oh ho, that's right. His new school bag was right under it. He had told Deidara not to touch the bag and to not even go near it! The boy was good and heeded his words, but right now Sasori could only think of how he wished the blonde had the bag and not the spider.

It could be any bug really. Sasori wasn't a fan of them, and clearly they weren't a fan of him either. He had swallowed far two many flies while riding his bike when younger, been stung by too many bees, and even bitten by of course - a spider.

Apparently he was delicious as well since you couldn't even count how many times he had had his blood sucked by Mosquitos. And what about that time he opened that old box in his grannies attic? The one that had the swarm of moths fly out? Not to mention how they were covered in germs, bugs all in all were just really gross!

But sure, Sasori did like scorpions. His name means scorpion for goodness sake! It didn't mean he'd wander over and pick one up - thing would sting him in an instance with his bug luck. They were cool to LOOK at though. Through glass of course.

"Hggrgnnnn..." Groaned loudly looking at the bug. He had tried to fan it with a sheet of paper hoping the air would startle it, but the thing only moved closed to his bag. "Hrrrgnn..."

Much for his displeasure to continue, loud thumping foot stomps came pounding down the hallway.

"Hrrrrrgnnn!" Sasori groaned burying his face in his hands preparing for what was to come...

A child burst around the corner and a loud voice shrieked, "Moto-cycle noises! Va va vroom!"

Sasori glanced over between his fingers and sighed as he saw an airplane in the boys hand. Planes didn't make motorcycle noises, but Sasori knew better now than to correct him. He certainly didn't need to deal with the boy crying at this time.

Deidara halted and looked at his caretaker and frowned at the silence and put the plane down on the floor beside the redhead. Something was very wrong - he wasn't angry or yelling at him like he usually would. "Danna, what's up?"

"Hgnnnnhr..." He groaned once more. "I'm sad and defeated as I am no longer a big man."

"SAD and DEFEATEDED? Why? What's wrong, un?"

Sasori sighed and lowered his hands and looked back to the spider that had moved an inch closer to his bag. The thing might as well be touching it. Deciding he didn't need it - or already didn't have the kids respect, he leaned foreword to tell the kid the truth. "There is a spider too close to my bag. I hate spiders."

He watched as Deidara's mouth opened in shock, close, and then open again to make fun of him. "How dare that spider!" The boy yelled angrily as he stomped his feet and waves his arms like a lunatic. "How dare it make Danna sad and defeateded!

"Hah?" Sasori jolted back startled.

Deidara booked it and ran for the wall with a mighty warrior yell, and quickly raised his hand and smacked the spider with the palm of his hand.

Silence filled the room as Deidara's hand stayed on the wall for a moment. Sasori watched as the blond smushed around his hand for a moment before looking back at the him with an oddly determined yet disgusted look. "It crunched."

Deidara then peeled his hand off the wall and both boys got a look at a black smear on the wall and one spider leg. Sasori dove his face into his hands in disgust and Deidara looked at his own hand and crinkled his face.

He grabbed the bag with his clean hand before running back to the red head. "Here's the bag! Spider is gone! Now you can't be sad and defeateded! I'm the hero, un!"

Sasori took the bag and looked at the boy thoughtfully, "thank you very much Deidara... Is there anything I can do for you in return Mr. Hero?"

The child hummed for a moment and looked around the room, his eyes landing on Sasori in the end. "I wanna hug!"

"Tch! Fine." Sasori scowled as he leaned in letting Deidara wrap his hands around his neck. He awkwardly wrapped his arms around the tiny body gently as he felt the child grab a handful of his red hair. "Ok, enough." He pulled away and Deidara let go.

"Oh oh! That's right Danna! Look at my hand! When I squished the spider all the guts and stuff got on my han - " the boy looked at his hand and then the other but couldn't find any bits of spider.

"Excuse me Deidara?" Sasori asked a little uneasy as he looked in Deidara's small hands as well.

"Oh! I must have rubbed the spider guts off in your hair when we hugged, un. Oopsies!"

* * *

I blame AbsoluteAnarchy. Go read her bug story.


	5. Sandwich

There was a time when Sasori liked staying at home on a Saturday.

"Danna, I'm hungryyy!"

The red head cringed yet again at the child's insistent whining for food. Surely the kid wasn't THAT hungry yet, they had eaten a large breakfast only two hours ago! Sasori was sure the boy would take two bites, say he's full, and strut out of there until the actual time for lunch. At least when the kid was at school, he had no choice when he could eat.

"Dannaaaa! I'm going to tell my dad you're starving meeee!"

Yes there was a time.

Sasori huffed and got up from his cozy spot at his desk and knelt before the boy to see him face to face "Fine fine fine fine! What do you want for lunch?"

"Grilled cheese sandwich, un!"

Sasori inwardly smiled. Not at the boys' chipper behavior towards a sandwich, but to the fact he can easily cook one up. Hurray for children liking simple, greasy grub!

While Sasori was cooking however, he had to continue listening to the blond rolling on the floor groaning in agony over how hungry he was.

"Alright! Done!" He placed it on the table and went to get the boy a glass of juice, "Come and eat ALL of it."

Deidara leapt off the floor happily and climbed up on to the chair, eyes twinkling momentarily before giving the sandwich a distraught look.

Sasori put the glass of juice down and rose an eyebrow at the horrified look the blond was giving his food. "What's wrong?"

With a good push at the plate, "You didn't take off the crusties! I never eat the crusties, un! It's sooo gross!"

The older boy sighed and grabbed the sandwich away from him and quickly cut off the crust, "Better, your majesty?"

"It's not cut in half!"

Sasori took it back and went to cut it right through the middle, but deemed if he had cut it wrong he'd have to cook a new one, "Cut in the middle or diagonally?"

"Middle!"

After cutting it down the middle, yet again the sandwich found itself if front of the boy, but Deidara didn't touch it, but rather looked at the sandwich closer. He gave the hot oozing cheese a poke and crinkled his nose, "Ewww! What did you put in the sandwich? Melted plastic, un?"

"No? Just a slice of processed cheese." Sasori said holding up a extra single slice of the cheese like it was no big deal.

Deidara pulled away his finger and looked at the food like it was poison and wiped off the cheese that had stuck to his finger - conveniently onto his clothes. "I can't eat process cheese, I DON'T eat process cheese! It looks fake and gross and bad and gross!" Deidara picked up the plate and held it towards Sasori, "Take it back and make one with REAL cheese in the cheese drawer in the fridge!"

Sasori let out a sigh that sounded like a hiss and went to make Deidara a new sandwich, this time using cheddar cheese, cutting off the crust, and slicing it down the middle. All of course while listening to the brat whine about how hungry he was and how he was dying.

"Better?"

Deidara looked at sandwich and opened it and let out a loud sigh that made Sasori growl lowly, "What is it now, Brat?"

"You forgot the white cheese, Danna."

"White cheese? You didn't ask for white cheese, let alone two different types!"

The boy raised a small hand and put it to his face and let out a dramatic sigh, "I said the cheese in the cheese drawer, un. There are exactly two cheeses in there, riiight?"

Sasori grabbed the plate away, "Ok so I'll just put some on and a nuke it in the microwave..."

"No! That will make it soggy and the white cheese won't melt very good! Do it over, un!"

Now Sasori was angry, there was no way he was making three sandwiches for the kid!

"Hurryyyy I'm hungryyy and 'm dyyying!"

Ok so maybe he was.

Sasori cut two different cheeses, made the sandwich, cut off the crust, cut it down the middle and served it to the blond. "That is the absolute LAST sandwich I'm making for you! Eat it or starve and - "

"Looks delicious, un! Thank you Danna!" The boy interrupted picking up the sandwich and eating it with a large smile on his face, looking up and Sasori giggling.

Sasori on the other hand looked away blushing and picked up the second made sandwich and ate it himself, the anger he felt earlier disappearing... Only for a moment until he walked to the sink to clean up...

"Hey you!"

He turned around to see the blond sitting on the floor below the counter snacking on the first sandwich that he had made and left there, "This is delicious! Way better than the way I eat them usually! Danna, make all my grill cheese sandwiches with process cheese from now on, un!"

Sasori raised his wet hands and covered his face, "This boy is going to be the end of me..."

* * *

This was actually this first babydei I wrote like a month ago

i then I changed that Sasori and deidara live in japan, but I didn't know what other food I could use so I stuck with good ol grill cheese. in this Japan they eat it. shhhh


	6. School shopping

"This is dumb."

"You're dumb."

"I don't wanna go back ta school, un."

"Neither do I. What colour do you want?"

Deidara glared up at the four packs of pencils the older male was holding and meowed. Sasori looked back with a glare of his own and barked causing the child to grab his leg, bury his face into it and giggle.

"I want the blue ones, un! And the red ones!"

Sasori nodded and tossed them into the cart and walked to the next item on the list - erasers. "Pick a pack."

Little hands started grabbing at every pack they could reach and eyes looked them all over angrily. "They're all so ugly! Why can't racers be pretty? Un." he groaned and hunched over with a huff.

Brown eyes rolled and ended up glancing at a pack of four flower shaped erasers. Sasori hummed and then grabbed them and handed them over to Deidara. "That's a pretty as they get." He saw no harm in offering the kid girly erasers as he surely wouldn't pick them - right?

"Perfecto!"

Or not.

"Next is pencil crayons, scissors and paper."

Not giving Deidara the option this time and no longer having the patience, he picked them for him and in the cart they went. "Now we do some more shopping for me, grab onto the cart."

Deidara huffed sadly and hopped onto the end of it for a ride.

Sasori had already picked out some mechanical pencils and assorted pens when in the pencil section with Deidara and some sketchbooks at the art store they were at prior to coming this store.

So onward they continued to walking down the aisle a little further to get some notebooks. Sasori grabbed two black ones and two brown paper-like ones and tossed them into the cart.

"Wow you have really bad taste, Danna. Everything you picked is really borin, un." Deidara mumbled trying to reach in the cart and grab the books.

"I like boring. Careful, you're going to fall - in..." Sasori sighed as he was cut off for a moment by Deidara falling in. He walked around to grab the boy from his ankles to pull him from the cart

"Weeee!" Deidara squealed with a shrill voice, and squirmed to look towards Sasori who was still holding him upside down. "Everyone can see my belly, un!"

"That they can. Are you...learning your lesson?" Sasori took a shot hoping that holding him like this was unpleasant for the boy and might count as a form of punishment.

Deidara scoffed back at Sasori and then screamed, "Everyone! Look at my nipples haha!"

Being highly unimpressed with the kids immaturity, he flipped him upside right so fast and shoved him in the cart so he no longer had the freedom to wander around.

"Stay there. We're leaving." Of course being restricted like this, it caused Deidara to whine for a moment before grabbing everything in the cart and throwing it on the floor.

"What the hell do you think your doing you little shit!" Sasori yelled as he dove to pick up what the brat had thrown out.

Deidara on the other hand looked at Sasori very seriously - like a serious chipmunk. "I wanna get out of the cart, un." he stated and proceeded to throw back out the stuff the other had managed to put back in.

"Fine fine fine!" Sasori hissed behind clenched teeth as he yanked the boy out of the cart and dropped him on the floor with a harsh plop - ultimately receiving a loud whine from the blond. "Checkout counter now!"

"Hmph!" Deidara grunted and turned his head to the side and nodded, then took off to the counter leaving Sasori still picking up the school supplies. "What id wrong with you today!? Get back here you brat!"

Sasori picked up speed plopped everything in the cart and booked it to the counter after the boy - who he could see was pestering the poor cashier.

"Aww! Aren't you sweet! Would you like a sticker, honey?" She asked with a big smile on her face while holding out a clear plastic sheet covered in stickers that were shaped like various art and office tools.

"The paint pallet please, un!"

"Awww! Sure thing sweetie!"

Or maybe he wasn't pestering the cashier...

Sasori opened the car door and Deidara grumpily crawled in and buckled himself up as he threw the bags beside the booster seat. How he ever thought doing all school supplies shopping for the both of them in one day was possible, who knows why. Three different stores for two people was just ridiculous. He then handed Deidara a book and a small packet of crayons for the drive home and slammed the door closed.

Clearly Sasori was still mad about the shopping fiasco, and he himself could tell the boy was still a little bitter. Weren't kids his age ALWAYS excited to go back to school?

'Maybe he's just having a bad day.' Sasori thought as he turned out of the parking lot.

As he started driving he heard rustling of plastic bags. Without even looking back, "Look - don't open."

Deidara grunted in return and they both went back to driving and drawing in silence.

Buildings got smaller as the city turned residential. The car was still silent if you didn't count the sound of Sasori's clunking car. "Finally home..." Sasori muttered as the pulled up to the house. "Pack up Deidara, get ready to get out or I'm leaving you in the car."

"Yes Danna, un."

Deidara then threw what he was holding back into the plastic bag, closed his crayon box and put his notebook back into the drivers backseat pouch.

As they walked into the house, Deidara made a quick beeline for his room and remained in there quietly almost as if he was punishing himself since he was only ever like that when Sasori punished him. What was weird to Sasori was that he was GOING to punish Deidara, had the kid not run away into silence.

Sasori sighed being a little bothered by the behaviour since he'd have to deal with it or the reason for it sooner or later. He began to take the supplies out of their bags and began making two piles of 'Deidara' and 'Mine'.

As he was arranging his pile, he pulled out one of his new notebooks from the plastic bag and and looked at it for a moment with wide eyes.

There on the plain brown paper-like cover was the paint pallet sticker, a crudely drawn picture if two people in crayon - one big person with red hair and one small one with yellow. Birds and flowers were also included throughout the picture - as well as a sunshine in the top right corner. Sasori couldn't help but smile as he saw what was written above it all,

' i WiL miss yoU '

With the both of them going back to school at the end of the week, he and Deidara would certainly see each other less.

'That's why he was so cranky...' Sasori thought as he covered his mouth with his hand and rolled his eyes.

"Deidara, come here!"

Unlike his usual quick loud thumps that would ring down the hallway, now they were slow and landed with a smack of his bare feet. They were very much the footsteps of a sad child that was for sure.

When Deidara did make it to the kitchen he stopped in his place as Sasori held up the notebook to the boy. Deidara's eyebrows shot upwards and his bottom lip stuck out sadly. He looked utterly pathetic.

Sasori put all his weight onto one leg and held his arms open in an inviting way. "Come here."

Short legs took tiny steps, but eventually got close enough to Sasori to be picked up. The older male swiftly pushed the boys head onto his shoulder and as expected, Deidara began to cry.

"I don't w-wanna go ta school! I wanna stay and p-play with Danna, unnn!"

"Yeah, yeah. I know you want to stay with me for some strange reason, you little weirdo." Sasori began patting his back and rocked him side to side until he heard the breathing calm down and the crying turned to a quiet whimper. "It's okay. I'll still see you in the morning, after school, weekends, and I do attend school only four days a week. We'll still get to play."

Deidara let out another sad whine and pulled away from the older boys neck giving Sasori an eyeful of big wet, blurry blue eyes. He reached up and wiped at the tears with his sleeve making the child smile.

"How about a put a movie on?" Sasori suggested moving the boy onto his hip.

"Oh oh! Can you put the singing birdy one on?" Deidara asked wiggling in excitement and shoving his fist into his mouth.

Sasori sighed and rest his head against Deidara as he started walking to the living room and putting him on the couch. "You mean the one we watched yesterday?"

"Un! Can ya make popcorn too!?"

"Sure..." Sasori grumbled throwing a small fuzzy blanket on the boy and handing him a large fluffy blue bird.

"And you're gonna sit with me!?"

"Mhmm..."

"And you're gonna stay for the whole thing this time!?"

Sasori groaned and fell back against the wall dramatically and let out a whine of his own, "...yeah..."

"Thank you Danna for makin me feel better, un."

He looked at the boy's cheerful smile and smiled back. For a different reason of course. Deidara had a face of a child that would fall asleep within twenty minutes of the movie, leaving Sasori with at least thirty minuets of quiet and the ability to tell the kid the movie had ended.

"You'll be fine Sasori... Deidara will be fine Sasori... Everything will be fine Sasori..."

Deidara covered his mouth a laughed at Sasori before shoving the hand that was covering his laugh into his mouth. "Hey Danna?" He gargled "It's just school, Danna. And I know you'll miss me, but don't be a worry pants, un."

Sasori gawked at the boys snide remark and growled at the idea of Deidara treating him like the child. He slid down against the wall down to the floor, "but...earlier it was you...it's not fair." and crumpled into a ball.

"Popcorn and movie ain't gonna play itself Danna!" Deidara yelled flopping around I getting comfy.

"This is dumb."

"You're dumb."

"...I can't wait till you go back to school, brat."

* * *

I won't be doing a deidara's first day back at school.

This one came out a little long since its transitional. oh and a whole lot mushy . uh so bye


	7. Swearing

"But I'm glad I'm back at school!~"

"Eat your damn breakfast!" Sasori yelled as he drove through early morning traffic to get Deidara and himself to school.

Sasori's class didn't start until an hour after Deidara's, but the way traffic was going and would be going would take forever. Not to mention he didn't trust Deidara's ability to say goodbye without throwing a temper tantrum.

Besides, Sasori hated waiting or making others wait. He also just learned he hated when Deidara would sing while in traffic.

"Ohh a bus! I love buses, un!"

"Eaaaaaat."

Deidara hummed and continued to eat his toast and apple slices that were placed on a serviette on his lap and kicked his legs causing them to makes loud thumps against his booster seat. One shoe flew off and hit the dashboard making Sasori grab it and throw it back at the him.

"When daddy and I would go to kinergarten, we would take the bus, un."

Sasori scoffed, "Your dad is rich though, why would he take the filthy, crammed bus?"

"Daddy can't drive no more."

"No more? Why can't he?"

"Daddy got too angry and yelled at too many other people and the sitting in traffic raised his blood pressure which is bad for his hearty, un."

"So he CHOOSES not to drive."

"No no, the policeman took away his license, un. That's why when he left he took a taxi. I think the driving might be bad for your heart too."

Sasori sweet dropped and then sat up a bit more regripping the steering wheel, "I'm fine, but I wish the police would take away my granny's license."

"Y'know, I got sented to the office cause I told my class about that day for show n tell."

"Really?"

"Un."

Sasori sighed as he waited for the next red light to turn green in silence until the blond finished chewing and opened his mouth again to talk.

"The day daddy got pulled over and arrested for throwing a road angry and assaluting the policeman, un."

Sasori snorted and rested his head against the steering wheel briefly as he did, sort of hoping the kid would go on. He had met the kids father a few times when he himself was younger. The man had always seemed so professional and successful. It was humorous to think that such a guy could act so immature.

'I can see where Deidara gets it from.' He thought while smirking.

"Part one of two, un."

"He's assaulted a police officer twice!?"

"Mmm, yeah... Said a lot of words I don't know the meaning to."

"Can you remember any of the words" Sasori asked hopefully that he didn't as a call home when he is in charge of the kid about swearing wouldn't be good.

"I forgot what they were - "

"Good."

"But then I heard you say them and I remembered, un!"

"Ah jeez." Sasori bit his lip as he forgot that he did happen to have a potty mouth around the kid.

"YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Deidara screamed in a malicious way and loud enough that the person in the car beside them looked over before rolling up their window.

Sasori on the other hand choked on his coffee and covered his mouth as he tried not to swear over getting it on his shirt.

"D-deidara you shouldn't say that." And rolled up his own window.

"I don't even know what shit is!"

"And you shouldn't say it if you don't know what it means!"

"But ya call me shit all the time, un!"

"Yeah well...stop saying it!"

"Does shit mean something bad? Are you calling me a bad name? Are you bad?" He gasped, "Am...I b-bad?"

Sasori's eyes went wide when he heard the kids voice cracking up. What a way to spend the first day of school. Discussing how he swears at a child in a malicious way so he can in turn go to school and tell everyone. Next thing you know he gets a visit from CPS about child abuse and has to explain to the father why Deidara was taken away.

"Shiiiiit."

"Shiiiiiiiit, un!"

"Dammit, no Deidara don't say that!"

"Dammit! Hey! That's another word!"

"Aaaargh!"

"Argh!~"

/-/-/

"So Deidara, what did you do over summer break?" A young grade one teacher asked her new student in an introductory circle time.

"..."

"Deidara?"

Deidara raised a hand and made and unlocking motion near his mouth. "I'm not allowed...to talk..." He finally responded quietly and locked his mouth back up.

She laughed and leaned in a little closer before tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "Uhm, and why not?"

Again he unlocked his lips, "...Cause swearing is bad an only for adults an I'm being punished, so I'm not going to talk to you or anyone, un."

Before he could lock them up again, a child yelled across from the floor circle. "But you're talking right now!"

"No I'm not, un!"

"Ya-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Enough you two! Deidara, that would be for the best. You're excused from talking."

"okay..." Deidara whispered and locked his lips.

"okay." she whispered back taking the imaginary key away from him and putting it in her shirt pocket, but not without making a mental note about sending a note home in the Deidara's planner.

Something as simple as that is all Sasori could have wished for from their first day back at school. Isn't that sad.

* * *

Anarchy, don't say I don't love you.

am I allowed to swear this much in the k+ section? I only plan on using the two of them but...? ? ? ? hey losers, help me out


	8. Crocagator

"Danna, psst. Dannaaa."

Sasori groaned at the loud whispering and snuggled deeper into his blankets.

"Dannnaaaa! Psssssst! Daaaanna!"

This time he got his hair tugged at and retaliated by rolling over, putting his back to the boy. "Office hours are closed Deidara. Go back to bed!"

"Daaaanna! Psst! It's a amemergency!"

Sasori flopped over and gave the boy a harsh glare. "I swear to god I'm not reading you another story or doing something stupid like checking your closet for monsters. Go to bed!"

"But - "

"Bed!"

Deidara let out a loud huff and stomped out of the room with his feet making harsh smacks. "When the house fills up with potty water and you drown, ya better not expect me to save you, un!"

Sasori sighed contently and flopped on his back. "Yeah yeah, whatever..."

A moment went by. A second moment went by. A third moment went by and almost became a fourth moment when it was stopped when he heard a loud shriek and... a splash?

Sasori jumped up so fast and ran to door tripping over one of Deidara's toys and stepping in a small puddle of water possibly left by Deidara's foot print.

"What do you me-an potty water!?" He yelled with his tired voice cracking while hopping on one foot as he cradled the other one that he hurt on the toy.

After a few good hops he was in the hallway wide eyed as he saw the light on in the hallway and water pooling out from under the bathroom door.

"Shit shit shitty shit!" He ran to investigate and quickly opened the door causing a flood of water to spill out.

"Way to go Danna! You let the waters escape, gruh!" A very wet and tearful Deidara cried hands full of soaking towels and toilet paper.

Sasori dove for behind the toilet and grabbed the silver nozzle and twisted it until the water flow would shut off so it the toilet could drain.

"Deidara! Where does your dad keep the mop?!"

"Mop?"

"Mop, yes the mop. Where is it? Quickly!"

The boy began to stutter and looked around before balling his fists at his side and turning up his head to bellow out a loud cry.

Feet still in water, Sasori grabbed the boy, plopped him in the bathtub and handed him a plastic cup. "Scoop the water into the tub as fast as you can!" He then made a quick run for each and every closet in the house in search for a bucket and mop.

Sasori growled at every closet that didn't have a either, but smiled hopefully as he opened the door that lead to a dark basement.

"Ohh! Please be in here!" He turned on the light and quickly made his way downstairs, however not without sliding down the last three onto his butt. Lucky for him as he let out a very unmanly squeal of joy, a mop fell in his lap and a bucket rolled against his foot.

Quick as lighting - if he hadn't fallen up the stairs three times - he was back in the bathroom where a panicked Deidara was still crying pathetically while scooping up cupful after cupful into the bathtub and down the tub drain.

Sasori quickly began using the mop to soak up the water and rang it out into the bucket over and over and an impressive speed. Even Deidara was in awe and he stopped to watch him momentarily - "Brat! Get back to work!"

After the water was contained to the bathroom, Sasori ran out to the hallway and quickly began removing the water from the wood floor. Heaven forbid it get water damage and he have to pay for the repairs. When he was done mopping it, he threw down some dry towels around the wall edges and went back to the bathroom to finish up.

"Thank god you have a big bathroom that could hold most of the water..."

Deidara had calmed down a considerable amount now that the immediate danger was over with, but suddenly the toilet started making noises...

Sasori scrambled to it and opened it up carefully. There was no danger in it either, just the last of the water draining out. However what he saw in the was quite unimpressive. Three rolls of toilet paper, one washcloth and... After dragging everything out with his hand and putting it in the trash bin - an alligator toy that was halfway down the toilet.

"My crocagator, un!"

Brown eyes glowed red and a heavy ragged breath escaped the older male."What...is this...doing...in the...toilet?" he asked as he squeezed the toy until in bent and his knuckles turned white.

"Yeah! In school today, um, our teacher readed us a book about crocagators in the toilet and how they used to be pets and uh, then they got big and liveded in the sewers, un!"

Sasori plopped on the now drying floor and sighed into his hand as he dropped the toy. Deidara on the other hand climbed out of the tub and sat on Sasori's lap. "You're my hero, Danna."

Sasori looked down and gave the boy an angry glare that the kid didn't see.

Deidara sniffed loudly and rubbed his tired red eyes with the back of his hand, "I didn't think you were going to help me, and you proveded me wrong." Small wet arms wrapped around Sasori's neck in a hug. "I can't wait to tell everyone about Super Danna, un!"

The redhead sighed again but this time he wrapped his tired arms around the boy. "How about you not tell everyone about everything." He mumbled and looked up at the clock. He groaned. It was about five thirty, they had been running around for well over an hour, neither of them got a good sleep and Deidara had spent all this time crying nonstop.

"How about you stay home from school tomorrow with me tomorrow?"

Deidara's eyes went wide, "Miss school? When I'm not sick? Isn't that like... against the rules?"

Sasori didn't have to go to school tomorrow no matter what, and the fact that Deidara would be home all day to bug him when he was relaxing and doing homework didn't seem too appealing. However the idea that he may get a a phone call half way through the morning about Deidara's tired appearance and wild toilet-talk stories seemed even more less appealing.

"No Deidara, you are sick. You'll feel it in a little bit since you got no sleep and had too much excitement." Sasori stood up with the boy in his arms and placed him on the counter and began to take off the child's wet spaceship pajamas. "Bath and then bed."

He eyed up the pajamas how when wet they hardly covered Deidara's little stomach and ankles, and then stuck a finger in the multiple holes in the fabric.

"You need a new PJs. We'll buy you some tomorrow."

"Oooh! An adventure, un!"

Once the boy was stripped and standing in one of the last dry towels, Sasori turned on the water and set it to the extended shower tool and sprayed around the tub as to clean it from the toilet water.

"Danna, are you getting in too?" Asked the blond when Sasori grabbed him and put him in the filling tub.

Sasori turned around and grabbed a few bath toys from a basket in the cupboard under the sink and looked at himself. He cringed as he realized he was soaked too and sighed as he plopped the toys in the water - each with a splash.

"Yeah sure, scooch over."

Deidara moved closer to the tap and played with the flow of water as Sasori got undressed and hopped in. After a few moments he reached foreword and turned off the water and sat back to catch his breath as the boy in front of him played with a small plastic boat, two sea creatures and a large plastic bird...of course...

"Ok cleaning time." Sasori said as he sat up and grabbed the boys shoulders to dunk him in the water. When Deidara popped back up he looked at Sasori and giggled as his long blond hair covered his face.

Sasori smirked and tugged the hair back, put kiddie shampoo in his hands and lathered the long hair.

"Now I finish mine as you do yours, un!"

Sasori nodded and held his breath as he sank into the water and reemerged with his hair over his own face making the child laugh loudly. Sasori bit his lip at the kids laughter and started to wash his own hair.

"Hey Danna, we match!" Deidara giggled pointing back and forth to the pile of foamy soap on top of their heads.

"Would you look at that, we do..."

Sasori then grabbed a bath cup - not to be mistaken with the toilet water cup - and filled it with water, "tilt your head back or get soap in your eyes!" More giggles erupted from the blond as he let the man wash the soap out of his hair.

When he was done, Sasori handed the boy a bar of soap to clean his own body, while he got to lean back and rinse his own hair from the bubbles.

"Ne, Danna?"

"What is it brat?"

Deidara turned around and grabbed Sasori's bent leg and rested his cheek on his knee "Thank you for your help. I'm sorry I flushed my crocagator down the potty and made a big mess."

A large hand reached up and ruffled the boys long hair. "It's ok, just don't do it again."

He then reached forward and pulled the plug making Deidara whine.

"Can we have more baths together from now on, un?"

Sasori furrowed his eyebrows in thought. Surly it wasn't creepy. He bathed with his grandmother until he was ten - wait ew you didn't need to know that.

Thankfully a grunt from the blond brought him back from his thoughts. Sasori groaned as big blue sad yet hopeful eyes begged for a yes. "All the other kids at school get to have baths with their parents!"

That sat in Sasori's stomach like a lump.

After Sasori got out and quickly dried himself, he grabbed his robe off the back of the door and put it on. He looked back to the tub where he heard loud squeaking and rolled his eyes as he watched the child slide around the bottom of the slippery tub on his butt while giggling. He walked forward with the fairly dry towel in his hands and caught Deidara, picking him up and moving him onto the floor and sighed. "Sure, but only sometimes when you've been a good boy!"

"Ok! I'll be good from now on!" Deidara cheered and threw his hands in the air knocking the towel out of Sasori's hands making it fall to the floor.

Sasori groaned as he watched the dancing naked child for a moment before he buried his face into his hands. "Oh how I wish that were true..." Sasori then proceeded to look at the pile of their wet clothes. "I also hope you have another pair of pajamas."

* * *

oh another update wow. this was like the second babydei I ever wrote hahaha

ive been thinking about where they live since they're rather canadian/american yet I wanted them in Japan. So basically they live in a made up land where I can mash up cultures. So them bathing together isn't weird.

see you loser at the store when they go pajama shopping.


	9. Pajama shopping

"Deidara walk beside me."

Little feet slowed down and waited for the bigger man to catch up, only to start running off giggling as soon as he did.

"Deidara - don't run, you'll fall!"

As if on cue, with a great stumble the boy was on the floor of the store face down, and like hell Sasori was going to get away with a run, trip and fall. The crying was sure to-

"Waaaah! Dannaaa naah unnn!"

Come.

Sasori picked up speed with a skip to his step and scooped the boy up and brushed the few specks of dirt from his face. "I swear to god, we're only here to pick up new pajamas for you. It's not like the doctors or the dentist, this is supposed to be easy!"

The boy whimpered, wrapped his arms around his caretaker and let himself be carried to the children's clothing department. "You're not really gonna take me to the doctory people, right?"

Sasori shivered at the thought since he knew that would be another story. He could picture the boy screaming, crying and knocking absolutely everything over.

"Danna! Danna, un! Look! Kiddy clothes!" The blond shrieked causing Sasori to yank the boy away and put him on the floor to nurse his ringing ears. Thank goodness the boy knew where he was going and ran straight for the obnoxiously blue section.

"Ooh Danna look at this!"

"Pajamas! We're here for pajamas!" Sasori hissed as he yanked the piece of clothing out of the kids hand. His dull eyes soon wandered to the underwear department. "I think the two of us need some of those as well though."

He should know when he himself needed some, but also had become keenly aware of the boys needs as Deidara loved to lounge at home in his underwear - hiding nothing from Sasori.

'Maybe I need to start turning off the heat.'

He grabbed the child's small hand and led him to the pajama rack. "Deidara, pick out two pairs. Preferably different."

With that he took off to grab some underwear that was conveniently placed nearby still in sight of the child.

Deidara looked back and forth at his options; camouflage, trucks, pirates and skateboards. In Deidara's mind all he saw was; no, boring, lame and ew. Until he looked to his far left and a pair caught his eyes.

Sasori came back to Deidara's side with the underwear beaming, "it's even on sale! How great is that!" He stopped himself and pouted at what he was holding. "Dammit I feel like Granny, getting all excited over cheap underwear."

While Sasori sulked, Deidara got up on his tip toes and plopped the pajamas into the basket quickly catching the redheads attention. "What did you pick?"

Sasori reached in and picked up the first pair. They were long sleeved and pants, pastel yellow and the picture on the chest were little doves and green and blue glittery swirls. He went to say something to the child, but decided to look a the second pair first. He was pretty sure he saw blue in there... This one had short sleeves with frills around the arm holes and pants. They were baby blue, and had cute penguins playing in the sunshine.

Sasori sweat dropped at the sight of the girls pajamas. Sure they would fit the kid - as they were his size - not to mention suit him, and of course. "Birds huh?"

Deidara threw himself into a fit of giggles and started to pretend to be a bird. "Birds birds! Tweet tweet tweet tweet, un!"

"Well, at least they're not pink...or a night gown."

A mother just then walked by with her three children, each of them running off in a different direction much to her own displeasure. She hummed as she walked up to a rack beside the two of them and glanced over laughing. "Oh how sad...Young man, if you need girls clothes for your daughter, I would be happy to give you some that my little girl has grown out of!"

Sasori flinched - being a little startled -and furrowed his eyebrows as he looked up, "hah?"

She smiled and tapped her chin as she looked at Deidara. "Well, your little girl is in boys clothes, and you're holding girls pajamas. Clearly you're looking to move your sweetie pie into...how to say...lady clothes?" She laughed some more.

Sasori looked down held in his own laughter at Deidara's heavy pout that was aimed towards the woman and raised a hand. "No no, this is a boy! He picked out girls pajamas because he likes the birds on them."

The woman stepped back and looked the boy who was no longer tweeting. "That's a boy? With that pretty face...And his hair is so dreadfully long!"

Deidara huffed at her loudly, "I like it long, un! Watch!" And with that he gave a twirl and let his hair fan out around him. "See? Pretty!"

The woman rolled her eyes and leaned into Sasori and spoke in a lower tone. "If you don't do something now, your boy will be a flaming gay twink."

Sasori scoffed at the woman's idea that having a gay son was bad. "If my boy turns out any way, it won't matter since I couldn't love him any less than I do now. I'll let him make his own decisions, and if he wants cute birdy pajamas, he'll get the goddamn cute birdy pajamas!"

The woman stared at the man trying to process his words. Apparently not understanding when the 'father' in front of her basically said he didn't love his son. She gave a huff and turned her shoulder "Young parents these days with their weird ways of raising kids!" As she walked away she looked left and right and began calling out her missing children's names.

Sasori huffed and tossed the pajamas back in the basket and turned on his heel towards to cash register. Suddenly a small hand tugged at his shirt catching his attention.

"Danna what did you mean back there? You're not my parent...I'm not your boy, un."

"When your father is away, you're my kid. I'll be here, there and everywhere to take care of you." Sasori murmured to the boy quietly as he bent and rubbed the boys cheek with his thumb.

Deidara grew wide eyed as something sparked in his brain. He giggled, sighed and jumped up latching himself around the redheads neck. "Ok Danna! I will keep that in my brainy, un! I'm your boy!"

Sasori tired to tug the boy away from his neck, but gave up and just settled on carrying him - actually more like letting the boy hang there. "So you're my boy?" He murmured as he walked funny making Deidara swing back and fourth in hope of dropping him, before giving up and just carrying the boy.

Deidara giggled as he won the battle and pressed his face into Sasori's neck. "Yeah! Your boy forever and ever and ever and ever, un!"

"Oh yay."

* * *

uhhh sasori just got himself into more trouble.

i'll see you losers on halloween for their next adventure


	10. Halloween

The day is so cold

The leaves - they are changing

Halloween is here

"Wow, thank you brain for the shitty haiku." Sasori grumbled as he sighed while they walked into the costume store. Actually, more like Deidara pulling and dragging him into the store with a tight grip.

Being the super ultra mega genius he is, Sasori had waited till the very last minute to pick out and purchase the boy a costume. It seemed like every year Halloween was getting bigger and more popular. He even thought that since he was finally living on his own, he would finally get to go out and go to a Halloween party filled with sexy nurses, gothic lolitas, cat girls and various other scantily clad ladies.

"Lookit all the stuff, Danna!"

Instead of being a normal university student getting drunk and partying, he would be taking a five year old trick or treating. Oh what jolly fun.

"Yeah. Would you look at all this...junk." He sneered tugging on the strand of cheap shiny fabric of a costume that was nearest to him.

Not only was he taking the Deidara, the boy had magically convinced - cried, screamed and bargained - that they should wear matching costumes. Or what he called a "couples costume". Just what the young man wanted, to be considered a "couple".

Sasori was an immediate push over though when Deidara finally convinced the older male to play along - dang it he really needed to stop playing the 'other kids do it with their parents' card!

In the end Sasori promised the boy that they would wear a matching costume as long as he would shut up and go to bed. Deidara made him give a sacred pinky swear, just in case the older male backed out of their deal.

Sasori was at least at ease a little bit. He had managed to make it very clear that he himself, no matter what, would NOT dress as a woman. The child's simple question of 'Why would Danna dress like a woman?' made him blush. The kid apparently wasn't as stupid - well actually...

"Look at this costume! Oh no way, wow! No no this one! What do you like, un?" Deidara cheered shoving at least four large prepackaged costumes into the older males face.

"Flower and bee? Knight and dragon? astronaut and alien? Queen and Princess - no princesses!" Sasori scolded as he read out that last one being against the rules.

Deidara dropped everything he was holding, ignoring all that his caretaker had previously been saying and ran off with loud oohs and ahhs. Sasori just watched on as a young, chipper male employee walked up and squatted in front of Deidara. He began asking him questions about Halloween in a chipper baby voice making Deidara excited and talk back in an equally happy manner.

Deeming the employee was safe and just going to help Deidara pick a suitable and proper choice of a costume, Sasori whipped out his buzzing cellphone and began texting a classmate about an upcoming test. Tests were far more important than all this crap.

"Danna! I picked one out, un." Deidara cheered as he ran and flopped face first into the redheads lap. Sasori sighed as he successfully managed to lift his phone up and away from being crushed beneath the boy. Cellphones were far more important than all this crap

The employee followed behind snickering with an apologetic look on his face. "He's dead set on this one. Apparently he loves birds y'know - "

Sasori jumped as the phone in his hand vibrated and quickly read it while answering the man. "Yeah yeah, loves birdies. Tweet tweet I know." He paled as he continued to read his phones screen. "Ok Deidara we have to run by my school quick, I forgot something!"

He picked up Deidara by the waist in one arm and his carrier bag in the other as he made a mad dash to the checkout counter. Deidara still held onto the costume but still waved and yelled a 'thank you mister'. The man shook his head sadly.

Dropping Deidara on the ground he whipped out his wallet, threw out a large bill and continued to look at his phone as the cashier broke it and handed him change - all while giggling to herself. Sasori ignored her laughs and viciously texted back hoping that his classmate could convince the teacher to have the class open ten more minuets.

"Hehe, here you are." She handed Deidara three candies and continued to laugh in the direction of the bag. "Pfft - have a fun night you two!"

Sasori grumbled and stuffed the change randomly into his bag, not even waiting as he dragged Deidara out of there, just as he was dragged in the by the child. The blond marveled at the candy and shouted loud 'thank you lady' and a rapid amount of waving which she returned happily.

Rushing out of the store parking lot and up and down the streets, in and out through the traffic and even one stop sign, Sasori finally pulled up to his school at record speed and ran out of the car and back in within a solid ten minutes. Holding the ever important book and a small folder full of paper, he leaned back in his chair with his eyes closed. He had done it. Now he could rest, and sigh...

"You left me all alone in the car, un."

Sasori's eyes shot open wide before he jumped around towards the backseat to see a very grouchy Deidara giving him a stern look with crossed arms.

"And I'll never do it again."

Deidara gave Sasori a distressed look of distrust and sighed dramatically, "I guess it's oki doki since you promised we would wear a couples costumes."

"You're right. I did promise."

"And you better keep it, bub!"

After going home and eating an early dinner, Sasori sat himself down on the floor beside a half empty package since immediately afterwards the meal, Deidara had run off to put on his costume. Sasori carelessly dumped the large package and out plopped something big white and feathery.

"I know it's a bird thing but...what..."

As he spread the contraption out he paled as a metal wire expanded and the shirt got big and wide. The shorts matched the shirt being white and feathery, yellow leggings with perpendicular black lines as well, weird claw-like flats rolled out and of course, a ridiculous strap on beak.

"I'm going as a big fat chicken!?"

Sasori cringed as he looked the costume over once more and then the the picture on the cover of the package. He clawed at his face in despair. No party and no pretty girls. Just walking outside with Deidara in horrendous chicken costume that he promised to wear.

"You have got to be kidding me!" He yelled in disbelief, "No wait, you know what? No. I'm not going to. I'm going to - "

Loud foot stomps rang down the hallway and a whoosh of yellow jumped in the redheads face. "Danna can you zip me up and make my hair look pretty, un?"

Sasori's jaw fell and his scowl immediately crept into a small smile as Deidara had bounced in the room dressed as a little fuzzy chick holding a green bucket.

"T-that's really cute..."

"Zip me up! Zip me up!" Deidara chanted holding his hair away from the zippers path. "Now do my hair! My hair, un!"

Sasori rested his hands on his knees a moment as he looked the hair over a moment. Sure it needed to be brushed, which was already a hassle, but the boy wanted more than that. Deidara handed Sasori the green bucket that held; hair ties, ribbons, clips, brushes, combs and the most important - detangling spray. Deidara stood there with a wiggle to his legs as he was ready to receive a fabulous new hairdo.

Sasori finally started tugging at the blond hair flipping it this way and that. He was an artist for goodness sake! He should know how to come up with something as mediocre as a hairstyle for a child.

He could do I braid?

"Hmm...I don't know how to braid."

Perhaps he could learn?

"No way am I going to learn how to braid hair."

"How about some lil piggy tails, un?" Deidara suggest as he shuffled backwards beeping like a truck in reverse, and sat down on Sasori's lap.

Sasori nodded as he thought about the hairstyle, "Yeah! I could probably do that! Maybe..." So separating both sections of hair equally, he tied them off with ties and... "I think that's as good as its going to get."

Hearing no complaints from Deidara, he grabbed the boy's shoulder to make him turn around and face him. Sasori's eyebrows shot up at the sight of his handy work. It just needed one more thin before he'd put the chickie hood. Digging into the hair bucket, he pulled out two large ribbons, black and orange, and tied a bow over each tail. Finally pulling up the hood he but his bottom lip.

Crawling away he grabbed his phone from his sweater's pocket and tugged on the child so he stood straight, "Smile..."

Deidara gave a big happy grin and then ran to Sasori as soon as he heard the click. "What did ya take the picture for? Can I see it, huh!?"

Sasori pulled the phone away from Deidara's little grabbing hands and scowled. "I'm sending a picture to your Dad. I'm sure he'll love it." and pressed a few buttons on the screen. He then pressed a few more and turned it so Deidara could get a look at the picture.

"Look at me! I'm a chickie, un!" Deidara giggled reaching a hand up to touch the fuzzy, bird faced hood. "Ok but now for your costume, un!"

Sasori blanched as he remembered that he would be going as a massive chicken.

"Deidara I can't - "

Deidara let out a frustrated scream and balled his fists in anger. The fit startled Sasori to flinch backwards and raise his hands to protect himself. "You promised, un! You promised me with a pinky and then left me...um...uh...all lonely in a car!"

"Ah shit..." Sasori grumbled as he remembered that Deidara could easily tell on him. "And it doesn't help you're dressed like that!" He then gestured to the grumpy little chick "Ugh, Fine! I'll wear the damn costume, just shut up!"

"Yay!" Deidara yelled and threw his fists up all while keeping his angry face. "I'm getting my trickntreat bucket, un!" He kicked the green bucket knocking all the clips onto the floor and stomped off with his little fists still high up.

Sasori sat there for a moment in silence, looked down at the costume and sighed. This was the fear and terror Halloween was supposed to bring, right? "I'm going to be a virgin forever after this..."

-/-

Sasori hid behind his sunglasses as they started their trek down a street far far away from where they lived. Heaven forbid that anyone would recognize him in the horrendous chicken costume. Thank goodness it was still fairly light so that he could still see with them on.

Refusing to wear the wire that would make him round, he walked in a drape of pure white feathers. The leggings made his legs feel weird and the shoes made his walking awkward. Not to mention the beak was no help whatsoever.

Deidara had drawled on and on about how pretty he looked though, and that his red hair crowned his head like the comb of a real chicken. What a booster for his already shot confidence...

Hand in hand, house after house they went to was always the same,

"Trick or treat!"

"How cute! And...uhh. Here you go!"

Deidara, of course, was the 'Cute' and Sasori was blatantly the 'And Uhh'.

Deidara even met up briefly with a classmate who was dressed as a bloody skeleton. Whoever did the face paint did a really good job, but that kid was terrible! Sasori really hoped that it wasn't Deidara who taught him all those swears. Who even was this kids parent? He didn't couldn't pin point one out since there were too many with their own kids.

Parting with the classmate, the next house they walked up to, Sasori watched on carefully as Deidara waddled to it. "What is he..?"

He continued to watch as the little chick raised a hand and rung the doorbell before crouching down to touch a spooky black cat decoration that was sitting on the doorstep.

Sasori really had a bad feeling about what was going to happen next. He could feel the chill running through his bones on the cool October night...

"Oh how cute!" The woman dressed as a friendly witch cheered sweetly while talking in a baby voice. "and what might you be sweetheart?" she humored Deidara a bit hoping to have a silly chat with him.

Deidara stood up straight leaving the skull behind and giggled. "Yeah I'm a chick! Quack quack!"

The woman snorted and did her best to keep her composure. Sasori on the other hand just buried his feathery hands into his face.

"A chick? Quack?" She asked once more for reassurance.

Deidara cheered, "Un! A chick! Like a chicken! See?" and pointed to the large chicken behind him, "Quack quack quack!" And began flapping his arms and waddling around.

The woman looked at Deidara with a concerned face and then at Sasori, "Well isn't he just a little special, right?"

"No ma'am. Just stupid."

She gave a saddened aw and reached back into the bowl. "Here sweetheart, have two candy."

This went on for many houses and each response was the same from then on. Laughter and then more than one piece of candy.

Sasori couldn't let it go on any further. When he heard the first quack he almost corrected the child. Now Sasori isn't stupid, he knows very well what would have happened if he did. He has far too much experience with that and has learned his lesson.

However as he tried his best to hold in the urge to correct the boy, his patience was wearing thin! This time he would take a different approach. He would be calm, supportive and happy to correct Deidara. Certainly no yelling, calling him stupid and/or making fun of him.

He slowly and awkwardly dropped to his knee and grabbed the blonds small shoulders, "Deidara you know I...want what's best for you. And for you to be happy, right?"

Deidara cocked his head to the side, resting a smushed cheek against Sasori's hand and smiled. "Un!"

Sasori groaned at the darling look he was getting. "It's because I...want what's best and for you to be happy that I need to...educate you concerning your..."

"Un?"

Sasori took a deep breath and looked towards the sky before looking back down. "Deidara, chickens don't go quack."

"Wha..."

"It's ok Deidara!" Sasori reassured with an over forced smile and grabbed Deidara shoulders, "Everyone makes mistakes!"

A large hand reached out and rung the doorbell prompting a woman to answer it. She stepped back a little shocked at what she was seeing. There stood a grouchy man in a chicken costume holding a sobbing little chick.

"Oh honey, what's wrong? Did you fall?" She questioned stepping forward giving Deidara a comforting pat as her obvious motherly instincts kicked in.

"NO!" Deidara slammed his hands down against the feathery arm that was holding him and threw his head back, "CHICKENS DON'T GO QUACK! THEY DON'T QUACK!"

The woman took a step back stuttering and gave the pair a deranged look. "Is everything ok?"

"No ma'am. He learned chickens don't go quack and I learned that every single day of my pathetic life is full of the terrors that is Halloween."

* * *

poor sassyboy. merry halloween.

I hope you all enjoyed the vision of Sasori dressed as a chicken and a sweet little chickiedei.


	11. Nose picking

Sasori washed his hands for the fifth time since waking up two hours ago. He wasn't germ crazy or anything, it's just that...

"I see the finger go up and in...but where do the boogers go?" He grumbled is he watched the five year old shove his finger back up his nose. "It's disgusting..."

Deidara was watching his morning cartoons in silence - if you don't count the occasional burst of giggles over a poorly made toilet joke or a massive explosion leaving a character covered in soot and ash. He was alone and enjoying himself, so why not pick his nose while he's at it? All the other boys at school were picking their noses, so it must be a cool thing to do! For all he knew, even Sasori picked his nose secretly! Still, something told him that it would be best to not do it in front of him.

Well...at least he thought he wasn't being watched.

"Where is the snot going? On his clothes? The furniture? The - " Sasori paled as he watched a small hand went from the nose to the mouth. That's where they've been going! Not on the furniture nor the blankets, no not even the walls. They've been going in the brats mouth!

Deidara was eating his boogers!

Sasori fumed. He was furious. No way was he going to let the kid keep this up. Deidara was kicking the disgusting habit here-and-now.

'This whole picking thing is something new...he must have seen a classmate doing it.' He concluded.

Clever guy that Sasori is.

However, how was Sasori going to convince Deidara to stop though? Habits are hard to kick. He knew that from recent activity like, for example, Sasori realized that he needed to stop swearing around Deidara. Tried it for an hour and ended up failing miserably. Sasori would not fail this time! Deidara would not fail! This was going to stop - TODAY.

Suddenly an idea came to Sasori and he smiled darkly. He went into the kitchen and went to the fridge and pulled out some grapes. Humming, he sliced two open and scraped out the soft seedy middles and placed them on his finger. The dark green mush glistened on his finger.

This was looking good.

But it needed just one more thing...

With his other hand he reached up to his eye and tugged around his eyelashes until one fell out. He put in on the cutting board he had used to slice the two grapes, and with a quick chop it was cut in two.

Sasori laughed to himself as he put a piece of hair onto the blob on his finger and began rolling it around between his fingers until is was mixed. He then grabbed the other piece of hair and stuck it right on top of the large blob.

It looked disgusting.

It was perfect.

Sasori walked into the living room slowly and casually, almost with a skip in his step for what was to happen next. He noticed when he entered that Deidara quickly dropped his hand and preoccupied himself with the toy in his hand before shoving it in his mouth to chew on.

"Hey Deidara, what'cha doin?"

Deidara grew nervous. Sasori was acting strange, he never sounded this cheerful - ever! However being five, he pushed his worries aside and gave Sasori a big smile with the toy still clamped between his teeth. "M' watchin the TV!"

"Still?" Sasori gasped in a fake tone. "I saw you watching it earlier."

Deidara raised his eyebrows. "You were watchin me...watch TV, un?"

"Yes."

"O-oh..." He mumbled, holding his head down. Deidara now refused to make eye contact with Sasori. It was pretty obvious he had been caught and was now for some reason in trouble.

"I saw what you were doing with your nose, Brat."

"Un...yeah?"

"Yeah."

Moving forward a little closer, but ended up sitting on the chair across from the blond Sasori sighed loudly. "So you like putting your snot in your mouth?"

Deidara still refused to make eye contact but now also didn't respond to Sasori. Instead he still chewed on his toy, a little more aggressively this time around.

"Well, guess if you like eating your boogers you'd like to eat mine."

Sasori took a deep breath through his nose making a loud noise that caught Deidara's attention. As he looked up, Sasori shielded his nose and put the finger with the grape on it in there, giving the child the illusion he was picking his nose.

Intrigued, Deidara sat up and tried to get a better look at the finger until Sasori jammed it right in his face making the boy jump back and scream.

"Doesn't that look yummy? You like boogers, don't you Deidara?"

Deidara grew pale as the massive green hairy pile of mush inched closer an closer...until it got too close for comfort and he had to make a run for it. What he didn't expect was for Sasori to chase after him.

Sasori made sure to keep a distance, he wanted to wear Deidara out and make sure he never forgot about this experience. The experience of being chased around the house by a grown man with a booger on his finger.

Deidara screamed and screamed as he ran and ran, to and fro of every corner of the house until he and Sasori were breathless in the last corner in the bathroom. Deidara was trapped behind the toilet, trembling and still screaming in horror.

"Why won't you...eat my...booger, Deidara?" Sasori panted as he staggered with his finger pointed out, ready.

Deidara caved and began to cry, "C-cause it's gross!"

"Why will you eat yours then?" Sasori asked lowering himself to the boys level.

"I don't know! I thought it was yucky, but the other boys at school do it, un!"

Just as Sasori predicted.

"Will you eat them anymore?"

"Noooo!"

"Will you pick your nose at all?"

"Noooooooo!"

Sasori smirked and grabbed a tissue from his pocket and wiped up the mess from his finger. "Good then. Next time you eat them, you will without a doubt be eating mine."

-/-/-/-

Deidara sat on the living room floor playing with and chewing on his blocks as Sasori watched the news from the kitchen and did dishes. All was well, all was quiet. Deidara had been a perfect little boy today and Sasori couldn't have been more proud.

So far...

*ring ring*

"Hello?" Sasori asked placing the phone between his ear and his shoulder so he could continue to clean.

'Hello, yes. Mr. Akasuna, caretaker of Deidara?'

Sasori's eyes widened. He sighed, turned off the water and moved the phone back into his hand.

"Yes, ma'am?"

'This is Deidara's teacher speaking, I was wondering if I could talk to you about what he did today at school.'

Sasori sighed again and put his weight on one leg and leaned on the counter to brace himself for whatever the brat did this time. "Yes, what did he do?"

'Well... It's...he did something and then said something."

"A...double whammy huh?

'Hm, yes. Well you see...He picked his nose and told another boy to eat it, and when the other student said no, he started talking about being chased around the house by you...'

Sasori's mouth dropped. He breath hitched and he choked a little. Oh no oh no.

'With snot on your finger and you were trying to make him eat it."

Shit.

Sasori panicked, "W-well it wasn't snot it was actually just the inside of a grape and I-I did it to teach him not to pick his nose and eat it!"

'Hum, well. Perhaps try to tone your lesson teaching down a bit? It was quite disruptive. The parents of the boys even phoned me earlier as it has caused quite the chain reaction."

"Y-yes ma'am."

'Thank you and goodnight.'

Sasori turned off the phone, ran towards Deidara and jumped down to his hands and knees with a loud thump so they were eye level.

"YOU TOLD YOUR CLASSMATES ABOUT BEING CHASED AROUND THE HOUSE AND BEING FORCED TO EAT BOOGERS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Deidara sat there wide eyed and flinched back slowly as a late reaction. He held his eyes closed tight momentarily before slowly opening them again and whispering, "Danna, you need to calm down - "

"Calm down!? Deidara that had to be the single most embarrassing moment of my life! What is wrong with you? What were you - "

Sasori froze mid yell when he felt Deidara wipe a wet finger in his forehead. "Chill, Danna. By the way, I heard you say it was grape." Deidara then stuck his tongue out and went to walk to his room.

Sasori reached up with a shakey hand and touched the wet area. He looked down at his fingers and paled as he looked at the pale glob of snot sitting on his finger tip.

Deidara looked back momentarily. "I didn't eat it."

Not on the furniture, nor even the blankets. Not even the walls.

They were now being wiped on the Danna.

* * *

you know he dead.

this is based off a moment that my big brother had with my grandma when we were young. she didn't chase him though and he didn't tell all his classmates.

sometimes I write lemons, sometimes I write boogers


	12. Laundry Day

Picking up the pre sorted laundry basket, with a hearty sigh Sasori dumped all the white contents into the washing machine. Socks, shirts, tighty whities and other various white clothing fell like snowflakes, and a reward of fresh crisp clean white clothing was sure to come.

At first it was Deidara getting filth on his own clothing, but it slowly moved to Sasori. One hug and his shoulder could be a napkin. One pat on the back and the world would know a tiny hand had been there. One poor movement and a glass could be tipped over, spilling conveniently all over his clothes.

Sasori had a whole new appreciation for his whites now. Oh how he wanted white all the time. The colours that Deidara brought were something to be feared. Life of staying pure white would be a dream come true for the redhead. Just to wear clean clothes was a blessing to him. Sunday became a day of the week to be excited for since Sunday was the great, mighty, laundry day.

Sasori closed the lid, turned it on and was on his way. "I think I deserve a snack..." He sighed happily as he made his way to the kitchen to make lunch.

Being in such a good mood, he had a bounce to his step. He could only wish that Deidara couldn't find a way to ruin his moments of being content with his life's choices.

"Dannaaa!"

Sasori froze with a lurch. "What is it braaat?" He called back to the boy who sounded like he was a few rooms away.

"You misseded a sock, un!" Deidara continued to yell. "Can I throw it in the washin machine?"

Sasori chuckled at the fact the boy being helpful. "Yeah sure, go ahead! Then come to the kitchen and help make lunch!"

The washer stopped and then a loud thud of the lid being shut rang down the halls. Soon the washer started making noise again and Deidara made his way down the hall to help his Danna make their lunch.

Deidara was very impressed with the redheads good mood, and Sasori in turn was pleased with the boys good behaviour. Maybe things would be taking a turn for good? Finally things could be looking up for Sasori!

The two ate lunch, and the clean up was easy peasy. The next move would be getting the wet laundry into the dryer. Sasori strolled down the hallway still in a good mood and opened the dryer before opening the washer.

One glance in and he froze. Was the lighting in the room messing up his vision? Was he not feeling well? Was so something just wrong with his eyes? The whites sure did look pink, that's for sure.

With shaky hands he reached in and pulled up a piece of pink clothing and held it in from of him. He did do just whites, right? Then... What... Why was his shirt pink!?

Quickly he began going through the laundry piece by piece. Every piece of clean laundry going this way and that. There had to have been something red in the wash! He made sure that he put no colours in this load. How in the world something coloured got in there he didn't know, but it had ruined all their whites! He held up a pair of his underwear and cringed at their new pink look. He had just bought those not too long ago, dammit!

Suddenly while clawing through the cold dome he froze. He saw it. An inch away from his hand, a little red sock. "How in the... How did this get..." He stuttered getting out of the washer and holding the red sock in front of his face.

"Did my sock come clean? Did it, un?"

Sasori slowly turned around to see Deidara standing there with a large grin on his face. His eyes moved down to the boys feet and he cringed as he saw one little red sock on his left foot.

"That's one of my Christymas socks I got from grandpa last year! I know it's a lil early, but I couldn't wait to wear them, un!"

Sasori slumped against the washer and stared at the boy wide eyed. "Then why...did it...need to be washed anyway?"

Deidara twirled a piece his hair shyly and looked down. "I tried peepeeing standin up like a big kid and got pee all over..."

Sasori's eyes grew even wider. He the swallowed hard and blinked very slowly before letting his eyelashes flutter. "You peed on your foot?" He asked now a little hopeful that that was it and that there wasn't pee elsewhere in the bathroom.

"Well..." Deidara mumbled looking up slowly with a shameful grin.

Sasori buried his hands into his face at the idea of buying a whole new selection of white clothes. Shopping with Deidara was a challenge itself. What he was even more not looking forward to was seeing the mess the child had left for him in the bathroom.

He looked towards the ceiling and spoke with a tear in his eye. "Dear mother and father in heaven, please don't let me step in his pee."

* * *

talk about kicking a guy when he's down

i meant to put this up yesterday when it was sunday, oh well


	13. Playdough

Deidara munched on his after school snack and sat there lazily as he watched Sasori run around the house in an attempt to clean it for some apparent reason.

The piles of laundry everywhere were disappearing, the stack of dishes both dirty and clean were taken care of. In fact, instead of Sasori demanding that Deidara put away his toys, he took care of them for him!

He then sighed and leaned back in his chair as he popped the rest of the baby carrot in his mouth. This was the life. Something about watching the older male in an apron doing all the dirty work was oddly very satisfying to the five year old. Not having to do his own chores was great too. Yes, this was the life.

"Deidara you're getting dip on your shirt! The shirt I just washed!" Sasori hissed as he started to wet down a washcloth, preparing to dab the little red shirt clean.

"Oopsie." Deidara chimed and with another plan in mind he lifted his shirt and began sucking on the soiled area.

Sasori hissed as he yanked the shirt out of the boys mouth and looked over the area which was now clean. "Next time just let me take care of it." He groaned turning around to get back to cleaning.

"Why ya cleaning the house anyway, un?" Deidara asked leaning his head back and stuffing a cracker in his mouth, the going crumbs everywhere.

Sasori's eyes widened at the crumbs and sighed. He dusted them off the boy and turned to grab the broom. "I'm having a classmate come over to do some schoolwork, so I thought I should make the place presentable." He said sweeping the area around the child for the second time that day.

"I like presents!"

"Haha - no." Sasori mused as he now used the dust pan. "Be on your best behaviour. I don't want I hear any potty words."

"Like poopy?"

"Yes."

"And fart?"

"Yes."

"And shit-damn-hell-shit?"

"Yes. Especially that." Sasori blushed at how the curse words were said in the exact way he had said them earlier this morning when he cut himself while making himself breakfast. He had really hoped that Deidara hadn't heard him say that. Oh well, the damage has been done.

"I need you to scram when they come over ok? Do you think you could play quietly in your room for an hour?"

"Yes Danna."

Sasori raised both eyebrows at the boys compliance. "And do you think you could call me Sasori while they're here?" He asked a little hopeful.

"No Danna."

"Damn."

"DAMN!"

Sasori narrowed his eyes and went to scold him but was stopped by the sound of the doorbell ringing.

"Bing bong bing bong bing bing bong!" Deidara began to sing in a silly manner and chomped away on the last carrot. Sasori swiped the plastic dish and tossed it in the dishwasher before making his way to the door. Silently hoping that Deidara would stop binging and bonging before he got to the door.

"Hey there partner!"

"Hi, glad you could make it."

Deidara hopped up from his chair still singing his "bing bong" song but a little more quitely. He was so totally ready to meet his dear Danna's friend. A friend of his Danna was a friend of his!

"Oh this must be Deidara!"

Deidara froze at the sight. Maybe a friend of his Danna wasn't a friend of his. There standing at the door entrance taking their coat off stood a beautiful woman. She was flawless, even a simple minded child like Deidara could tell. She stirred all these feelings in his little stomach that he had only ever felt around Sasori. This woman was clearly desirable, an incredible creature, inhuman almost. So what the heck was she doing coming over to their house to be with a piece of trash like Sasori?

To Deidara, if there was one thing for sure that had never made sense, it was women. He was never around them much to begin with though. His kindergarten teacher had been male, his Dad was, you guessed it, male. Heck, Sasori was a male too! The only real girl contact he got were the stupid cootie filled girls he went to school with. those chicks were wack! Oh his new teacher who frankly, bothered him, was a girl too. How dare she keep calling his Danna! Whenever she did, HE got in trouble!

"Ohhh isn't he the cutest little munchkin-muffin in the world!" She squealed as she practically shoved Sasori out of the way and scooped the blond high into the air. Without a doubt she could whoop Sasori's ass in an arm wrestling match, this chick was not one to be trifled with. Those were arms trained to kill and at the same time give the loveliest of hugs.

She pressed her dark lips against his plump cheek and immediately began pressing little kisses. Making Deidara giggle from the little tickles, she even finished off with a big loud raspberry causing Deidara to laugh even more. This girl was great!

"My name is Konan! Let's be frrriends!"

Deidara was beginning to find it hard not to like this girl. She was a pretty spectacular thing. Nothing could ruin this magical moment for either of them. You would have to be one terrible person to break up this pure, innocent moment of true love. Yes, a truly, truly terrible person.

"Sorry to ruin your fun, but I think we should get working." Sasori intervened tapping his hand on his crossed arms. "Deidara, go play in your room while the adults are working okay?"

Spoke too soon.

Deidara gave Sasori a sad look and Konan caught on. "Nah! He wants to show me his bedroom first, right?" She suggested, bouncing the small boy around on her hip and squeezing his hand.

"Yeah!" He yelled as he squirmed off her hip and down to the floor again. He grabbed her hand again and she held it back as she followed him to his room.

Sasori inwardly groaned since that was one of the rooms he hadn't cleaned. There was sure to be toys, clothes and other various junk were on the floor since any toys that were in the living area got tossed in there carelessly. Who would have thought that a woman could like kids?

He then sighed in defeat and followed the two of them. He wasn't pursuing Konan that's for sure, she had a boyfriend and a protective brother. He wasn't going to mess with them. Sasori just wanted a friend who didn't recoil at the thought of children - which seemed like most young adults now a days. Not only that, he secretly hoped that if he made a good impression, Konan might be cool enough to hook him up with some of her pretty friends.

He leaned on the doorframe and watched as Deidara showed his guest his favorite toy; which happened to be every toy in his room.

"This is my special car! And my extra special birdy! I love birdies, un!"

Konan giggled and looked around. "I can tell you like birdies! Bird toys, bird books - there are even birds on your walls!" She pointed out the photos of penguins, crows, toucans and many others that had cut out and made into a collage and framed in the wall.

Deidara covered his mouth and giggled like a madman while Konan just wanted to scoop him up and eat him he was so cute. Pulling the little thing into a bear hug and giving a storm of kisses was apparently good enough though.

"Konan, work?"

She turned away from loving Deidara and pouted at the small man before looking back at her new lovebug. "Is he always such a buzzkill?"

Deidara looked over at his Danna's blank face and fluttered his eyelashes as he caught the redheads face cringe in anger briefly. "Yes. But that's ok I forgive him, un."

Konan laughed and gave Deidara ine last smooch. "Ok, ok." She mumbled as she stood up, ready to leave the blond. "Lets get working, Sasori."

Deidara went to follow but was stopped when Sasori grabbed him by the forehead and began pushing him back into his room. "You said you would play quietly in your room for at least an hour while the adults worked!"

A whine came from Deidara as he remember he had said that. Keeping his word, he turned and stomped away to a small plastic picnic table that had been set up to be a play desk where he could colour, do homework or even better, playdough.

He begrudgingly got the stuff out and sent the back of Sasori's head a glare. If he couldn't go play with the wonderful new friend; then he would just have to humour himself with a lil ol, sculpting. Oh, and if you didn't know, Deidara considered himself to be quite the artist.

He got the little tools out and began going at it. He pumped out long yellow strands, blue stars and even made a red snake and green bird. Now that was done, what else could the boy do with the dough?

"Welcome to The Great Deidara Restyraunt, un!"

He made pasta, pizza, ice cream, cake and even a cookie. Customers came in and out and were all very happy with their food. Deidara was swarmed in compliments about what an amazing chef he was. They absolutely adored him!

"Oh please, stop." He murmured into his hand as he waved off another customer complimenting him on both his cooking and dashing good looks. With the hand in front of his face he took a deep breath. Man the dough did smell nice... His food looked really yummy too. Also all those compliments! What if - Maybe if he -

"Well..."

Sasori beamed as he came to get Deidara from his room, Konan following like an Aunty waiting to see her sisters new baby. Sasori really couldn't care less about her though. Deidara had been so quiet and so well behaved, he deserved to come out and visit for a bit and possibly get a piece of candy.

"Hey Deidara you can come out now...?" Sasori said but quickly stopped at the doorway as he looked at the boy sitting there staring at the kiddy table. He had his head down and his shoulders were shaking lightly. His small hands on his little stomach and both Sasori and Konan could hear little sobs. "Hey Dei, are you okay?" He asked voice full of concern as he walked over rather quickly to put an arm around the child. Konan stuck out her bottom lip and followed in after, just as concerned as the other.

Deidara slowly looked up with big, teary eyes to see two concerned adults standing over him and looked back down. "Imma dyin, unn."

Sasori rubbed circles in to the little back as he gave a little noise of sympathy mixed with confusion. "What do you mean you're dying?"

Deidara broke down now and threw himself at the redhead. Heavy sobs and tears poured down his face. Sasori had to pull away the blond briefly after hearing the loud sniffle and cringed a little at the sight of snot dripping from the boys tiny nose. He grabbed the bottom of the red shirt and pulled it up to wipe the nose. Like hell he was using his own clothes for that.

"M-my tummy really hurties."

Sasori nodded. "Do you know why your tummy hurts? Why does it mean you're dying?"

Deidara's bottom lip stuck out and then curved into a viciously pathetic frown. "I eated something toxicy and now I'm dyin."

Konan and Sasori now nearly both jumped out of their skin. Toxic? Like poison? Deidara ate poison!? Poison in his little tiny baby body!?

"My lovebug!" Shrieked Konan dropping to her knees and quickly grabbing her phone from her left bra cup.

Deidara immediately saw the panic in the adults and began to panic more himself. Quick strangled breaths and a pink contorted face just made the two adults even more scared. He really was dying now! Life as he knew it was over!

Sasori took a deep breath and placed his hands on his shoulders."Deidara! What did you eat?" He asked now checking the blonds eyes and mouth before pressing his hand to his forehead to look for a rise in temperature.

"Unnnnnnn!" Deidara whined as he tears welled up all over again.

"Deidara!"

"I eated the playdough!" He shrieked burrowing his face into the redheads chest and squirming to wrap his legs around his waist in a death grip. If he was going to die, he was going to get as many Danna-hugs as possible.

However both adults immediately froze and quickly looked at each other. "That's not poisonous, is it?" Asked Konan.

Sasori blinked and picked up the yellow cup to read the label. "No I don't think so?" He pointed to the non-toxic label. "Yes there, he's ok."

Konan took a deep breath of relief and started grabbing at the other cups. "I know he ate some, but how much did he eat?"

Sasori frowned and joined in at looking at the four large empty cups. "I gave him lunch! There is no way he ate it all!"

He yanked Deidara away from his chest but still held him close. "You ate ALL your playdough?"

"Nnn-yeah..."

"All gone? Really!?"

"Gone gone."

Sasori stood up with a handful of child. Man this kid was heavy, but he still rocked the boy back and forth while patting his back as he listened to little whimpers and whines about his tummy hurting.

"So why do you say you're dying?" Sasori asked caressing a tear streaked face with his index finger. He was genuinely interested in how he thought he could be in any sort of peril.

"The packy says T.O.X.I.C" he hiccuped. "That spells toxic and that means your insides are going to melt and die, un."

That's right, he could read. Sometimes Sasori forgot these things based on all the stupid things the kid would do or say. Sasori smacked his lips and looked back down at the yellow cups incredulously "You really ate four cups of playdough?"

"It was really pretty and yummy...I'm a good chef, un..."

"Well, you're going to be just fine. The package says, 'non-toxic' meaning it's not toxic for you." Sasori sighed as he smiled down at Deidara making him send a happy smile back.

"Actually Sasori, my phone says large amount consumption and a stomach ache, he should be taken to the ER."

Konan gasped at how fast Sasori shot up. It was like a blur to her. He placed Deidara on the edge of the bed and made several dashes and stumbles around the house packing multiple things into what appeared to be some sort of diaper bag. Baby blanket, water bottle, snackie bag, bird plush, little book, and his own various belongings were shoved in there. Konan wondered if he was going to shove Deidara in there as well.

He slipped a sweater on Deidara, grabbed him onto his hip, and booked it out of the room. "Lets go Konan! Go go go!"

Sasori danced his his spot as he waited for Konan to hurry up. She quickly put on her own coat and shoes and was out the door with them. Sasori locked the door and quickly ran to the car and buckled Deidara up in his booster seat. Konan chose to sit in the backseat beside Deidara while Sasori drove; off to the hospital they went.

The two adults sat in a small waiting room a little further into the emergency room than where most of the other people in need of help sat. Just behind them was a door where Deidara was getting checked out. Most of the time the childs caregiver was good to go, and could be back there with the child. However, pretty quick after getting there Sasori had fainted. So there he was, sitting there with an ice pack over his eyes and his head lulled back as Konan patted the inside of his forearm.

"Excuse me."

Sasori immediately bolted up causing the icepack to fall and Konan to panic, jumping in her seat as well. "Yes? Yes!?" Sasori yelled grabbing his head, still feeling a little woozy.

The nurse sighed and crouched near Sasori's side. "He's going to be okay. We gave him some medicine and a laxative. It will all pass out of him very quickly. Afterwards when you take him home, make sure he gets plenty of rest and lots of liquids. Also, remember this; he's a child and will only remain as calm as you do."

Sasori breathed a heavy sigh of relief and fell back into his seat. Konan smiled and gave his knee a few good firm pats. Everything was going to be okay.

"Excuse me!" Another voice piped up from behind the examining room. A young, fresh face nurse peeked her head out. "The patient is making a special request for a 'Sassy Danna'."

Both nurses looked at Konan expectantly but she in turn looked at Sasori.

"Yeah yeah, Sassy Danna is coming..." He grumbled slowly getting up and following the nurse into the room. The feeling of dread knowing he now had to deal with a miserable baby finally sunk in. Was miserable really any better than dead?

Sasori sighed at the sight of the little boy holding a little cup of water and sadly drinking it as he sat on a toilet. He was dressed in a little green dressing gown and his little legs dangled off the edge of the large white throne - The incredibly handy child's toilet seat conveniently preventing him from falling in.

"D-dannaaa... Can you sit w-with me an

hole my han-un?" The little guy sputtered out with fresh tears rolling down his cheeks.

Sasori rubbed the inner corners of his eyes and spotted a small stack of stools that he could pull over beside Deidara. He took three steps though and immediately took three back. He covered his mouth and nose and began to gag at the smell, making Deidara's lip curl down and his eyebrows point up.

Sasori cringed but made his way to the blonds side. The wanted to throw up just at the sounds emitting from the child. That wouldn't roll over well though. He had to remain calm just like the nurse had told him. Deidara was already crying a little bit and Sasori knew it could certainly get worse. Like when they were at home earlier and he had been crying for example. Yes, that had been pretty bad.

"Han?" Deidara asked reaching out a dark pink hand.

Sasori took a deep breath through his mouth and grabbed a hold of the tiny hand. Man was it ever clammy. "Deidara, I just want to let you know how proud I am on how you're handling this." Sasori finally said now facing the boy. "But please, for my own well being, never eat anything that's not food ever again."

Deidara rolled his lips together, pointed his chin down and then took a drink from his water.

"Deidara." Sasori groaned in a harsh tone.

"Oki Danna..."

He nodded and sighed into his other hand. "Good. I can't imagine what I would do if something happened to you." The then gnashed his teeth and to mumble into his shoulder, "Your father would have ki - "

Deidara reached up and shoved a finger in Sasori's nose.

"Aw, isn't that just the cutest!"

Both boys looked up to see Konan standing there with two incredibly attractive female nurses, all three of them cooing over the touching scene. Or at least had been until that finger went up there. Sasori made sure to swat that hand away with incredible speed.

"And I was wondering why you can't get a girlfriend." She laughed alongside with the nurses a moment.

One of them gave Konan a 'no thank you' look and the other pointed to her coworker and followed her on the way out. Konan sighed, sent Sasori a sad look. "Better luck next time." And turned to follow them.

Sasori could only be even more grateful that the cute ladies had left when they had when suddenly a loud fart erupted through the room and Deidara's giggle was the only thing left.

"Yes..." Sasori sent the boy a side glance. "It truly is a wonder."

"I farted Danna!"

"I thought I said no dirty words today!" Sasori grumbled flicking Deidara in the cheek.

"oh..." Deidara looked down as he remembered what his Danna had asked of him earlier. "Haha! Shit-damn-hell-shit!"

* * *

deidara is a gross baby. kids are gross. especially little boys. remember that.

this came out really long...


	14. That's not pizza

Sasori's eyes fluttered as he slowly began to wake up. He felt...good. It was quiet in the house, and his room had sunlight pooling into it giving it a whole serene like atmosphere. Something was wrong, so wrong. What time was it? What was going on?

He rolled over to check the clock and furrowed his eyebrows at what he saw.

A drawing?

It was propped up against his alarm clock and it took him a few moments and a pair of glasses to register what it was.

"A snail? A ball? A..." He finally grabbed the picture and held it close so he could read the writing below it. "piZA."

Sasori wasn't dumb. It was a drawing of pizza left by Deidara. Why though? When? He usually heard the boy stomp around the house, scream as he played with his toys and constantly bothering of him.

"Maybe he meant the tower of Piza and left for Italy."

Sasori looked at the clock once more and sighed as he noticed he had slept in severely. Deidara must have pressed the off button on the clock when he put his picture there. However, why didn't he wake Sasori up? It was weird - but pleasant to not be jumped on it tugged and or even screamed at while having the blankets yanked off.

That shit really should have ended when he moved out of his grandmothers place.

With a groan he got up anyway, though he could definitely sleep longer, and went to grab his robe. He slowed to a stop as a similar picture was stuck to it with, forget using tape but rather multiple stickers. Sasori narrowed his eyes decided not to touch the robe, nor the picture, and even went back to put the first one back exactly where he found it, over the alarm clock.

He tugged on a sweatshirt and put on some socks and made his way out to the living room where the boy would be watching TV. If he wasn't making more pizza posters, that he walked down the hallway he was greeted with more pictures taped to the walls, even crudely cut out pizzas littered on the Sasori rounded to corner and would come into the blonds view, he quickly raised his fist to rub his eyes. Almost as if he had been doing it since he left his room meaning he wouldn't have seen the pictures in the hallway.

"Good morning Deidara."

The boy looked up at the older man curiously and quietly, then turned his attention to the kitchen. "G'mornin Danna." He replied back shoving a piece of plastic food in his mouth to chew on. A plastic pizza in fact. Deidara quickly then got up and ran down the hallway to check on his pictures. Maybe his Danna didn't see them?

Sasori watched the boy bounce down the hall, yawned and sauntered into the kitchen to get his coffee. He flinched as there in front of his coffee maker was a picture of a pizza. Dammit, his one true weakness. He cringed and went to the fridge to get a different drink. Sasori immediately scowled as there on the pitcher of juice was a picture-sticker taped to it. This kid was smooth.

Sasori instead quickly and quietly shut the fridge door and checked the cupboards. Pizza here pizza there, pizza everywhere!

He looked at one that fell out of the cupboard. pi Za!

The writing was so crude it almost looked like...

Sasori smirked as he turned on the rice cooker. He then went into the cupboard and scooped up a cup of the needed rice. He inwardly thanked the child's father for the extensive do's and don'ts of the elusive Deidara's care.

Hearing the bountiful commotion, Deidara dashed down the hallway and into the kitchen. His Danna had to have seen ONE of his notes by now! Were they going to make it by scratch? Pizza? Pizza!

"Rice?" Deidara stated as he came to a crashing halt and watched the man pour it into the machine.

"Mhmm." Sasori replied quietly as he got other ingredients and began preparing them.

Deidara sent Sasori an uneasy look. "W-what are you makin, un?"

"Breakfast."

The boy continued to watch and whine as he observed every step and every ingredient. Wild rice and regular rice, tiny pieces of carrots, peas, nuts, green stuff! His Danna was making a rice pilaf!

"NOOO!" Deidara screamed falling to the floor tugging at his hair. If there was one thing that Deidara despised, it was a rice pilaf. "Waaaugh" he cried flopping onto the floor in a massive hissy fit.

Sasori smirked darkly and glanced over at the thrashing boy almost hoping he would hit his head. He smirked at the thought but carried on his plan. "Deidara I'm sorry, I thought this was what you wanted."

"What!?" Deidara cried with his voice cracking and his motions coming to a sudden halt.

"Yes." The redhead bent down holding the picture a blob with various colours and the incredibly poorly written pizza below it. "I saw this and thought you wanted PILAF."

Deidara's wet eyes grew wide. So it was a simple misunderstanding? "I d-didn't want pilaf, I wanted pizza, unnn. It's pizza day!

Sasori flipped the picture around and squinted at it, adjusted his glasses, even pulling it close and away from his face. "I'm sorry Deidara, I just don't see it. Perhaps you should spend the day working quietly on your penmanship?"

Deidara sent the older man a look that was a mixture of blankness and distraught. "Pen man ship..."

"Go spend today QUIETLY practicing to write, and we can get pizza for dinner."

Deidara's eyes went wide in realization. "Oh! I can do dat, un!" And he sprinted off to his room to work.

Sasori had to make a mental note to check up on him every so often. Even though the boy had promised to not eat anything stupid, Sasori didn't trust him. Everything went in that kids mouth. If Deidara wasn't chewing his toys, he was chewing his nails, hair, shirt, or lip. Heck, he even found ways to chew at Sasori!

"Oh well. I get pilaf for breakfast and a quiet morning!" Sasori grinned to himself. "I also don't have to make dinner!" He pumped his fist as he continued to cook himself a delicious meal.

Deidara could some eat fruit for breakfast or something.

After he finished eating himself, Sasori went into Deidara's room with cut up apple and banana for him. Surprise-surprise though as he spotted Deidara chewing on dinosaur tail while he played with his many cars.

"That's not practicing your penmanship."

Deidara quickly looked up at Sasori and smiled. "Pizza! Did you get me pizza? Is it pizza time!?"

"No. It's fruit."

"That's not pizza..."

" And that's not penmanship." Sasori grumble putting the plate on the little table.

Deidara hummed and nodded his head side to side. "I guess you're right." He hopped up and hobbled in a goofy manner to the table and pulled out a notebook and a piece of apple. "I'm gonna start practicing now and you can get that pizza later for dindin."

Sasori patted Deidara's head and the child returned the kind gesture with a cheesy grin. That was that. Deciding his work was done he nodded and walked out of the room towards his own. He sure was tired even after sleeping in. He had been up all night everyday the past week doing school work that it was beginning to take a toll on him. He felt like he could sleep until dinner and nothing could wake him up!

"Just...a little nap..." Sasori yawned taking off his shirt and glasses, crawling back into bed, flipping onto his stomach and quickly falling into that very deep sleep...

Sasori slowly opened his eyes and looked at the alarm clock. He knocked over the picture of pizza and nearly had a heart attack. Four? Was it really four in the afternoon!? He slept all day! He -

"Deidara!" He gasped hopping out of bed at a lighting speed. Taking only a few steps up; he stepped on a hard object that sent him colliding with the floor. He looked back at it. "Dammit that kid and his stupid markers...oh wait it's a permanent marker - it's mine."

Sasori sighed heavily, stood up, and made his back to check in Deidara. The house didn't smell like it was burning and if there was an emergency, Deidara knew very well to come get Sasori for help. Look back at the toilet catastrophe for a good example of that. Damn that boy and his damn crocagator. Damn them both.

He peeked into the room to see Deidara happily playing with his birds and airplanes, quietly talking to them and creating his own world of wonder and magic. Truly the great work of a child's sweet innocent mind. Too bad those times seem to slip through an adult like Sasori's fingertips.

"That's not practicing your penmanship."

Deidara happily looked up at his Danna and gave him a wide eyed stare before letting out a loud childish giggle. "Oh but I did! I did while you were fast asleep!"

Sasori furrowed his eyebrows. "Huh?" He knew he had been sleeping?

Deidara tried to quiet his stuggled giggling with his hand only to end up chewing on it. "Haha! Go look in the mirror silly, un!"

Sasori clenched his teeth and quickly ran to the bathroom mirror and nearly screamed. Cracked stutters could only be heard. All over his face, shoulders, back, and legs was written PIZZA in thick black ink...

"The permanent marker that was on my floor..." Sasori gasped.

The more Sasori looked the more he realized exactly how many times Deidara wrote PIZZA. It wasn't ten times, nor twenty. There had to be at least one hundred pizzas written on him, if not more. All in the permanent marker.

"Can you read it, un? I got really good! Now we order the pizza?"

Sasori stared incredulously at the child standing at the doorway "What - what made you think it was a good idea to write on me?"

Deidara saw the flame burning in Sasori's eyes and the top lip beginning to curl back in a snarl. He took a deep breath. "I just wanted to show you how good I got... I gotted good just for you..." Here came the water works. "S-so you could read it an be proud an we could eat pizza together, un!"

Sasori sighed and rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. Deidara in turn just began to cower and cry louder.

"So you want pizza huh?"

Deidara, now a sad little ball on the floor, nodded and let out a whine. "Unnn."

"Go get my phone and the phone book."

The delivery boy rang the doorbell, quietly waited and on teetered back on forth on his heels. As the door began to open his prepared a big happy smile until...

"Hey, here's the money keep the change." The transaction was going by very quick and the door was half open.

The door was then quickly shoved open all the way and the transaction was put on immidiate hold. "Nooo! Me pay, me pay!"

He looked down and watched as his money was passed on, and was now being handed the wad of cash from a child. The pizza was swiftly taken away by the adult who had, more importantly, been the one to REALLY catch his attention.

While Sasori had managed to cover most of his body by the time the pizza came, he hasn't been able to completely clean his face of the dreaded ink. It was successfully smeared grey in a section but clearly the word pizza remained. All the pizzas had and were very visible.

Sasori looked up and caught onto the demented look the delivery boy was giving him and sighed. "It's pizza day." He said in voice heavy with false enthusiasm.

"Oh..." The teen said as if he completely did not understand. "Have a good...Pizza day."

"Pi-zza day! Pi-zza day!"

* * *

ahahahahaha fingerfood lost a favorite. that's right. I noticed.

that's ok. i have loads of fun writing these. love to torture sassy danna totally

speaking of sassy danna, he's a total marshmallow. such a softie


	15. Carry me or

"Danna! Pick me up, un!"

Sasori glanced at the child hopping at his feet with their hands in the air. He was a little perplexed at the moment since Deidara wasn't the most stable child. Some days all he wanted was to be held and smothered in what could be called love. Sasori wasn't sure what Deidara considered love since he had gone out of his way to make it quite clear he was not particularly fond of the boy. However, other days the boy would only kick, scream and attack whatever would restrain him. Car seats, buggies, bike helmets, Sasori, over-touchy-classmates. You name it.

"Please Danna, PUH-LEASE!"

Other adults were beginning to stare. Was comparing yogurt prices more important than a sweet child begging for a moment of affection? To Sasori; yes, yes it was.

"Danna, please carry me! I wanna be helded, un!"

Sasori glanced down to make eye contact. Making that eye contact, Deidara mustered up all his power, tilted his chin downwards and gave the sweetest puppy look he could. Sasori smacked his lips and tilted his head to the side and made an equally loving look.

Had Deidara finally won this battle? Or would his Danna drawl it out for as long as possible only to end up crashing and burning in the end.

"Next isle, crackers." Sasori stated still smiling but while also jerking the little blond off his leg before continuing to carry on with the grocery shopping. "Careful of your head." He mentioned motioning to the basket in his hands that was getting close to colliding with the blonds head.

Deidara huffed his cheeks. All he wanted was a little bit of sugar! Affection! Attention! Somthing! Was that such a hard thing for Sasori to give? Well, he picked the wrong person to have a fight with! He dashed after the redhead and made claim to a leg and held on for dear life. This irked Sasori as it made it a struggle to walk. Still, he carried on. He would not fall victim to Deidara!

"Dannaaa! I wanna be held by youuu."

"Mhmm."

"Huggies!"

"Mhmm."

"Snuggos!"

"Mhmm."

"Danna!" He whined with his voiced wavering pathetically. This was getting tiresome, fast. Time to pull out the big guns. He took a deep breath and let his bottom lip stick out in a trembling pout. His eyebrows turned upwards so high you'd think they'd flip upside down and his blue eyes began brimming with tears. This was going to be -

Without even turning around Sasori stated very firmly, "I'm not falling for that. Cry here and once we get home, you won't be leaving your room and our dinner will become nothing but rice pilaf."

All motions halted and Deidara groaned. The last thing he wanted was to spend time in his toy filled bedroom! Pilaf? Yuck!

Now Deidara was just plain mad at Sasori. He completely forgot the reason why he even wanted to be carried by this meanie weenie in the first place! Revenge was due, but he had no plans, no ideas, all he could do was ask once more and maybe knock a few things off the shelfs?

"Danna! I just wanta be carried please, please, please!"

Sasori had just made a threat and here the kid was still complaining. THIS was going on too long for him. Time for the big guns. "Deidara please stop - "

A loud thunk could be heard as when Sasori finally turned to scold the boy, the grocery basket he had been carrying came to a great crash into a little baby face sending Deidara straight to the floor.

Sasori could feel the dread come on as he looked at Deidara just lying there on the floor. His eyes were open so he wasn't unconscious, he just lay there staring up at the high, white ceiling.

Sasori gulped as he got on one knee to get a closer inspection. "Deidara, are you...Okay?"

Deidara remained silent, slowly got up and just stared at his Danna. Of course he was okay, he had been spaced out while thinking about his revenge plan and was just slightly bumped with the basket; simply throwing him off balance. It's not like he was hurt or felt betrayed that Sasori had bumped him.

"Deidara, can you say a little more? Your silence is starting to freak me out."

Deidara stared a moment longer. Revenge isn't his strong point. Heck, he's a small child! He had only one move had that was a hissy fit. What else could a little boy do to bug someone he cared about? "Can you cawwy me pwease?"

Sasori grumbled as he gave up. He picked up the boy to bounce him around a bit in an attempt to soothe whatever was to come. The last thing he wanted was Deidara screaming "Child abuse!" or loud crying in general.

"Ahhh..." Sasori raised an eyebrow at the content sigh Deidara gave. Had he really done the correct thing in soothing the child? "You can put me down now, un."

"Are you sure? After I put you down, I'm not picking you back up!"

"I'm sure. Down now please." Deidara mumbled again this time squirming around Sasori's arms a little more vigorously.

Sasori rolled his eyes and plopped the kid back onto his two feet. "Why were you so bent up on being held anyway?"

"At first I wanted to be held by my super Danna."

"Uh-huh... Huh?" Sasori gagged a little and looked about the aisle briefly letting his eye stop on a little old lady who just squeezed on past them. He took a breath and gagged a little.

"And then you were such a buttman, so I just wanted to fart in your arms."

Sasori stared for a moment and looked back at the old lady standing over at the canned food staring at the two and then back to Deidara. "You farted in my arms?" He hissed in a lower voice. "And on purpose?" Now he hissed a little louder.

Deidara nodded, "On your arm, un." and giggled before turning around and bending over so his little rump was high in the air. "Poot poot, Danna." He laughed again giving it a little wiggle. "Poot poot!"

For the rest of the week Deidara would point and scream whenever the arm came near him or anyone else, "Ewies! That's the fart arm, un! The fart arm!"

* * *

gross baby gross baby. fart danna fart danna. sasori for sure didn't get any dates that week. who dates a guy with a fart arm? deidara won this battle.

happy new year


	16. You're mine

Sasori sat on a bench as he watched Deidara run off to play at the park with a couple other boys. One he had seen with Deidara at school and Halloween. As for the others, they must be a new friends he has just made.

"Must be nice to be young and able to meet people so easily." He grumbled now turning his head down to look at his phone for a moment since he was completely bored out of his mind. It was freezing out! How parents just sat around and watched kids play and scream was beyond him.

"Go play!"

Sasori looked up to see a woman who was approximately his age with a girl who was probably ten or eleven. As the younger girl ran off the woman looked towards Sasori and smiled sweetly and took a seat beside him. That's right, the adults talked to one another at the park! Sasori was an adult!

"May I ask which one is yours?" She asked continuing to smile.

Sasori became flustered and pointed out Deidara. "T-the little blond."

The stranger raised her hand to shield it from the sun "Oh she's so pretty! Your sister or your...?" she asked hoping he'd finish it.

"Actually, that's a boy and I'm his...babysitter. His father is a family friend."

"A boy? He's so cute and little! I'm like, here with my little sister and - "

Sasori's brain turned hazy as he and the woman started talking and laughing. She occasionally put her hand on his elbow, laughed at all his jokes and more importantly while this was going on, Deidara stayed away. Far away. This is what being a university student was supposed to be like - Being an adult and meeting attractive women!

'This is it! A girl likes you! Play it smooth, Sasori smooth - '

"Aaahun!"

A loud shriek alerted all the adults at the park and a few jumped up to help , Sasori included. How could he not when Deidara was lying on the ground screaming and crying as if he were dying.

When Sasori got there a Mom with her super-mommy-instincts, had already wrapped an arm around him while the other hand held onto his little arm that had a big scrape. She was rocking him back and forth to calm his little wails.

"Who are you with sweetie?" She asked when she noticed he wasn't going to quiet down on her terms. This little guy needed his mommy or daddy.

Deidara continued to cry, looked around and saw his Danna trying to get through a crowd of kids. "Himmmmm! Dannaaaa!" He yelled now becoming frantic to shove the nice woman away.

When the kids finally moved and the woman finally passed the boy over to Sasori who scooped him up and carried him back to the bench where thankfully the girl remained but was now looking concerned. He cradled the small boy and very gently rocked him back and forth until his sobbing subsided. When he stopped his eyes went straight to the girl beside them who was ready with a bandaid and a tissue to dab at the scratch. Deidara yanked his arm away reluctant to let the stranger touch him so Sasori sighed and took it from her.

While Sasori looked at the scratch the girl started talking to Sasori about nonsense again and they both started laughing. Deidara growled. How dare they laugh and have fun while he suffers! How dare his Danna fool around with some woman! How dare he have fun with someone who's not him!

"'M surprised you're talking to my Danna, un."

The woman jumped a little as she looked at the boy who started talking to her. She then smiled and laughed a little. "Why is that sweetheart?"

Deidara sighed into an unhurt palm and sniffed. "Well girls don't usually talk to him and I don't blame them."

She raised both her eyebrows at Sasori now and then looked back to Deidara with the same face. Sasori on the other hand cautiously raised another tissue the blonds nose so he could blow it.

"Why not?" She asked looking over the redhead as if she were checking for external defects.

"Yes Deidara, why not?" Sasori asked rubbing away the snot dripping from the boys nose. He did everything for Deidara, shouldn't every word that comes out of the boy be nothing but praises?

Deidara fidgeted away from the tissue, but Sasori was adamant on cleaning up the mess making him grumble. "Well you see, Danna gets really angry allllll the time. So angry he swears at cars, peoples, all things and even me! Really bad anger problems, un."

She gasped and gave Sasori a disgusted look. "He swears at you!?" She was clearly unimpressed with the idea of a man cussing at cute child like Deidara.

"Uh-huh! He also coops himself up in the house a lot too, un! Even when I want to play outside! He won't even play with me."

Sasori's eyes widened as he gave the girl a pathetic reassuring smile before raising a hand in an attempt to shut Deidara's yapping mouth, but the boy squirmed out of his lap and made his onto the girls. Apparently Deidara was happy to share all the shit he had on him. No praises from Deidara today!

"You think that's bad, un, you should smell his farts! They're soooo stinky and loud! Just lets it go like - " proceeding to make flatulence noises. "It's like a tuba!"

Sasori turned so red he thought he was going to die from embarrassment. What did he do to deserve this? Well, based on what Deidara was saying, a lot of reasons.

"And do you know what's worse than that?" Deidara added quietly.

The girl smacked her lips and leaned in to hear better. "Uh...What?" She whispered back.

"...his poops!" He screamed right in her face.

The woman groaned beginning to get fed up with all this and grabbed her bag pulling it close. She was beginning to have just about enough of Deidara spilling the beans on what a loser Sasori was.

"And I know all this a'cause he lives with me."

Sasori burrowed his face into his hands as she looked at him with one raised eyebrow and crinkled nose "You live with this child who calls you 'Danna'? I thought you said you were just babysitting?"

"Well, yeah but." Sasori mumbled.

"He lives in my house since he's homeless and has no job!"

She cringed a little. "Homeless and jobless?"

"Actually - "

"Uh-huh! He also tells me everything I do is wrong and makes me cry!" Deidara added sticking out his bottom lip before latching himself to hug the nice girl,

"Oh how mean!" She cried hugging the boy back.

"And uh, this one time, he let me eat so much ice cream in the darky scary basement that I throwded up! And then he yelled at me! Me, un!"

The girl now raised both eyebrows at Sasori who just stuttered wildly. This is not how things were supposed to go. Deidara had to show up and ruin everything. Being reminded just how much of a shitty person he was also not a treat to hear either.

"Excuse me if you please." She put Deidara down between herself and Sasori, grabbed her bag, stood up and walked away to the other side of the park where there was an open seat next to another woman.

Sasori gaped as she left and reached a hand out, "C-come back...no..."

"Okay, un!" Deidara cheered as he climbed back onto the redheads lap. He grabbed the tissue and blew his nose again before snuggling into Sasori's chest to rest. His arm still hurt and his eyes grew tired from crying.

It may have hurt a lot, but falling on purpose turned out well on his part.

"Deidara...why?" Sasori finally asked, but when he looked down he saw the boy had snuggled into him with a death grip. "Why?" He asked again feeling the pain of heartbreak.

"Danna you silly goose, un! You're mine!"

* * *

dear, name top secret: for your question if there will be romance, this is about as much romance sasori is ever going to get. this is not a romance story.

poor sasori, you will never get with the ladies huh. don't worry tho, babydei still thinks you're a pretty okay guy.


	17. Ducking scared

"BOO!"

Sasori gave yet another unmanly shriek as Deidara jumped out of the cupboard wearing some weird clay mask he made at school. Scaring the poor redhead again. For like the tenth time this week, sheesh. He growled, clenched his teeth and breathed heavily. This was seriously getting out of hand.

"Must...endure it..."

Some of the scares Deidara took part in were pretending to be in some sort of peril, jumping out of the closet, screaming to wake him up, hiding his homework, and most recently he had a merry old time attacking Sasori in the shower.

The real unfair thing was that while he had been in the shower, Deidara had given Sasori a good swat on the behind and Sasori was incredibly limited with his punishment options, especially while being wet and naked. Can you imagine if he spanked the boy? Hell fire would come raining down as he would get a phone call from his school, a call from CPS, a call from the little monsters father. Heck, Konan even might whoop his ass for mistreating her lovebug.

Wet slaps hurt extra bad... And as Deidara said when he got scolded afterwards, "Poor widdle tushie..."

"Ah screw it!" Sasori hissed as he stomped to his room. The scaring thing was being put to an end - today!

He grabbed Deidara and threw him into the air receiving many giggles from the simple action. He then plopped the now happy blond on the couch and threw a blanket and a tasty snack on his lap before turning on the shortest one of Deidara's favorite movies. This ought to buy him some time to prepare...

Leaving the boy and going to his workshop, Sasori got out one of his woodworking tools and a packet of fake blood he had bought around Halloween for no reason. He had also spent the night before creating a puppet replica of his own hand. This was going to be great!

The movie came to an end and Deidara wiped a small tear. It was so sad that he could never become as cool as the shows main character. He could only hope that one day he could be a dragon. One that breathes fire. And can fly. And roar. And whip the tail around like, woo-whatcha! No more stinky rules for DragonDei!

Suddenly there was a knock at the door leaving him confused as to where his Danna was and why he wasn't the one answering it. Most of the time they would race to the door - even though Deidara wasn't supposed to answer it in the first place. It wasnt fun without Danna screaming and yelling for him not to go near it, and here he was though not showing up or yelling or anything or nothin! Deidara whimpered and called around but didn't get a response, so he went to check who it was via the small window by the door.

Sasori grit his teeth. Who was at the door? This was putting a bump in the plan. Dammit Deidara, tell them to go away! He couldn't hear anything. Oh well, they are probably gone anyway if it was so quiet. If it was important, Deidara would be hooting and hollering for him.

Whatever was going on, it was time to start the plan. Sasori turned on a power tool and then off, gave a loud, loud, so very loud yell and even dropped the tool.

Suddenly a tiny scream cried out from the other side of the house and heavy, quick footsteps came ringing down the hall. Closer...closer...

"Hragughuh Raaaagh!" Sasori screamed waving his bloody stump around, letting the bloody puppet hand come crashing to the ground over near the doorway; Even accompanied with continuous screaming.

And by golly he wasn't the only one screaming.

Sasori got what he wanted. The look of Deidara's little face scrunched up in absolute fear! The greatest amount of terror! THIS was payback! THIS WAS REVENGE ON A FIVE YEAR OLD!

"Waaaaugh!" The screaming of horror changed to crying of pure sadness. This was becoming less and less fun every moment. This was a little too sad. Sasori slowly looked over to see that the little boys pants were soaked. He had scared the baby so badly he that he didn't only scream and cry, but he peed his pants. Yes, too sad.

"Oh shit!"

"Shit's right!"

Sasori hardly had time to look at who said that before a foot came swinging at him, sending him onto the hard floor. Goddamnit this woman was strong!

Deidara looked back the female guest, then down at his pants and just screamed even harder as he looked back at to his injured Danna and the bloody severed hand near his feet.

This was embarrassing, and chaotic. Deidara could only wonder what the heck was going on!?

"WAAAAUGH." He raised a first, shoved it in his crying mouth and collapsed onto the floor in utter shock of not being sure to run away, stand in his pee, or step in the blood to help his Danna. "HE BLEEDIN, HE BLEEDIN!"

Konan, our dear Sasori slaying warrior princess, dashed back to her sitting lovebug and picked him up and took him straight to the bathroom. Sasori's foolish pranks couldn't trick her. How low though to prank a sweet little baby out of the blue like this!

Yes. Out of the blue. Sure.

"Oh honey-bear it's okaaay!" She cooed while swaddling him. A barrage of kisses were planted on his wet, red cheeks in attempt to sooth the poor little guy. Konan did anything to Deidara that it began to look a little frantic.

While she was busy doing that, Sasori straighted himself out and dashed after the two while fixing his stump so his safe, and uninjured hand was showing. He even held up the bloody fake hand up so Deidara could see it. "It's fake! Just a joke!"

Deidara took one look at the dripping bloody hand and let his screams get louder all over again. To him, was not a very good joke.

"Get outta here!" Konan screamed angrily as she smacked Sasori on the head before turning on the bathtub and got to undressing the boy. The last thing any of them wanted was for him to sit in his own urine. Konan was going to make things all better in this messy household.

However, what made things even worse is while she was carrying him, undressing and now bathing him; Deidara was giving Sasori, who was sitting just outside the bathroom door, a look of sadness and betrayal. The look burned through Sasori like sunshine beaming on a magnifying glass onto an insect. Sasori being the insect of course. It gave him a dreadful feeling in his gut. Had he really gone too far with the punishment - I mean prank? Should he have toned it down? All in all, Deidara was indeed a tender little lovebug, right?

Who was he kidding? This kid is a monster out to ruin his life!

While looking under the sink cabinet to grab some requested toys, a smile crept on her face. "Hey baby, I have an idea that might cheer you up."

Deidara just moaned and splashed in the water a little - now becoming distracted by it and slowly forgetting about the whole ordeal. "Oki..."

Konan smiled and grabbed a bottle of soap and put a squirt in the filling tub and immediately, bubbles arose like crazy.

"Bobbles, un!" Deidara squealed splashing around like a madman.

Konan smiled and swished her hands in the water to make more. They both laughed and giggled harmoniously. She helped him wash his hair and even gave him a soapy back wash. The two of them were in a beautiful heaven of love.

Sasori however, sat by the door sulking as he watched the two of them enjoy their stupid playing and having a merry gay old time. What did she have that he didn't? Why did he have to be such an ass? Why was Deidara such a pain in one? What made Deidara and Konans relationship better? Did he love her more than him? Did Sasori wish Deidara would splash and get Konan's white T-shirt wet?

All he knew was the answer to the last question. That was a definite yes.

"And that she doesn't have to live with him..." Sasori grumbled into his chest as he stood up to wash his face clean of some splatters of fake blood in the bathroom sink.

Almost instantly Deidara started cooing at him to come play. Sasori could only sneer. NOW he wanted to play - and only now because he noticed him. Typical of children really. Sasori continued to scowl at the boy in the reflection in the mirror as the boy went back to playing boats vs. sea creatures and bubble beard extravaganza. His bad attitude completely over minded that be could be so lucky that Deidara had been so quick to forgive him.

"You know what?" Konan asked Deidara as she pulled the plug. "This is the absolute perfect opportunity to use the gift I brought for you!"

"Gifty!?"

"Gift?"

"Gift."

Konan stood up leaving both boys watching her walk away. What could the new gift be? A toy? A snack?

"Why don't I get gifts..." Sasori continued to grumble as he watched the small boys slide around on his butt on the slippery bottom of the bathtub. "Do you have to do that every time you bathe?" He huffed.

Before Deidara could respond, Konan had quickly made it back into the room with a bag she opened. All eyes were on her as she pulled out a chunk of yellow fabric. What in the world...

"Ta-da!" She unfurled the fabric and it became a little animal towel with a hood.

"IT'S A CHICK!"

She pursed her lips and then laughed "Uh no, it's a duck...a birdie!" She then draped it on the boy and watched as he marveled at it while squishing the fabric on his damp body.

Deidara oohed and aahed before pointing a finger at Sasori. "And ducks don't go quack, un!"

"Oooh, so close." Sasori chuckled down into his chest as he lowered onto his knees to help Konan out by giving the child a rub down. He then scooped him up, headed to Deidara's bedroom and plopped him on the floor. "Lets get some clean clothes on you..."

"NO!" Deidara screamed, wrapping his new duckling towel around him even tighter. "I'm never ever never takin this off! I'm a ducky, un!"

Sasori's eyes narrowed and Konan just giggled. Now he had let Deidara live in his Halloween costume for a couple days, but this was completely different.

"Give me that!" Sasori yelled lunging at the moving boy, only to miss. "You're not sitting around naked in a wet towel all day!"

"Un! I am! Just watch me!"

Sasori slowly got himself off the floor. "If you don't give that towel to me by the time I get to three," he hissed. "you won't have that nice new birdie towel anymore!"

Deidara gasped and then huffed.

"One..."

Deidara stomped around in the towel.

"Two..."

Deidara whined and gave a few pathetic jumps.

"Three!"

Deidara shrieked and ripped the wet towel off and whipped it at Sasori's head. "If I can't wear the towel, I'm gonna stay naked, un!" And he ran away.

Sasori scowled and Konan continued to laugh behind her hands. "You... How is this humorous to you?" He asked sending her a nasty look.

Konan slowly turned to face him, still hidden behind her fingertips. "He has such a cute widdle baby tushie! He kind of waddles when he runs too!" She shrieked excitedly, "He's sooo cute!"

Sasori stared at her dumbfounded, "You're so...weird..."

Suddenly there was a loud noise. Sounded awfully like a door unlocking, a loud latch noise...

"HE'S GOING OUT THE FRONT DOOR!" Sasori screamed running down the hall to the door. Heaven forbid the neighbors see a naked child come running out of the house in the middle of winter.

Konan just shook her head, picked up the little towel and hung it on the closet door handle. "Oh dear... Now this I have to see."

* * *

and what she saw was sasori chasing a naked baby around in the cold rain until they both slipped and fell on the wet grass and into the mud. both needed a bath and deidara got his ducky towel back.

.

I accidentally uploaded chapter 15 twice after I made a correction to 16. sorry if that confused or irritated anyone, why didn't u tell me jeeze. here is an early update as sorry.


	18. Lost in the park

Deidara hobbled along the darkening park sadly. Left, no Danna. Right, no Danna. This way and that way, no Danna. He was all alone in a world of the unknown. Well, he had actually been here multiple times with the redhead before. Sasori would often plop him in a stroller or on his scooter and off they'd go for a merry afternoon of excersize.

This was a different day, for yes, there was no Danna in sight.

He whimpered and tugged at the edge of his coat before waiving his little arms around, letting the pinned mittens swing precariously. What Deidara really needed was an adult. Looking over a few yards stood a large group of people. Maybe his Danna was in there? He sniffed up the large glob of snot dripping from his tiny pink nose and set off waddling in that direction next. He could only hope his big strong Danna would find him soon. He sure was cold and getting the rumbly tumblies.

On the other side of the park, Sasori was in a frenzy. The boy had been there one moment and then - BAM. GONE. Seriously he only looked at the woman for one second. She looked at him! She wanted him! However after smiling back, he was gone, gone, gone! Why did that brat have to be such a handful!

All the things that could happen to him though... What if Deidara was abducted... Or what if Deidara fell somewhere and got stuck? Like a hole! This park has a lake - what if the boy was in the freezing lake? His tiny little fingers freezing off from frostbite! Can you even reattach little baby fingers?

This was the last week to see the lights. Yes, they only came to see the lights that were set up in the park, not get separated!

Sasori took a few staggered steps, looked around through misty eyes and bellowed, "Deidaraaa!"

"Oh! Why hello there lil baby!"

Deidara looked up at the woman talking to him. Wasn't she cold? She isn't dressed for this cold weather at all! In fact, does her father know she's dressed like that in the cold park? She's very pretty, does she know she's so pretty?

All valid questions Deidara could have asked, but he instead chose the much more important and classier, "Wubwubwub! I'm wost, unnn!" and threw his pink little hands upwards in a needy manner.

The woman made a very sad 'aww' and heaved up the now sobbing child and bounced him around on her hip. "How about you come warm up in the tent with us and we help you find your...?"

"Dah-nahhh!"

"Danna? Okay, okay." She sighed rubbing his cheek lovingly. "How old are you, baby?"

"Fiiive."

"Oh, and you're just so little! Like a peanut!" She cooed as she grabbed his petit hand and turned to walk towards the tent that was set up near by. "I'm sure the other girls would just love to meet you."

Deidara just sniffled harshly and rested his head on the woman's shoulder. Maybe things would take a turn for the better now...

Sasori had by now run around the park at least five times, maybe more. His face was red and numb, his lips chapped and burning and snot was pooling out from his nose and freezing to his face. His knees were dusted with icey flecks from slipping and falling on the ice that covered the pathways. Where was that punk ass brat, Deidara!? This was hell!

While running around the park he glanced over at a crowd a few times and had only stopped once to look for Deidara there as well. Maybe the lights would have attracted the boy? Might as well try again. As he approached he gaped and grew angry. This was a photo shoot full of gorgeous models! If Deidara had been here they could have stayed and watched together! But nooo, Sasori had to go and resume looking for the little tyke, putting his gorgeous model watching to a halt! A crashing halt actually as someone came up behind him and shoved him over sending him past the 'do not cross' rope and onto the pavement.

"Dammit!"

"Hey you!" Sasori whipped his head around when two very large security figure approached him. "You need to come with us."

"I didn't mean to - !" Sasori yelped as he thrashed in the men's arms briefly before giving up. He knew he wasn't getting anyway. He was tired, hungry, cold and now could only hope that Deidara hadn't rushed over to investigate in hearing someone fell in front of pretty girls. Even to himself, that sounded like a pretty Lame-O-Sasori thing to do.

"Ma'am, we found a teeny tiny redhead that matches the description."

If seeing the one model without Deidara made him mad. How would seeing a pack of models WITH Deidara make him feel?

Well, blood vessels were bursting in his brain. While he had spent hours running around in the cold, Deidara had moseyed on over to hang out with pretty girls, eat snacks and be showered in their sweet affection.

Sasori started with his wide eyes as he witnessed a pretty girl pop a chocolate in Deidara's big stupid mouth. "You have got to be shitting me..." Sasori grumbled behind clenched teeth.

"Danna! Hiya!" Deidara waved a carton of chocolates around excitedly. "Look, I made friendies!"

Sasori looked at the pack of women once more. They were absolutely breathtaking. And there Deidara sat on one of their perfect laps, with one on either side of him as well as one sitting at his chubby little feet; there was models everywhere!

Okay so the models were great and all but c'mon Sasori, you have higher priorities. Get on with it.

"Deidara!" He rushed over and grabbed the boys face and began looking for marks of death and/or agony. "Oh god are you okay? I've been looking for you everywhere!"

Deidara blinked up at the now even more red man and crammed a chocolate in his mouth. "You dun look so good Danna, un."

Sasori's eyes now flared. He went to shout at him but was beaten by the snapping voice of a female. "So YOU'RE the Danna we've been hearing about for the past hour and a half!"

Had Deidara been away from him for that long? Really? The angry voice had startled Sasori and he looked up to see at least nine angry, yet beautiful, faces. They looked familiar, were they singers?

"Yes?"

Every girl fumed as they yanked themselves and Deidara away from the strange, flushed, little redhead groveling on the ground. "We heard a lot about you!"

"Kill me now." Sasori whined into the palms of his hands. Past experiences showed exactly what Deidara was capable of. Besides, Sasori knows he's absolute shit.

"You awful man!"

"You pig!"

"You bully!"

"You brute!"

"You monster!"

"You're scum!"

"How dare you!"

"This poor baby!"

"The nerve of some people!"

Sasori sighed and just hung his head lower. There was no fighting it, yes he knew he was awful.

"He not so bad, un." All the adults in the room faced the child who had begun to wiggle in the pretty woman's arms. He climbed down and made his may over to Sasori where he proceeded to pull a tissue out of his coat pocket. "It's okay pretty sisters, he's an okay guy, un. I still like him a lot!"

Sasori's jaw dropped a little at the sentiment and reached to take the tissue. He stopped and looked at it sadly. "It's a used tissue..."

"It still good, yeah?" Deidara giggled while tilting his head and patting his Danna's still pink cheek.

The leader of the pretty girls sighed and called Deidara to which he skipped on over happily.

"Well, if you need any help or are feeling abused, you let an adult know right away!"

Deidara nodded happily and opened his arms for a hug. "Thank you for taking care of me, sisters!"

All the girls began cooing before they leaned down to take turns giving the boy big hugs and more importantly, kisses. When they finished they took one look at the child's face and laughed. They even waved goodbye to him as he and Sasori headed home.

On their way back to the parking lot, Sasori's eyes scanned his phone. He was sure those girls looked familiar. Abruptly scowling his eyes went from the phone to lingering on Deidara.

"What's wrong Danna?" Deidara looked up cheerily. "Did'ja miss me, un?"

His stare turned into a glare. The hunch was correct, he did know those girls. Those girls were superstars and they went out of their way to chastise him for whatever bullshit Deidara said to them. Meeting and being verbally attacked by celebrities was one thing, but having to acknowledge that the little brat had lipstick marks from nine famous, beautiful, and successful females was unacceptable! If only lasers could actually come out of his eyes...

"What's that look for Danna? You wanna kiss me too?"

* * *

sasori is such a hornball...

did u guess the gang of nine lovely singers? no? well gee gee gee gee babydei is sad ur so dumb. even though i guess they're 8 now... well, BYE LOSERS.


	19. I look good

Sasori stared into the mirror. Everything was looking good down there, nice and smooth. Now it's not like he had a date and that was the reason why he needed to do some trimming way down low, he just thought he could use a little...cleaning up. Maybe for just in case, even though it was very unlikely, a female might actually talk to him today or even tomorrow. Things might happen... Things. Fingers crossed!

"Yeah...I look good..." He muttered as he snapped closed the elastic waistband of his sweatpants. Raising a pale arm, he flexed it. Really, there were no muscle there, but in Sasori's mind he was a gift to all woman-kind. "Yeah...really good..."

Sasori happily began running his hands over his equally non existent biceps, and imaginary abs. He even yanked his pants down again a little to make the whole show a little risqué. He blew his reflection a kiss. Yeah, he looked good... Too bad he couldn't be in a relationship with himself and also too bad for him as his self admiring was put on hold when the bathroom door slammed open. He shrieked and snapped the elastic waist band of his sweatpants back up. Didn't he lock that? Well, locked or not, there Sasori stood there in a panicked array as he made eye contact with a sleepy little blond holding a picture book.

Now he was frustrated as well as flustered. Didn't he also just put Deidara down for a nap? He watched the boy fall asleep! Sasori should have had a little bit longer to enjoy his Dei-free time. Again he glanced at the book. What, did he want another story read?

"W-what are you doing awake?"

Deidara lazily blinked his eyes, smacked his lips and stumbled past the redhead. On a mission, he grabbed his little stepstool away from the sink, dragged it to toilet, dropped his pants and hopped on. "I'm poopin." He finally answered opening his book.

Sasori rolled his eyes in turn and looked back at the child; the book this time in particular. "Why is the book upside down?" He asked getting back to eyeing up his muscles. Of course in a much less obvious way this time. He even considered purchasing a shading makeup to help accentuate their appearance. Enhance if you will. Any normal person would say he'd just be drawing them on.

The boy blinked at the book with sleepy eyes, "Readin a book upside down is a whole...new adventure..." and began slowly teetering over to rest his head on the toilet paper holder.

"Hey!" Sasori snapped, getting the boy to jerk and wake up. "This is no place to - "

"It's alrighty Danna, I won't tell nobuddy what'chur doin, un." Deidara yawned as he got back to looking at his picture book about rabbits behind heavy eyelids.

Sasori chuckled a little - a little nervous. What did Deidara know about what he was doing? Tell nobody? Tell nobody about what? Besides, Deidara was sure to tell everyone whatever he had to say. Sasori bit his tongue lightly. He thought about the situation carefully and decided that he had better make sure that whatever Deidara thought he was doing, was either wrong or something harmless.

He pursed his lips and calmly covered his razor under a hand towel. Sasori really didn't need the boy going to school the next day talking about body hair, no sir.

"Please, tell me what am I doing." Sasori asked shifting on his feet and pushing the hidden razor further and further away.

Deidara sighed before half his face contorted. "Ohhh...but Danna it's okay, un. I do it all da time." He let the book fall to the floor and finished up going to the bathroom.

Sasori could only glare a bit as the boy still didn't answer his question, but rather flushed the toilet before he moved on to kicking his footstool towards the sink so he could reach up and wash his hands. "Well? What the hell was I doing?" Sasori asked again as he flicked on the water.

Still not responding, the boy finished lathering and put his hands under the water the redhead had turned on for him, since he still struggled to reach, before quickly ripping them out. "Ouchie! Too cold.." He looked up at Sasori and whined with a pathetic face, "Ow ow! Dannaaa!"

Sasori rolled his eyes and turned on the hot water slightly and got a very different hand towel ready. "Thankies Danna!" He yawned and hopped off the stool. "I'm gonna go back to nap and you can get back to doin what you were doin, un."

This had gone long enough. "WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING?" He snapped yanking the little hand towel away and began thrashing it around like an adult throwing a temper tantrum.

"Huh? I don't know, what were you doin, un?"

! ! ! ! !

Deidara could only be so lucky that the doorbell had just rung or he would have gotten an earful from the now incredibly enraged redhead. He bounced down the hall binging and bonging with Sasori marching on after him. The rule in the house was; no Deidara answering the door. Even though he still tried it.

Sasori shoved the boy away from the door and stuck half his body to keep in open and half to keep it closed. If he wasn't careful, Deidara would make a run for it and play in the rain without any of his rain gear on. He also regretted not grabbing a shirt since wasn't dressed appropriately to answer the door.

"Package for Akasuna, please sigh here." Stated the mail lady in a bored tone.

He nodded and reluctantly stepped back a bit more to get a better grip on the clipboard. Deidara peeked his head through his legs and sent the lady a big grin. "Hiya Mail-Lady!"

"Do I sign here too?"

"Yep. And a hi to you too sonny."

Deidara's eyes twinkled at the response from the woman. All feelings of being sleepy disappeared as he violently began trying to get past Sasori. This woman wanted to talk to him! Too bad for him since there was a big Danna butt was blocking his way!

The struggle got worse every second. Sasori squirmed as he signed, and a pen stripe went right through the paper. "Deidara stop grabbing me - I'm trying to do something!" He yelled trying to safely kick the child that was clawing and shoving at him.

"Dannaaa!" Deidara whined clawing at Sasori's sweatpants.

"Deidara stop, stop, stop!" Sasori shrieked with his 'stops' getting higher in tone with each second. Finally it happened, he tripped to the side sending the door wide open, him going down with it.

That wasn't the only thing that went down.

Sasori was ready to die and Deidara was going to die. The mail lady just stared wide eyed briefly before busting a gut in laughter and turning her head in a different direction to give the poor man some privacy so he could pull up his pants in peace.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry you had to see that!" Sasori cried ripping his pants back up. "Go to your room this instant!" He screamed at Deidara. Said boy gasped and made a run for it not being in the mood to face his Danna's wrath. Especially now that he sounded even angrier than ever.

The Mail Lady chuckled some more and picked up the box that had fallen and handed it to him. "That's okay Sonny, it made my day." And thankfully, quickly bid her own adieu.

Sasori closed the door and pressed his hot face against the it. Breathe in, breathe out. He only flashed the one woman who actually drops by the house everyday. Breathe in, breathe out. Deidara didn't mean to do this, it was an accident! Breathe in, breathe out. She only laughed as her first reaction, clearly not having anything to do with his size or anything, right? Ohhh what the hell. Breathe in - "DEIDARA!"

Quickly there was a ripple of rapid little thumps and there stood the boy present at Sasori's feet. "Un..." Deidara groaned sadly teetering on his toes in a guilty manner and his little hands fiddled with each other nervously.

"Do you know what you just did?" Sasori seethed.

"Unnn."

"That's it? Unnn? You don't have anything else to say!?"

Deidara pursed his lips at first in a sad manner and then in a thoughtful one as he looked in the general direction of Sasori's nether area before looking up to his eyes. "Your peepee got a haircut..." He gasped. "Oh! Is that what you were doin in the bathroom?"

"Deidara."

"Un?"

"Go to your room."

* * *

one day sasori is going to snap and is gonna spank that baby...i hope i filled a missing void in your lives that was a story about sasori shaving his pubes and checking himself out in the mirror. also flashing the mail lady. this was going to end at the where the bathroom convo ended, but then i accidentally just kept going and made sasori suffer more LOL. ps, let me know when i go too far for the k+ rating


	20. Digging

Sasori quietly worked at his desk, the little sounds of tinkering and scraping filled the room. Having finished the educational part of his schoolwork, it was time to work on his art...work. It was a quiet evening even though Deidara was in the same room as him. That meant he was obviously up to no good. In fact, what was that punk doing?

Turning around in his chair he looked at the boy who had his back to him and sighed. For one thing, the once fully dressed child was now down to his underpants and one sock. That wasn't anything new. The boy had also failed to notice he was being watched as his little finger went in, out and around his bellybutton.

Sasori remained quiet as he watched Deidara do the action over and over. What was so addictive about playing with your belly button? Deidara chewed everything, refused to wear clothes, and now played with his bellybutton. What a joy. This kid had a bright future.

Leaning forward on his knees Sasori asked, "Deidara what are you doing digging around there for?"

"I'm...tryin to get inside..." Deidara mumbled not straying from his task at hand. Or rather, finger.

"Get inside where?"

"My yummy tummy, un."

Putting his tools down, Sasori got up and walked over so he stood over the boy. "So let me get this straight..." He crouched down and plopped himself on the floor. "You're digging in your bellybutton, to reach your insides?"

"Un!"

Sasori's lips curled back and he ran his tongue over his teeth. "Really?"

"Really willy! It's too hard to go through my mouth; I just keep gaggin and coughin!"

"Ohhhkay."

Sasori watched for a few minutes (surprisingly) as Deidara dug and dug at his navel. It was beginning to turn bright red and you could physically see it begin to swell up. "I don't think you're going to get in there any time soon. Or ever." He sighed grabbing the still digging finger. "You have to stop now okay?"

"Yeah..." Deidara agreed standing up. "I try again with a knife, un."

"No. No you won't." Sasori said point blank yanking the boys arm so he plopped back onto the floor. He also made a mental note to find an even higher place for the knives as well as to take the boys child-safe scissors. At the moment he didn't trust the boy with anything.

"Un? No knife?"

"No."

" Okay, I wonder how else I can get in my tummy yummy... Oh!" Deidara quickly jumped up again even faster, surprising Sasori. The thing that surprised him even more was when the blond ripped off his underpants. "Do ya think I could reach if I go up my bum?"

Sasori's eyes went wide with horror. "DO NOT STICK YOUR FINGER UP THERE." He commanded loudly as he grabbed the discarded underpants and put them back on the child. "Why! Why do you want to get in there anyway?"

"Un, you know how I sometimes chew 'n stuff?" Deidara mumbled ironically shoving the digging finger in his mouth to chew.

"Yes?"

"I chewed and oopsie swallowed."

Sasori paled a little. "Swallowed...what?"

"A toy."

"Which...one..."

Sighing and shuffling his feet side to side, Deidara raised his hands to gesture his way through explaining. "Ya know how y'have a car?"

"You didn't swallow my car did you?"

"Of course not!" Deidara giggled at his Danna's bad joke. "I swallowed one of my little ones, un."

"You swallowed a racecar!?" Sasori panicked as he grabbed the child ready to take him to the hospital. Something seemed unsettling about a metal racecar sitting in the little guys stomach. Playdoh and now this. He really couldn't handle the child dying, think about what Konan would do to him! Oh right, and the boy's father. That would be two deaths. "What kind did you swallow? When? Where!"

Deidara squirmed away and out of Sasori's grip and and moved towards a bucket that sat not too far from him. From inside he pulled out two exceptionally small buggy vehicles. They were no bigger than a quarter and were plastic, not metal. "I eated one of these, un. Now I hafta get it out."

Looking at how pathetic the toy looked, the redhead felt a little less threatened by it. Whipping out his cellphone he searched up what to do in this situation. Thank goodness for modern technology because it turned out Deidara would be pretty okay. Sooner or later the toy would pass and the only troublesome thing to come was a chance of constipation or a some pain while passing it.

Part of Sasori really hoped Deidara would suffer a bit for his stupid action. Really though, he knew it wouldn't teach the kid any lessons. The other toy eating experience didn't do any good to curb his taste for toys and other non-edible goods. Yeah, we'll throw Sasori on the non-edible list.

"Don't you dare think about putting that hand in your pants!"

Deidara flinched and ripped his sly hand away from the waistband of his underpants. "Yes Danna..."

"The toy will come out in the next time you use the bathroom."

"When I poop? Does that mean I'm gonna poop cars!?"

"In a way..."

"And then I will have it back?"

Sasori shivered at the thought of retrieving the toy from the boys' stool and he certainly didn't want Deidara going near it either. The best thing would be for him to be around when it happened so he could rush over and flush it before the kid went looking for it.

That is unless it was out of his power if the child passed it at school... There was actually a good chance of that happening... But Deidara wouldn't be dumb enough to take his own feces out of the toilet there, right?

"Danna? Why are you crying, un?"

* * *

i write about intelligent things


	21. Mm yum yum alphabet soup

"Deidaraa-a! Supper time!"

Deidara squealed in delight as he heard the best words that come out of his Danna's mouth. If there was one thing he liked a whole bunch, it was eating. But really, how could he not when he spent the whole day with something lodged between his teeth. Eating was teething and getting something yummy in return. At least, most of the time he ate yummy things.

Yucky things usually would somehow fall onto the floor. Somehow...

Spending a couple hours cleaning, but not really cleaning, his room, it appeared to be quite the task. He had the hope that dinner, a bit of TV time and then bed might bring the end of the dreadful cleaning. Running away from his work, he quickly made his way into the kitchen where he sat at a small round table and hopped up onto his his special chair. He was super-duper excited to eat his food. That is until...

"WHAT IS THIS?" He yelled in horror as he looked at his dinner.

Sasori looked into the bowl and gave the boy a confused look. "It's...alphabet soup?" He said putting a small blue spoon by the bowl before sitting down across the table with his own same meal.

Deidara cringed and waved his arms. "I HATE alphbet soup!"

Now that was a bit of a shocker. Sasori squinted his eyes and bit his bottom lip. "You had it just last week and said you loved it!"

"What?" Deidara yelled in disbelief, slamming his hands on the wooden table a few times. "Nuh-huh! No I didn't!"

"Yes! Yes you did!" Sasori yelled, thinking to himself at the same time if he who was the crazy one. "I remember it very clearly, you said 'Mm, yum yum I love alphabet soup'!"

Scowling, Deidara shook his head side to side sending his hair flying. "Now I hate alphbet soup, un."

"You didn't even taste it!" Sasori continued to fuss spactically now being the one to wave his arms. "One bite and you'll remember that you like it!"

Deidara made a noise with his lips as he huffed. "Well APPARENTLY I had it LAST WEEK and I AHMEMBER now that I DON'T LIKE IT!"

Sasori ran his hands through his hair before settling on rubbing the inner corners of his eyes. The boy wouldn't eat. This wasn't a first, but this time he really wasn't in the mood to cook something else for the boy. Even if a different canned soup really only required so much effort. "Well if you don't eat this I guess you're going to starve... "

"No! You can't do that! That's child slavery!" Deidara yelled, banging his little plastic spoon on the table.

That remark from the boy startled Sasori. Where in the world would a five year old learn about slavery or child labour from? Five year olds were supposed to be carefree and not worry about harsh realities of this cruel world. "W-what! Where did that come from?"

"My big buddy at school," The little boy stated matter of factly as he chewed at his spoon. "I asked her about the big wordy book she was readin, and she told me about the slave children."

Cringing, Sasori wondered how the boy could compare his life of luxury and tomfoolery to some short story about the life of a child living in poverty. Perhaps this 'big buddy' could have done a better job explaining to the little moron. Sitting up and leaning on his elbows he asked, "How in the world is your life anything like slave labour?"

"You maked me clean my room and now you're starving me!"

Sasori rolled his eyes. "One, you have no choice, that room had to be cleaned. Besides, you make the mess, you clean it. Two, you have a choice, eat the alphabet soup or go hungry!"

"Oh..."

"Oh. "

"WELL I HATE ALPHBET SOUP, UN."

Stomping his left foot under the table, Sasori was beginning to lose his patience. "No, no you don't! How could you forget how much you liked this! It's only been a week since you said you loved it! "

"If I loved it, I think I would know..." Deidara pouted a little. "Like, I haven't had cake in a long time and I know cake is really yummy in my tum-tummy."

"Deidara, please just eat your dinner." Sasori pleaded leaning over the table. "See," he held up a spoonful of his own and put it into his mouth. "I'm eating mine. Mm, delicious!"

Deidara snorted. "Yeah well, you think aspergis is yummy and it's so not. Bussle spouts too! Yucky!" He finished sticking out his tongue like he had tasted something gross.

"Deidara you are going to stop arguing with me right now and you're going to eat your goddamn soup!" Sasori yelled in a more commanding tone as he wagged his finger in the boys direction.

"Mmnno! I don't want to eat an education dinner, un!"

Sasori sighed into hand. "Just because the pasta is shaped like letters, doesn't make it educational!"

"Mmnno!"

"Yes or you're not leaving this table!"

"Mmnno!"

"Deidara, eat your dinner!"

"You can't make me, un!"

Sasori went to retaliate but stopped short. Instead he sat back and relaxed in his chair, took a few deep breaths and started eating his own bowl of soup. Deidara in turn watched the older male eat, very carefully. Was his Danna really going to give up? Just like that? Did he win?

"All done." Sasori said a little muffled as he swallowed the last of his food. In fact, he was still kind of hungry. Reaching foreword he grabbed Deidara's bowl and started eating that too.

"What are you doin, un!" Deidara yelled sounding pretty upset.

Sasori went wide eyed as he stopped eating, what was the little brat going on about now? A little idea then formed in his head and he dropped his slack jaw a little more, making sure to be overdramatic. "Well if YOU'RE not going to eat this yummy soup, I might as well~"

"What!?"

He inwardly smirked at how dumb Deidara could be. "You know those POOR slave children you were talking about," Sasori mentioned putting the spoonful in his mouth moaning a little at the yummy taste. "they would LOVE to be eating this tasty soup."

"Really, un?"

Sasori went to eat another spoonful but this time a little more slowly as he watched the boy become more interested in the dinner. "Mm-Yup, the slave children don't have a lot of food, riiight?"

"Un..."

"And here you are turning down what they want so badly, just because you won't taste it!" He finished, making his way to hold up a spoonful close to Deidara's face, taunting him with the now highly desired meal.

Deidara kicked his legs and groaned a little as he looked at the spoonful of soup. He didn't want to look bad, especially to the poorer children who apparently knew if he ate his dinner or not. Slowly he sat up and leaned forward to slurp up the soup from the spoon. When he sat back down on the chair he looked up at Sasori who was waiting in anticipation to see the boys reaction.

No real reaction was given. Deidara instead sat up again and grabbed the edge of his plastic bowl away from the redhead where he pulled it closer so he could have a look inside. Inch by inch his hand moved closer to his little spoon. He looked up to see his Danna watching him like a hawk. Finally he grabbed it and ate another spoonful.

Sasori sighed in delight as he watched the child finally eat his food. "So Deidara," he asked. "What do you think of the alphabet soup?"

"..."

"Well?" Sasori pushed on, smiling cheekily as he leaning closer to hear what he knew the boy was already going to say.

"Mm... yum yum, I love alphbet soup, un."

"Of course you do." Sasori chuckled as he rested his cheek in the palm of his hand.

Sending his Danna a quick smile, Deidara took one more mouthful. Sasori in return sent a small, and rather tired looking, smile back before he took care of his own dish. When his back turned, Deidara looked into his bowl at the letters. A cheeky grin crept on his face as he began picking out some of the various letters and placed them on the table.

"Well Deidara, it brings me great joy to tell you that the slave children would be very happy and - " He returned to the table only to stop talking for a moment as he watched the child playing with his food. "What exactly are you doing now?"

"Spellin."

"And you said you didn't want an educational dinner." Sasori chuckled as he walked around behind the boy so he could get a better view of the spelling taking place. He furrowed his eyebrows though as he read what the little blond had spelled out on the table with the noodles. "But Dana is a poop poo..." Sasori read aloud sounding rather unimpressed.

On the other end of this, hearing his Danna read what he wrote, Deidara covered his mouth to contain his giggles. He was a genius. Dirty words out of little noodles! Who woulda thunk it? Throwing Danna in there? Genius! Pure genius!

Glaring at the giggly face that was now covered in a film of orange sauce from dirty fingers, Sasori leaned forward and wiped the noodles off the table and into his hand. "Enough learning, eat your dinner."

"Mm...yum yum I love alphbet soup, un."

* * *

this was supposed to be up yesterday but the time change threw me off oops.

I want alphabet soup and I don't wanna proofread this bleh


	22. Murder

Deidara wasn't allowed to do a lot of things. That didn't mean he it stopped him from doing these things isn't allowed to do. Don't eat right out of the peanut butter jar! The Danna hollers. Don't hold your breath like that, you'll pass out! The Danna hisses. Don't leave your turds floating in the toilet! The Danna yells. Don't leave your damn Lego on the floor! The Danna cries hopping on one foot.

The list could go on and on and on. Trust me.

One rule of the house was NOT to go into the Danna's workshop. When Sasori moved in he was actually given two rooms he could call his own, a bedroom and a workshop. The workshop was located downstairs in the basement and was full of tools that he could use for making his artwork.

This workshop shouldn't be mistaken for the one when he pretended to cut off his hand to scare Deidara. That was done in his bedroom. What a bully that Sasori is.

Sometimes the redhead did work in his bedroom if he had a little project to work on, like, let's say an arm or a hand. Or an over all little project. He worked with woods and sometimes while at school with porcelain. Working with both mediums he specialized in puppets. Each one was a work of art. Some had harsh features, some had fine, but no matter what, they were of the highest quality. Without a doubt, Sasori was an artistic genius.

Who just couldn't seem to get the ladies.

Enough about Sasori! The was someone else couldn't get something they really wanted. That someone was Deidara. If there was one thing he wanted, it was to see the workspace of his great Danna. He never ever even go to see the big guys' art! Deidara made sure to share his, but Danna? He apparently just never had the time.

Which was a total lie. If Sasori had time to sit on the couch, stuff his faces with snacks and spend far too much time looking in the mirror, he could take Deidara into the basement and show him his workshop. Or at least bring a piece that wasn't a weird little arm-like thing or assorted amount of pieces that resulted in said arm or even a foot.

What was he even doing with body parts? He was hiding something from the little blond, that's what. Today was the day that Deidara was going to solve the mystery of the basement workshop.

"I'm gonna solve the mystery, no matter what, un."

Sasori stood out on the small porch out back lifting ten pound weights in an attempt to bulk-up. Maybe then he'd finally get the ladies. Realistically, no matter how many times he lifts that thing, nothing will change. If he wants bigger muscles, Deidara is the perfect weight to carry around. Certainly not that rinky dinky thing he's lifting up and down.

Since Sasori was out of the house, Deidara took this as a chance - a chance to see the workshop. Already having a small flashlight tucked into the handy front pouch of his spaceman undies, he snuck into his Danna's room. Task one was complete. He pulled himself up onto the chair by his desk and spun around a few times. It was all fun until he remembered what he came in there for. Opening the drawer he saw it, the key to the workshop! Snatching the key he spun around the forbidden spinny chair one last time and booked it out of the bedroom.

Looking back he said bitterly, "If only all chairs spinned, un." And carried on his mission.

Carefully he snuck around each and every corner, not wanting to accidentally run into Sasori. He could only imagine what the mighty Danna would take away from him for doing this. The risk didn't matter now. Deidara had to know what his Danna was hiding from him!

Making his way down the first half of stairs was a piece of cake. It was the next ones that bothered him. Even though he had at first conquered his fears in the summertime and gone down there for a treat, this was different. He didn't have permission to go down there, especially not with the certain goal in mind.

Holding his breath and grabbing the bottom of his shirt he pulled it up into his mouth the chew. Deidara then slowly crept down the really really really long staircase. It wasn't really that long, but it was a lot of stairs to the boy and his little legs!

Reaching the bottom he opened the door that closed off the basement floor and switched on his flashlight. Unfortunately the room itself didn't have a bright light and neither did the toy flashlight, so even with both lights, it still left the place fairly dark.

Traveling further to the right, past the freezer, Deidara swallowed hard at the sight in front of him; the door to the workshop. Taking a few deep breaths, he then stepped up on his very tiptoes and unlocked the door. It took several tries, but when he finally got it open, he panicked. He was not ready for this!

Deidara is baby! Baby baby baby!

No! Deidara is no baby! He is a man. A small man, but still a man. A man out to solve the mystery of the creepy workshop.

"I'm just like the Scooby-Doo, un." He whispered shakily clenching at the flashlight till his palms began to sweat. "Woobie doobie woo."

Pushing the door open he peered inside. If he thought the room he was in was scary, then the workshop was terrifying! Big scary power tools, weird body parts and other thingamabobs hung from the ceiling... Those thingamabobs almost looked... Like even more body parts!

Taking some more deep breaths, he slowly raised his little flashlight up and pointed the beam of light foreword and screamed. There peering back a him were decapitated human heads! Their eerie eyes glowed back at him!

Ain't got time for this.

Screaming, Deidara slammed the door, locked it with ease and ran off up the stairs. While climbing up the stairs he forgot how to scream, so instead just un'd all the way up.

The screaming didn't go unheard, thank goodness Deidara had made it to his bedroom before his Danna could put his weights down and run inside to investigate.

"Deidara, what's wrong!? Why are you screaming, are you okay?"

Deidara would here normally run into Sasori's arms and beg to be held. However as he looked at the man, all he could see were the peering eyes of the heads... the heads of dead bodies that his Danna had stashed in his basement!

"I'M FINE." He cried raising a hand to protect his neck in case his Danna tried to cut it off here and now.

Sasori didn't buy it one bit. "You don't look fine! You look like you've seen a ghost!" He said back with a voice mixed with worry and enthusiasm. Walking forward, he even dropped to his knees to get on Deidara's level. "What happened? Why did you scream?"

"I, uh..." Now what was Deidara going to say? I went into your workshop and found the dismembered dead body parts you have stashed in their? I broke the rules and went into the workshop, which also means I went in your room? Of course not! "I-I fell asleep on the floor...right here...and had a nightmare."

"Do you...maybe want to talk about it?" Sasori asked, buying the lie.

"No sir!"

"Well," Sasori started as he stood up again. "if you do feel like it, you know where to find me."

Deidara watched the man leave and sat there until he heard to backdoor close. What was he going to do now? They didnt teach him what to do in these situations at school! Well, he did guess that he had to put the key back first.

Quickly putting it back without spinning in the chair, not even once, he made his way to the living room where he grabbed the phone. Taking it back to his room he sat on his floor and looked at it. In school, the one thing he had been taught was during an emergency, you had to call 9-1-1. This was an emergency, right? Having bodies in the basement was not normal. No, not at all. He may love his Danna very much, but in these tough times he would have the turn the guy in.

"Hello this is 9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

Sasori sat there on the deck and lifted the carving knife he had been once been holding before the whole screaming child fiasco. Was he lifting weights? He had been. A long time ago. That got tiresome really fast and was a pain on his arms. While he had been working out for a whole fifteen-probably-more-like-eight-minutes, he felt the muscles pump up and grow.

The ladies wouldn't be able to resist him now!

Going back to his well deserves break, he raised the blade and got back to carving a small torso. This next puppet would be small in size, not like his usual human child sized ones. No matter what, just like the others, it would be perfect.

As he happily carved, Sasori heard a noise that sounded like the back fence that was located just to the right opening. Raising both eyebrows, he was incredibly surprised to look over and see a police officer holding what appeared to be a taser. "Oh hello there, what can I do for you officer?" He asked standing up, blade still in hand.

"Drop the knife!"

"Oh, uh, this? No officer! I'm just carv -"

"I said drop the knife! Hands up or I'll taser you!"

"What! Ok!?" Sasori was now confused and in a panic at what the officer wanted. Knife down or hands up? Scared he instead chose hands up and lifted the blade above his head, which proved to be a very very bad idea.

"That's it I warned you!" Taking one step forward the one part of the taser ejected forward and clung to him and in an instant Sasori was on the ground in shocking pain. "He's down! All advance on the premises!" He cop yelled back before running foreword to restrain the redhead.

"Aaagh! W-what's going on?" Sasori asked the man on top of him, in a lot of pain. Really, he didn't think he would have bulked up that fast to look so intimidating to a cop.

"You're under confinement for the suspicion of murder! Everything you do and say will be held against you in the court of law!" The officer yelled putting a pair of handcuffs him.

"Murder!?"

"Oh good, you're finely here, un" Both the officer and Sasori looked at the back door right beside them to see Deidara holding onto the phone.

Things started to click. Deidara had screamed earlier. What did the kid do? Have a nightmare about him killing someone and he took it for real life so he called the cops!?

"What did you do this time you brat!" He tried to yell but it came out more of a muffle since his face was shoved to the ground.

"Don't you talk to him!" The police officer yelled putting more pressure on Sasori's back.

"Ye-ouch!"

More officers quickly showed up and swiftly took Sasori away around the house, down the driveway and into a police car that was waiting out front. While he was taken away, another officer lifted Deidara up and carried him to the front steps where they sat down together, probably to ask the boy some questions.

"I'm not a murderer! I didn't do anything!" Sasori fought back verbally as he now sat in the cruiser, a couple large and male officers standing above him.

"Yeah? Then what's this about dead bodies in your secret workshop."

"Dead bodies in my workshop? I don't have dead bodies in my workshop! That's my art!"

The officer sneered. "Art!? You sicko." And slammed the door closed.

"Art! My art is puppets! They're puppets!" He yelled behind the closed car door, but alas his cries were not heard. All he could do was look out the car window and watch as a female officer put Deidara down on the front steps, pull out a notepad and sit beside him.

"So there is a back door on the side of the house that leads into this workshop?" The female officer asked taking notes as she went along with her questioning.

"Uh-huh! This is my home so you can go wight on in, un."

She turned gave another officer a nod that they had received permission to search the house. "And you saw dismembered body parts in there?" She repeated back making sure she had everything right.

"Uh-huh! Really scary! Danna was keeping secrets and I was like scooby doo, un." He spoke waving his small hands and crawling up on his knees. "Woobie doobie woo!"

"Very good."

Deidara's eyes stayed on the officer as he stared up at her. Suddenly they went wide as he realized something. "You're a lady police officer!" He noted sounding surprised.

Putting the notebook in her pocket and standing up she responded, "Yes, that I am."

"Danna says women shouldn't be police officers. He says it's mans job."

"Oh really?" She said as she narrowed her eyes and took the notebook back out again. "What else does he say about female cops?"

Deidara scratched his head like he were thinking. "He says they're too harmanal? And if they are cops, they're lesbians."

"Lesbians huh?"

"I don't know what that is...but the way he said it didn't sound so nice, un." Deidara mentioned looking at the back of his hands. "Danna also says the only way a woman should be a cop is in the liddle outfit kind."

The female officer's eyes rolled back and she sighed. "So Red over," she jabbed her thumb in the direction of Sasori. "there is a sexist prick?"

Deidara gasped. "You said the s.e.x word! But, I also dunno what that means..."

"That means he doesn't like women."

"Oh no no no!" The boy giggling teetering back and fourth. "Danna likes women! It's the women who don't like Danna."

"Figures." She muttered smacking her lips that had a small smirk on them.

"I haven't been around a lot of girls, but I think they're pretty sweet, un. I'm sure you're a super cop ma'am!" He spoke with a sweet smile on his face.

The Officer aw'd loudly and bent down to pinch the boy's cheek. "Well I think you're a super kid!"

"Chief! It was a false alarm." A man spoke as he came around the house. "They're not real bodies, just a bunch of marionettes."

"You're the Police Chief!? That's sooo cool, un!"

The Police Chief bit her bottom lip to suppress a squeal of delight so instead put her affection into ruffling the blond's long hair. "I'll be right back buddy, stay put."

Back to Sasori, he remained in the cruiser watching the whole scene. He saw the police breakdown the side door, storm in and take out some of his puppets to look at. He also happened to see Deidara talk with the female cop. Out of all the things happening, that was one of his biggest concern. Especially when she gestured back over to him. Yikes.

What if they wanted to take Deidara away from him?

"As big of a pain in the ass he is, please, please don't take Deidara away..." He muttered slumping in the seat as he watched on.

Suddenly he saw her return to Deidara pick him up and a rush of glee went through him as he saw her pop her hat and aviators on him before proceeding to carry him over to the cruiser. When she opened the car door she plopped the boy beside him and proceeded to kneel just outside it. "So this is what's going on, little guy. This guy here may be a sexist prick, but he is not a murderer."

"Oh that's so much of wonderful news, un!"

"Mr. Akasuna, would you like to explain to your child what it was he mistook took for deceased human remains?" She spoke in an authoritative tone.

"Wait, sexist prick?" He shot Deidara a glare. "What does she mean by that? What did you tell her!"

"Answer the ladies question Bub!" Deidara spoke back while adjusting the hat like a tough guy. "I'm Scooby-Doo!"

Sasori rolled his eyes. "Deidara, those are puppets. I make puppets as a hobby, they're my art."

"So you don't kill people and hide the parts in your forbidded workshop?"

"No!" Sasori scowled a little bothered the child would think that of him.

Deidara nodded like he was accepting what his Danna was saying until he remembered something. "Then why is it forbidded?"

"Because it's full of very dangerous tools, ya dumdum! I just want you to be safe."

"Then why did you never show me your puppies!"

"Puppets! They're puppets!" He hissed. "I never showed you because you would think they were toys or would probably chew on one!"

"Nooo - yeah I probably would have, un." The boy admitted scratching the side of his nose as he giggled.

The Police Chief reached forward and took the hat off Deidara and put it back on her own. "Is everything all settled now?"

"Yes ma'am! Thank you for all your hard work, un!"

"You're not angry that this turned out to be a false call?" Sasori asked, a little worried they would make him pay a fine.

"Of course not!" She sighed patting Deidra on the back. "There isn't anyone on duty here that blames the kid for being scared. His actions are commendable. In fact Deidara you were very brave, good work!"

Deidara's jaw dropped at the kind words and he lept foreword to hug the woman. Sasori's jaw dropped too because it wasn't fair. This babe was totally hot! Probably a lesbian, but still hot!

She in turn wrapped her arms around the boy and wiggled him side to side, having a little battle to see who could hug the tightest. Slowly while hugging she looked up at Sasori but instead of the happy looks she gave Deidara, he got a venemous glare. "What I am angry about is what you're teaching this sweet little angel with the sexist shit you say around him."

"Angel!?" Sasori half laughed at the woman's words, however quickly stopped when she proved to be able to make an even more less impressed face than before. "Ahem! I mean, I'm so sorry ma'am. The poor angel deserves better."

"Yeah, un! You better be sorry! This gal is great!"

Sasori looked down at the boy who just couldn't stop making him seem like a pile of shit. "Deidara~a, shut uuup~"

Calling back her men and letting Sasori go, the last thing she did was grab a pen from the front pocket and hand it to Deidara. "This here is a special police pen that we use, in fact I used it today while on duty."

"Uh-huh!?"

"For you Scooby-Doo, for all your hard work. Keep the streets safe!"

Deidara grinned with glee as he received the special pen. "P-poli-keh of KO-NO-HAH." He read carefully before he furrowed his eyes. "Police of Konoha! Thank you!"

All the officers congratulated him on both his reading and his good work. Many fist bumps were given, many awes were said and a lot of blond hair was ruffled. Deidara was on cloud nine, even though this was all a mistake.

Sasori held the child as they waved goodbye to the three police cars, a little bitterness still residing in the redhead until he realized. "Hey! They broke down a door and didn't pay for it!"

"It's okay Danna!" Deidara sighed wrapping his arms around his not-a-murderer-Danna's neck. "Daddy said that door needed to be repaired anyway. I'm sure he won't mind paying for it if ya call him, un!"

That didn't really reassure the redhead. He grumbled all the way back inside where he grabbed a takeout menu not even bothering to think about cooking after all this. "Hey Deidara, what made you think I had dead bodies in the workshop? You're not allowed go down there."

"Well I uh... wanna hug you so much, un!"

"No. Really."

"Uhhh..." Now Deidara looked like he was going to cry. "I-I sorta went down there and..."

Sasori narrowed his eyes at the boy. "But the door is locked and the key is in my room, which you're not allowed in. The key is even in my desk, which you're really really REALLY not allowed in."

"Unnn."

"Deidara am I going to have to - "

"Y'know Danna! I don't know why I'm not allowed to touch, un, the stuff in my house and you, un, can when it's not your house 'cause its mine and not yours and you shouldn't be able to, un, have..."

Sasori looked mad.

"Un! Danna - "

"I got tazed because of you." He whispered bitterly.

Deidara nodded quickly and patted his lips making kissy sounds. "And I will kiss your booboos better."

Sasori flopped down onto his knees beside Deidara making him flinch back, ready to run. Quickly, Sasori yanked the child into his lap for a hug, surprising him. "I was so scared they were going to take you away from me." He sighed shakily rocking the boy back and fourth.

"Why would they do that, un?" Deidara mumbled hugging the older male back.

"Sometimes the Police can be mean." Sasori grumbled shakily now patting the boys back more in an attempt to soothe himself, rather than the boy who seemed very calm.

"I wouldn't let them take me away, un. I only want to be with Danna." He said gently wiggling away so he could look his Danna in the eyes.

Sasori smiled and let the boys kind words sink in. "Thank you."

After a moment Deidara looked anxiously at his fingernails and shifted his feet nervously. "Am I in trouble?" He asked looking up into his Danna's eyes.

Oh right. The punishment.

"Hell yeah you are. In fact, you're my next puppet project.

"NNNOOOOOO!"

* * *

this came out a tad long..i tazed sasori, how wonderful

bye losers.


	23. Migraine

"Danna! Danna! Dan-"

"Deidara shush!"

The little boy froze at the harsh yell and collapsed on the floor with a yelp. Getting up and walking around the couch, he furrowed his eyebrows at the distressed man lying on it. "Danna," he whispered respecting the mans wish for it to be quiet. "What's wrong, un?"

Breathing heavily, Sasori peeked at eye out from underneath his arm and smiled a little at the child's attempt to be quiet. "I have a migraine."

"Are ya dyin?"

"Yes."

A whine erupted from Deidara's throat and he looked around the room for something to make his Danna feel better. Suddenly he ran out of the room and came back with his favorite plush bird. "Here, you can borrow Bard." He whispered again placing the blue bird on Sasori's chest.

"Thank you..."

Deidara stared for a moment and frowned when he saw his friend was still suffering. "I'll be wight back!" He said before running off around the corner and back down the hallway.

When he came back he had an armful of blankets. Tossing them on, he not so carefully tucked his Danna in on the couch. "Can I get you anything else, un?" Deidara asked as he stepped back from the mountain of blankets.

Groaning, Sasori turned his head an inch and looked at Deidara. "Could you bring me a cup of water?"

Hearing the request, Deidara shrieked. "I'm on it!"

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"Oh, wight."

Watching Deidara run off, Sasori looked down at the plush bird near his face. "This thing is freakin scary looking." He muttered, trying his best to avoid looking at its creepy face.

Coming back with a very full plastic kiddie cup, Deidara handed it to his Danna and watched as the man sucked all the water back. "Thanks..."

"You welcome-ah." Deidara whispered happily that he had helped his Danna in his time of need. "Ya need nennything else, un?"

"Could you...close the blinds?" Sasori asked putting down the empty cup and glancing up at the direction of the curtain near him where the painful sunlight was coming in.

"Yes sir!" Deidara whispered a little more loudly before climbing up on the opposite end of the couch, where the redheads feet were, and grabbing the closing stick to twist the blinds slowly shut.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome, un! And here is your get better kiss." He smiled as he climbed down to go back to the face area to give the man a big kiss on the forehead.

"Thanks."

Deidara watched the man mountain lie there in silence. He understood the man was sick, but what was the boy going to do now? If anything, he didn't feel that he was done playing doctor. Danna Banana needed the best care in the whole wide world!

Thinking hard, he tried to think of what the people on the cartoons did when they were sick. Finally it hit him! Towel on the forehead, duh! Running back down the hallway into the bathroom, he grabbed his stool and reached up to the towel rack and retrieved a small light green washcloth.

When he got back he noticed his Danna peak a weary eye open at him. "Don't worry Danna, this will make you feel all better." And he put the dry towel on his patients forehead.

"Aren't these things supposed to be wet?" Sasori asked a little snappy when a dry cloth was placed on his head instead of a nice cold one. He just wanted to feel better as soon as possible, and Deidara definitely knew that.

Removing the cloth, Deidara looked at it and then at his impatient patient. This cloth had to be wet right away or he wouldn't be a very good docnursetor.

Sasori laid there a moment as he waited for his damp cloth. It was actually kind of sweet that Deidara was going out of his way to take care of him when he wasn't feeling very well. Suddenly he heard it. Something he shouldn't be hearing in the living room, he heard.

Snapping an eye open, Sasori did not like what he saw. "Whoa, whoa, WHOA!" He stuttered as he sat up, making himself rather dizzy. "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"

Deidara looked up from what he was doing and looked down at the now wet cloth on the floor. "I'm gettin ya a wet cloth for your head, silly! You should lie back down, un."

Sasori's eyes went wide when he realized what the boy was going to do with the cloth. "Oh no, you are not putting that anywhere near me. Put it in the trash this instant!" He yelled as he grabbed his throbbing head.

Deidara furrowed his eyebrows at the command. "Trash?"

"Trash."

"But why?"

Sasori sighed harshly as his head lulled back. Slowly he brought it back up and gave the child a very unhappy look. "When I said the cloth should be wet, I didn't mean pee on it and think it would be a good idea to put it my face!"

"Oh."

"Now please," Sasori sighed again resting his head into his hand. "pull up your pants, throw the cloth out, wash your hands and let me get some sleep."

"So ya don't want the wet cloth?"

"No."

"Ya don't want nothing else?

"Trash, wash, sleep."

Listening to his Danna's new command he threw the pee cloth out and washed his hands. The last thing the man had said was sleep, yes? What did that mean again? Deidara sleep or Danna sleep?

Yawning, Deidara shrugged and hopped up on the opposite end of the couch and curled into the unused area near the redheads feet. He slithered under the blankets and grabbed Sasori's foot as he snuggled into it. "Sweet dweams Danna, get better soon, un."

"Thanks..."

* * *

sasori woke up feeling much better. he also woke up to his toes being bitten. babydei, that's gross.

this is short and dumb yes, but have a headache and need a nap. ain't got no time to proofread. bye losers


	24. Art

Sasori is an artist. He knew he was ever since he was very small. His Granny had a helping hand in leading him in a path to the fine arts. Well, she more or less got him into woodworking. From there his skill progressed, his eyes were opened and he learned what his hands were capable of creating. Puppets.

Not only was he skilled at creating figures of humans and even animals, he picked up the common skills of drawing and painting as well. Really, he was a well rounded artist. His love for the arts was everlasting, strong, and most importantly, flawless! For not only was he an artist, he was, no, IS a perfectionist!

Deidara too is an artist. Young and a tad bit novice in his skills, he however was still able to excel far beyond his peers in the art of circle drawing and other various essentials that are used by children. Such essentials consisted of: flowers, trucks, trees, animals, the FINEST sunshines, and the most INCREDIBLE potato people you would ever see.

And the main reason why I mention this is because he knows he is great. For his age, he was a professional. He knew he was an artist, through and through. He too, just like Sasori, had a burning, fizzling, exploding love for the arts. Art was all around him each and everyday with each incredible fleeting moment that came and went, flaws and all.

"Danna! Danna~Danna~Danna~Danna!"

Sasori groaned into his textbook. Not this again! Danna this - Danna that! Couldn't the child entertain himself for more that thirty minuets without coming to bug the living hell out of the him?

He was busy doing school work! Not like the boy would understand. The kid had to read a book out loud every night, and study the spelling of twenty words for the Friday spelling test. Deidara had absolutely no idea what REAL work was.

"Whaaat." Sasori hissed, swinging his desk chair around to face the irritating wad of brat who had decided to take up space on his bedroom floor.

"Danna Danna Danna!"

Sasori groaned even louder. "What what what!" He yelled just wanting this painful interaction to end.

Deidara giggled and ran foreword to throw himself face first onto the other boys lap. "Danna, un! Do ya wanna colour with me?" He asked looking up mustering his sweetest smile.

Hearing the boys' plea, Sasori thought about the idea for a moment. He did like to draw... Not to mention this would give him the opportunity to show off his own incredible skills to the "apparently" artistically gifted child. His most perfect, incredible art skills that is a child would be bound to worship. The child had already seen and enjoyed the handmade puppets, so what was the harm in more showing off a few more of his other talents?

Oh! And a little break from studying didn't sound like such a bad idea either...

"Sure, let's draw."

They both made it to the Deidara's room and sat at the little plastic table where the child had spread out his many pencils, crayons, stickers and other various goodies. Sasori grumbled over the fact that he was short enough to sit there and function okay when a taller or overall bigger man wouldn't fit.

Curse his petit and fragile body!

Deidara pulled out two pieces of plain white paper and handed one to his big friend before getting started on his latest masterpiece. "I'm gonna draw a aminal, un!"

Sasori rolled his eyes and shook his head. Of course the child would draw something mediocre like an animal. "Well, I'm going to draw some vintage cars that - "

"Why not racecars? Racecars are sooo cool!" Deidara piped in happily as he got on starting his picture in the current choice of medium; graphite pencil. Not to mention to overall disregard the older males attempt to one up him in the artistic scale. "Bulldozers are cool too, un!"

Sasori scoffed a little at the child and stuck his nose proudly in the air. "Well I like the vintage cars." He spoke moving his head side to side in a snooty manner as he drew. "They are a timely classic and a true inspiration to all!"

With that he smiled at his incredible skills, even when making a small scribble. He held up his rough draft of the car so that Deidara could behold its glory. "When the men, no, ARTISTS made them, they made timeless classics. Everlasting beauty, which is true art."

"EEHH." Deidara beeped like he was a buzzer when someone gave an incorrect answer, letting his emotions get the better of him. "I like racecars un, they go fast and sometimes go, PEWGUH-EE-SPLODY!" He yelled raising his tiny arms and making more aggressive explosion noises. "When the fancy racecars go boom! That's the art, un!"

Sasori's face went a little blank, but really, what else did expect from the biggest-little moron he had ever met. That really isn't fair though since children generally aren't the most intelligent things. Deidara was like a puppy, kitten, or perhaps maybe a chimp? No, puppy seemed most accurate. Loud, helpless, stupid and bound to get into trouble. Yeah, that really sounded like the little blond.

"So you think explosions are art?" He finally asked after mustering up the guts to delve into what he assumed would be a sensitive subject for the child. Everything was a sensitive subject. One wrong move and Sasori could be dealing with a sobbing mess and a heinous report from a grade one teacher over outlandish behaviour.

Homestly, it was times like these Sasori really wondered if starting Deidara in school early was really worth it.

"Not just the idea of explodies, but I don't think art should be nenernal, un. Enjoyed by the few not the many, ya get?"

Sasori vaguely listened to the boy spit out his word garbage. "The word I used was eternal, and - "

He froze mid sentence and closed his mouth. Taking a moment, he carefully about the words he did manage to hear. So the boy was into ephemeral art? That wasn't anything too outlandish nor was it preposterous. Ice sculptures, special made fancy-cakes and flower art never lasted, but explosions? Ha! The child sure had a weird and wrong opinion on art as it wasn't true art.

Snorting in a condescending way, Sasori flicked the hair that was dangling in his face away. "Yeah, okaaay. Whatever you saaay." He chanted in a snarky manner.

Deidara just smiled, accepted it as a 'good work, lets carry on' and went to add the final touches to his picture. Oh and by the way, it was looking FA-BU-LOUS. He beamed as he added the last pencil marks. This was the most incredible lion he had ever drawn! Fridge material for sure!

Watching Deidara smiling away as he worked, Sasori sighed contently. He had handled today like a pro! He deserved to treat himself for not making the boy cry, and not the other way where you treat the well behaved child.

"Danna Danna! Look at my picture! It's the best I've ever done! I'm so great, un!" Deidara yelled so excitedly as he showed off his picture, radiating with pride.

Smacking his lips as he looked at the lion. Yes, Sasori could tell it was a lion. Was it the best lion ever? No. Was it probably the best picture the blond had ever produced? Yes. It certainly was good for a five year old, he had to admit that. Just a few things were off. It only needed a few tweaks to make it look even better.

"Here, let me look at it for a moment." Sasori said while smiling as he yanked the paper out of the boys little hands. "If you make this darker, colour over this, erase that, make this neater, erase whatever THAT is, fix that and this... Now it's better!" And handed the picture back.

Deidara looked at the picture and then to Sasori, back and forth and back and forth. The second to last time he would look back at the older male, Sasori saw it. Not again! What had he done wrong this time? Deidara's lips curled down and a look of anger and pure sadness took over. Crying came too of course. Plenty of crying.

The worst thing was, Sasori again, had no idea what set the boy off! He had only taken the child's artwork that he had been so proud of; and made it better by completely changing it! He could only wonder why that could make a young artist so angry as to bring him to tears...

"WHAT DID YOU DO!?" Deidara screamed ripping the picture into pieces "YOU RUINED MY ART!"

Oh. Duh.

Sasori stuttered and quickly raised his hands his defense. An actual bad call for the redhead since Deidara abruptly raised his own hands and gave him a good shove.

Now Sasori did fit at the little table yes, but he was still too big for it so his knees didn't quite fit under the it and his butt didn't fit one hundred percent on the chair. Not fitting very well, that tiny shove sent Sasori, the chair, the table and everything on it falling to the ground.

"Ouch! What the hell - " Sasori yelled before being pounded with a barrage of itty-bitty fists and an earful of incomprehensible mad baby babble.

"You wecked it!" He screamed taking a breather from all the hitting. "I hate you! I'm wunning away!"

And he did indeed wun away.

Sasori sat there in shock before it finally hit him. "Oh... he really does waddle when he runs..."

Snapping out of it, he closed his eyes, put his head down and listened quietly to the sad little whine that was coming from Deidara ring from room to room. What the heck was that kid doing?

Getting up Sasori followed the noise to see Deidara running in circles in the bathroom while crying sadly. The boy caught sight of the redhead and ran right past him to the next room. Puzzled, Sasori followed him to that one too.

After this happened a few times from room to room to room, Sasori finally decided to ask what was up. "Deidara, what exactly are you doing?"

"Wunning away-e-yay!" He cried doing one more sad lap around the room before moving onto the next one.

Narrowing his eyes and following the child, Sasori then asked, "This is what running away is to you?"

"Unnn!"

Now that he thought about it, back when Deidara ran outside naked, he 'ran away' then too. However afterwards he had been severely punished for that mishap. There was a good chance he didn't want to get into trouble again and this was the closest in avoiding a tough scolding.

"Well," Sasori sighed. "when you're done running away, I'll be sitting on the couch waiting to discuss how we can fix the problem and how we can be friends again."

Deidara sniffled and looked at the man who sounded so sincere to make things better... He was on a mission though. One, two, three and he was off again trotting around the house with a pathetic wail and his little arms flopping around.

He certainly didn't stop anytime soon.

Sasori quietly sat on the couch and read while the boy ran and ran. Really he was getting a little fed up with the childish behaviour. But come on now, Sasori isn't that stupid. This was something that needed to be waited out. When Deidara was ready to talk about it, then they would talk. There would be no rushing things since the real risk was an even more miserable boy.

Miserable little boy meant miserable big boy.

"Unnmm."

Sasori glanced up from his book to see the boy dancing in one spot nervously in the middle of the room watching him. However once they made eye contact, Deidara went back to running around the room once again. It was like he had started with a good plan and now just didn't know what to do to end it.

Putting the book down and moving a pillow that was beside him further away so there was a space next to him, Sasori began patting the now empty spot hoping the loud thumps would encourage him to come over.

It turned to be a good plan on his part. Deidara came to a slow stop and he looked at the area all cozy next to his Danna. He had been doing a lot of running... Maybe it was time to stop. Grabbing the bottom of his shirt, he pulled it up and put it in his mouth and chewed it nervously. Slowly and cautiously he made his way over to the spot on the couch. Sasori didn't touch him but rather let him climb up on his own.

"How are you feeling?" Sasori asked putting the book down and making a gesture to show the boy he was giving him his full attention.

Deidara puffed his cheeks and continued to chew his shirt. "Un. I'm not happy." He muttered putting his hand on his exposed belly.

Nodding, Sasori could see the boy was still upset. Still, he needed to know exactly what he had done wrong. Face it. Sasori isn't as smart as he likes to think. "Why are you not happy? What did I do wrong?" He asked bending over a bit to get on the child's level.

Frowning, Deidara was taken aback by his great Danna still not understanding. "You wuined my art!"

"Ruined?" Sasori scoffed a little more rudely than he would have liked. "I simply made it better."

Deidara sent him a small glare and crinkled his nose. "I liked it the way it looked. It's was abstract 'n you had to go in and make it a mixture of cartoon and wealism, un." He hissed. "You made it uggy."

Sasori raised his eyebrows in shock. Deidara really knew what he was talking about. Maybe he really was artistically talented... Not with REAL art, but the child knew what he wanted in his artwork and Sasori did in fact go in and change it. "You're absolutely correct Deidara." He sighed dropping his head in an apologetic manner.

"Pbft! I know I am."

Propping his head back up Sasori sent Deidara an unimpressed look for his sassy attitude. Where the heck did the sweet little dumb-wad go and where did this miniature asshole come from? Well, as Sasori grumbled at the disrespect, he actually began to understand why this had made him so angry. As an artist himself, he too would have been angry, if not furious, if someone were to modify his art without consent.

"Y'know, I should be able to destroy one of your arts, un." Deidara suggested folding his arms and sending Sasori a look that this was a non negotiable situation. "Yetrobution."

"Retribution? Alright then."

Deidara's ears perked up at the older mans clear agreement to what he wanted. Not even an attempt to try and negotiate? A hiss? A groan? Who in the world was this man!

Really, the only thing on Sasori's mind was that he hoped that he could pick the artwork. He had plenty of unfinished, broken or forgotten work that he didn't particularly mind parting with. "I'll go get one and you can ruin it any way you want." Sasori said getting up.

"Un!" Deidara wiped at his drying eyes from the last remnants of tears. "It needs to be one you really really really like!"

"Okay, okay."

Sasori came back out of his room with a medium-small broken puppet. While he was in the room he dressed it in what looked like a potato sack and handed it to Deidara. "I'm really sad to see this one go, I've had him for so long and he's just so - so special!" He choked up while explaining the marionette to the blond.

Deidara looked at the puppet and cringed a little, no, a lot. This thing was the stupidest looking thing he'd ever seen! This? Art!? No way! He had seen his Danna's art before and there was nooo way that this was something he would be proud of.

"This isn't your best! You don't like this! It's even broken!" he yelled swinging the disjointed arm. "This sucks!"

Now Sasori was getting fed up with this bad attitude that Deidara had quickly developed. They had to get even so it would go away, NOW. "Be careful with it! You don't understand what this piece means!" He cried dramatically as if the doll was special.

"This poopy looking thing means something, un?"

Sasori rolled his eyes. It may be broken, but to call his art 'poopy'? Rude as hell. "Of course!" He spoke up cramming any frustrated feelings down. "It stands for, uh, longevity! Persistence, eternity, pain and suffering!"

"I would suffer too if I were this uggy."

Scoffing, Sasori ran to the kitchen and grabbed a long reach lighter out of a high, Deidara-proof (locked) cupboard. "How about we go set this on fire in the driveway?" He suggested waving the lighter around, finding it amusing that Deidara became so engrossed with it that he couldn't keep his wide eyes off of it.

"Yeah! Fire! Burn! Yeah! Un!"

Getting on their coats and shoes, they both headed outside. While Deidara waited, Sasori put down a rusty piece a scrap metal that looked like it belonged in a car tire and put the puppet, along with some newsprint, inside.

"I'm outside in my jammies..." Deidara muttered excitedly as he watched his Danna set the whole thing up.

Rollin his eyes and squatting down, Sasori went to light it. However, before he could do it, Deidara ran foreword and lunged at him knocking him over. "I do it! I wanna weck your art!"

Hissing, he got up again and scooted back a bit, returning to his squatted position. Grabbing the boy, he put Deidara's puny frame between his legs as he helped him light the puppet. It quickly all caught a blue flame due to a coat of flammable varnish on it.

"Wooh! Look at it burn! Die uggy die!"

"It's not uggy..." Sasori mumbled, tightening his grip on Deidara since he was absolutely positive that if he let go, the boy would do something stupid. Sasori would say, don't touch the fire! What would Deidara do? Probably touch the fire that's what.

Watching the flame begin to die, Sasori got up leaving Deidara to watch the hot ashes. When he came back, he doused the aches cool with a bucket of water. "So now that we're even, I won't ruin your art and you won't touch mine." He said scooping Deidara up and taking him inside.

Deidara at first was okay with the deal but quickly became more and more confused with every time he repeated it in his head. "Why touch for me, un?" He finally asked as he was put down indoors and began take off his shoes.

Sasori rolled his eyes. "Because if I say ruin, you'd still find a way to wreck it even by accident."

"No I won't!" Deidara gasped ripping off his second shoe and throwing it at the wall making a loud thump.

"Don't you argue with me and don't throw your shoes."

"Un, okay."

Sasori looked down at Deidara and furrowed his eyebrows at the boys quick change from angry and rude, back to sweet and goofy. "Deidara."

"Yes Dannaaa?"

Bending over he picked Deidara back up and propped him up on his hip. He looked him the eyes before smiling and giving the child a gentle hug. "I like you much better when you're happy. Whenever you feel upset, let's talk about it, okay?" He said rubbing his thumb on Deidara's fat cheek. This moment he felt like he had really bonded with the child. All he needed was one of the boys sweet reassuring words to finish it off.

On the other end, things were a little... Different. Deidara's eyes went wide. All these recent hugs... He never ever got nice hugs from his Danna on his own accord! All this touching and sweet talk!? Immediately he began pushing and shoving at Sasori to the point where he had no option but to put the boy down.

"Who are you, un!" Deidara shrieked running around the kitchen in cirlcles, waving his arms in a panic. "Danna help! Pony! Imposert! Imposert!"

"It's IMPOSTER and I'M your Danna!" Sasori yelled slowly following the circles. When he got close enough, he raised a foot nd gave the blond's butt a kick. He was honestly a little offended that he would be called a phony for being nice. Even calling for help? Rude!

Looking back, Deidara gave the man a face that screamed insecurity. "Name four things about me!" He demanded standing against one end of the cupboards.

Clever kid.

Raising a hand he started counting down four things on his fingers so the child could get a visual aid. "You've attempted to flush a toy down the toilet, you're a grade ahead because you're apparently smart, you like birds and even dressed up as a chick for Halloween."

Gasping, Deidara raised a hand in objection. "Nuh huh! I dressed as a duck!.

"No, you got a ducky towel from Konan. Halloween you dressed as a chick and quacked by mistake."

"Oh..."

"Yes, you also got lost in the park and got to hang out with a female idol group. In fact, you've also embarrassed me numerous times on different occasions," Now Sasori was getting angry again. "which frankly I'm still mad about and might need some retribution of my own so -"

"Can we have paaancakes for dinner? We haven't had pancakes for dinner, un. Yeah! Let's do that!"

Sasori pinched the bridge of his nose before taking the palm of his hand and smashing it against his head repeatedly. He wasn't too fond of the quick change in topics since it could have been an attempt of a cruel way to dodge giving the redhead his payback. Or it was just Deidara being dumb.

"Yeah sure, let's have pancakes..." He sighed crouching down near a small bookshelf consisting of cookbooks. The more he thought about the cakes, the more he wanted them.

"Let's make a bunch so I can sleep with the leftovers, un!" Deidara yelled as he ran over andhopped on Sasori's back.

"For making my life difficult, let's NOT do that."

"Can I at least sleep with the syrup bottle?" Deidara asked now chewing on the redheads back and shirt, leaving a big, wet drool patch.

Cringing at the on-pour of drool, Sasori wasted no time in knocking Deidara off his back. Once he turned completely to give the boy an unimpressed look, it quickly changed to a smirk. Grabbing the boy, he tossed him into his lap and gently jabbed his fingers in the blond's sides sending him into a fit of giggles. "I don't know about that. Would you drink the syrup out of the bottle in the middle of the night and then in the morning the bottle is empty?"

Laughing louder and louder, Deidara hid behind his hands as if he thought his Danna could no longer see him. "I dunno~! Maaaybe~"

"Then no." Sasori said flopping the boy back around, ceasing the tickles.

"You're no fun!" Deidara half whined and half giggled like he was okay with it. "Oh! You must be my Danna!"

"This again?" Sasori hissed bitterly flipping through the cookbook, done with being nice or fun. "You didn't get that from me knowing more than four things about you?"

Deidara gasped, "You knew more that four things about me!?" He spoke gleefully pushing his cheeks together to make a funny face.

"D-do you even listen!?"

"Mm, I'm gonna go play now. Call me when it's time to make the pancakes, un!"

Sasori sat there with the cookbook in shock for a moment. When he shook off his shock he sighed and ran his hands through his red hair. Really, Deidara was a huge pain in the ass, but he would for sure rather have a happy Dei over an angry Dei, Right?

"His little fists really hurt..."

Right.

* * *

did u kno: sasori is a manbaby who secretly loves babydei. shhh

yes wenus, they are both terribru


	25. Bum monster

"Stop pinching my ass!"

Deidara looked up at the man who had finally snapped in anger at him and gave him large smile in return.

This was hilarious.

Well, not for Sasori it wasn't. If anyone was going to pinch his behind it had better be a cute flirty girl! Certainly not some little brat with razor sharp fingernails.

Where had he even learned this awful habit from in the first place? If you could even call it a habit since it was more like a game to the boy. It started off as little pats here and there. Then quickly turned into pinching, harsh slaps and even shoves!

What was with all the butt touching!?

"I'm the bum monster, un!" Deidara growled happily as he threw himself at his Danna's legs. "Gonna get your bum, get your bum!" And with that his hand snuck around his Danna's hips, more then happy to give the rump a good squeeze.

Crinkling his face in distaste at both the boys face of pleasure at his suffering and the complete disregard for what he just said, Sasori sighed, turned around and got back to cutting up vegetables for the nights dinner. He would have to really talk to the boy later on tonight since he was busy at the moment. All he could do for now was just hoped that the boy would keep his hands to himself when his guests came over.

Guests? Yes! It was going to be a little more special than the usual dinner for two. Konan and her boyfriend, both friends of his, were coming over so he thought he'd cook up something tasty. Certainly not the usual trash he made since he was often too lazy or too tired to cook anything else.

That was one good things he learned from the tiring job of Deidara-care. Cooking. A lot of it. While the child was indeed quite fond of the previously stated quick meals and other garbage, there were other times he was a picky little shit where the food would go anywhere but his mouth. Which was a tad weird because everything that was not food always went in his mouth if he wasn't being watched very carefully.

By the way, some places that were anywhere but his mouth are; nose, ears, floor, Danna, belly button and smeared on the underside of the table. Basically where you would think food doesn't go, it goes.

"Mmm! Dinner smells good, Danna!" Deidara complimented happily and as if he wasn't currently pounding his hand on Sasori's left butt cheek. "When is Konan coming over so we can play-ay, un?"

"She's not coming to play with you." Sasori grumbled wiggling his hips in an awkward way, hoping Deidara would get the message to leave his ass alone. "However I do have a hunch that she will anyway."

Plunging his hand into his mouth, Deidara swayed side to side. "An she's bringin a friend, right?" He asked a little muffled from chewing a finger, cautiously touching a certain tooth in particular.

Sasori switched away from working with vegetables, grabbed a piece of meat out of it's package and put it on the cutting board. "Yep, his name is Yahiko, but we call him Pain." He muttered as he focused on molding the meat into patties.

Deidara furrowed his eyebrows as he momentarily halted the bum touching. "Pain like the hurty?" He asked, incredibly confused as to why someone would want to be called that.

"Uh-huh." Sasori answered placing the the meat patties into a pan to cook. "And do you know what else is a Pain?" He asked turning around holding his arms up being careful not to touch anything with raw meat hands.

"Fire?"

"Yes that." Sasori agreed with the boys opinion on fire being a pain as he washed his hands throughly. "But pinching and hitting my ass is also a pain so you had better stop right now!" He hissed while he quickly turned around to flick the excess water on his hands in the blond face.

"Agh! Watery! I'm meltin, un!" Deidara gurgled as he slowly melted to the floor to lie there, pretending to play dead.

Sasori dried the rest of his hands in a tea towel and shook his head at the pile of melted boy that remained on the floor. Raising a spatula momentarily, he then lowered it and pointed it downward at the deceased child. "Good. The little brat is nothing more than a mushy mess."

"Mushy-ushy mess..." Deidara whispered as soon as his Danna turned around to give the cooking patty a quick flip. Rolling onto his back to look back up at his Danna, he blew a spit bubble and smiled up at him.

Glancing back to see the excessive drool pooling around the child's mouth, Sasori stuck his tongue out at Deidara in retaliation, making him laugh. Then using his foot to push the boy closer to the kitchen table, moving him so he would be out of the way while he continued to cook.

The last thing he needed was to trip on the gross pile of baby mush.

Deidara was more that okay beinh moved. He simply enjoyed the shove as he slid across the floor, even going as far as to ask to be kicked again.

Checking on the food one last time, Sasori poured the sauce over the partially cooked meat and turned it down to a lower setting so it could finish cooking. Now that was done he started to set the table in preparation for his guests. Goodness gracious, he felt like such an adult hosting this small dinner gathering.

"Deidara, care to help set the table?" He asked putting three large plates and one smaller plastic plate, with a dinosaur on it, onto the table.

"Me help! Me help!" Deidara squealed, hopping up off the floor. As he got up, he didn't miss his chance at grabbing Sasori's bum as he was bent over placing the silverware on the far end of the table.

"Konan is gonna sit besides me, un!" He yelled putting the plates in their places, making sure his Danna understood that he was going to sit beside her no matter what. No ifs, ands, or buts. Konan was his seat buddy for the evening.

Sasori groaned at the pinch but did a better job at ignoring it this time. He really didn't need Deidara telling Konan that he was being mean. She was a nice and highly attractive woman, but she had one hell of a punch that he could really live without ever feeling again.

"I wonder if she lifts weights..." Sasori muttered under his breath before chuckling to himself. "Yeah right, I bet the only thing she lifts are shopping bags."

"What'cha say, Danna?"

Sasori swore under his breath again as he remembered the child was in the room. He bit his lip as he realized that he really needed to do a better job at keeping his sexist remarks to himself. Suddenly and luckily for the redhead, the sound of a vehicle caught the boy's attention.

"Car! Car! I hear a car, un!" Deidara squealed in delight as he ran out of the kitchen and into the adjoining living room to look out the front window. "Car! Car! I see Konan in the car!"

Sasori rolled his eyes at Deidara's puppy-like behaviour and followed him to look out the window. He made sure to wave as he made eye contact with Konan and her boyfriend.

"She's holdin somethin! It looks like cake!" Deidara yelled as he shook Sasori's excitedly. "She brought cake! Konan has ca-aake! She's the best, un!" And with that he got up and ran to the back door that lead into the kitchen where he knew the wonderful woman would be entering.

"Deidara!" She cheered as the door was flung open and she saw her little lovebug standing there and dancing in his place from being so so super duper excited.

"Cake, un!" Deidara yelled back at her with his eyes glued on the glass dish that was indeed holding a cake.

Konan laughed at his instant reaction to the treat in her hands. "I brought chocolate cake!~" She spoke in a baby voice bringing it down so the child could get a better look.

"Yeah, I seended! Konan's the best!" Deidara cheered as he lunged at her leg.

It was good for her that Sasori showed up to swipe the cake from her so she wouldn't topple over at the sudden love attack.

"Kissies!" Deidara demanded immediately after being picked up. He puckered up his tiny lips so he could he could get a little sugar from his favorite gal pal.

"Kissies?"

Suddenly the tender hugs and the soon-to-be sweet kiss was brought to a crashing halt as someone came up from behind Konan. Deidara looked over at the stranger and instantly looked in the other direction where he thankfully saw his Danna standing very close, and now empty handed. Quickly he dove from Konan's arms into Sasori's arms, climbing up to shove his face into his neck.

The stranger was dressed well, exactly as if he were going to a dinner party. However what really stood out was that the man had chunks of metal in his face! A lot of it, too! His eyes were cold and in a tough glare, almost as if he wasn't happy to be seeing what he was seeing. Which was only a whole lotta sweet lovin.

All in all, this new guy was totally scary!

"Hey Pain." Sasori greeted his friend as he shuffled the small boy around in his arms so he could shake his guest's hand.

It was then Deidara realized he made a grave mistake in leaving Konan's strong arms. Like honestly, out of the two adults in his life, who was going to do a better job protecting him? Weak little Danna or big strong Warrior Princess Konan?

The new guy named Pain remade eye contact with Deidara as he peeked up from his Danna's neck. Raising his eyebrows at the awkward little boy, he poked the kids arm and scoffed. "Who do you think you are trying to kiss another guy's girlfriend?"

"Un?" Deidara grunted peeking out a little more before hiding his face again.

Pain poked the boy again, a little harsher this time, as he stepped closer. "Is that what you do? Act cute and then run and hide when you realize the girl has a boyfriend?"

"Boyfwend?" Deidara asked confused since he had never heard the words 'boy' and 'friend' used like that. Same as Girlfriend! Weren't people just friends? Friend-friends?

"Yeah, I'm her boyfriend and you should really stop hitting on my lady." He sneered leaning in and getting too close for Deidara's comfort. "Or you'll be sorry, buddy."

Why wasn't anyone saving him! Danna and Konan looked like this was humorous to them! This wasn't funny at all. No, no! He sorta expected his behaviour from his Danna, certainly not from his dear Warrior Princess.

This big, scary, new guy was going to beat him up for being friends with Konan. He didn't want to be beat up! He just wanted to play, he just wanted to be held, he just wanted to -

"Uuuuuuuh." Deidara broke down as the sad little whine rippled up from his throat. Tears immediately pooled in his eyes and he quickly crammed his fist into his mouth. Then it happened. The loud ear shattering scream of pure distress as the gloppy tears burst from their happy home in his eyes and poured down his fat cheeks.

If no one was going to help him ward off this creep, he would have to do it himself in the only way he knew how...

"WAHHH!"

...By crying.

"Oh shit! He's really, really crying!" Pain yelped as he jumped back waving his arms. "I was just teasing! Teasing! You can play with and kiss my Girlfriend, it's okay, kiddo!"

Too bad that didn't help. The screaming didn't stop, didn't let up, not even a teeny tiny bit.

"Wow Pain, way to be a jackass." Sasori hissed moving the little guy in his arms so that he was in a tight bear hug, his face lodged firmly in his neck.

Rocking him back and forth as he swaddled Deidara, he made sure to leave the room so the boy could calm down. Besides, having Deidara be around the guy who just made him scream and cry didn't seem like the most logical idea at the moment. Not to mention that by now, Sasori had a general understanding how to care for the finicky boy.

"Jeeze, what's up with that kid - ouch!" Pain yelled in pain as he jumped in his place holding his crushed foot.

"That was so mean!" Konan hissed jabbing her finger into her boyfriend's stomach. "You better go see my lovebug when he's done crying and apologize for bullying him!"

"Y'know, you laughed!" He yelled in defense but only received another hit.

Rolling his eyes, Pain kicked his shoes off and made his way through the kitchen and down the hallway, following the sounds of the wee little sobs. Peeking into a room he spotted Sasori relaxing on a kiddie bed with Deidara firmly latched onto him.

"Wow man, you weren't joking when you said you did everything for the kid." Pain mentioned walking into the room that obviously belonged to the child. He looked at two a little better and marveled at how fast Sasori had turned on his responsible adult mode. It was a big difference from the asshole-creep he knew from school.

On the other end of the room, hearing the mans voice Deidara's head jerked up and at the sight of the man he began to cry louder once again. "Un~ Danna!" He whimpered clinging on tighter as Sasori sat up.

The last thing he wanted was to lose grip on the guy who was going to protect him from this mean and stinky stranger.

"Hey... Buddy..." Pain mumbled sitting on the end edge of the bed since if he were to sit closer he would be sitting on the safety railing that prevented Deidara from rolling out.

Deidara whined as he was forcefully pulled away and turned around so he could face the guest in his bedroom. "Un." He grunted sadly as he was held by Sasori so tightly that he couldn't hide anymore.

"I uh, was just teasing you about being close with Konan." Pain sighed rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't mind you being friends at her, I'm sorry for... Hurting your feelings?"

"You vewy scawy, un." Deidara stated in a grumpy manner, lip sticking out even further as he rubbed his drippy nose with the sleeve of his shirt.

Sasori snorted at his friend being called scary and pushed past him as he got up off the end bed, leaving Deidara behind much to his displeasure. "You got snot on your shirt Dei, that's so gross." He mumbled grabbing a new shirt from one of the drawers. "Arms up!" He then commanded as he came back to yank off the dirtied shirt.

While getting his shirt changed, Deidara eyed up the man sitting uncomfortably on his bed and fiddle with his naked belly. "I assept your apolgy." He finally said popping his head through the clean shirt that was being put on him. "You shouldn't treat Konan like your poperty though, that's really mean, un."

Pain blinked a few times. "Huh?"

Deidara sighed. "She's a human. Not a doggy or kitty or a birdie or a toyah."

Scoffing at this crap, Pain narrowed his eyes in disbelief. "What the heck - "

"Oh you sweet little BABY!" Konan cried running in from the doorway, pushing her boyfriend out of the way and swooping up her lovebug up into her arms. Pressing little kisses on his cheek she hugged him tight. "You know just what a girl likes to hear!" She swooned, getting her fingers up his shirt to lightly pinch his stomach.

With that she turned her head and gave his boyfriend a nasty glare that said more than words ever could. The look spoke as if he was absolutely going to lose some 'special' privileges. No discussions about it.

Pain watched in shock as he was made to look bad in front of his girl. "Sasori what the heck just happened!?" He asked his friend, hopping up and giving him a shove in disbelief that this had just happened. "This brat just turned my lady against me!"

"Yeah..." Sasori chuckled sadly throwing the soiled shirt into the laundry basket located in the corner of the room. "It's his superpower to make women hate you."

"Oh! By the way Sasori," Konan spoke up still bouncing the blond on her hip. "I checked on the food and I think it might be done."

Sasori thanked her, grabbed a tissue off the dresser and walked over to wipe Deidara's nose. "Blow!" He commanded repeatedly until the boy finally did as he was told. "Good boy. Use tissues, not sleeves."

"Mm! I smell nummies, un!" The blond cheered, wiggling back and forth being excited he could once again smell now that his nose was clear.

"Well then, let's go eat the yummy nummies." Konan giggled taking the boy out of the room with him still in her arms.

As they sat around the table, Konan continued to coo as she watched Deidara eat. "He's so cute when he's eating." She spoke up, pursing her lips as he she used a napkin to wipe at his cute little face.

"Yeah he's cute because he's not talking." Sasori remarked taking a bite of his own meal. He was a little bitter no one was complimenting him on how cute he looked when he ate... And by the look on Pain's face, he was feeling the same.

"That was the best, Danna! I love hambugga steak, un."

"I'm glad you liked it." Sasori smiled taking away the empty dishes and putting them into the dishwasher. "Konan would you like to serve the cake?"

"Cake!?"

Konan laughed at the boys reaction. it was almost as if he forgot all about the treat. She patted his head as she stood up and got a few smaller plates from the cupboard -

"Me help! Me help!" Deidara yelled climbing down from his chair to help her set the table.

"Thank you shweetie!" She said in her powerful babyvoice. Handing the boy some silverware, she carried the plates, knife and the cake to the table to cut. As she finished, she spotted Deidara leaning over the table to hand Pain, who was siting at the far end, his fork.

"The bum monster got your bum!" She giggled giving the little tushie a pinch.

Deidara squealed in delight and his bottom was tickled. "My bum! My bum!"

"I'm gonna get your bum, get your bum!" She continued giving it a few more pinches, as well as a few kisses in the crook of his neck causing him to burst into a riot of giggles.

The love between the two was stopped again for the second time that day.

"Did you just...pinch his bum..." Sasori spoke darkly, his fringe dipping down into his eyes. "And say you're the bum monster?"

She froze still holding Deidara in her clutches and looked towards the angry sounding redhead. "Uh, yeah?"

A vein popped on his head.

"YOU'RE THE REASON HE KEEPS GRABBING MY ASS." He accused throwing a hand towel that he had been using at her head.

Not being able to get mad at getting the chunk of cloth being thrown at her since it was indeed her doing. She instead focused on, and laughed at the idea of Deidara being the bum monster going after the prudish-Sasori's butt. It was quite obvious the boy had gone a little overboard with the pinching if he were to make Sasori have a bit of a crazy look in his eyes.

"I'm the bum monster." Deidara snickered looking over and making eye contact with Pain who had already started serving himself a slice of cake. "Rah!"

It was all of a sudden very clear to Pain who ran the house now. Sighing, he could both respect that and feel a bit bad for his friend. "Rah." He spoke back nodding like he were agreeing with the boy. Moving the slice of cake he got for himself, he slid it over to the small blond. "Rah..."

Yeah, who ran the house anyway?

* * *

konan is into the babybum pinching, gasp. a special part two, will come tomorrow or something. it will be quite short.


	26. How to take down the bum monster

Getting off the couch, Sasori stepped on something soft. Glancing down he sighed. Using his foot he picked Bard up off the floor and frowned as the bird was in the living room without his partner.

"Deidara?" Sasori called, looking around for the boy who must have run off during pre-bed cartoons.

Immediately he received the holler from down the hallway, "Bushin my teef, un!"

That was an acceptable response. It was time for little boys to go to bed and teeth needed to be cleaned. Walking to the bathroom, Sasori frowned at the sight of the boy not brushing. His toothbrush was sorta foamy, yes, however swirled in the foam were still large chunks of pink bubblegum toothpaste.

"That's not brushing." Sasori remarked, crinkling his nose. "What exactly are you doing?"

Deidara was instead carefully touching his teeth, actually a tooth in particular. It was kind of hurting, but he didn't want to complain since his Danna would probably take him to the Dentist and ain't nobody want to go there... He heard stuff about dentists making jewelry out of children's teeth!

As he looked at the tooth once more he frowned. He was a little worried since he could have sworn he saw the tooth move. In fact if he pressed hard enough it kinda...wiggled...

"Mm, nothin." Deidara mumbled picking the small green brush back up and getting back to work.

Not having a real care for what Deidara was doing, Sasori shrugged it off. "Dei, when you're done I want to talk to you about earlier today." He mentioned, dropping Bard in the floor nearby where the child could grab him.

Heaven forbid the ugly thing go missing.

"Uh, Okay...macaroni..." Deidara mumbled not really paying attention to the redhead or to what he was saying. All he could think about was why he needed a talking. A lot of things he did could have been considered bad. However, what one in particular was his Danna going to fixate on?

More importantly: was he going to get in trouble?

Finishing up, Deidara grabbed Bard off the bathroom floor and walked into his bedroom. Lifting his yellow birdie shirt to scratch at his belly, he yawned as his foots steps gradually got heavier. Perhaps if he acted very sleepy, Danna would let him to to bed in peace.

The super sleepy act was immediately dropped the moment he walked into the room. Looking at his Danna he grinned at the sight of the man in the process of folding his clean laundry. Unfortunately for the five year old, just as he went to attack the neatly folded pile, he received a harsh command.

"BED."

Stumbling to the floor from being startled, Deidara laughed as he got up and climbed up into his cozy bed. "So Danna, whatcha wanna talk about, un?" He asked, waiting patiently for the redhead to come do mandatory tuck in time.

If he was in trouble there was a good chance of no stories. How sad.

Taking his time in putting away the last pile of clothes Sasori finally stood up and made his way over to the small bed.

"I want to talk about your behaviour earlier this evening." He started as he pressed a button that would lower the safety rail so he could climb comfortably into the bed with the boy.

"Huh?" Deidara grunted genuinely confused. Earlier this evening? Why, earlier he was a delight! What his Danna should be doing is climbing into bed with that meanie-pants Pain and give him a good tough talking to!

"What did I do?" He asked pursing his lips.

Sasori open and closed his eyes slowly. "Earlier today when you were touching my... Behind. Well you see, I asked you to stop, yes?"

Deidara looked away as he recalled his disobedience. So THAT was what his Danna was going to fixate on. "U-un."

Carefully wrapping an arm around the child, Sasori pulled him close. "Well when you hit me and don't listen to me when I ask you to stop, do you know how that makes me feel?" He asked sitting up and angling his body so he was on top of the boys hand.

"...No good?"

"No good."

Deidara squirmed as he realized his hand now was oddly underneath his Danna's...bum... What kind of lesson what this! Danna says don't touch my bum and then makes him touch the bum himself. Very fishy...

"Deidara do you know what bums do?" Sasori asked holding the boy firmly in place in case he tried to move.

"Um, bums make poopies?" He asked as if he wasn't sure of his response, even squirming a bit in the grip, getting more and more confused with each second.

"That's correct! What else?"

Deidara furrowed his brows. Where was the man going with all this forbidden potty talk?

"Bums go foofoos?"

"Why yes, yes they do!" Sasori spoke a little too happy as his grip got even tighter.

"What are ya - " Deidara started but abruptly halted as a loud noise filled the room. "YOU FOOFOO'D ON MY HAND!"

Sasori reached foreword, grabbed the child's face and gave him a big goodnight kiss on the forehead. All just before he got up, shoving him onto the bed in the process. "Haha! You're now the Fart-Boy!" He sneered, raising the safety railing back up.

Deidara got up on his knees and looked at his hand in utter disgust. "Fart-Boy!?"

Moving over to the wall Sasori turned on the little nightlight. "You touch my ass, I fart on your hand!" He yelled as he stood up, puffing out his chest proudly at the distraught look on Deidara's dumb face. "You liked touching my ass so much, now you got a treat, Fart-boy!"

"Nooooo!"

"And do you know what I'm going to do your hand the next time you touch my butt?" Sasori sneered as he walked to the door, hand placed on the light switch.

"What..."

Looking back and forth mischievously he let an even creepier smile curl up on his lips. "I'm gonna poop on it." Sasori snarled in a dramatic manner and he shut off the lights.

"NOOOOO!"

Closing the door halfway, Sasori took a few steps down the hallway before stopping and glancing back. "Nighty-night Deidara!" He called, even waiting to hear the kids pathetic response like a sadist.

"Uuuuuuu... Nigh-night, unnnn."

There are two children who live in the house. One child-child and one man-child. Out of the two, who really runs the house? Well, lets just say it's a struggle to stay at the top.

* * *

amkay wanted to see deidara be punished. this is how sasori generally punishes. boys are just really gross. the next day deidara was very chill about the foofoo. it never happened. deidara the fart-boy? what's that? ?


	27. Baby teeth

Sasori grabbed a yogurt out of the fridge as it was the last thing to put in the child's lunch. Looking at the tiny cup he frowned at the fact it was all about growing and bone development. Deidara had been eating these for months now, there was no development. The boy was still incredibly small compared to every other child his age.

In fact just the other day there was a two/three year old that was probably bigger than him!

"I hope he is at least getting strong bones from this stuff..." Grumbled Sasori before shuddering at the horrendous thought of the residential royal baby breaking a wee precious baby bone.

He could practically hear the, "off with his head!"

Closing the lunch kit, he put it in the little backpack along with a book that was used to practice reading skills. The bag was ready to go, he was ready to go, but was Deidara ready to go?

Putting the bag back down on the table, Sasori walked down the hallway to the bathroom where he could see light coming from. "Deidara-a it's time for - oh my gumdrops what the hello kitty do you think you're doing and why is it being done naked."

It was a sight for sore eyes. A rather concerning sight to be a little more exact. Deidara had somehow made his way onto the bathroom counter top, where he proceeded to sit there absolutely naked in the sink, poking at his teeth.

"...Oh, hi."

"Don't you 'oh hi' me!" Sasori scorned the child as crossed his arms. "You do not belong on the counter, nor the sink. How did you even get on the counter and why are you naked and not ready for school!?"

Too many questions were asked at once so turning a bit, Deidara pointed to his underpants that were left discarded by the toilet. That should at least answer one question that was asked. Yes, Sasori nodded his head as he figured that the child went to the bathroom and kicked them off without bothering to put them back on. How he got up there? Eh, I guess we'll never know.

The main thing was, there was something distracted that him in the first place. Something on the counter...or?

Huffing as he walked into the room, Sasori picked the little undies up with his foot, moved them to his hand and took them to the child still sitting on the counter. "Stand." He commanded in a less authoritative tone and more of a monotone way.

Deidara listened. Crab crawling out of the sink and onto the counter, he stood up to allow his Danna to slip the undergarments back on him so he could have at least one article of clothing on. He still didn't pay much attention to the redhead as he used a hand to hold himself steady as he got closer to the mirror. On his other hand, his finger was still touching not teeth, but just one tooth.

"What exactly are you doing, Dei?" Sasori asked leaning into to the mirror as well to get a better look without having to grab the boys face to have him look at back at him.

"My toof is actin funny, un." Deidara mumbled glancing at his Danna's reflection in the mirror.

Nodding as if he completely understood, Sasori leaned a bit more onto the counter, ready to fish out a further explanation. "Acting funny, huh?"

"Un."

"Just how does a tooth act funny?"

Deidara dropped his finger that was getting a little pruney and turned to give his Danna a look that was a mixture of sad and worry. "...It wigglin." He said , his voice wavering a little. "For a few days now... I think it might be boken, un."

Now Sasori was anything but sad. This was wonderful news! The little guy was going to lose his very first tooth!

"What! Why didn't you tell me you had a lose tooth?" Sasori spoke happily as he picked the boy up to take him to his room. As much as the boy was content on being in just his underwear, Sasori thought it was about time to put some clothing on.

Heck, school for little boys would be starting soon and you simply can't go in just your kitten underwear. Don't ask.

Frowning at being his his bedroom and not in the place where he could see his teeth, Deidara held up a leg to help his Danna put a pair of purple leggings on him. If it were up to the lad, there would be a no pants rule in the house. No shirt rule either. Unless he wanted to wear one. Then it would be okay. Just as long as Deidara got his way.

Deidara tip number seven in the guide book: Wearing clothes is just the worst.

"If I maybe tolded you, I thought you woulda taken me to the dantis." He sighed as he was being made to put pants on. He did like his purple leggings though. That was a good fashion choice on his Danna's part.

Sasori chuckled as he hoisted the rest of the pants up, the boy coming with them. "No, you don't need to go to the dentist for this, I can do it myself so open wide!" He asked, ready to investigate the terrible black hole that was Deidara's big mouth.

Nervously, he opened his mouth as wide as possible as his Danna took a look inside. "It kinda is hurty." He spoke awkwardly as his mouth was still open.

"You really should have told me then."

"B-but the denentas, unn!"

"Do you really not like the dentist?"

"I used to..." He started. "Until my big buddy, she told me that the dantos liked to collect kiddy teef!"

Sasori frowned at this. Whoever this big buddy girl was, she needed a good slap. Or at least a talking to. How dare she put all these scary things in his brats head! Worst of all now he knew when the time came to actually take the boy to the dentist, it would not be a something to look back on with fondness.

"Dentists don't collect teeth, your big buddy was just trying to scare you."

Deidara gasped at hearing that. "Well that's not very nice, un!"

"No, it's not." Sasori said using a bit of a baby voice, which he immediately regretted.

"Why does my toof wanna come out? Did I break it?"

Sasori frowned. "Has no one ever told you that you would be losing your baby teeth?"

Gasping again, Deidara covered his mouth. "Oh no! Not the babies, un!"

"Don't worry, they fall out because it means your adult teeth are coming in."

This in turn thrilled Deidara. "I'm becomin a adult!?" He shrieked kicking his feet excitedly, forcing Sasori to dodge the rapid little legs.

"I guess, but the process takes about nine or ten years." Sasori said, using his hand again to open Deidara's mouth to once more look at the little wiggly bottom tooth. Each time he wiggled it, it would get looser and looser. This turned out to be quite addictive, no wonder the boy lost track on time which is why they were now late for kiddy school.

"Ah, Dammit it's late!" Sasori muttered as he whipped out his phone to look at the time. There would soon be a concerned call home asking why Deidara wasn't in class, so Sasori thought he would beat them to it.

"Hello, school?" Sasori spoke into his phone leaving Deidara confused. He wasn't in trouble with the school, was he? "Yes. Deidara Iwa will be coming in around lunch time. He has his first loose tooth. Aha, yeah. Ok bye."

Putting the phone back in his pocket, Sasori smirked at the boy who had returned to touching his tooth. "Apparently your whole school knows about you being a big baby. They completely understood about you taking the morning off."

Deidara gasped as if he had been offended. Which in a way kinda had. "Notta baby!" He cried, puffing out his chest.

"Just to keep you up to date, you're not going to school until that tooth is out, you hear me?"

"Un, I taste coins."

Sasori cringed as he thought about Deidara knowing what coins tasted like. In the end he wasn't surprised when he considered all the junk that went in his mouth. Still, the bacteria! Bleh!

Touching the now bleeding tooth a few more times, an idea formed in his head. The tooth was pretty loose after his aggressive wiggling. Sasori smirked. There was one thing he would see in his cartoons when he himself as young where they would tie string to the tooth and to the doorknob.

Snickering he ran to the bathroom to get a piece of dental floss. "This is going to be so cool! Open wide and lets get rid of that tooth!"

"Why do I need to lose the toof now?" Deidara groaned, moving around nervously. "Why not tomorrow, un?"

"We both have class tomorrow and I want to be here to see it happen."

"But why?"

Sasori frowned, in all honesty he wanted to get it on video so he could send it to the boy's father. Also, if he didn't, both the dad and Konan would be in an uprising WHY he didn't. He could just imagine how receiving the video would brighten their days. He also just really wanted to yank it out - it was going to be so cool!

"Well uh, you want it gone soon because of...the...tooth fairy!"

"The who thooth!?

"Yes! The Tooth Fairy!"

"Who!?"

Sasori rolled his eyes. "The Tooth Fairy is a little person with wings who collects children's teeth - "

"Ya mean like the scary dinnertest but littler!?"

"No!" Sasori growled as he tied the other end of the string to the door. "The Tooth Fairy brings a gift in exchange for the old tooth."

"Gift!?"

"Yes... In exchange for the tooth."

"Let's get this toof outta here, un!"

Nodding, Sasori double checked the contraption of having the small boys tooth tied to the doorknob. It was a simple plan really, nothing too fancy. Tooth, string, door. Bam! The tooth is out.

Coming out of his planning, Sasori frowned as he thought about the payout for a tooth. He was given a quarter for each tooth, but he recalled his cousins getting a dollar! Hey, the last thing he wanted was Deidara going to school and telling all his classmates about how cheap the guy living with him was. Definitely a couple dollars for the first tooth, just to reassure the boy.

Getting more and more nervous, Deidara began to squirm as his tongue touched the tooth repeatedly. "Why do we have to do this? What even is this? Is this gonna hurt me?"

Sasori rolled his eyes at the questions and got out his phone, turning on the videocamera. "Well it's either this or my rusty pliers."

"Crusty what!"

"Pliers! They're a tool, clamps that would be used to yank that tooth out."

"Tool?" Deidara's eyes went wide as he covered his mouth in an attempt to protect it. "No-wuh! Not the players, nennything but that!"

"Alrighty, Dei..." He said holding the playing camera, foot stuck out ready to push the door closed. "Three, two, one!"

BAM.

Both boys were silent as the string was no longer attached to Deidara's mouth. Crawling forward, Sasori grabbed the end of the string and smiled at the sight of the tooth hanging from it.

"Look Dei, it's your tooth!" He exclaimed taking off the string and holding out the teeny tiny tooth so the boy could have a look.

And what a look!

In an instant Deidara burst into tears, bawling at the loss of his baby teeth. In another instant, Sasori quickly snapped an extra picture of the boy's unfortunate first reaction before scooping him up into his arms to calm him down. Rocking him back and forth, Sasori made sure to grab a tissue from a box he had brought over and placed it on the open wound.

"There, there. Hush, hush. No need to cry. You said you weren't a baby earlier, right?

"W-wight..."

"Babies don't need baby teeth."

"But I wove that toof!"

"And a new tooth will be peeking out to say hello in a few weeks. I hope you will be a good boy and love that tooth as much as you loved this one." Sasori sighed, wiping at the excess amount of tears with an extra tissue. "The new big kid tooth will be with you for the rest of your life.

"Forever?" Deidara asked for some reassurance, looking up with hopeful and wet eyes.

"Forever. Now let's take one more picture with you and the tooth, this time lets try to smile."

"Oki doki, Danna."

* * *

"Wow! My little Lovebug lost his first tooth!" Konan cheered as she gripped the boys chin to get a better look. "Oh Sasori~ Our little baby is growing up!"

Deidara gasped as her heard his sweet dame say this. "B-but I will aways be your baby wight?" He asked as he gripped up onto her wrist.

The woman tried her darnedest to hide her squeal but failed miserably. Instead she ended up producing a terrible noise in its place.

"Alright Deidara, time for bed." Sasori called, easing up the bed's safety guard. "Say thank you to Konan for coming over to congratulate you... Even though it's LATE and could have WAITED until the MORNING."

"Thanky-you Konan!"

"You're welcome lovebug!" Konan laughed as she ruffled his hair. "And I will thank your Danna for taking a video and pictures so that I could have a see!"

"Again, something that could have waited until the MORNING."

Konan huffed and turned her head away as she pouted. "If you didn't want me over you should have texted me the wonderful news!"

"I sent you that text twelve hours ago! Why didn't you show up twelve hours ago!"

"You people shhh so the toof fairy will come trade me my toof for a gift, un!" Deidara squealed as he climbed up into his bed, getting under the covers all ready to fall asleep. "Everyone leave so I can sleep!"

Planting a kiss on Deidara's forehead, Sasori then handed him Bard. "Yes, yes. Go to sleep now."

As the two adults returned the backdoor in the kitchen. Konan slowly got ready to leave. "You're not that mad that I showed up right?" She asked as she put on her coat.

Groaning, Sasori pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yes I'm mad. You could have waited for tomorrow!"

"Oh no, is Sasowi-Danna shweepy?"

Instead of answering that, he sent the girl a dirty look. Yes he was sleepy. He was always sleepy. Balancing university and a child was a lot of work!

He was practically the full time and overworked mommy and Konan was the sleaze bag dad that either never did chores, never showed up or the kind that never paid child support. She would still got the #1 dad at the end of the day too!

"You know what custom I miss that we had when we were young?" Konan asked slowly, drawling out each syllable to take her sweet time.

Hissing, Sasori opened the door and gestured to her. "No, and I don't care."

Sighing, Konan finished her thought anyway. "Offering your guest a beverage!"

"Go. Home."

"If this is how you treat a lady, it's no wonder why you're still single!"

"Go-o home!"

"You know what!" She said excitedly as she stood up, grabbing her purse. "I didn't kiss my precious Lovebug goodnight!"

Paling, Sasori sat at the kitchen table and dropped his head into his arms. He had class in the morning! It was time for bed and if she - "If he's asleep, please don't wake him!" He called in a hushed yell.

A cranky Deidara was not a pleasure in the morning.

Bouncing down the hall back to the kitchen and Sasori, she went to put her shoes on. "Lovebug must have been really tired, he fell asleep really fast!"

"He spent the day crying over that stupid tooth. Of course he's tired!" Sasori snapped like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Now now, just take this as you

now know he's fast asleep and you can give him some coins and hop to bed yourself."

"Yeah okay, bye."

"Just...make sure he doesn't put them in his mouth!" She added as she could just imagine those coins finding their way into Deidara's mouth an then baby belly. The last thing he swallowed was a car, right? She could only wonder how that turned out when it came out the other end.

The morning came with Sasori dragging himself out of bed. It was quarter passed six in the morning, it was passed the time for Deidara to come bouncing through the doors commanding the redhead watch cartoons with him.

"Wait. It's passed six and Deidara isn't here?" He grumbled as he rubbed his eyes. Getting up and putting on his house coat, Sasori wandered to the living room. He frowned at the sight of an empty couch. "Is he still asleep?"

Walking back down the hallway to the boys room, Sasori paled at the scene. There sat Deidara in his bed, munching on a king sized candy bar

"Lookie Danna! The Teef Fairy gave me," he held out two dollars in coins. "Money and," he held up the massive bar of chocolate that had three small bites taken out of it. "Candy! Lookie, lookie!"

"K-Konan..." Sasori stuttered as he recalled the woman just HAVING to be there around the child's bed time. How the last thing she did before she left was be alone in the boy's room.

"I'm going to tell everyone at school that I got money and super big candy bar for my baby toof, un!"

"KONAN!"

* * *

#1 dad award goes to scum bag dad, Konan. there u go guest, more konan. I'd like to point out the big candy bar is about the same size as babydeis forearm, if not bigger.


	28. Roommates

"Wubwubwub."

Sasori slowly began to wake up at the little noises. Wubbs and sniffles could be heard so he rolled over to investigate. Immediately he regretted acknowledging the boy that was tugging and whimpering so close to him. Now he had no choice but to ease the boy's little tears.

"What's wrong, why are you crying?" Sasori asked, pulling the blankets he had bundled around his face down so he could speak without sounding muffled.

Deidara stuffed four fingers into his mouth and chewed on them for some sort of security. "I hadda bad dweam."

Moving up into a lounging postion, Sasori looked over at the clock on his bedside table. He groaned in agony. It was two in the morning! Way too early for anything and everything. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked as he rubbed his eyes.

That was one thing his Grandma would do for him when he was little boy and would have nightmares. Talking it out always made him feel better, so perhaps it would help this little boy too.

Deidara nodded and climbed up into the bed with Sasori. This the redhead didn't appreciate, not one bit. He offered to talk, not snuggle the boy. What was he going to do, pick the kid up and put him back on the floor? Yes. Yes he was.

"This is my bed, talk to me from outside of it and then go back to your own." Sasori grumbled as he picked Deidara up, getting up himself to remove the child from his bed. Deidara didn't want any of this cold shoulder so as he was getting closer to the floor, he tucked his feet under. This move Sasori was never too fond of with children.

When he wanted to put you down; you went down!

It was getting a tad too chilly when not under the blankets. He didn't have time for this, they both had to go back to sleep! "Fine! Stay in my bed for a moment." Sasori hissed as he took Deidara under the blankets with him. "Now tell me, what's wrong."

"I had a bad dweam."

"Yes, I do believe we had already established that. What was the bad dream about so I can, I dunno, protect you from it?"

"I had a bad dweam about me and you dyin, un." Deidara mumbled, sounding sadder with each word, ultimately breaking down at the end at the little 'dyin'.

Wrapping an arm around the weeping boy, Sasori held him to his body in a side hug. "Well it was only a dream and dreams are not real. I will make sure we won't die."

"My big b-buddy at school, un, she says when you d-die in dreams, you die in real life."

"Oh my god." Sasori groaned. Never in his life hand he wanted to strangle a little girl before. How dare that brat tell his brat all these scary things! Moving Deidara from his side and into his lap, Sasori rocked him back and forth until the little sobs subsided. "Hush, you won't die... Danna will protect you."

"You will?"

"Yes."

Rubbing the tears away from his eyes, Deidara looked up with a new hopeful gleam. "Does that mean I can sleep with you tonight? So you can protect me, un?"

Sasori's reassuring smiled dropped. No way was he going to let the brat sleep in his bed with him! Don't get him wrong, he knows he has napped with the boy in the past, and frankly he probably wasn't going to stop. Napping together takes place during the day and on the couch. This is at night and in his bed. The last thing he wants is for Deidara to think it's okay to come into his room anytime he wants! Any night for a snuggle! For any reason at all.

Office hours were supposed to be closed at night. Unless there was an emergency of course.

Moving Deidara back to his side, Sasori lied back down. "No, you're a big boy. Big boys sleep in their own beds."

"But what if I die!" Deidara protested as he slowly crept closer to the redhead, more and more under the blankets. Very sneaky.

Sasori frowned as, yeah, not very sneaky. He was losing sleep from this and he was in no mood to get in an argument with a five year old. "Only for tonight. Do not talk to me. This is not a slumber party."

"Yay! Thank you Danna!" Deidara beamed as he flopped down, squirming his way to Sasori's side. "Sweet dreams, Danna." He whispered as he pecked Sasori's cheek with a little kiss before settling down. Sasori simply grunted in return, but not without giving a little smile. He was more than grateful the room was so dark as to hide it.

That tender moment didn't last long.

Squirming away from Sasori, Deidara bolted up making the older male flinch in surprise. "It's too dark! I need my nightlight, be right back!" He whispered very loudly as he climbed out of the bed.

Coming back a few moments later, Deidara turned on the bedroom light making Sasori groan in agony and pull the blankets over his head. Deidara gave a little apology as he plugged the nightlight in, turned the light back off and climbed back into the big bed. "Night night, Danna." He whispered as he planted another kiss on his cheek and snuggled on in. "Sweet dreams."

Again Sasori grunted. This time a little on the angry side...

"Oh no!" Deidara gaped as he jumped up and out of the bed in a heart beat. "I forgot Bard! He's probably bleeding without me, un!"

"Bleeding...?" Sasori growled in confusion as he flopped to face away from the door. Perhaps he could fall asleep with his back to the boy as he ignored him.

Climbing yet again into the big bed, Deidara gave Bard a good squeeze. "He wasn't bleeding, thank goodness!"

"Deidaraaa. Go to bed!" Sasori groaned angrily.

"Okay! Roll over so I can give you a night night kiss, un."

"No."

"I can't reach you with your back to me." Deidara pouted as he kicked a foot out at older male as he demonstrated that he couldn't reach him for a kiss.

Sasori didn't respond to the kick. Grumbling, Deidara just climbed over and around his head. Finally Sasori gave grunt in response as a foot landed in his hair, pulling on it painfully. Giving up, he tilted his head over a bit to get yet another kiss, this time on the forehead. The sweet kisses were losing their specialness really fast.

"Oh dear." Deidara mumbled as he ONCE AGAIN moved away from Sasori and back onto the floor.

"WHAT. WHAT COULD Y-YOU POSSIBLY NEED TO DO NOW?" Sasori yelled as he sat up, his voice cracking with it. All he wanted was to get some sleep! One could say that this was a learning experience though - never let the boy in at night ever again.

Deidara pursed his lips together and crossed his legs. "I hafta peepee." He said, lowering his hands to his nether regions in another attempt to hold the urine inside him.

"Go pee. Come back. Go to sleep." Sasori seethed as he raked his hand across his face. "If you get up once more... You're sleeping in the yard!"

Swallowing hard, Deidara nodded his head and wiggled his hips. "Alrighty, just lemme peepee."

Rolling back onto his side that faced the door, Sasori anticipated the child's return. Kiss, snuggle in, and go to sleep. Deidara thankfully did something good and went to the bathroom and returned quickly. He also did as he was told and hopped into the bed, kissed Sasori on the nose and snuggled in very close into his chest. "Thank you Danna."

"Hn."

Soon the room was silent and all Sasori could hear were the little breaths coming out of the child start off quick and fast, turn slower and deeper as he fell asleep. All at such a fast speed too... Moving him just a smidge closer, Sasori sighed and held him tight. "Sweet dreams brat."

\- - - Bonus - - -

Sasori leaned forward and kissed the beautiful supermodel on the lips. "Oh Sori-sama~ you're such a good kisser, please do it again!" She moaned as she touched the red curl framing his pale ear with her fluffy hands.

Tracing his hand down her blue body, Sasori sighed lovingly at the sweet moan that slipped past her beak. "Oh my dear Bardina, you are truly a piece of fine art."

"Fine...art?" She asked unsure of what Sasori meant.

"Yes, and I love art." Sasori whispered huskily as he stared down into her cold dead eyes.

Bardina gasped as she wrapped her soft arms around his neck pulling him down to soothe her bursting spirit that he had lit aflame. "Oh Danna! I love you too!" She cried as she held him close, putting an odd amount of weight on his chest.

"Danna - Danna - Danna oh kissu me!"

Sasori jolted awake to the disgusting sight of Bard's hideous face. Bard far, Bard near, Bard far, Bard near. Far and near as it was currently being smashed into his face by the child who was sitting on his chest.

"Haha! Kissu me Danna! Kissu meee!" Deidara giggled as he continued to cram the stuffed animal's beak against his lips.

"D-Deidara..."

Realizing the Sasori had finally awaken, Deidara smiled and pulled Bard back to look the groggy man in the eyes. "Oh? Good mornin Danna! Did you have sweet dreams?"

Sweet dreams?

Sitting up without any regard for the little boy sitting on him, Sasori knocked him down in between his legs. Frowning, he rubbed his face until he did crack a bit of a smile. Not at Deidara being happy after a troublesome night, no way. He recalled the lovely supermodel in his dream. Sure he couldn't remember what she looked like, but they were in love, they had kissed and he was sure she was attractive if her appearance was as beautiful as her name. Bardina~

"Wait, Bardina?"

"Huh? Who's Bardina, Danna?" Deidara asked as he rolled onto Sasori's lap, plush bird curled under his chin - face up.

"Bar...dina..." Sasori whispered this time as he looked down at the lazy yet blank glare of the unfortunate looking toy. Staring a little longer he thought he saw the toy wink at him. Shivering he hopped out of bed. He's probably just over tired from being kept up too late the night before. "Deidara, go...watch some cartoons... Danna feels really filthy and needs to take a shower." He muttered the last part as he grabbed his towel and robe off the backside of the door before walking out and down the hallway towards the bathroom.

Dropping Bard on Sasori's bed, Deidara sat him upright and facing the door. "When Danna gets back, you make sure ya greet him!" He spoke to the toy before he followed his Danna down the hallway but further down towards the living room.

Little did he know that Bard was the last person...er...thing Sasori would want to see when he emerged from the bathroom in just his robe. One could only wonder how he'd react if he did not realize the plush was there until he got undressed.

"UWAGH!"

* * *

Sasori walks in the room to see Bard is waiting for him. Sasori cries a may be good at the snuggles, but he is not a very good roommate.

Next babydei, Sasori will be meeting two new friends.


	29. Friends at the Park

It was a warm Friday afternoon when the phone rang in the Babydei household. Struggling to move around the boy crawling and climbing around at his feet, Sasori carefully made his way to the landline to grab it.

"Hello?" He asked as he raised a finger to his mouth signaling Deidara to be quiet.

Deidara returned the signal by meowing in a quieter voice. Kitty-Deidara was on a mission. A mission for LOVE.

'Hello...' A deep voice grumbled, until Sasori heard a single riot of a child screaming and hollering in the background. 'Is Deidara there?'

Sasori frowned when he heard the strange man ask for the boy. He looked down at Deidara who was still meowing and occasionally mooing on his hands and knees. "Uh, yes he's here... Who is this?"

The screaming on the other end grew louder and the man sighed. Suddenly, 'Hiya! Is Deidara there? I wanna talk to Deidara! Give him the phone so I can talk to him!' a child's voice piped on the other end. Until it sounded as if the adult in the background scolded him on slowing down and using manners. The child groaned. 'I am Hidan. Give the phone to Deidara cause I wanna play.'

Looking yet again at Deidara, Sasori had to roll his eyes as the child rolled onto his back with his feet high in the air, silently begging for a belly rub. For once the child had not been consumed by the fact that a phone had rung. It irked the man that for the first time it had actually been for the boy as well.

He didn't count the times when Deidara's father would call, he called once a week.

Pressing the speakerphone button, Sasori handed Deidara the phone. "It's for you."

"For meow!?" Deidara shrieked as he sat up to the grasp the phone.

'Deidara!?' The voice on the phone called out upon hearing the blond. 'Deidara, come play at the park with me today!'

Deidara's little mouth dropped in awe and excitement before he looked up at his Danna with a big smile.. "Danna-Danna! Can we go the park right meow so I can play with my friendy, un?" He begged as he also lifted his shirt, still signaling he wanted a belly rub.

Raising his foot, Sasori placed in on the boys exposed stomach and rubbed it. "Uh, sure I guess." He mumbled with wide eyes. This had never happened before. Sure he knew the boy had friends, what kid didn't? It was just that Deidara had never had a friend over, gone to a friends house, or even been phoned by a friend.

In this situation you really can't count Katsuya or Konan.

Ugh, Konan. That rotten scoundrel.

Leaning over to the phone still in Deidara's hands, Sasori spoke back to the little boy named Hidan. "Yes we can meet you at the park, just give us fifteen minutes."

'YEAH! OKAY, BYE BYE, SEE YOU WHEN WE PLAYING!' The boy screamed happily as he slammed the phone onto the hook creating a loud noise. A hook phone though? What was this guy, poor? Or perhaps stingy? Old phones still worked after all.

Removing his foot from the belly and moving down to sit the floor, Sasori took the phone away from the blond and turned it off. "So, I guess we're going to the park?" He asked, petting the little boy-kitty by pushing back the hair that had fallen into his face.

"Woofie woo! Park, park, park!" Deidara yipped as he moved to nuzzle and licked the hand.

Sasori sighed and dropped his head down as if it were too heavy. "Wait...you're a dog now?"

"I'm a catalog, Danna. That's a cat and a dog, DUH."

"My mistake."

Rushing to get ready, Sasori plopped a snack on the table for Deidara while he got the boy's travel bag ready. Fortunately for him, Sasori quickly knew well that you simply can't take a child somewhere without a bag full of the necessities. In fact, the man had an extra emergency bag in his car trunk at all times. For today though, he put a couple snacks inside, water bottle, a ziploc bag with a few racecars in it, and an extra sweater each for the both of them.

No one wanted to hear, "Dannaaa! Me so cooold! Hug me, un!" where they would just sit there cuddling because the boy didn't want to leave the park. Didn't Deidara have an ugly plush bird he could hug all he wanted?

Lastly and certainly the most important thing he did was get the boy into some real clothing. Deidara had woken up and had started getting ready for school, that is until Sasori reminded him it was a vacation day for the students. So did Deidara just end up getting dressed? Did he put his pajama shirt back on and stay in his jammies? No. Neither.

Half naked half pajamas was plenty comfortable. Who needs a pants anyway? Uncool people need pants that's who!

Getting Deidara dressed into leggings and a sweater , he was placed into his booster seat. Ready to go with a few minutes to spare, the two drove off the the park located a few blocks away.

"This is good, you kids these days need to play outside more." Sasori said as he looked in the rear view mirror at the child who had pulled his pink ducky sweatshirt up to expose his chest and stomach.

Pressing a little finger into his belly button, Deidara looked at it squish around under his fingertip. Of course being the weirdo he is, he then did a similar thing with his nipple. "I leave the housie to play more than you, Danna." He grunted, still fooling around with the odd objects on the front of his body. Thankfully not straying any lower than the tiny navel.

"That may be the thing now, but when I was young, my grandma locked both my cousins Temari, Kankuro and I out of the house so we'd be forced to play outside. We were outside for HOURS."

Smiling happily, Deidara shook his head. "You were forced to play outside. I choose to play outside, un."

"Oh shush."

After a moment of silence, they pulled into the parking lot near the park. As Sasori opened the door to release the boy, he frowned at him as was continuing to play with his stomach and chest area."Hey Danna?" Deidara asked as he realized they had reached their destination.

"Yes?"

"Are belly buttons and nippies not the same thing?"

Sasori raised an eyebrow and went to say no, somehow the image of nipples being where extra umbilical chords were slowed his response to the point where Deidara lost interest in the topic. He was far more excited to see the park as well as his friend.

"Problem averted." Sasori sighed as he grabbed the bag and locked the car up, making sure to keep an extra eye he didn't know he had on Deidara who had already made a break for the park straight ahead.

Taking his place on a bench, Sasori watched as Deidara stood in a group of kids. Only one of them looked familiar. He had seen Deidara play with that boy at this particular park on multiple occasions. Did they go to school together too? Perhaps... yes? Nodding to himself, he concluded that one was Hidan.

Squinting his eyes, Sasori tried to focus in on the the platinum blond. "Kind of an ugly kid, ain't he?" He grumbled quietly as he happened to glance over to see a couple of women sitting on a nearby bench. One had a stroller with a sleeping baby in it and the other woman, a wiggly baby in her arms. "Deidara is much cuter than all these ugly kids."

The ladies though, the ladies were lookin fine as hell. Sasori knew much better than to talk to them though. Instead he pulled out his electronic book and started to read. If he went unnoticed, that would be for the best. Just once he would like to go out in public and not have Deidara embarrass him.

Yeah, Deidara was the only embarrassment here. RIGHT. SURE.

The time rolled by and twenty minutes turned into an hour. Every while he would look up when he'd hear Deidara squeal extra loud. The other children ran around and played games, the one that he assumed was Hidan never strayed too far from his brat. It was kind of cute, just a little bit though.

It was also kind of irritating to watch all the kids try to fight over who got to play with Deidara. It seemed he was more popular than Sasori ever imagined. Hidan ultimately prevailed at all attempts to claim his friend as a teammate for everything.

Taking his phone out, he used the zoom feature and snapped a few pictures of the kids playing to send to Katsuya. It was then he zoomed in on Hidan he noticed the kid wasn't quite as ugly as he first thought. Still ugly, just not as ugly. Unfortunately for Sasori, he heard something from the women next to him that sent him into a bit of a panic mode. Those words could be considered... Ugly.

"Do you see him? It's that weird man again!" The one not holding her baby said, pointing over to not Sasori for once, but rather a tall, muscular man standing near bench located on the other side of the park. "I always see him here just watching the kids, it's so creepy!"

"Wait, do you mean he doesn't have one of his own!?" The one holding her baby said sounding shocked and uneasy as she held her baby a little closer.

"From what I've seen, no kid!"

Both women groaned and mumbled in concern. Concern that was highly contagious.

Sasori began to sweat a bit as he too began to watch the man. It was almost as if the guy was...watching Deidara... How could he not though, everyone looked at the punk! With his long blond hair, darling blue eyes, sweet as sugar smiles and loud friendly mouth... The child was the poster boy for what kidnappers wanted. Not to mention that he was also the smallest child currently at the park. Why did the brat have to be so teeny tiny!? That guy could carry him away like a football.

"No... Not my brat..." He whispered as he put the electronic away. Now that he noticed the creep, Sasori had to keep an eye on him. He glanced over at Deidara and saw him do a cute little summersault. Something burned throughout his body. Like hell that freak was taking his roly poly baby!

The one mother grabbed her stroller and pulled her baby closer. "He's here all the time though, do you think he lives near by?"

"Oh my god! That's so creepy to think he'd live near a place that had so many little kids!" The other shivered as she moved her baby around in her arms. "I'm getting the heebie-jeebies, let's go somewhere else."

Sparing a glance, Sasori watched the two women leave. It was just him at the park who was aware of this guy... It was up to him to protect the kids! Sitting up, he leaned foreword on his knees, ready to pounce at any moment.

That is, until his phone went off. Getting it out he replied to the text. It was Pain asking if and what Konan could buy Deidara for a gift. Also him begging Sasori to say no.

Chuckling at the text he replied and put the phone down. Why would Konan need to buy Deidara anything? As he looked up, he went pale. The creepy big guy was a few feet away from Deidara! He was calling out to Deidara! Deidara was going over to the stranger!

Stranger danger! Stranger danger!

In a heartbeat Sasori was in the air, his limbs flailing as he charged at the man. There was no way, absolutely no way this man was going to get one step away with his wee little Deidara!

"Don't you steal him!" Sasori cried as lept up on the mans back. It was when he was firmly latched on he realized just how massive this guy was in comparison to himself. "Don't steal my baby!"

As Sasori jumped on the man's back, the guy barely lurched. Something as small as Sasori was nothing. It was like a human backpack. Not a very heavy one either. Turning his head a bit, the guy looked at Sasori and raised an eyebrow.

Sasori in turn looked back at the man and then over past him as he checked on Deidara. He then realized that the stranger had Deidara's face in one of his hands and in the other was a tissue. Pooling out of Deidara's nose was a stream of clear snot.

"Can I help you?" The man asked in a gravely voice.

"Y-you approached... My baby..."

The little tyke Hidan came bouncing down the tall playground to the lower platform Deidara was standing on and laughed. "Haha! Kuzu has a monkey on his back!"

Slowly Sasori slid down off the male known as Kuzu's back. Something told him he had severely misread the situation.

"Nyeeeh!" Deidara whined sadly as he sniffled his runny nose, waiting for someone to finish wiping it up for him.

Sighing, the man turned back to the sad boy. "I'm coming, Deidara, just wait." He mumbled as he did a thorough wipe of the nose. "Instead of wiping your nose on your sleeve, just ask for a help or a tissue."

"But Cookie-zoo! I-I was havin too many funs playin, un!" Deidara wailed as he tried to defend himself. "It's Hidan's fault for being too much fun!" He then blamed the boy beside him, thrusting his little finger in Hidan's direction. Hidan was more than proud he was at fault.

Sasori stood there very quiet and very confused. Was this guy Hidan's father? They didn't really look alike... And by that I mean nothing alike. It was as if one was from the North Pole and the other from the South Pole.

Reaching forward, Kuzu scooped up both of the tired and panting boys with his strong arms. "Hydration break." He mumbled as he carried the both back to the bench he had once been standing beside. There Sasori then noticed a bag that was probably just as stuffed with childcare things as his bag was.

Ah, damn.

Rushing back to his own bag, Sasori grabbed it and ran over to the bench where the two boys were sitting. Deidara was all smiles as he got up and patted his seat for his Danna to have a space to sit with them. "Here Danna, I can have a sit on your lap. Can I have some watery please, un?"

"Yeah...sure..." He huffed as he got the boy's orange and pink bottle out. (Again, it was the only bottle on the market that had a bird on it. In this case, a family of owls.) When he looked up from giving Deidara his drink, Sasori flinched when he realized the older male was staring at him.

"Why did you attack me?" The man asked plainly. How could he not when he had in fact been attacked. Sure by someone tiny, and he wasn't hurt, but he couldn't deny he was a little bit offended.

"I - uh, I - erm, don't know you." Sasori fumbled the get the words out. "I thought you were a c-creep who was going to steal- I- I mean...kidnap...Deidara..."

Hidan burst out laughing sending the water that he had in his mouth to go everywhere. "Haha! He called you a creep! Red here called Kakuzu a cree~eep!"

Deidara joined in the laughing but made less of a mess. There was a good chance Deidara didn't even know why he and Hidan were laughing. "It's okay, Danna. Cookie-zoo isn't a creep, he's just Hidan's big brother!" He said as he patted his Danna's face in a consoling manner.

"You've never seen me before? You don't know who I am? Really?" Kakuzu scowled. "I see you drop Deidara off at class everyday! I see you at this park too!"

Okay so maybe the guy was a more than a little bit offended.

"I saw you dressed as a chicken on Halloween!" He added to list as he scowled some more. Most of the time he was seen by everyone. He had always been the guy to be noticed first. "But I guess I can see why, you do look a the mom's quite a bit."

That bit caught Deidara's little ears. That he understood. Climbing around Sasori's lap, Deidara sat up and smacked him in the forehead. "Stop being a sex-ostrich!" He growled. "Leave the nice sisters and mommies alone!"

"Sex-ostrich huh?" Kakuzu asked furrowing his eyebrows. That was something weird to come out of the child's mouth. Even for Deidara who called him Cookie-zoo!

"Unfortunately, I believe he means sexist. Some Cop-Chick called me a sexist and now Deidara thinks it appropriate to say it." Sasori clarified. Roughly Grabbing Deidara's face, he brought it really close. "That's not a nice word though and it hurts my feelings."

"Oh no! Not your feelings, un!" Deidara gasped as he pulled his Danna in for a consoling hug. Of course he completely ignored that the harsh face grab and stern voice was supposed to be a threat or some form of punishment. After he pulled away, he ruffled his Danna's fluffy, red, head and gave him an apology kiss. "I'm sorry for hurtin your feelins, Danna."

Deidara was a well trained catalog.

Hidan in the other hand snorted. "Feelings? What is this nerd, a girl?"

Before Sasori could say anything back to the boy, Kakuzu reached forward and gave the child a pinch. "Watch your language."

"Ow! That fudging hurt, you fudging fudge for brains!" Hidan hissed as he swung his body about to get some more space. However instead of space, he was given a push to the head so he sat back on the bench so Kakuzu could lean forward, closer to Sasori.

Sticking out his had to the smaller male he gestured for him to take it. "My name is Kakuzu." He finally said when Sasori did take the hand. "This punk here is Hidan, I am his... foster parent."

Sasori smiled, nodded and moved his already out hand in front of the boy next. "It's nice to meet you Kakuzu and Hidan. I'm Sasori. Thank you for being friends with Deidara."

Hidan looked at the hand and crinkled his nose before bending foreword to bite it. If it weren't for Kakuzu's quick movements things would have ended badly for Sasori.

"Say hello, Hidan." Kakuzu commanded rather than asked, hand firmly gripping the boy's forehead.

"Hello..."

Nodding away at the awkward silence, Sasori decided to move the conversation along. "What grade are you in, Hidan?"

"What are you, stupid?" The boy snarled. "I'm in the same class as Deidara ya moron."

That was a surprise based on the height difference. Still, Sasori carried on. "Well it's just you're so much taller than Deidara, I just assumed..."

"What?" Hidan screeched getting louder with each time he spoke, this time also adding offended to the tone list. "You thinkin I'ma stupid and had to retake a grade!? What the fudge is wrong with you, Moron - ouch!" He yelped as he received another pinch.

"Hidan, quiet. Sasori here is probably not used to kids and the only one he is used to is a puny runt." Kakuzu reasoned with his boy. All in all he wasn't wrong. Sure Sasori had three younger cousins, but he couldn't recall the youngest, Gaara, being as loud and stupid as the blond. Not to mention for his age, Deidara was indeed a puny runt.

Teeny-tiny roly-poly baby.

"Alright, I know Deidara started school early so he's younger, but how old are you?"

Hidan pursed his lips together. "Six and Deidara is five and will be six soon too. You better invite me to his birthday party or I will kill you and put your brains in the blender." He growled, his eyes getting a little steamy like he was going to cry if he wasn't invited.

Sasori paled. Not at the threat coming from such a young boy, but rather at hearing about a BIRTHDAY party. He had completely forgotten that kids had little parties, let alone that Deidara had one coming up. Being a generally unlikable person both now and when he was younger, the redhead was used to small parties that included his family only.

Now he had to plan a party and he also had no idea when Deidara's birthday was in the first place! Wait. Was that why Konan was asking if she could get him a gift? How did she know and he didn't!? Why didn't she warn him!

That scoundrel! That scum bag!

"Relax Hidan, Deidara won't be six for another month. I'm sure Sasori will invite you." Kakuzu reassured as he gave the boys head a pat.

"Don't worry Hidan!" Deidara chirped as he leaned off Sasori's lap down into his friends arms for a hug. "The other kiddies might not want you at their parties," Harsh. "but I always will, un!"

Sasori smacked his lips hearing this. So Hidan wasn't ever invited to other kids parties. He could see why. "They're right Hidan, of course you're invited. I wouldn't have it any other way." Sasori said smiling as he squeezed Deidara down on the bench beside Hidan. Looking up though, he gave Kakuzu a harsh glare. "However I demand Kakuzu accompany you." He stated. There was no way he was going to house Hidan without some sort of help from the person who was probably a professional at it. Especially after that threat the boy gave him.

Kakuzu nodded solemnly as he completely understood what Sasori meant. He wasn't a fool.

Suddenly Sasori's phone went off. It was Pain again, this time asking about borrowing a textbook and an overuse of winky faces. "We have to go now, but we'll have to have lunch or something, y'know, to get to know each other better." Sasori said as he stood up.

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." Kakuzu nodded as he too stood up. "I think we'll be heading home too for lunch, anyway."

Whining for a moment, the two boys gave each other big hugs and ended up turning it into a game of who could squeeze the hardest.

"I assume you will be going to the parent teacher conference that's coming up in place of Katsuya, correct?" Kakuzu asked Sasori as he tried to pry a giggly Hidan of a giggly Deidara.

"Yeah, I am to make a detailed report to send him."

Kakuzu smirked. "Sounds fun."

"I also have to have a talk about Deidara's big buddy."

"Big buddy?" Kakuzu repeated. "Ain't her name...Ino, Ina, Ita?" He asked as he tried to recall the name. He was sure he had heard the two kids talk about the girl at one point or another.

Sasori shrugged and scooped Deidara up away from Hidan's killer hugs. Lest the boy come out with bruises that he would get blamed for. "I don't know what her name is so your guess is better than mine."

"Well, good luck with that. We'll phone again to set up a play date."

Unbeknownst to Kakuzu, Deidara and Sasori; Hidan smirked when he heard the talk about his best friend's big buddy. He knew who the troublesome kid was, and to him it was all a hilarious joke. The fact that the two adults were just as dumb as Deidara just made it even better. Now, what to get for his bestfriend on his birthday?

-/-

When they got to Konan and Pain's house, Sasori grabbed a random and rather thick magazine off the table and tossed it to Deidara. Snickering a little, he told him look at the CATALOG while he waited. That would give the blond something to do, as well as teach the boy catalogs were not cat-dogs.

Crying, averted.

Now Konan couldn't punch him!

Opening it, Deidara was thoroughly unimpressed with what he saw. There on every page were aesthetically attractive women in various panties. He wasn't the only one who wasn't too impressed as they walked in.

Yeah, Konan wasn't too happy to see that Sasori gave Deidara her sexy lingerie catalog. Sasori got punched. Twice.

* * *

we met new friends today, how fun. but how are they brothers?! only the future will tell... bye bye for now losers!


	30. Fuchsia is not blue

Sasori sat with Kakuzu on the front steps, drinking their coffee as they watched the two boys ride down the side of the street. Deidara happily moving along on his bike and Hidan pushing along on his scooter. They played no game in general, just going back and forth, back and forth - giggling like there was no tomorrow.

"I like Deidara's new helmet." Kakuzu mentioned to the new sky blue protection sitting atop the blonds head. "Sure beats the floral one he got the year before. Why the sudden change?"

Taking a long sip, Sasori sighed, cringing a little as what he was about to say caused him a certain amount of inner turmoil, being the proclaimed artist he was. "Deidara is convinced that blue colour is called fuchsia." He mumbled, ignoring his new friend's question. Turmoil. So much.

And it was a bitch for Sasori to not bitch out at the boy for the mistake. Surely the kid meant the word 'azure' instead. Too bad he'd never get to tell him.

"That's rough. Again, what was wrong with the old one?"

Sighing ever harder, Sasori furrowed his brows and closed his eyes. The day a week or so prior when it all happened. "Ahn...When we got the floral one out of storage, there was a spider on it..."

Kakuzu clicked his tongue and shook his head. "Yikes."

"Mhmm. Thought if I washed it, the fear would pass, but it didn't."

"I thought Deidara wasn't scared of spiders?" Kakuzu noted, frowning as he looked at Sasori.

Yes, the boy was absolutely not scared of spiders. Hidan on the other hand, he was very scared of spiders and simply could not function if there was one in the room.

Tantrums galore.

"Oh, he's not. He wasn't..." Sasori started, groaning loudly as he recalled his moment of pure stupid. He was kind to himself and took a treat of taking another sip of coffee. "Until I opened my big stupid mouth and mentioned something along the lines of; hidden eggs that would hatch while he wearing the helmet."

Kakuzu put two and two together. He scrunched his eyes closed and crinkled his nose in disgust. "Then he'd have...Hair full of spiders..." He shuddered.

"Yup. Had to buy a whole new helmet. Wouldn't stop crying until we got to the the checkout counter."

"Ahh..."

Sasori shook his head and lowered it shamefully. "I looked like a fool walking around that store with him wearing the helmet and crying like that. The fuchsia helmet. " He muttered as he recalled the unforgiving and disdained looks people gave him. "What I don't understand is the superiority complex young people these day get."

"Superiority complex?"

Turning to Kakuzu, Sasori raised his hands, ready to explain. "They act as if not wanting kids, other people will scratch their eyes out when it's the opposite."

"The opposite?"

"When someone says they want kids, how do these no kids people respond?"

Kakuzu thought for a moment, looking over at Hidan to see him sharing the scooter with Deidara. Carefully leading him along so he wouldn't get hurt, even though Deidara knew exactly what to do. "They yell about how awful kids are, then they say they don't want kids and they ruin your lives."

"Exactly."

"But Sasori, by the sound of it, Deidara is awful and is ruining your life."

"I think you got something there..."

Suddenly a terrible noise erupted from the side of the road. Hollering as he sprinted over, "Danna! Danna! I'm kinda chilly, hug me and warm me up, un!" Deidara called, leaping onto Sasori.

Sasori groaned as he unzipped his sweater and pulled the boy inside for a warm hug. Why didn't he just tell the boy to go inside for a sweater you ask? Please. Puh-lease.

"Mm! Warm huggies are best huggies." Deidara giggled as he wiggled about his Danna's grip. "Can we have lunch time now, please, un? Me so hungry, I could eat a sandwich."

"Of course." Sasori nodded, but not before sending Kakuzu a dirty look for snickering at their loving affection. Kakuzu's just jealous that Sasori has the cuter baby. "Hidan! Come on in, we're going to start lunch!" He then called to the boy still playing on the side of the road.

"Okaaayuh!"

-x-

"Mm! I love pickies." Deidara hummed stuffing a pickle in his mouth. "Mm! I love cheese, too! Oh and I love my sandwich, un!"

"They're that tasty, huh?" Hidan asked, lips smacking as he ate his own food happily. "What else is tastetarrific?"

"Mm! I love juice, un!"

Both boys broke out in a riot of laughter. Kakuzu and Sasori looked at each other, searching the others eyes for the reason why this was all so funny. Calling each piece of food tasty.

Why.

A noise caught Deidara's attention that sent him running out of the kitchen and into the living room. "Car! I hear a car in the driveway! Bam-a-lam, it's Konan! She's here why? Why is she here!? Danna? Danna! DANNA!" He screamed louder and louder until Sasori rushed over to clamp his hand over the boys mouth.

"I called her here to talk to her about... Well that's not important." Sasori hissed, taking the boy back to the table where Hidan and Kakuzu still sat. "She's absolutely not here to play with you."

No, she was here to help Sasori in the beginning of planning Deidara's birthday. Because little miss thinks she's such a hip and cool lady already knew... Kakuzu would be there to give pointers being the only person Sasori knew, that wasn't an old lady, that had actually thrown a child's party.

Deidara stuck out his bottom lip and groaned sadly. "She's here to play with just you, un?" He asked, picking up his sandwich and pressing it against his face; whining into it pathetically.

Yanking away the sandwich away from the little face, Sasori wiped the flecks of bread that decided to stick around. "Yes, when she's done with me, then she might say hello."

Deidara scoffed. "Might say hello? Danna, please. This is Konan, un."

The very thought of them making eye contact and not giving each other at least one teeny tiny kiss was ridiculous. Hey, even seven kisses was ridiculous. Not even twelve. Twelve kisses were a must.

"Who's Konan?" Hidan asked, after taking a drink. "Is she Sasori's fudge buddy?"

"Hidan! Hush!" Kakuzu snarled as he slammed the table. He could be only so grateful the boy uses the would fudge and not... Well...

"No! She's just a friend of Danna's. Danna can't be near ladies other than Konan a'cause they don't like him."

Sasori growled but didn't argue with that. If he dare open his mouth, he could practically see the whole predicament playing out. He actually says it's Deidara's fault girls don't like him, Deidara cries, Hidan gets offended and attacks him. Kakuzu laughs at Sasori. Sasori has to deal with a moody Deidara, and then Konan sees the moody Deidara. It just doesn't work out for the Danna. The Danna just dies in the end.

"Knock knock! Konan is here!" A bubbly woman's voice rings from the backdoor that is attached to the kitchen. "Sorry I'm late, I - " she stopped mid sentence and gasped.

There he was.

With another one.

"Two little love bugs!" She screamed, rushing in to scoop both boys into her arms. Deidara of course screamed along nonsense with her, being caught up in all the excitement. Now he just needed those twelve kisses.

Kakuzu watched in shock and horror as Hidan squirmed in her arms. This was bad. "Miss! Hidan really hates hugs from adults, you really should let him go!" He yelped, trying to reach for the his boy. "Like he REALLY hates it."

"Nonsense!" Konan giggled as she picked both boys up, one in each of her mighty arms. "Kids love me!" And with that he pressed a sweet kiss on Deidara's cheek, and as well as Hidan's.

Kakuzu paled. Hidan hated kisses! Only unless he got hurt, then they were great. Which was also strange because it was almost as if Hidan would attempt to get hurt on purpose. The child's counselor he would take Hidan to would often say if was an attempt to gain attention, as well as affection.

Hidan made it very clear he worshiped some sort of demon overlord named Jashin? Kids and they're wacky imaginary friends, am I right? Back to Konan though...

Deidara giggled at the kiss and kissed her back with rapid little smooches. Danna was so totally wrong. She came all the way here and was so gonna kiss, cuddle and play with him.

Hidan pulled away from the woman thusly. Kisses!? He wasn't a baby! He was a man! He was six and a little bit! He- he!

"You... You're an angel."

Konan, along with Kakuzu and Sasori looked the boy in shock. With dreamy eyes, Hidan lowered his head into the crook of her neck. "You are... My angel princess... My love..." He said in an almost whisper as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

Konan looked down at the boy and smiled. "Of course you do." She coo'd, holding him close with her one arm and using the other to rehoist Deidara onto her hip a little better.

"I carry both boys often..." Kakuzu mumbled, feeling a little bitter that the brat he cared for, and had tried so hard to earn the affection of, had latched onto someone new so fast. "Aren't they heavy?" He asked.

Pursing her lips, Konan sent Deidara a smile and shook her head. "Nah, they're light as a feather." She laughed.

Kakuzu leaned in towards his Sasori's ear and scowled at first. "Hey Sasori?" He then asked, aiming for his attention while the woman was busy being preoccupied with the kids ogling and worshiping the air floating around her.

"Yeah?"

"She's a troublemaker, isn't she..."

"The absolute worst."

-x-

"Angel?"

"Yes Hidan?" Konan responded as she rolled over on the floor, closer to the boy talking to her. Somehow she was clever enough to figure out the lovely title referred to only her.

"I will buy you a castle."

Giggling, she ruffled his hair and played along to humour the boy. "That's sweet, but don't angels live in heaven amongst the clouds?"

Shaking his head vigorously, Hidan then placed a hand on her cheek. "Then I will buy you a castle made of clouds. Two of them. I promise."

"I keep your word on that."

Also sitting on the floor not to far away from all this, Kakuzu pieced together his lego car, eyeing up the two with jealous eyes - green with evny. "Brat never says nice shit like that to me..." He scowled, half speaking to what he assumed was Sasori.

"Cookie-zoo, it's okay. I don't think they even invited castles that can be made-a cloud mattyreal. Hidan is sayin blah stuff, un."

Kakuzu flinched and actually looked over. Shocked, that actually was the redhead sitting next to him. Deidara no where in sight. "Shit, that's creepy. Don't do that ever again, Sasori."

"Yeah, I didn't even know I could do that." Sasori chuckled, rather impressed with himself.

Bursting through the door, Deidara stomped into his bedroom wearing his new blue helmet. Lest he not show his fav lady just how how cool he looked. "Look Konan! My brand new helmet, un. It's fuchsia! Fuchsia!"

Konan rolled over to face the boy at the door, ready to see a purple helmet until. She furrowed her brows. "But lovebug, your helmet is blue and fuchsia is a mixture of purple and pink."

Opening his mouth wide for little to no reason, Deidara simply nodded and hobbled over to the woman for a hug. Again something done for no reason. "Oh, okay. I didn't know that. "Thanks for correctioning me." He smiled, reaching up to tug on the helmet proudly.

Elsewhere in the room, Sasori cried out that Konan got away with that, without having Deidara be bothered in the slightest. Unfortunately, hearing Sasori cry like that made Deidara very sad and ended up making him teary eyed... Which neither Hidan nor Konan appreciated.

Well, let's just say the Danna's life was spared. This time.

* * *

Kuzu is salty as hell. how dare that woman steal his baby. Konan - the professional kidnapper. I did not proof read this chapter lol. bye losers


	31. Love letter

"What's this?"

"What's what."

Sasori held up what he had found stashed in the little boys backpack. Well, not really stashed as it wasn't particularly hidden. More like thrown in there and long forgotten. "This. What is this?"

Looking at the object in his Danna's hand, Deidara didn't respond, but rather gave him a confused look and an extended, opened hand. "Can I see it, un?" He asked, closing the hand and reopening it a few times.

"Uh yeah, sure."

Taking it in his tiny grubby hands, he unwrapped it. It was a mini chocolate and a little piece of paper. Staring at it for a moment, Sasori became a little impatient with the silence. If there was one thing he never really bought for the boy, it was sweets. They rotted teeth, swelled the belly and the redhead had absolutely no desire to have Deidara on a sugar high.

Konan that scoundrel. Her and that giant chocolate bar...

What about the child's Halloween candy you may ask? Well, let's just say Deidara had to pay a lot of Danna Taxes. The chocolate wasn't the most important thing here though.

"So what is is?" He asked the child again. Really, he knew exactly what it was. He just wanted a better idea where it came from.

Instead of responding however, Deidara popped the chocolate in his mouth and ate it, crumpling the paper along with the little wrapper. "I 'unno what that was. Now what's for breakfast?"

Sasori scowled as he took the little wrapper away from Deidara and unraveled it. "What do you mean you don't know what that was? You ate it!"

"And it was delicious, un."

"You just said you didn't know what it was!"

Lifting up his shirt and pulling it over his head, Deidara sighed as he teetered on his feet. This conversation was getting tiresome really fast. "You dunno what it was."

"No, it's the exact opposite!" Sasori grumbled as he tried his best to smooth out the piece of paper. "This. Who gave you the letter and the chocolate." He tried again lowering the paper so Deidara could see a loopy childlike cursive written on it. It wasn't even Valentine's day. Although one could guess how long the gift was in the backpack. It sure seemed as if someone had just decided to give the blond a gift as there was no overly pink or words relating to Valentines.

"Uh, ok Danna." Deidara started. "It says, Dear Deidara I really like you a lot, please be my boyfriend, un, love your secret amyerer."

"So!?"

"So?"

The child could clearly not see the irony in the fact that he was being courted, when he Sasori, couldn't attract a companion of his own. "Who's this secret admierer? Spill Deidara, who is this special someone who like-likes you enough to send you letters and buy you... expensive candy!?"

Deidara groaned as he gave up. Collapsing to the floor he was done with this conversation. "It said secret amyer, I dunno who gave it."

"Do you have a hunch who this secret admirer is?"

"I don't have hunches?" Deidara frowned looking up. "You have a hunched back, try sitting up staight, un."

Sasori snorted. "Uh rude." Sitting down on the floor he prepared himself to explain a little further on the saying. "Is there someone you think might have... Given you this?"

"Oh, uh my big buddy probably did maybe."

Throwing his arms up, Sasori scowled. Finally a response! Ah yes, the infamous big buddy who had a big informative mouth. Not only were they apparently smart, this was an older girl crushing on the boy! "You lucky ducky..." Sasori muttered as he poked the boy's stomach, making him flinch.

"I don't understand this boyfriend stuff, un." Deidara mumbled as he grabbed at Sasori's finger, letting himself be pulled up to a sitting position. "She kissed me and Hidan made fun of me."

"She kissed you!?" Okay, that was crossing a line. Kissing little boys was something else. This had to be dealt with carefully... "Is this girl pretty? What does she look like?"

Ah yes, carefully. That was the important stuff.

Flopping back down again, but this time onto his stomach, Deidara was bored again. Why was this conversation still going on? "She's tall?" Deidara asked back more than he responded to his Danna's question.

"Well duh, isn't she like, ten?"

"Nine."

"You lucky duck!" Sasori griped on about this. One could only guess that this is what happens after being single for so long... Going after a child's relationship. What a thrill. "What does she LOOK like though?" He tried again.

"Long, uh, black hair...Tall...She's pale and thin like you."

"Hey!" Sasori scowled as he scooped Deidara up in his arms. "I have big muscles!" He laughed as he wiggled a finger under the boys rib cage, making him giggle and kick his feet.

Deidara stuck out his tongue as he giggled once more, still going on even after the tickling had stopped. "Haha! Danna, I've seen Konan beat you up, un."

Picking Deidara up off the floor, Sasori carried him over the table and put him on his seat so he could get started on their breakfast. "Konan is an unholy beast against nature." He grumbled as he turned away to get a drink for Deidara, not exactly trusting his facial expression at the moment. It was bound to be something along the lines of distressed. "She can beat Pain up and he has REAL muscles."

Deidara nodded as he took the little plastic cup of juice from Sasori. "I don't want to be a boyfriend. Pain is a boyfriendo and he's a bad person."

"He is a bad person."

"He reminds me of you when I first met you, un."

Sasori gaped. "I was not a bad person!"

"I sure ahmember it differently." Deidara mumbled before he took a long drink. "You made me cry a lot, un."

"You still cry a lot!" Sasori hissed as he grabbed out a tub of yogurt and some raspberries out of the fridge. "Your teacher even says you cry a lot. This is nothing new."

"Do you want to be a boyfriend?"

This caught Sasori off guard. He had never considered what Deidara would think if he got a girlfriend. What would happen? Would his father still have him take care of the child if he was dating and in an intimate relationship?

"Huh... I guess it wouldn't..." Sasori muttered on and off as put a bowl of food down in front of the blond. "Be bad to be one..."

Grabbing his spoon, Deidara pointed it towards Sasori. "Great, you can take my big buddy. She's looking for a man and I'm just not ready for an imitated regulation ship."

Okay this was getting no where.

"Well here is the good news that I have been leading up to but probably should have started with when I found the love letter." Sasori said as he turned away from the counter with his own bowl of yogurt. Raising his other hand, he spoke into it like a radio."Kkhhrt! Deidara, this just in, kkhrt you're not allowed to date. You're forbidden from taking part in imitated regulation ships."

"Huh?"

"Yes! Exactly! You can't be dating older girls, you're a...a... Precious lovebug!"

Deidara furrowed his eyebrows and crinkled his nose at having his Danna call him what Super Warrior Queen Fighter Princess Konan called him. "Precious lovebugs can't be boyfriends?"

"No, absolutely not. That's why I'm not dating anyone, I'm too precious." Sasori tutted as he sat down with his own food, across the table. Unfortunately for both if them, this is as far as the redhead could have planned. He didn't know where he was going with this anymore and was just making it up as he went. "You're only allowed one special lady in your life."

"Only one?" Deidara asked, shoveling a bite in the process of talking.

"You don't want to hurt Konan's feelings by liking this girl instead?"

Deidara gasped and slammed his spoon against the table. "Oh no! Not hurting Konan! I LOVE Konan!"

Shaking his head sadly, Sasori acted as if turning against the woman was a terrible sin. "She loves you too, that's why you're forbidden from dating this kid."

Deidara nodded at his Danna's wise words. Hurt Konan? Never! Taking another spoonful of yogurt, Deidara put it in his mouth and dragging it up his nose, getting pink yogurt all over. "Okay," he smacked his lips about nosily. "I think I get what you mean, un."

At the other end of the table, Sasori slowly swallowed his own spoonful. What this little lady at school saw in the blond, who knows. What did Konan even see in Deidara? What did any woman ever see in him!?

This big buddy had been proven to a problem in the past, now crushing on a child three years her junior? Was this considered a little creepy? There was a parent-teacher conference coming up he was expected to attend in place of Deidara's father, maybe he could ask about this troublesome little girl talking about inappropriate things and sending love letters and candy to who was supposed to be a little buddy, not a little boyfriend.

Leaning across the table, Sasori wiped the yogurt off the tip of the boys nose and licked it off his finger. "What's this girl's name anyway?" He then asked as he sat back.

"Oh, it's Itachi."

"Huh..." Sasori nodded as he tried to burn the name into his memory so he could bring it up with the boy's teacher. Raising a hand he stroked his chin, furrowed his brows and muttered to himself quietly, "Isn't Itachi a boys name?"

"I 'unno. Can I have some more yogurt, un?"

* * *

LOL this has been done since vday but I never done nothin with it cause I didn't like it. minor changes and now it can be used? parent teacher conference is next. bye losers


	32. Teacher-Parent Convict

Sasori stood in front of the mirror, carefully moving around each gelled flick of his hair. Sticking out his tongue in concentration, he placed the last section over to the side. This wasn't for class or the grocery store, no, was for something much more important. "Deidara, how do I look?" He asked as he turned around to face the boy who lounging fully clothed in the bathtub.

Well, from the waist up his was fully dressed. His pants still needed to be put on.

Deidara peered over the edge of the tub, frowning at his Danna's spiffy dress shirt, pants and tie ensemble. "Stinky." He mumbled before slinking back down to a fetal position.

Glaring at the boy momentarily, Sasori closed the gel bottle and washed the leftover residue off his hands. "That's not nice. Use your manners, brat." He sighed as he dried them off.

"Danna?"

"Yes?"

"I don't wanta go to the teacher-parent convict, un."

Shaking his head, Sasori couldn't help but chuckle a little a the boy's poorly worded nonsense. "Well that's good because we're not going to the teacher-parent convict." He said as he checked his teeth in the mirror one last time.

Deidara sat up excitedly at this. "We're not!?"

Sasori turned and clapped his hands excitedly. "Nope! We're going to a parent-teacher conference." He sneered as he shuffled foreword, removing the child from the tub and going down the hall.

Deidara quickly realized he was being teased for saying it wrong. "Aww! No fair Danna!" He whined extra loudly as he was plopped down back onto the floor of his bedroom.

Unfortunately for him, he had wasted all his tears complaining about dinner earlier. Perhaps a little later his tears would be restocked. Then the Danna would get it. Soon.

Sasori sighed yet again as he attempted to put the limp boy into his black dress pants. He had already heard enough of the complaining about the ducky sweater-vest making his chest too hot. The sleeve cuffs of the yellow dress shirt were irritating his wrists, and his bow tie was strangling him to "dying death dead die".

"These pants are too scratchy!" Deidara hissed as he rolled on the floor, kicking his legs sparatically. "I wanna wear leggins, un!"

"Absolutely not." Sasori snorted. "I want to look good for your school so that means, for once, you will too!"

Deidara stuck out his bottom lip as he tried to understand just exactly what his Danna had said. "I don't get it..." He grumbled, hiding his face as the little insult went right over his head.

What did his Danna mean he never looked good for school? Deidara had a great fashion sense! Everyone loved his little outfits. He hears the mothers and older female schoolmates squeal in delight at him all the time! Deidara was totally really absolutely super cool.

"Wow, such a good looking little man."

"Pants are poopy..."

Sasori rolled his eyes and picked the child back up. "Into the car!" He cheered, throwing the dressed boy around like a toy doll. "Let's get this over with!"

"Un..."

-x-

Walking through the school, Sasori held onto Deidara's hand as they admired the artwork plastered on the hallway walls. "Oh man, this reminds me of my childhood." He mused as he stopped at a project that was very similar to one that he could remember doing.

"Un, I can have uppies?" Deidara mumbled, jumping up at the redheads feet with his hands in the air. "Being at school at not school time is scary."

"Of course."

"And a kiss."

"Sure." Sasori sighed, kissing the boy's cheek making him giggle and snuggle into his Danna's safe arms.

As they walked further down the hall, a woman's voice came from behind them. "Mr. Akasuna and Deidara? I can see you two now." A teacher called as the previous parent left with their daughter.

Damn though! This teacher was smokin!

The three sat around her desk where she had a folder of Deidara's past work, report card and other miscellaneous notes. She flipped through the yellow folder, took out the notes and moved them to the side so Sasori could have a look at the rest of what she had.

"Alright! I have been informed prior that you have and will be taking Katsuya's place as he has been away on business." She started off, drumming her fingers on a stack of notes.

"Yes ma'am."

"So let's get right to it. I have already sent you home notes in the past, and have given you numerous phone calls home." She said as she looked through the notes that she had moved to the side. "You're new to childcare, so I really can't blame you for being a tad novice at what is appropriate and inappropriate. Not to mention Deidara is...well... Deidara."

Looking up from the folder of Deidara's past artwork and such, Sasori laughed a little, unable to hide her nervousness. "Yes ma'am."

Deidara on the other hand did his own thing and huffed as he moved around his chair; sitting in it upside down. This is mega totally super boring. Besides, he didn't want his Danna hearing about all the naughty things he'd done. Next thing you know! No cartoons for a day! And the things Danna watches - yuck! what a snooze-fest!

Not a talking animal, robot or magical princess in sight. Where were the lasers? The rocket ships? The pew pew, bang bang POW! No where. That's where. Just the news and that one show where it looks like news but the man yells and does weird things that makes everyone laughs.

Also that show with that old man and all the yelling hillbillies. The show that sure beeps a lot. What did the audience shout? Jury? Jeery? Whatever. Everyone acts like a bunch of animals on it.

It's Danna's favorite show though. That and that one Judge lady who yells at everyone. Danna has the worst taste in TV. No cartoons at all.

Wait, what are the adults talking about again?

"I do have a few concerns with his language and speech skills, are you reading with his everyday?" His teacher asked resting on her elbow, peering into Sasori's eyes, looking for any lies.

"I try to...my best that is."

That caught Deidara off guard. His teacher didn't need to figure out if he was lying, Deidara could tell her that his Danna was spitting bullkaka for her. "Nuh-huh! I ask to read un, and you say, GET OUTTA MY ROOOOM! Go 'ta bed! Eat ya dinner first!" He yelled as he sat up on his chair, giving Sasori a little smack on the arm in the process. "Don't lie just 'cause my teacher is pretty and ya wanna look cool, un!"

Sasori turned pink at the kid's little outburst. Looking over, he expected to see a compassionate and laughing teacher. Unfortunately for him, she was anything but that. In fact she was worse than he ever could have imagined.

"Do try to read to him more." She stated shaking her head. Turning to face Deidara, a kind smile quickly formed on her face. She was a professional at her job, that's for sure. "And Deidara, you're a bright boy, you can be the hero and read on your own!"

"Yeah! Me bright and super, un!" He cheered himself on, pumping his little fist skyward.

Man, older girls are such nice things. Too bad Sasori will never get to experience any of their kind and gentle nature.

As she shuffled through her notes again, Sasori squirmed in his seat. This was a lot more nerve racking than he thought it would be. Lady was hot, but she was not very nice. To him. She was super sweet to Deidara though.

Of course.

Stopping at a little card, she pulled it out. "I'm sure you have noticed this, but Deidara grunts and cannot pronounce words correctly. I would like to put him in a form of speech therapy." She mentioned, handing it to him.

Sasori gaped a little and moved to the edge of his seat. "Therapy? Does that cost money? Will it require me to drive him somewhere once...twice a week!?"

Sighing, the woman shook her head. "No, he will be pulled out of class for half an hour, twice a week where a teachers aid will assist him. They say there is no guarantee he will lose the odd grunt, but he should at least learn to speak properly."

Deidara was thoroughly lost. What was a therapy? There a pee? Pee!? Being pulled from class? Was someone going to take him away from school and pee on him!? What does she mean he grunts? Deidara Katsuya does - not - grunt!

Having more faults pointed out in the both of them, Sasori and Deidara were turning to mush. It was no wonder the kid didn't want to come here in the first place! She closed the folder, finished her discussion and that was the end of that. Unfortunately again, it looked as if she was only getting ready to go onto the next point. It was like she had a stack of them she was excited to throw at the two boys.

"Excuse me while I cut you off, Ma'am." Sasori started as he sat foreword. "I would like to talk about Deidara's big buddy who has been raising some concerns."

"Itachi? Itachi is out schools brightest and best student, all at grade only four!"

Sasori rolled his eyes. This woman must have been a former teacher of the punk. "Yes, well, it would appear your 'best student' has been saying inappropriate things to Deidara."

She looked shocked at first and then doubtful. "Oh? Such as?"

Sasori cleared his throat as he counted the crimes off on his fingers. From child slavery, to dentists ripping out kids teeth and making jewlery and other various mishaps that caused his (Sasori) life to be more difficult than it needed to be.

"Oh right, this 'Itachi' has given Deidara a love letter." He started, digging the card out from his wallet, handing it to the woman. "More concerning, they have also kissed Deidara."

The woman sat back in her chair in shock. Never had she imagined such a sweet child would cause so much mayhem! Picking up the phone she called the big buddy's teacher.

"Is Itachi and the Uchiha family in?" She spoke into the phone quietly. "The parents are busy with Sasuke? Then just send Itachi down please."

Sooner or later the door opened and it came the older child. Tall, thin, and poised, Sasori could tell this kid was a total snob. A snobby girl wearing boy's clothes? Maybe this brat was a lesbian. Yes, powerful looking girls were always lesbians. Sure Deidara looked like a girl too... But this is different... Deidara was the least threatening looking thing out there.

"Sasori, this is Deidara's buddy, Itachi." The teacher said gesturing to the child.

Deidara was elated to have his friend come see him! They only saw buddies during class twice a week and somedays when they would play at lunch time. Unless it was one of the days he'd run off with Hidan because Itachi was just too slow.

Itachi was like, the total worst at running. Bad at breathing too. Something along the lines of, haves'more? halfs'ma? Athens? He just really sucked at running and breathing and it was super fun to laugh at him for it.

"Tachi!" Deidara squealed, scooting over in his chair to make room for the other child. "Sit next 'ta me!"

Said child was also elated to see the other, but just did a much better job at hiding it. They however, could not resist to give the little boy a hug and allow a little smile to creep onto his face as he did so.

"Itachi, I hear you have been saying inappropriate things to Deidara; is this true?" The Teacher asked, folding her hands and leaning in over the desk, ready to look for a lie.

"No, of course not." Itachi stated matter of factly with the utmost confidence. "I should not be blamed for this man's incompetence to educate and care for our dear sweet Deidara's emotional well being." Crossing their legs, Itachi sent Sasori a glare. "How this man has the gall to blame me, a child, for this is uncanny. I can only imagine how he spends his very days blaming Deidara for everything that could possibly go wrong in his life - as a possible escape route from reality perhaps?"

"Oh my dear Deidara," Itachi sighed, pulling the blond close for another hug. "I feel for your pain and agony."

Sasori stared at the kid with wide eyes. Damn she was smart. Definitely going to grow up to be a lesbian.

The grade one teacher narrowed her eyes and looked for any hint of lying. It didn't seem like Itachi was lying and Itachi was known to not be a liar. However she still had to heed Sasori's concerns a bit more. Turning to Deidara, she smiled and spoke in a happy-silly manner. "Deidara honey darling~ where did you get the silly idea the dentist pulls teeth to make jewelry?"

Deidara immediately responded to the happy tone by showing off the two separate gaps in his mouth where the two teeth had been. "I lost another toof, did you know that? Didja!?"

"Deidara~ pleasey please just answer my question."

Grumbling at the lack of attention she was giving his tooth, Deidara pointed to his friend. "Itachi did, un. She told me that the denatitius maded neckalaces and gave them to his special lady friends."

Teacher lady took a note of this before halting. She sat up and furrowed her brows. "Deidara, did you just refer to Itachi as a female?"

"Un?" Deidara grunted and looked at his friend who had instantly paled considerably. "Itachi is a girl? Right?"

"No, Itachi is a boy..."

Sasori couldn't help but smirk. There was no way this punk was a lesbian. This guy was going to grow up to be a great man. Very intelligent. Men are so smart.

Deidara on the other hand...

"Notta girl?" Deidara repeated in shock, glancing at the apparently other boy He shrunk back slightly with a whimper.

Itachi chewed his bottom lip and sent his friend a side glance. "Hn... That's right Deidara... I'm a boy. Sorry for not telling you sooner."

Sasori knew what was coming. He slowly counted to three as he stood up and scooped the little blond up out of the chair and into his arms, pressing the little face into his neck. As he got to four, it finally arrived, a waterfall of tears.

We all knew that Deidara could restock them. You go baby. You did it.

Gently bobbing the boy around, Sasori gave him a few soft pats on his lower back and bottom to soothe him. "Hush, shush. What's so wrong about having Itachi as a male friend - Did you maybe the idea of having a male playmate like Hidan and a female one like Itachi?" He asked quietly, pressing his lips to Deidara's temple.

Deidara just let out a couple more sobs. "N-no..." He finally started but never finished.

"Then?"

"I dunno."

Both adults in the room looked at each other with a disdained expression. Apparently neither of them appreciated that response as a reason to cry like this. However Sasori didn't want to yell at the boy. If Deidara didn't want be friends with that brat - great!

Looking back at his friend, Deidara pouted at him and produced a horrendous squeal of sadness. "Now I can be in an imitate regulation ship and I don't wanna!"

Itachi and the Teacher frowned in confusion. Imitate regulation ship? The heck is that?

"Khhrt, this just in, remember, khhrt, Deidara you can't." Sasori said, speaking into his pretend hand radion.

"But you saided that I can't loving girls cause I already Konan cause I'mma lovebug!"

"Khhrt, yes."

Crying even louder, Deidara pulled away not allowing Sasori to muffle this loud cry. "But Tachi is a boy and I'm not a lovebug to any boys! Now I hafta imitate regulation ship with him!"

Sasori frowned. Quickly he swung the boy down into a lounging position in his arms and snuggled him close. "That's not true. Deidara, I'm a boy, what do you think of me?"

Sniffling and groaning at the new position, Deidara had no option but to look his Danna in the eyes. Growing quieter, he pursed his lips and provided a little smile. "I think you're the best, Danna. My favorite."

Sasori stroked the little cheek and smiled. "And you're my most precious, most little, lovebug."

Well what the hell. He just made Deidara scream and cried all over again. Who knew saying something kind could destroy a child? Hearing something so kind from someone who is usually so cold sure is special though.

Throwing Deidara back into his neck he let the boy cry it out. Deidara could feel the love. "Now you are not obligated to be in a relationship with anyone. You're too good for them, my little lovebug." He said softly, patting his back. As the wails quieted, he then pointed to a tissue box behind the Teacher where she turned around to hand him one so he could clean up the child.

Sitting back down he sat Deidara snugly in his arms and held him close to comfort him. Leaning to the left his looked at Itachi with a calm expression. "I'm sorry Itachi. You may like Deidara a whole lot, but he is forbidden from dating anyone. He's not ready. However, Deidara has a birthday coming up and you are absolutely invited to attend."

Itachi sat there wide eyed. He had just watched the scene in horror. How dare this dummy steal his man! Deidara said he loved this guy! Impossible! Deidara was supposed to love him and him only!

Instead of throwing a hissy fit, Itachi cleared his throat and nodded his head stiffly. If Dummy wanted a fight for Deidara's affection; then so be it.

"Alright..." Itachi mumbled. "I accept your challenge. Give me an invite and I'll be there to fight you."

Sasori burst out laughing, moving Deidara to his other side so he would no longer be I between them. "Fight me?" He asked, still snickering. "I'm not fighting some punk kid."

"Those are fighting words, peasant."

"Danna, what a peasant, un? Are you getting me a present, Tachi!?

Unable to stand by any longer, Deidara's teacher finally spoke up in a displeased voice. "That's enough you two!" She shouted, pounding a hand on her desk. "Itachi, I expect better of you as a model student." She scowled at the little boy who had looked away in embarrassment. "And you Akasuna; you're an adult! I shouldn't have to say this: Don't pick fights with children!"

Sasori looked up in shock. "But I didn't! He wants to fight me!" He yelled in defense, pointing at the boy at fault.

"Enough!"

Scowling, Sasori stood up with Deidara still latched onto him, clinging for dear life. "I'm going now, go ahead and put Deidara in the speech therapy." He grumbled walking to the door. Looking back he moved his lips around and let his gaze linger on Itachi for a moment. "I will send an invite with Deidara for you at school tomorrow, Itachi. See you at the party."

"Bye bye, un!"

"I will see to it you die by my hands, Dummy."

* * *

I don't have any of the party written so who knows what the next one will be. maybe babydei wants to play in mud before then.. or something.. reminder that i dont agree with the crap sasori says. hes an idiot. bye losers!


	33. Birfday party

"Konan I swear you're a life saver." Sasori gasped out happily as he put down his end of the table, panting. "I can see why Deidara calls you his Wonder Woman."

"Sasori..." Konan started, looking at the sweating man. "Wow you are REALLY pathetic." She sneered as she rolled her eyes, mocking the little mans lack of strength as she also wiggled her arms like noddles in reference to his thin and weak limbs.

Sasori caught on to the mocking immediately but knew better than to pick a fight with her. That brat Itachi was coming over and had already made plans to end his life. That he knows because Deidara would come running out of class screaming that his Danna was going to die and that was the worst thing ever.

Oh how Deidara would scream. Snot everywhere. Danna was simply not allowed to die just yet. He is way too special. That and Deidara felt as if he hadn't spent enough of his time alive hugging the redhead. Keeping things short, the boy became an even more aggressive leech that would just not let go.

But what was up with Deidara's friends wanting to kill him? Hidan, Itachi... Konan included. Not mentioning every single female Deidara just so happened to meet.

The three of them, including Pain begrudgingly, had spent the morning decorating the house with streamers and various unrelated bird related items. At his age, Deidara didn't care if it matched; he only cared if it had birdies on it. More birds meant more fun.

However, as of lately, the child had an ever growing fascination with insects which Konan keenly kept an eye on. She had to make sure her lovebug loved her gifts. In her position, failure was simply not an option.

Sitting on the couch, Sasori took a break starting with a heavy sigh. He really hoped that Deidara would like his surprise party. Inwardly he was a little worried that the kid would cry from being startled. Knowing him, Sasori could be only so sure it was going to be a surprise itself to see the little tykes response.

Oh? Where is Deidara? Out and about with Kakuzu right now. Hidan was originally going to join them until Konan showed up and started talking about how he wouldn't be there to shout 'surprise!'. Now he was stuck watching the little brat.

Well, he really wasn't. Hidan had spent the day following around Konan like a little chick and was currently swooning over her strength and baking skills in the kitchen. Nothing else existed to him at the moment and Sasori was more than okay with that.

Even if that meant the woman was showing him up in every possible way... You go girl.

Sasori took another deep breath and glanced to the side to see the stack of gifts that had been bought. It was pretty impressive. A few packages were sent via mail by the boy's father, while another lump were purchased by Konan the bargain hunter. Sasori had also been given a allowance to spend on the child, but there were two gifts in particular he had bought with his own money that he really hoped Deidara would like.

A knock at the door alerted Sasori as no one was supposed to be arriving at this time, unless it was...

"Hello, Dummy."

Sasori narrowed his eyes at the boy as he answered the door. Deidara had a bad taste in picking his friends. Hidan was no prize pig either, but this one kid just really seemed to tick him off.

"Itachi! That's not nice at all!"

Looking up and over, Sasori finally noticed a woman holding a small child who must be a younger sibling, probably in kindergarten and not much younger than Deidara.

But wow! This woman was gorgeous! You would think having such a hot mom would cause Itachi to have higher standards rather than his pathetic swooning over someone like Deidara. Clearly that was not the case. Perhaps it was because the two of them had long hair and were both such brats that Itachi felt as if he could relate to the blond? Who knows.

"Sorry about that; my name is Mikoto Uchiha." The woman said extending the hand not being used to hold her other child who had snuggled in close to show his mother belonged to him.

It reminded him of how possessive Deidara would get of the Danna around new people. New people like women in particular. If only Deidara reacted like that around people who wanted to kill him, then he'd have a guard dog!

Sasori wasn't bothered by the remark in the first place. He had been called much worse. Shaking the hand, he smiled back at her. "It's quite alright, he's just a CHILD." He said making sure to sneer a bit at Itachi. "My name is Sasori Akasuna and I am Deidara's caretaker."

"Oh, isn't that sweet!" Mikoto laughed, moving the little boy to her other hip. It really put into perspective just how small Deidara was in comparison. "You're so young... I hope Deidara hasn't been too much of a handful for you. Any time you need a break you can send him right on over."

Sasori smiled at the gesture and thanked her whole heartedly. In reality he would rather leave Deidara alone with Hidan on the side of the road that was know to be ridden with coyotes, all to defend for themselves rather than let Itachi have a chance to be alone with his baby. Brat would probably try to kiss him again. Like hell that was happening!

If Sasori didn't get to kiss and date, like hell Deidara was getting any action! Not to mention Deidara had made it very clear he was not interested in the little weasel. That punk has made the little blond cry far too much with his 'feelings'.

Plus! He saw Deidara off this morning. Deidara wore his cute orange overalls today! And OH MAN did that kid look ever cute in his fun little overalls!

"Alright Itachi." Mikoto sighed as she kneeled on a level to talk to her son. "Use your cellphone to call us when you're ready to come home. Behave yourself and have fun."

"Yes mother-dear."

Kissing her sons smooth cheek, she stood up and took her leave. It appeared the smaller boy wasn't going to stay even though he and Deidara were closer in age than Itachi. Whatever. That was one less kid to take care of. Three hellions running around the house was more than enough.

And what was this thing about Itachi having a cellphone? Kids these days! TCH!

Sasori was kind of grateful Deidara didn't have anymore close friends. He didn't think he could handle any more. Less names he had to remember as well.

Holding up his gift, Itachi jerked it towards Sasori, gesturing to take it. "This is my gift for my sweet cherub." He said as Sasori took it. "I am most certain that Deidara will love my gift much more than yours. I am far more superior than in you in every possible way and that goes the same for my most superb gifts."

"I'm not so sure about that." Sasori chuckled. "I picked out something pretty great."

In reality Sasori was worried as hell about one of the two gifts. It was a long shot with it. Even though if it had a bird or insect on it things were bound to be good. This however caught his eye while shopping. Only someone who knows the child as much as he does would even think of getting something like this... Thing.

"You're going to meet your defeat today, Dummy. Then Deidara will be all mine and we can elope to the highest mountains, near the heavens where my darling originated from."

Sasori frowned and put his weight on one leg as he crossed his arms. "Itachi, you need to face it... Deidara is just not interested in you."

The little boy gasped in offense, raising a hand to his chest to ease his pain stricken heart. "No! He just is unaware of his undying affection for me! By the end of the day he will be singing from the rooftops over our love and passion for one another!"

"After an exciting day like today?" Sasori laughed. "Yeah, I can agree he'll being singing and won't shut up."

These past few days 'Happy Birthday to you' was on repeat. Sasori had even taken up the act of feeding the child excessively to stop the loud singing. Unfortunately the food would give him more energy to sing more; it was only after a certain amount of food that made the little blond sleepy.

That was a good time. When Deidara sleeps, Sasori sleeps.

Plus one cannot sleep with all that infernal racket.

Sasori took the box and placed it with the other gifts, only to have Itachi move if it to what he thought was a superior position. In all honesty, he did not think all these gifts were necessary. Deidara was not one to play with ALL his toys. A lot of them went forgotten. Anytime Deidara played with something new it was the left over of Sasori's. Bags, boxes, bubble wrap and styrofoam always made their way into a large mess.

Deidara would much rather pester Sasori alongside with Bard than play with a mountain of toys. That is to say he never played with them. It's just Sasori's torture prevailed over all.

"So Dummy, when is my treasure going to be arriving? I simply cannot await his arrival any longer."

Looking down at his phone, Sasori pursed his lips and took a deep breath. "He'll be back in maybe ten minutes? For now can you just, like, sit tight?"

Itachi narrowed his eyes at the older male and crinkled his nose. "Sit tight? How does one SIT TIGHT."

Sticking his head up from his comfortable lump on the floor, Pain burst out laughing scaring the child. "Oh snap! This kid here, I used to beat up smart mouths like him back when I was in primary." He said rolling onto his side. "Yeah, we'd hold the snot nosed brats down and slap their bellies till they turned red!"

Sasori groaned in distaste. "Ugh, I hated those kids."

"Yeah! Me too." Pain laughed again, patting his clothed belly.

"Not the so called 'snot noses brats', I mean kids like you!" Sasori sneered, grabbing a pillow and chucking it at his friend. "I got picked on relentlessly and I couldn't get help because they would just wail on me more."

"You were picked on too!?" Itachi gasped, becoming more interested in Sasori. "D-do you know why they bullied you?"

Sasori hummed in thought before sighing loudly. "Yeah, I was in the advanced reading and math group. That and I was kinda a loner so that made me an easy target."

Itachi gazed on with wider eyes. "So... You were in the advanced groups... Just like I am?"

Snickering, Sasori caught on. Itachi was beginning to look up to him! He was someone the kid could relate too. "Yeah, but back when I was younger I also had these ridiculous thick rimmed glasses with equally thick lenses. Now I can just get by wearing contacts."

"Wow.." Itachi mused with wonder and awe, making Sasori smile proudly. "All that, an intelligent, lonesome youth just like me... And here you are stuck being a nanny for a six year old. That's unfortunate, I feel quite bad for you now." He sighed sadly, patting Sasori's leg.

"Hey you brat! I am currently going to university majoring in art, art history and medicine!" Sasori defended himself, stepping foreword with a fist up, ready to fight. "It's not like I'm going to be a nanny forever!"

"Oh please! Even I know art and art history are a joke." Itachi sneered before laughing out loud. "At least you didn't top off that horrendous mess with a piddly degree in English literature."

"Why you little - "

Pain hopped up and grabbed his friend and he took another step foreword, just as Itachi did. "Whoa Sasori!" He yelled, yanking him back. "Kids can beat up other kids, but adults can't!"

Suddenly a quick honk alerted all three boys and Konan rushed out of the kitchen, Hidan following her with dreamy eyes. "Places everyone!" She hollered excitedly.

Hiding behind furniture, all three adults and both kids grew very quiet. Until, "Oh hey Tachi, nice to see you. This big woman in mine." Hidan grumbled, yanking Konan's arm for a hug. "You continue to be gay for Deidara."

Sasori glared down at the platinum blond. "You knew Itachi was a boy!?" He hissed. "Why didn't you correct Deidara!"

Snickering Hidan nudged Sasori and then hit Itachi. "It was really funny having everyone here think Itachi was a girl. Besides, I don't want to deal with a crybaby Dei."

"Why you little -"

Sasori was cut off with the little sounds of Deidara squealing who knows what outside the door. Poor Kakuzu. Making a loud shushing noise, he got the other four people quiet down.

The front door swung open with the boy hollering about why they needed to use the front door when they usually used the back one. "Like, the front door using is just weird, un. Only the mail lady uses the front door. Did you know the mail lady has seen Danna's squiggly pee maker?"

Kakuzu rubbed his face with the palm of his hand. He really wasn't going to question why the mail lady had seen the redheads private area. "Jashin hell, just go up the stairs."

"Okay righty."

Hopping up the stairs, Deidara rounded the corner to dash onto his spot on the couch. That is until...

"Surprise!"

Deidara shrieked loudly and fell back onto his bottom. Staring at his friends momentarily, Deidara turned and booked it down the hallway in the opposite direction.

Sasori sighed loudly and chased after the boy who had ran to his bedroom. There the boy sat clawing for Bard who was sitting on his bed. "Deidara!" He called out, yanking him up into his arms. "Why did you run away?"

Taking a few long sniffs at Bard, Deidara turned towards his Danna. "You all really scared me. I need Bard to make calm again."

"So... Are you calm?" He asked, swinging the little blond side to side.

Deidara inhaled Bard once more, a little less shaky this time. "Un, I am much better. Bard is my oxygen."

Breathing Bard? That didn't even bother Sasori. "So...we can go back to the living room?" He asked, jostling Deidara around a bit, tapping his lower back in the process.

"Un."

Stepping back into the living room, the two were greeted with cheers and smiles. Konan even took charge in taking the boy away from Sasori.

"Guess what my lovebug gets on his sixth birthday."

This caught Deidara's little ears. "What!?" He cried, reaching for his favorite gal.

"Six big birthday kisses!" She cried loudly, giving him the six big smooches.

Hidan glared at his friend in jealously while Itachi glared at the woman in jealousy. Deidara didn't do much other than smile away. This was great! Sasori was apathetic as he moved out of the kids away. Like hell he was getting in a rumble with these three morons.

"Look at all the prezzies!" Deidara Squealed in delight, as he squirmed out of Konan's arms and down to the floor. "Prezzy presents, un!" He cried running over to them but not touching them. "Why are there so many? You guys have no money! Univartitty kids don't have money!" He said accusingly looking back at the adults with furrowed brows.

"Your dad sent some gifts." Sasori mentioned as he took his place back on the couch.

Face turning into a frown, Deidara plopped himself onto the floor. "But is my daddy here?"

Sasori shook his head and moved over so he was sitting by the child. "No sorry, your dad is still away at work."

"Awe!" Deidara groaned, throwing himself at Sasori for a consoling hug. For who? Who knows. "I guess we'll just hafta have snuggles tonight to make up for the computer-sensations." He grumbled with his bottom lip sticking out and eyebrows furrowed.

He was sad his Daddy wouldn't be there to celebrate his sixth birthday, but at least he could snuggle his Danna's brains out. There was also part of him that thought his Danna was sad his Daddy wasn't back for his visit yet. Danna looked like he needed a vacation from who knows what.

"Deidara, baby?" Sasori asked, grabbed each side of his plump face.

Pulling out of his inner thoughts, Deidara looked up with pure affection. "Yes Danna-blabba?"

Sasori took a deep breath. He needed to know the truth. "Do you mean compensation?" He asked, cringing a little as he awaited Deidara's response.

"Maybe?" Deidara questioned not anyone in particular. "Itachi, what do you think? You're super duper smart."

"You know what Deidara?" Itachi sighed, leaning foreword on his knees. "I think you did mean compensation. It was a honest mistake. Not to worry though, I'm sure Dummy here has made far worse ones."

Sasori scowled. "Hey you. Rude."

"Hey you!" Itachi repeated. "At least I didn't make Deidara cry."

Perhaps now that Deidara was six, he would think of himself too old to cry. Ha - fat chance. Although, maybe just the end to crying over being corrected.

There wasn't a person in who wasn't looking forward to that day.

-x-

Konan laughed as she joined the three children in their games. They made crafts and ate candy, ran around outside for some fresh air, and came back in to play more party games. AND...

"Who wants cake~" Konan called as she came out over from the counter with a decorative blue cake.

If I really have to tell you what the icing picture that was imprinted on it was, that's sad. You really should know the lovebug enough by now to know what the boy is infatuated with.

"Birdy cake!" Deidara screamed as he hopped into a standing position, leaning over the table. He inched on closer until Kakuzu grabbed at him to return him to a civilized seating position before taking his own seat by Hidan; Who had nothing but praise for Konan's incredible baking and decorating skills. She was truly an artist.

I mean come on! The napkins were folded into swans! Swans! SWANS MADE OF PAPER!

"Happy birthday, Dei!"

"Happy birthday, mon Cherie!"

"Happy birthday."

"Happy birthday, my lovey-lovebug!"

Grasping at Deidara's hand, Sasori gave it a squeeze. "Happy sixth birthday."

Squealing, Deidara hopped up again and blew out his six little candles, plus the large six shaped one in the centre. Blowing out all the candles in one mighty blow, he received a round of applause from his friends that made his squeal even louder in the utmost delight.

He threw himself at Sasori and pressed his face into the neck to contain a small portion of his happiness. Which Sasori responded with some soothing back pats plus rubbing. His favorite.

As they ate their cake and a scoop of ice cream, not one child didn't have blue icing around their lips. That's not saying much because Pain too had icing on a few too many places at well.

"Jeeze, I can believe you got some on your shirt!" Konan hissed as she dabbed at the blue splotch in the centre of Pains chest; while he still ate.

"Wah, wah... Me baby. Me need six kissies too." He pouted as he sent his girlfriend a pucker.

Konan stared at the specks of blue in the corners of his mouth and sighed. She guess she might as well clean that too. With the cloth I might add. Sasori had told her about Itachi prior and how most forms of PDA would need to be refrained.

That kid didn't need any new ideas or encouragement and she already spent her allowed six kisses.

The last thing Sasori wanted to hear was a nasally and whiny, "That woman KONAN was doing ever so much kissing! So that means in all fairness that I should be able to place the most tender of kisses upon my darling." from Itachi.

Also he couldn't imagine the wrath of Konan after she'd hear Deidara asking about LOVE and ROMANCE and DATING and the PUBERTIES. Deidara was a lovebug, a BABY for goodness sake. Like hell he was going to date an older male.

Even if he was turning six today, he's still a baby.

Looking directly across the table where Deidara sat, he smiled a bit at the blue strand in the hair that always fell in his face. Standing up, he walked to the bathroom and returned with a clip to hold the hair back.

"Thank you Danna!" Deidara cheered, showing off his blue toothy smile.

Three teeth were gone now and a little speck of white was emerging from the first gap. Sasori stuck out his bottom lip at the sight. His baby was growing up so fast.

"Ah'dun!"

"All gone!"

"I am finished with my cake and would not appreciate another piece."

Sasori and Pain scowled at the little show off AKA Itachi who finished eating last. Both stood up to take care of the dishes while Konan and Kakuzu cleaned the little lovies, but not before Sasori yanked the plastic plate away from Deidara who was happily licking off every smear of icing - getting it on his forehead, chin and nose now.

-x-

"And a scrubby wubby for my special little helper for the day." Konan said lovingly, cleaning the blue from around his lips and cheeks.

Elsewhere in the bathroom, Kakuzu assisted Itachi even though he said he was fine on his own - when in all reality he certainly did need a bit of help here and there.

Finally, Deidara washed his hands in the sink as he awaited his turn from one of the young adults. "Me now!" He laughed as he climbed off his footstool. Producing a big smile, he scrunched he face and held his breath, ready for a good cleaning.

Hidan laughed at his friends goofy face and thanked Konan before stepping aside.

Accepting the little thank you, she looked at Deidara with furrowed brows. "Why are you making that face?" She asked, moving her body to the sink to rinse out the dirty blue facecloth, back to it's original clean white with a red airplane.

Deidara started to breathe again but only opened one eye. "When Danna washes my face he goes WUGGA WUGGA WUGH."

Both adults turned to the small boy. "Wugga wugga wugh?"

"Yeah!" Taking the cloth from Konan as she got nearer he waved Itachi over - to which he immediately responded to. "WUGGA WUGGA WUGH!" He shrieked as he smeared the wet cloth roughly all over his friends face, momentarily suffocating him.

"Blegh!" Itachi cried, but the wugga-ing didn't stop.

"Wugga-un!"

Removing the cloth, Itachi was left with a scrunched face and eyes closed.

"That you guys, is how you do the wugga." Deidara stated proudly as he handed the woman back her washcloth.

Konan nodded and retook her place to wipe Deidara's face - a little more gently that how he demonstrated though. "I understand now, love bug." She nodded lovingly, getting the blue stuck in the inner corners of his house. "I now understand your Danna is an impatient ditz."

"Impashen dits?" Deidara asked back with a wide smile, just to make sure he heard correctly.

"You betcha."

* * *

birthday party needed to be split into two parts. hopefull the second part won't take a month to update hahahhaha


	34. Birfday party pt 2

The four adults watched on in fondness, relaxing on the back porch as the three boys played with the bucket of new chalk that Sasori had picked up for the special day. He recalled having fond memories with the toy, so why wouldn't the newer and younger generation?

Indeed it was a hoot. Hidan made traced outlines of everyone at the party and claimed it was a murder scene, while Itachi drew ravens and love portrait featuring his favorite blond. Deidara on the other hand drew all his potato friends flying on the back of a giant, white, majestic bird. All clad in matching green jackets with pink dots.

But what happened before this? Weren't we inside just earlier? Well...

-x-

"For the first gift we need to step outside!" Sasori hollered as he stood in front of the party guests, picking up the box of chalk in the process.

"We're opening gifts now?" Pain asked, more than ready to get to start what would be the finale of this dreadful day. Hidan seemed to look for him while playing with the piñata. Like he wanted to beat him with the stick! Yeah, he certainly had had enough of the three monsters and... not just Hidan, but something about this Kakuzu was off.

The guy sure had a knack of getting him to bet away his money.

"Not quite yet, we are going to do the one..." Sasori trailed off as he looked at the cue card he and Konan and written up before hand. Since neither had hosted a little boys' birthday party, they had done the research of what exactly entails it. If only the children would let them stick to the schedule.

Stepping out onto the porch, Sasori led the gang out and down the steps to the backyard. There sat a lump covered in a tarp.

"What's that!?" Deidara yelled, running up to it with Hidan and Itachi on his heels, just as curious. None of them touched it though which was a shocker.

Sasori strolled up behind him and grabbed his boy's shoulders. "That's a gift from your father." He said, giving Deidara a gentle squeeze. "Go ahead and move the tarp."

Giggling, Deidara had the help from Hidan as they yanked the blue tarp away. The boys moaned in awe at the sight.

"Wow, Dei!" Hidan yelled, jumping excitedly. "You got a big boy bike!"

Deidara stepped back as he admired the big bike that had no training wheels. In reality the bike wasn't that big. The seat was adjustable so it would grow along with the blond. However this one had absolutely no place for the tricycle tires the little tyke so thoroughly depended on.

"But we can put on the training wheels." Deidara stated, looking at the back tires and then up to his Danna. "You can put them on this bike, yeah?"

"No." Sasori sighed, squatting next to the boy. "This bike has no room for training wheels."

"But then how am I supposda ride it, un?"

Konan laughed lightly, each one a whisp of beauty of its own. "You're just going to have to learn!" She said resting her hand on his back. "Sometime soon you're going to learn how to ride a big boy bike."

"Un... no baby bikes acause I'm not a baby?" Deidara asked, each word getting more higher and more panicked. "I'm not a baby cause I'm six an not five!?"

Groaning at the sight of her sad lovebug, Konan reached to swaddle him. To soothe his fearful heart.

Too bad she got beat there.

"Oh Deidara, it's okay." Sasori cooed, scooping Deidara up and rocking him back and forth. "This is just for you to learn a cool new skill! You're going to love riding your new bike all by yourself."

"Really?"

"Really."

Deidara grinned, showing off a toothy smile before lunging in for a hug. "Thank you Danna! You're the best!"

While Sasori soaked up the little blonds love, Konan seethed. The thing is she didn't seethe alone. Itachi fumed alongside her.

That gift wasn't even from Sasori and here he was soaking up every little bit of Deidara's affection. The nerve of some people!

"Ahem, Pain."

Hearing his name being called, Pain glanced over to see Kakuzu discreetly trying to get his attention. "Uh, yeah?"

"How much you want to bet it takes another two years before Deidara actually learns how to ride that new bike?"

-x-

"Okay kids!" Sasori called out as he returned from indoors with a bucket of warm water and a washcloth. "Rinse your hands and let's open the last of the presents!"

Squealing, all three boys dashed to the the bucket and cleaned their hands of the remnants of chalk.

"Dust your knees and bums too!" Kakuzu added, grabbing Hidan's elbow and patting his behind clean from the dirt the boy was bound to leave behind.

The last thing he wanted was Sasori to charge him a cleaning bill for anything and everything Hidan would sit on.

"Am I all clean, un?" Deidara asked, showing off his rump to Konan who was instead busy getting chalk off his face.

He had done a pretty good job, but Konan was not about to pass up a chance to give that tush a little tap. Not to mention Sasori had gotten really good at dressing the kid. The colours went, the clothing fit properly and he just looked so cute!

"Awe honey, you're perfect."

All three boys had a drink of fruit punch and caught their breaths after having fun outdoors. Now it was time for the birthday boy to open the rest of his gifts!

Sitting on the rug in the living room, Konan and Sasori brought the gifts to the coffee table placed in the centre. Or rather where it was usually placed in the centre if it weren't for Deidara complaining about it being in his play way everyday. So in reality it was always pushed up against a wall in the living room.

As Pain carried Itachi's gift, said child hollered at the older male in horror. "Excuse me! You caveman handed brute, do please treat your own gifts to our dear Blessing in such a tussle and bustle kind of manner and not with mine. My most perfect gift needs the utmost care when being carried, lest it break!"

Pain stared at the boy, overly tempted to now drop kick the stupid thing. Thinking back on his words to Sasori, kids fight other kids; and he was no kid. He was a man! Heck, he had a girlfriend! He was the superior creature!

He was not a caveman!

Although if we're being honest here, if Deidara really wanted one, he too could have a girl-boyfriend. Deidara was no adult. Who really was the higher up creature on this evolutionary scale.

"Yeah yeah..." He grumbled, making his carrying of the light box a little more dramatic as he tried to show the boy he was carrying it carefully. "Blessing my ass."

"Ass..."

Pain looked up to see Hidan staring at him with wide eyes.

"Ass..." Hidan repeated with a hint of giddiness.

"Hey kid, no." Pain hissed, looking at Konan and Kakuzu in fear of either one of them beating him. "Don't repeat what a said, sheesh." He begged.

"Ass..."

"No! Psst - no shh!"

"HEY EVERY BUDDY, ASS ASS ASS!"

"Agh!"

-x-

Handing her box over the boy Konan pinched his cheek and caresses the underside of his chin. "Here you are lovebug." She spoke, slowly backing off. "This is my gift to you."

Deidara looked up with a smile from ear to ear. He had already gotten the bike, some new racecars, blocks to replace the ones he chewed up and twenty dollar bill to spend on whatever he wanted from his father. It was now time to see what his friends had picked out for him.

The blond ripped at the red paper with his grubby fingers, tearing to get the prize inside as fast as possible. Moving to lift the top of the box, Konan ripped out her camera to take a photo of her lovebugs reaction.

"Boots?"

Deidara looked at the red and black boots momentarily. Honestly it wasn't that great of a gift. Usually Konan gave great gifts! This however was...

"Oh oh! They're buggy boots, un!"

Gasping excitedly, Deidara threw his legs out from underneath himself and put them high in the air so he could try them on right away.

"Buggies are so good! Like duckies, buggies are good! These are lady bugs so they're good boots!"

Konan happily snapped some photos and even stopped to take a quick video at the six year olds reaction to the colourful boots. These were definitely a lot more fun than the white and pink floral ones he had been sporting prior.

Oh how Sasori hated those boots.

Oh how he would get hassled by the other parents.

Oh how they should just mind their own business and let the child wear his boots and play in the puddles in peace.

"You see why I got you these boots?" She asked excitedly.

"No!?"

Laughing, she tugged the boy in for another hug. "I picked out the lady bug boots cause you're my little lovebug!"

Gasping in excitement, Deidara lunged at her this time. Lovebug he did certainly understand.

"Mine and Kuzu's gift now!" Hidan shrieked as he tried to destroy their loving hug. Handing Deidara the box he grinned in excitement. It was hard picking a gift as it proved to be difficult because everything was too expensive for the blond.

"Let Sasori buy it for him." Kakuzu would say. "Deidara doesn't need a thousand dollar jetski." Kakuzu would say.

Alright, fine!

Deidara clawed at this box too. Opening it earned him ten new books, each one different and all about birds and other miscellaneous fun things. What caught Sasori's eye was the fact none were in pristine condition. He would only assume they were purchased at a thrift store for around fifty cents each.

"Ooh! Books about birdies! Danna look! Birdies! And this one has a dragon, un!"

Picking up a book, Sasori nodded his head at a price tag that was left on, only to be covered with a sticker. Easily picking one end of the sticker he spotted the price tag of a local thrift store. Ahh, so his hunch was correct.

"Yeah would you look at that... Make sure you say thank you to Hidan and Kakuzu."

"Thank you Hidan! Thankya Cookie-zoo!" Deidara chimed far too loudly for anyone's liking. "Can I open one of Danna's gifts, un?" He then asked, just as Itachi was inching closer with his own present.

That made him snarl. This buffoon before him? Yeah right! He -

"Yeah, of course Dei... Here." Sasori said handing him a good sized box. "Just do your best and don't eat this, okay?"

Ripping the wrapping paper open, Deidara giggled and nodded at the same time. He looked crazy, but he also looked as if he was having fun. "Okay Danna!"

He practically sang while going at the box now. "Let's see what is in here! Un?"

Deidara froze at the weird sight. It was a bagged block of white-ish gray stuff. Looking up with sad eyes, the boy stuck out his bottom lip. "I don't get it."

Itachi snickered at this. "Did you hear that you guys? Deidara fails to understand what the thing is Sasori gave him! Sasori failed to provide for our beloved lamb."

Sasori grunted in response to that jab. Leaning over he pulled Deidara into his lap so they could inspect the gift together. "This here... This is clay, Deidara." He said pulling the plastic bag holding the glob out. "This is like playdough, but once it's fired you can keep it forever."

This was definitely beginning to peak at his interest. "So it's fancy dough?"

"Exactly! Deidara, this is what the real artists use."

Deidara gasped in delight. A real artist he says? Deidara wanted to be a real artist! Well, that or the richest man in the world who owned spaceship or a fantastic guy who made birds and dragons and bugs that were actually super cool fireworks. AND DANNA LOVED THEM.

Come on though, we all know that ain't happening until a long time into the future. That or in an alternate universe.

"Wow Danna, this is great!" Deidara laughed, pulling the older male into a bear hug. "I love it!"

Everyone clapped at the gift and how happy in made the blond. Everyone except one person - Itachi. His eyes nearly rolled behind his head, but he managed to keep his cool. He had an image to uphold. "Here Deidara." He said carefully handing his friend his own gift. "This one is from me. Handle it with the utmost care."

Deidara nodded rapidly and did as he was told in opening it carefully.

"I recalled you talking about how you liked insects. I also recalled that story about how your...caretaker here didn't particularly like spiders." Itachi spoke sweetly, sending Sasori an eerie glare.

Yeah, Sasori didn't like the sound of that last part.

"Ah!" Deidara yelped as he opened the wrapping.

Yeah, he wasn't the only one to yelp. Sasori also physically jump back a good couple feet after he saw what exactly this gift was. Good thing he wasn't the only one to jump back. Hidan lept into Kakuzu arms in fright.

"You got my lovebug a tarantula!?" Konan gasped as she leaned into the small tank that held the eight legged creepy crawly. Unlike Hidan and Sasori, she was definitely not afraid of this.

Itachi nodded proudly at the fact he managed to make Sasori break out into a sweat. Looking over at his little darling he could see the focused gaze in his eyes as he too looked at the big hairy spider. "Well Deidara? What do you think of owning your very own personal spider?"

Deidara looked at the arachnid a little longer. He had to admit it was cool to look at in picture books, but to have something so big in his house? And why couldn't he have gotten a bird instead if a friend was getting him a pet? Birds were still a hundred times better! He wanted seven of them!

"Un, I can't keep this."

Itachi went wide eyed at the outright denial of his gift. "Excuse me? Just why can you not keep it?"

Leaning into Sasori who looked far from happy at the gift. "Danna doesn't like spiders. Spiders makes him yell and run away and super sad."

"Uh, yes? So what!"

"Danna doesn't make me eat aspergis and bussle spouts no more if I kill ALL the spiders cause of our deal. If I keep this spider Danna will be soo sad and I will have to eat the yucky aspergises, un."

Pain snorted as he looked at Sasori. "Dude, you make a baby kill spiders for you? Lame!"

Taking a swift hit at her boyfriend, Konan grunted. "So it's not lame when I kill the spiders for you?" She hissed quietly, not happy he was setting a bad example for the children in the room. Especially for her new baby, Hidan, who earlier in the day made it known he was scared of spiders.

He told her his super secret! Even though it was far from a secret now that everyone saw him leap into Kakuzu's arms.

Nonetheless! There was no way Pain was going to make Hidan feel insignificant for being scared of a creepy crawly. He had already gotten the boy to scream a cuss - sheesh.

"So Pain is good with spiders?" Deidara asked looking up at the grown up who was nursing his ribs.

"Yeah! I'm totally not a wuss when it ouch! Konan don't pinch me!"

Deidara's eyes went wide. Picking up the plastic container, he handed it to Pain. "Here you go then! I can't have this in the house, but you can and then I can come over and see it when I see Konan!"

Pain's jaw went a little slack. There was no way he wanted this furry demon in his apartment!

Snickering, Konan reached out the the container instead and smiled at the spider. "Sure Deidara, we can keep it in our bedroom. I have a space for it right on the dresser."

"Our bedroom?" He stuttered in disbelief that his girlfriend could actually want to do this to him. "A-and the dresser is on MY half of the room!"

"So? Is my big strong boyfriend really that scared of a wee lil spider~"

"No!"

"Okay! then It will stay at your place!" Sasori hollered, finishing the transaction of giving the bug to both Konan and Pain.

"Un... And you won't kill it?"

"Oh lovebug, of course not!"

Deidara giggled loudly and pulled the older woman down by the ears for a kiss. "Thank you Konan! You're the bestest, un!" He said kissing both her cheeks.

Adjacent from this, Itachi sat there slack jawed. His gift was given away and now his darling was thanking someone else!?

"Hey kid."

Looking over he caught Sasori trying to talk to him again. The same Sasori who was the reason his gift couldn't stay with Deidara.

Although he picked the gift just to tick the guy off.

"What do YOU want?"

"As I said before... Sometimes you just gotta know when to give up." Sasori sighed as Deidara crawled back over to him like a spider, making himself comfy.

It was just...

Deidara suddenly burst out laughing after he said that. "Y'know Danna, that's somethin somethin to say when you don't give up on annoying the nice girls, un."

"Deidara?"

"Un!"

"Be quiet."

* * *

hi long time no see. next updates will be sooner yay


	35. Birfday ending

Tucking Deidara into bed proved to be easier that Sasori could have ever hoped for. The day certainly wiped the six year old of all his energy and that made Sasori more than happy. Droopy eyelids while reading were always a good thing.

"And the dragon blew a mighty gust, proving once and for all that he was the true king of wind. The end."

Deidara chewed his right hand as he snuggled into his Danna's chest, Bard securely pressed under his chin. "Wowwa Dnna - "

"Fist out of your mouth please."

"Wow Danna," Deidara repeated, wiping his sopping wet hand onto Sasori so it was somewhat dry. "That was a super book. Kakuzu and Hidan picked out a real good one!"

Sasori chuckled as he closed the book up, glancing at the well done cover art. "Yeah, I actually enjoyed this one too."

Sure was a change up from the usual bird stories.

"Can we read it again, un?"

Sasori snorted. "Absolutely not, It's time for bed."

"Hnm... Oki. I love the dragon though... in the story...Dragons are so the coolest."

Sasori sighed at Deidara nodding off. However, peeling himself from underneath the boy didn't go without a wailing whine as his heating bag and pillow was leaving him.

"Don't worry Deidara, I will be right back." Sasori reassured him as he looked back from the doorway at the child to couldn't help but rub their sleepy eyes.

Just as he said, in an instant Sasori was back with a little baggy with tissue paper sticking up from it.

Looking at the bag made Deidara's sleepy eyes widen just a little bit in excitement. "Another present?" He asked putting Bard aside so he could focus all his attention on the gift bag.

"I didn't want to give you two gifts in front of Konan since the rule we agreed to was one each." Sasori started, placing the bag in Deidara's little hands. Inwardly he also snickered at the idea of being the cool adult. "But I picked this up last minute because it just made me think of you so much... It's a bit of a gamble though, but I do hope you like it."

Deidara nodded rapidly and in an instant was digging through the tissue paper to feel something very soft. Pulling it out he was greeted with something red and almost curly... Two angry yet dull gazing eyes, a pointed but soft beak, two floppy legs as well as wings.

"It's a birdie doll, un!"

Glancing to his left, Deidara scooped up Bard with a huge smile. "This birdie looks like Bard but not like Bard!"

Bard in comparison had straighter wings and a rounder beak, as well as an even duller gaze. So vapid... Not to mention Bard wasn't vibrant red but rather a bright blue.

Deidara couldn't keep his eyes off the new and incredible doll. Which in Sasori's mind was just as horrendously ugly as Bard was; which ultimately caught his attention in the first place. He was just worried the boy would find the new toy ugly and undesirable since he had no previous affection towards it to mask its... Just plain ol' ugliness.

It's not like this toy was given to him from someone meaningful or anything.

"My new birdie needs a name!"

Sasori smiled at how excited Deidara appeared, even through his tired eyes. Things were looking good!

"Well, how about - "

Cutting his Danna right off, Deidara raised his hand and smucked the guy right in the lips. "BIRB." He stated very loud and proud.

On the other end, Sasori didn't fight the hand pressed against his mouth. "Birb?" He repeated against the hand, making sure he got the name down of the new thing Deidara might dote on... And ultimately scream for if it went missing for too long.

Removing his hand from Sasori's face, Deidara scooped up both plush toys in a big hug. "Yes! The blue one is Bard, and the red one is Birb!"

"Let's hope I can remember that..." Sasori sighed scratching his head.

He'd rather not make a mistake and have the little boy lecture him on how not knowing his darling bird's name was offensive. It was bad enough both names were so similar.

Deidara swooned over his new doll. "Danna thank you so much! I love them!"

"Oh, well I'm glad you love them and - "

"Kiss for Danna!" Deidara cried before he lunged himself at the older male, missing his aim a bit planting a big wet kiss on his lips. "Now I can sleep super good with two super special birdy friends!"

Missing that aim wasn't a big deal for Deidara though.

Flopping down into his bed, the last bit of his energy drained out of him in an instant. Both birds pressed under his chin, Deidara snuggled in with a heavy sigh, "Night night... Danna... Love you...so much." He mumbled, falling asleep almost instantly; fist stuffed back into his mouth.

Sasori sat there wide eyed at the edge of the bed, still absorbing what was his first actual kiss. Not counting the kisses from his Granny. Raising his hand, he cringed as he wiped the messy kiss off with the back of his hand and slid off the bed, making sure to also raise the safety rail.

Picking up the garbage from the gift he held them tightly in one hand. "Uh... Um... N-night Deidara..." He finally stuttered out, leaning foreword to give the boy his usual goodnight kiss on the head.

Turning off the lamp, he then exited the little boys bedroom and walked to his own where he flopped down onto his bed with a heavy and shaky sigh.

"Thank goodness there is only one of these a year..." He groaned, kicking off his socks and rolling into bed. Getting out his electronic book, he read for a couple minutes, pursing and pressing his lips uncomfortably. "Man, I should have stuck to the one gift limit... At least he really liked it." He muttered, thinking back to how it was the second gift that earned him the over joyed, big kiss from the little boy.

Over joyed little boy... Sasori smiled against the electronic as he recalled the child's stupid little face bursting into pure happiness over a stupid bird toy.

Closing his eyes he recalled the feeling that burst in his stomach when he saw Birb. It just seemed so perfect... Something that even if Deidara didn't need it, he just had to have that very instant! Even if he broke the one gift rule.

What a feeling though... It was hard to explain this swelling in his chest.

"What a cheeky little brat."

* * *

cute extra ending to the whole babydei birthday. psst he loves the baby. you all are great. bye losers!


	36. Doctor

Sasori was being sneaky this morning. He had this all planned out two weeks ago, even before the little scamps birthday, and it was finally time to take action. Honestly, he was worried out of his brains that this could end up being the worst day of his life. Sure he had had plenty of bad days that could be considered the worst, but Deidara liked to prove that what he considered "worst" wasn't even the worst of it all!

"School school school! I love school!"

Sasori eyed up the shirtless boy sitting at the table happily eating his breakfast being completely unaware of what was to come. Sneaky. Oh yes, he had to be sneaky...

"Oop! I better hurry up or I'll be late for school, un!"

Sneaky...

Deidara gulped down the leftover sugary milk from his cereal and nearly fell off the chair as he ran into his room to finish getting dressed. "Finish" because he considered taking his pajama shirt and socks off as "starting". At least the child had been calm enough to let the older go at brushing his ever growing hair while he ate - even though that proved to be a deadly chore of its own.

Ouchie hair brushing aside, Deidara was ready to have a wonderful day! The birdies were singing and the sun was shining! The weather was just beginning to warm up so that meant it would be getting more and more wonderful. It was just great to be alive.

My what a lovely day in May.

"Hey Dei, I got your bag ready." Sasori said slowly popping his head into the door to inspect the child's outfit. If it were up to Deidara, he'd wear something ridiculous like his Halloween costume, dirty clothes or even the same bird shirt he'd been wearing for the past week.

"Oki Danna, un." Deidara chirped back putting the now , thanks to yesterdays dinner, dirty bird shirt on.

"How about something else?" Sasori suggested walking to the blonds closet and having a quick look through it. "Ohhh, blue! You like blue!"

Deidara threw his hands in the air exasperated. "No!"

"Red? I KNOW you like red."

Deidara threw himself onto the floor this time. "Nooo!"

Sasori rolled his eyes as he quickly gave up. They still had plans this morning that needed to be taken care of. Sneaky plans.

"This is what you're wearing." He grumbled ripping the dirty shirt off the boy and taking it to the laundry room. When he came back he saw Deidara looking sadly at the long sleeve tee his Danna had picked out for him.

That wouldn't work on him though.

Sasori just grunted and put it on him. Today was going to be tough and he'd be damned if it became "The day Deidara wanted to wear a bird shirt". He had already made plans and they were going to happen!

"Alright let's get in the car." Sasori sighed with a whistle, opening the front door. The easy part was done; getting Deidara to leave the house.

Now for the real hard part.

As they drove in the car and they pulled up the school. Sasori twisted the steering wheel cover nervously making squeaking noises. Turning back, he asked they wait in the car a moment. Deidara, excited to go to school, reluctantly agreed but did so without any complaint.

It was when they pulled away that he got vocal. "Where we goin!? School is back there, back there! Ahh!"

"I... forgot your lunch on the table."

Deidara blinked, reaching to his right he struggled to look in his bag and by golly it wasn't there! Thanks to Danna he was going to be late! Wait... Danna hates late. Danna likes to make sure every little thing is perfect. Why is he so calm? How did he even know it was forgotten at home? Why is the car not going in the direction of home!?

"Danna! Where are we going, un?"

"Somewhere fun."

Deidara squinted his eyes now. Danna never had fun. He was like, the most unfun guy on the planet - maybe the universe! He still managed to be great in Deidara's eyes, don't get me wrong, however he knew about the guy well enough to know when something was up.

"Am I dyin?"

"No."

"Are you dyin?"

Sasori sighed and grumbled quietly, "A more little everyday."

"Huh!?" Deidara looked at the building and paled a little. He knew this place and was already far from happy. Danna pulled him out of amazing-fun-school and took him to the doctors! They were probably going to give him a shot!

"Nooo!" Deidara cried raising his arms and bending his body to push himself out of his carseat. "Not this place, un!"

Sasori was quick to get out of the car and drag Deidara out of it. This was happening if he liked it or not! What was scary about the doctors anyway? They check you out and give you a sticker at the end! Well, Sasori knew for a fact Deidara was getting a shot today, so yes there was that too. Really though, this was no biggie! Deidara just had to stop being a big baby.

"Waaah!" Deidara sobbed in Sasori's arms (and ears) all the way from the car to inside the building. Every step closer to the front door a new body part would move. Kicking, scratching, head thrashing and so on and so forth; Deidara took part in it all.

"Deidara for gods sake! You're six now and no longer a baby." He hissed before he opened the office door with his hip, hoping that would encourage the lad to quiet down.

Perhaps an audience would quiet his riot.

Entering the pediatric office, Sasori looked to the corner of the room to see a play table and a shelf with children's books and drawing table. He made sure to point it out to the blond that he could play there after they checked in with the receptionist.

"Katsuya Deidara is here." He muttered shifting the boy to his other hip. Deidara may be small for his age, but that didn't mean he wasn't getting bigger. That and Sasori doesn't have muscles.

The receptionist looked at her screen, pressed a few keys and smiled. "You'll be called shortly! Please take a seat."

Now just whimpering, Deidara was placed down and he ran immediately to the toys and the other children. Sasori followed sighing. He didn't pick up a magazine or take out his phone, he instead just watched Deidara play as he mentally prepared himself for what was to come next.

Looking as his wrist he could see the darkening pink scratches Deidara had marred on his pasty white flesh during the struggle to get here.

"Deidara?" A nurse called from the door leading to the doctors room. Sasori swallowed harshly. Finally, it was beginning.

The two of them sat quietly in the doctors office for only a couple minutes before the doctor walked in. She was a tall, curvy as hell, and pretty. Maybe in her mid-late thirties? Sasori didn't mind though, she was fiiine. Perhaps she was single?

"Hello my name Dr. Tsunade, I was told by Mr. Katsuya prior that Deidara here was getting a caretaker while he was away." She looked at her clip board and then at the boy that had quickly curled up on Sasori's lap in an attempt to hide. "Let's get this over with, shall we?"

Quick and to the point eh? Sasori liked that in a woman. He also had a hunch she had dealt with enough kids to become to immune to Deidara's charms or weird antics. Hot.

She looked in his mouth and eyes, checked his blood pressure and reflexes. Nothing out of the ordinary was detected. Still Sasori had a question though.

"Why is he so small? I've seen his classmates and they're all so much taller... and bigger than he is."

Dr. Tsunade nodded at his words and got to checking his height and weight. "Without a doubt he's smaller than average, but that's nothing to be too concerned about." She sighed out noting some things on her chart. As she looked up though, she frowned.

Sasori caught the frown and looked down to where it was aimed. Yes, Deidara who was playing with a model of a brain instead of putting his rain boots back on. "R-really? He's six and not much bigger than a three year old!"

Rolling her eyes at him, she carried on her doctor duties. "The charts say he's more the size of a four year old. I'd say you're not far off but in the early years, age comes in milestones." She marked some things down on the chart and looked back at Deidara who had found peace with cramming the brain in his mouth.

Tsunade cringed at the thought of the bacteria from other kids touching it and it now being in his mouth but only sighed. "It might look weird when he's in school since his classmates are also older than him. Deidara is a very clever boy so he did start earlier than usual."

He gawked at her and shook his head at the smart comment. Sasori had yet to witness Deidara do anything intelligent. Did she not see the germ ridden brain crammed into his big mouth?

"So nothing is wrong? No concerns about his diet or anything?"

Tsunade blinked at the man slowly and reached foreword to yank the brain out of Deidara's mouth since the man obviously wasn't going to do it himself. She held the drool covered replica in front of Sasori. "You're not starving him are you?"

Sasori watched a stream of the drool ooze down the brain. "No! He just likes... to chew..."

"Then there is no problem." She then held up a chart showing his progressing growth. "I know Deidara is a good eater from past visits, and most of the time that has nothing to do with height. Some kids are big, some medium and some small. Deidara is small."

"So, he's not in any danger?"

She glanced at the chart and smirked at him "As long as he doesn't eat toys like, playdough and such, he'll be just fine. Food is the best thing for his diet."

Sasori's eyebrows shot upwards. "Oh. You know about that? He's fine now you know. Uh, no worries." Now he was really getting anxious.

"Of course." She leaned back in her chair and chuckled. "Now I know you love Deidara very much, but don't worry. It just shows us that he will be a short man just like you."

Short? That sounded harsh and Sasori was offended. Now he realized why Deidara wasn't too pleased to go to the doctor. This woman was ruuude.

"Or he will be short like his mother, but who knows for sure at this point. He could very well hit a growth spurt."

Getting onto the next point she got out a small plastic bag and put it to the side. "I need you to swaddle him while I give the the s-h-o-t. As you said, he's small so you should be able to handle him quite well, yes?"

Sasori glared. This woman's attitude was getting on his nerves. First calling him out on being short, now suggesting he is skilled at dealing with small things! She had better not be referring to what he thinks she's referring!

Grabbing Deidara, Sasori put him on his lap and got Bard as well as Birb out from the travel bag and placed them onto the boys lap. Deidara cooed at the toys and inhaled them before calming down. Not even the Doctor questioned the action.

In his coat pocket Sasori came prepared with candies and stickers to top off what the Doctor would give him. It would be best if the child could view injections as a good experience rather than a painful and scary one.

"Deidara, can I have a hug?"

Deidara looked up at the man as he stuffed Bard's leg into his mouth to chew on. He wiggled side to side and hummed as if he really needed to think about hugging his Danna. "You hafta say puh-lease, un!"

"Pleaaase!"

"Okay!" He threw his arms around his big friend and gave him a hug. Deidara didn't get many hugs from the redhead. Only when said guy would screw up or when Deidara did really really good would he get sweet delicious hugs. Any other time was a complete treat. This was a treat.

Getting the hug, Sasori hugged back tightly. The hug was tight, sweet and quick, but when Deidara let go Sasori grabbed back on. Like a snake. A sneaky snake. Deidara struggled in the grip. He couldn't move, he couldn't see what was going one but he could definitely feel something wet rubbing at his arm.

This made him panic.

As Deidara gasped to yell, Sasori started talking to him in a cheery voice. "Oh Deidara, your hugs are sooo nice! Hug, hug..." He sighed taking a breath of the cutesy talk. "Huuug!"

"B-but Danna! Ah-Ahun! Ouchieee!" He burst into tears as Sasori slowly let go and as Tsunade quickly applied a circle bandaid to the affected area. "Nooo! Don't let me gooo!" Deidara cried to Sasori not wanting him to stop hugging him is such a peril filled time.

Hugs make everything better, right? Sasori screwed up by taking him here, he needs restitution!

Sasori rolled his eyes and pushed Deidara's bum from his lap to the of his elbow and held on all the while having him face Tsunade so he could receive a treat.

"Here is your healing lollipop!" She said happily handing him an orange candy. "And since you did so good, you can pick two stickers of any kind you like." Now bringing out a large sheet of them.

"Can I have that one and that one?" He asked pointing out a swan and a shiny butterfly.

"Of course you can!" She cheered clapping her hands excitedly, continuing to act very differently than she had when talking with Sasori. Sticking one of them on the back of the boys hand and the other on his shirt he was more than pleased. That is until he remembers the pain in his arm.

"That ouchied! You tricked me Danna into coming here for prickles, un."

"Oh but Deidara he had too!" Tsunade spoke patting his head. "If Sasori here didn't bring you, you'd get sick!"

"Nuh-huh, I never get sick."

"What about that one time you got that stomach virus and wouldn't stop throwing up?"

Deidara looked away. "That wasn't fun.."

"Exactly! Your Daddy was so worried about you too!" She said in a overly sad voice. "Besides, we had to see how you're growing!"

"Am I growin, un?" He asked, sitting up and moving away from Sasori in an attempt to look for a chart or paper she might have.

She didn't though.

"...A little bit, but hey! Your hair sure has gotten long since I last saw you." She spoke dodging the question about growing since in reality he really wasn't as much as he should be.

Deidara giggled as he toyed with his hair proudly. "Un, it has gotten longer huh! Ain't it pretty?"

"So so sooo pretty. Right Sasori?"

"Oh yeah right!" Sasori jolted upwards when he realized he was being spoken to. "Yeah, so pretty." He repeated dreamily, toying with the blond locks which were indeed a sight to behold.

Deidara blinked and threw himself at the doctor, burying his face into her lap. "I think Tsunude is a pretty too, un."

"It's Tsunade. And thank you Deidara."

-x-

Hopping back into the car, Sasori helped Deidara buckle up in his carseat since he claimed he was in too much pain to do so. Which is ridiculous and sounded more like he just wanted the older male to dote of him. Yes, that sounds far more logical.

"Hey Deidara." Sasori asked, opening a little packet of fruit snacks.

Looking up from his birdies, the boy smiled. "Yes Danna" He replied, taking the little packet and stuffing a gummy into his mouth.

"Good job today."

"Thank you!"

As the drove along in perfect silence, it of course didn't last long. Sooner or later, Deidara belted out his personal songs about guts, needles and brains. That is until -

"What do you think this brain is made out of, un?"

"Huh?"

Glancing back in the rear view mirror, Sasori scowled as in Deidara's hands was the brain he had been chewing on in the doctors office. He must have snatched it back when he hugged the woman.

"Did you... Steal that from Dr. Tsunade?"

"No? I just took it back with us to the car, silly!"

Sasori sighed heavily and pulled into a upcoming parking lot, getting ready to do a u-turn. Guess it was back to the doctors office to return the stupid brain. He couldn't blame Deidara for taking it. Sometimes he wondered what it would be like if the kid actually had one.

* * *

sneaky..


	37. Bucket mutant butt

It had been a quiet day. Deidara was napping peacefully in his bedroom after a busy school day and Sasori was working away on an English assignment. Working away? Ha! He was on a roll~ This thing was writing itself! It would be done in no time at all.

Typing with such speed, he failed to notice the time slip by. Even though it felt as if this wasn't taking too long, the clock was anything but merciful.

"Herawaguh!"

Sasori sat up from his desk chair and looked behind him. "What the heck was that?" He asked to himself, standing up to investigate with his heart still thumping from shock.

Sniffling was heard next. Why, if Deidara had gotten hurt... Why hadn't he screamed bloody murder like he usually does? Even if it was nothing, the little guy sure liked to make a big deal out of it. Sasori was positive the kid just liked to extort extra hugs and kisses out of him.

"Uguu hagah, un."

Looking into the boys room, he saw nothing. Just an empty room and overly disarrayed bed; void of all blankets. However a few more sniffles suggested otherwise that the room was truly vacant of life.

"Deidara, you in here?" He asked, stepping into the room, looking around for any sign of the wiggly child. Who might I add is not the greatest hide and seek player.

Sniffling, Deidara grunted with a wavering, "Nuh! Go way."

"Aw, don't push me away." Sasori said with little to no real empathy in his voice as he got down onto his hands and knees to look under the bed. "Danna just wants to help you."

Another loud and pathetic whine rippled through the air. "No-wuh. It's bambarassing, un."

"I've seen you do tons of embarrassing things Deidara. I'm sure this will be nothing new so where are - "

Sasori stopped mid-sentence and looked to the end of the bed. A large collection of the blankets had congregated down there. Not only that, there were buckets of toys generally left there. All in all it was the perfect hide out. Had the kid made a tent of self pity for whatever he did?

"Alright Deidara, if you don't tell me where you are, I guess I am just going to find you on my own." Sasori stated while still keeping a steady voice - even though he was more than excited to sneak up on the boy.

"No-wuh!" Deidara cried even louder making it super obvious that's where he was. "Respects my wishes and leaf me alone to stuffocate as die."

Sasori growled at that. "No way am I letting you die. Who even told you about respect, suffocating and dying?"

"...Tachi."

"Of course."

Letting it all out, Sasori crawled over and ripped the blue blanket off the boy's fort. Stepping back, he gaped at the sight. What. A. Sight.

"NO-WAH! DON'T WOOK AT ME-AH."

The left side of Sasori's lip curled up into a smile, the right side quickly doing the same. "What the hell is this?"

"NOTHIN. GO WAY-AH."

Scooting closer, Sasori grabbed at the white bucket and dragged the blond with it. It wasn't like he had a choice, the boy was clearly stuck in it.

"Welly well... what do we have here?"

"Wubwubwub." Deidara's lips quivered as he had shamefully been caught being too big for the bucket. He was folded, stuck just so that only half his body was in the bucket and his little limbs stuck out.

Like, a sad and unfortunate turtle he was.

Looking into the bucket, as best as he could, Sasori groaned and laughed at the same time. "Are you seriously naked there?" He asked, still trying to hide his laugh. As well as smacking the edges of the bucket in the process. Just to be a jackass.

Deidara gurgled sadly at being laughed at. He hated it when his Danna would correct and make fun of him. He loved his Danna so much! So he didn't want to appear stupid in front of the totally cool big kid.

"Yeah, 'm stuck. Now pease help." He asked sadly, wiggling his feet and hands rapidly as if he meant business.

Picking up from the bottom of the bucket, Sasori flipped the boy upside down. It was much to both of their displeasure, but shook it; hoping Deidara would pop right out.

"Ouch! Ouchie! No! Ouch!"

Sasori put Deidara down after the seventh shake as well as when he began to cry. "Wow Brat, you're really jammed in there." He sighed heavily, chewing his bottom lip.

Huh. Perhaps this wasn't as funny as he thought it was... Also it was really tiring.

Unfortunately that wasn't what Deidara wanted to hear. "Waugh! I'm gonna be the bucket mutant butt forever! Waugh, un!" He wailed loudly, hiccuping and sobbing uncontrollably.

This was actually really sad and quite concerning. Sasori was struck with a burning in his stomach, all he wanted to do was free his little munchkin. All these tears were also unsettling.

If Konan were here... oh how Sasori would be... Well, very dead.

Pushing back the blond hair that had fallen into the child's face, Sasori planted a big kiss on his forehead to calm him down. "Shush, I'll get you out of there. You won't be a bucket mutant butt forever."

"Really?"

"Really."

Deidara felt like crying again. Reaching upwards he aimed for Sasori's face, which he happily leaned in to give the sad boy. Grasping the face, he whimpered, "Can I have just another one more one kiss please? Ecase I die, un?"

Sasori rolled his eyes. "Of course you can." He chuckled as he leaned even closer kiss Deidara's freshly tear smeared cheek. "Now let's get you outta there."

A few ideas came to Sasori's head. Margarine, soap, cooking oils, and if those failed; cutting the boy out with a power tool. However he'd try to avoid that at all costs.

What's that you say? Deidara goes to school and tells everyone how he got put on a table and a saw nearly killed him. "Killed" is the chosen word because the chance of Deidara figuring to include any part of the bucket and being stuck is slim to none.

That would be embarrassing!

What's that as well? Deidara tells Konan anything at all? We simply can't have that now can we.

'Why weren't you watching our precious little lovebug better!'

Sasori shuddered.

Laying out a small blanket, Sasori then hoisted up the boy in the bucket and put him on it. The new found plastic area of the blond made him too difficult to carry, so he would have to drag him down the hall to the bathroom.

"Danna, hurry! I want outta, un."

Rushing to the kitchen and back, Sasori returned with the margarine, cooking oil and dish soap. "Okay, lets oil you up, baby." He grumbled, pouring the cooking oil down the Deidara's back.

Deidara gave a shrill squeal at the cool oil dripping down his back and in -

"Danna! I feel that on my bum!"

Still drizzling the boy, this time around his legs, Sasori laughed at the child's uncomfort. "I'm sorry if that feels unpleasant, but try to wiggle around to spread the oil."

"Huhn... Okay."

Moving, Deidara tried to wiggle as Sasori tried to squeeze his fingers between the thick plastic bucket and the tender flesh of the six year old.

"Ouchie Danna, this hurts and now I have to go peepee."

Sasori gasped. "Please, please try your best to hold it in, don't pee in the bucket!" He begged as he added more oil and even some of the margarine.

Continuing to squirm about, Deidara made an extra sad noise. "There is a toy still under my bum and it's digging into my buttcheek." He wailed, kicking his legs trying to convey the pain and misery he was in by showing his Danna some pain in return as he aimed to kick Sasori "My bum hurts, my bum hurts, my bum huuurts!"

"Shit, why did you crawl in the bucket if it wasn't empty, jeez! Here, let me add a bit of soap then." Sasori hissed bitterly, not even regretting his decision to swear in front of the very impressionable child.

Sweat began to form on his body. Grabbing the bucket again, he flipped it upside down to try and shake the boy out. With a mighty heave: one shake, two shake, three shake, four shake -

PLOP.

Deidara fell to the ground, with a few small toys following, as a greasy, slimy mess. He wasn't the only one to fall too. Sasori collapsed against the bathtub panting. Danna had done it. He had saved the baby, all on his own without any of Konan's help!

"Hell yeah." He gasped, pumping his fist up.

Catching his breath, Deidara finally started to move rolling over to face Sasori. He whimpered and the started to cry again. That whole ordeal was really scary, hurty and embarrassing!

Sasori saw the look and grabbed the little blanket he had used to drag the bucket into the bathroom. He then scooped the dirty naked boy up in it and rocked him side to side. "Will you ever climb into something small like that bucket ever again?"

"N-no... But I used to fit."

"Ah, I see." Sasori smiled down at him and used his finger to wipe away the tears. "I have to ask," He started, narrowing his eyes. "why in the world did you have to get in the bucket naked? Why not get in while wearing clothes?"

"Hah!? You mean you didn't see?"

"...See what?"

Deidara chewed his bottom lip and an ashamed look crossed his face. "The blanket and sheets, un."

Sasori looked back in his memory. Yes, yes they had been taken off the bed. Why in the world Deidara want to change his bedding? They just did it a few weeks ago to wash them. In fact the whole point of him being able to recall it was Deidara made it very clear that they had to do it TOGETHER.

Unfortunately he couldn't muster up a reason to change them again by himself so:

"Ok so why did you take them off?" He asked, moving Deidara to face him better.

"Pease don't be mad..." The boy pleaded, looking away as if he were ready to cry again.

Sighing out, he gave Deidara a pat on the back as he continued the soothing rocking. "I'll try not to..." He mumbled, not sounding too sure of himself.

"Mmn... Durning my nap, I... um...musta peepee in the bed, un."

"Ohhh boy, and here I thought the next move of the adventure was just cleaning YOU up." Sasori groaned, not stopping the rocking motions. This time for his own well being. "It's okay, I will put you in the tub so you can get cleaned up, and then we can clean your bed."

"You're not mad I peepeed in the bed, un?" Deidara asked in shock.

"I'm not happy, but no I'm not mad."

"Wow!" Deidara crawled out of the swaddle and stood up to hug his Danna. "You are a bamillion times nicer than when I peepeed for Daddy. He took TV and the good snacks away for two days, un!"

Sasori felt a little pride when he heard the blond compliment him, even to call him nicer than Katsuya who was generally a really nice guy. "Yeah, I wouldn't do that over something to trivial. You couldn't control yourself!"

In reality, Sasori knew of this situation all too well. Bed wetting. He was so glad he FINALLY grew out of that when he turned twelve.

Sasori wet the bed for so long though because of anxiety and fears at home involving his... Parents. Why would Deidara wet the bed? His life was perfect!

Must have given the boy too much to drink before his nap.

"Yeah, Daddy didn't like being peepeed on." Deidara mumbled looking away into nothingness.

Sasori froze. "You peed on your dad?"

"Yeah!" Deidara yelled snapping back into reality. "I crawled into bed with him and peed in my sleep and then uh oh he was mad."

"So YOU peed in HIS bed ON him?"

"Un."

Groaning, Sasori snatched at a naked and very dirty Deidara and put him into the tub, before remembering that Deidara said he had to pee again. "So you do these kind of things around your Dad too? It's not just for me?" He mumbled, moving the naked boy to sit on the toilet.

Going pee, Deidara cocked his head. "Mm? What things?"

Sasori frowned at the now greasy, dirty rim of the toilet. Something he now also had to clean. "I don't know..." He grumbled. "Weird Deidara things?"

"Huh?"

Looking down into the blank and certainly unable to understand eyes, it clicked. Deidara's father was a great man. A great single man. No Sasori, you're not hated and women do not flee from you. It is Deidara out to make your life miserable because you too are a great single man just like Katsuya.

That's just how Deidara is. This is... just how things work.

"What... A brat."

* * *

no sass ass, it's not just babydei, it's also you.


	38. The biggest poop

"I hafta go somewhere..." Deidara mumbled, crawling off Sasori's lap as they watched TV together.

Sasori didn't pay much attention to the boy leaving, nor did he really care what he was going to do. The only thing that was bothersome was the lingering cold patch forming where a toasty warm Deidara was snuggled in. That unfortunately was making him prickle with goosebumps and actually then made him want to come back.

Just to be warm. That's all. Don't read too much into it - sheesh.

"Brrr..."

The cartoon soon ended and Sasori questioned if Deidara was actually going to come back or had gotten distracted by one of his many toys. If it was indeed that Deidara wasn't coming back, perhaps just for once he could watch what HE wanted. Certainly not another cartoon about super ultra fighting robot lizards. However, as he went to grab the remote, just as if it was on queue, little footsteps could be heard thumping down the wood floor of the hallway. Sasori could only sigh and release the remote back into its place. So much for his time to relax and enjoy something for once.

"Danna! You gotta come see this!"

Lulling his head to the side, Sasori remained calm and seated, but still gave the child enough attention with his eyes. "You mean you WANT me to see something."

"That's not the point, un! Get up!" He cried as he grabbed his Danna by his finger tips, trying to yank him from the sofa. "Come see and take a picture so Hidan can see, un!"

With a groan, Sasori lurched forward and stood up, allowing himself to be dragged along by the child. Where he expected to be dragged, the bedroom, he was surprised to be taken to the bathroom instead.

"Dei? What could you possibly show me in here?"

"Look! In there!" He yelled pointing inside the toilet.

"Deidara I swear if you made a potion in the toilet with toys and soaps again, I - " Sasori froze, his lips forming into a straight line. Glancing at Deidara he could see nothing but confidence and pride. "Why are you showing me this?" He then asked with his nose crinkling in distrust as well as disgust - mainly disgust though. "Why in the world would you show me your feces?" He repeated, brows furrowed in utter confusion.

"Feesees?"

"Poo Deidara. Poo."

"Ahaha!" Deidara shrieked, nearly falling to the floor. "Danna said poo!"

"Yes." Sasori growled. "Now tell me why exactly this hasn't been flushed."

Deidara puffed out his cheeks and rested his fists on his hips. Leaning to look into the toilet bowl he hummed in thought. Suddenly his head shot upwards into Sasori's direction, this time a wide smile on his face.

"Because it's really big, duh!"

Sasori rubbed his face with one hand quickly before flushing the toilet much to Deidara's displeasure. This was nonsense.

"Heyyy!" Deidara whined. "Wasn't that the biggest poop ya ever did see? It hurt a bit coming out too, un!"

Unfortunately recalling the piddly little slip of feces, Sasori shook his head. That thing was nothing to be proud of. Tiny babies had tiny poopies of course. So it being the biggest? Far from it of course.

"Deidara."

"Yes Danna?"

"Don't show me your little shits ever again."

Gasping, Deidara covered his mouth in shock. "That was not little! That was at least ninety four times bigger than the one Hidan showed me at school today! If only he were to see that baby, WHICH YOU SO RUDELY FLUSHED, UN!" He cried, defending his loss of a champion.

This peaked Sasori's interest a little. "Ah I see..." He mumbled as he washed his hands. That was why Deidara wanted a picture of it. Yuck. "Hidan and you are having... Size contests?"

"Yeah! Hidan said the bigger the poops, the cooler the person, un." Deidara hummed as he hopped up on his little footstool to wash his own hands.

Shaking his head, Sasori could only smile a little at this foolish conversation. "Deidara, I hope that this comes back to haunt you when your older." He mumbled, ruffling the boys hair.

"Un!? What does?"

"Poop size contests."

Deidara frowned as he didn't quite understand the embarrassment of the situation. "I don't get what you mean, un..."

"It's okay. You will someday."

-A FEW STREETS AWAY-

"Hidan!" Kakuzu yelled looking down at his cellphone which had just beeped, signaling a text. "What's this I hear about shit sizing contests with Deidara!?"

* * *

so this is a bit of a situation that happens at one of the schools I work at. why the boys want to flaunt their poops? I have nooo clue.


	39. A call with Daddy

Deidara reached forward again and grabbed at Sasori's face. He smushed his cheeks, fluffed his hair and gave him more than enough kisses. Nuzzling in with his big smile pressing against the older males face, he giggled loudly making sure the laughter was strong enough to transfer. Shopping was great!

What was going on exactly?

Sasori had leaned over the handle of the cart and resting his head near the boy who was sitting in the child's seat. He hardly reacted to the tender signs of affection, but with each giggle and caress, he'd return with a sweet action in return with a gentle nose bump or nuzzle. A poke to the stomach every now and then didn't hurt either.

I mean, if he didn't then Deidara would throw a fit and he certainly didn't want that. Deidara thrived in love and attention. Yeah, that was the reason. Totally. Blame the child.

All in all, shopping on his end was absolutely terrible. Especially when the line up went on forever and only one of the many registers were open. All four self-checkouts were out of order and somehow they thought the one line was good enough. And what was with all the candy being located right beside the checkout? Didn't they know children were candy grubbing monsters? They see it and they want it! Luckily for him though Deidara was more preoccupied with other things... Like his face.

"Mm! Danna." Deidara giggled as he forcefully pushed up Sasori's eyebrows. "Haha! Why ya lookin so shocked?"

"I'm shocked at how damn long this is taking, y'know?"

Deidara nodded and got back to making sweet affection to the older males face. If his Danna was going to be a grouch, then he'd have to share his happiness. Sasori in the end smiled at the next rapid, eight, nine, ten, eleven, kisses. Who knew there could be so much love bundled into one teeny tiny brat?

"Danna?" Deidara asked as he pulled back from the smotherings.

"Mm... Yeah?"

"When is my Daddy comin back, un?"

Sasori went very quiet in shock. As of recently the boy hardly ever talked about his dad on his own accord, only when they were video chatting each other every other week. Wait. In fact, it had been a few weeks since the man last video phoned them. He hadn't even... Wait, wasn't Katsuya supposed to come for a visit like, a month ago?

"Oh my god..."

Deidara looked up with concern as he removed his hands from Sasori's face. "Danna? Why ya lookin so shocked? I'm not foolin with your eyebrows this time makin them look all concerned, un. You doin it on your own this time! Are you having a heart attack? Do you need n'more kisses!?"

Sasori scowled. Pulling away from the cart and Deidara, he clawed at his hair in the process. What if the guy just up and abandoned Deidara on him? Katsuya wouldn't do that though, right? It wasn't too long ago that he realized that super cool Mr. Katsuya was single only because of Deidara, but what if he was out and finally enjoying his single life again? What if he enjoyed it just a little too much and was now never going to come home?

Katsuya was a rich and attractive man so women of all sorts of beauty were probably all over him! Especially right after he'd whip out his wallet, and an accordion style waterfall of baby Deidara pictures spilled out. No woman's ovaries could deny that - that and being a doting, loving, father with an adorable baby brat back home.

Deidara was still preoccupied with the older males flailing about. This was not, well, it was kind of normal- BUT this was not the time for being a weirdo! Sometimes Danna had just too much energy for his own good. Sometimes Danna just needed to chill! Because if Danna was upset, that means he should be really REALLY upset.

"Danna! Danna!" Deidara cried, now panicking too. "What are ya doin, stop!?"

"Deidara!" Sasori cried back. "When we get home we are phoning your dad!"

Deidara gasped in horror. Phoning Daddy? What, had he done something wrong and now he needed a stren talking to? Oh no! But what had he done to deserve this? Well, a few things actually. It was just he was so certain he had gotten away with it!

"Daddy says we are not to phone him unless it amemmergency, un." Deidara spoke gently, sucking back his own tears and fears as to what was to come. Caressing the older males face again in an attempt to soothe him, he shushed him with a peck on the cheek. "The rule is that he has to phone us unless Deidara is really really bad, an- an- and 'no arguing Deidara, be a good boy'."

Sasori groaned. At first that rule was set in place because Deidara wanted to phone his father every moment of everyday. Then it changed to twice a week, once a week, and now every so often. Then there was of course like the boy said, if he was exceptionally naughty Sasori would initiate the call. That wasn't often, but the little threat of being told on made the boy skiddish.

"Are you ready sir?"

Oh but what if the use of calling on Katsuya as a threat didn't work anymore since he wasn't there anymore! What if the man really actually for seriously abandoned Deidara and left him all for Sasori?

Oh no.

Sasori threw his head back, out of Deidara's gentle and loving grasp. "I'm not ready to be a father!"

"Yes, but sir... you're ready now for checkout?" The nice lady at the cash register asked with a worried smile at the scene before her.

That poor sweet little angel!

Looking at the woman, Sasori slowly came back to reality. Deidara still sat there, although this time with wide eyes at the sudden outburst and shaking a little in his ladybug boots.

"Yeah... Let's buy our stuff and check up on your daddy." Sasori mumbled shakily grabbing a couple chocolate bars that were placed near the check out.

Man did he need soothing chocolate for not only himself, but also some apology chocolate for spazzing at Deidara.

"But daddy said no - "

"Shhh! We're going to call daddy..."

"Unnnn..."

-x-

Sitting at the table, Sasori opened his tablet and with a few taps video phoned Katsuya. Well it actually took a few tries and a couple texts, but thankfully the man finally answered. Finally.

"Oh my god what has happened to my most precious little baby!"

Sasori raised his brows at the sudden outburst. This was the first thing that the guy wanted to shout at him? Well, okay then but -

"Deidara is fine."

Katsuya scowled. "Then why are you calling me like Deidara has physically combusted in an explosion!?"

Rolling his eyes Sasori got right to the point. "I'm calling because you haven't done so in over a month. Speaking of over a month, where are you? You told the both of us that you would visit at the halfway point. Halfway point has passed, y'know."

Sasori could see the older male visibly tense. After a brief moment of silence, Katsuya ran his hand up his face and through his dark blond hair as he sighed heavily. "They've cut my little break... Y'know the one I was going to use to visit."

"What!?" Sasori shrieked, mortified he wouldn't be getting his planned vacation of any kind from the little terror.

"It gets worse, yeah. They want to extend my stay into the summer as well."

"UNNN!?"

This time that wasn't Sasori yelling.

Deidara screamed as he lunged at his Danna's leg looking to hop on. "Daddy gonna be gone even longer?" He practically cried as Sasori swooped him up into the cameras view.

"Oh sheesh, I didn't know he was there..." Katsuya grumbled. "Hey baby, I'm sorry but daddy has to work and. - "

"WORK IS SUPER POOPY." Deidara yelled angrily, now writhing in Sasori's lap making it uncomfortable for him as he swung his elbow into his face while one foot went into his thigh and the other his groin. "WHY CAN'T YOU DO WHAT DANNA DOES AND STAY WITH ME, UNN!"

Katsuya and Sasori both frowned as they knew very well that was impossible. Sasori also frowned in pure pain at the attack on him. Never mind a foot to the crotch, a heel to the inner thigh really hurt!

"Hey Sasori, could you excuse Deidara for a moment?"

Finally getting the child away from cramming his limbs into him, Sasori raised his brows. "Excuse him?"

"Yes. I would like to talk to you privately."

Shooing a sad Deidara away, Sasori was forced to listen to the loud, sad thumps ring down the hallway and the child's bedroom door slam shut. That sure sounded like fun to take care of later. He could only hope the boy didn't wipe his crying snot all over his clothes.

"So what's up Katsuya?" Sasori asked, signifying Deidara was out of the hearing radius.

"While being out of the country I've met someone."

This was shocking news to Sasori.

Not.

Of course his theory was correct and as soon as Deidara was out of the picture Katsuya was able to meet a nice lady. Deidara was adorably cute, yes, but could make any Prince Charming look like complete garbage. Which is ultimately why a Prince Charming such as himself was striking out with the ladies of course!

Pfft.

"What's she like?" Sasori asked hoping he would go further, his inner gossip girl kicking in. He was also curious as to why the man didn't want Deidara to hear this in particular.

"She's wonderful, just wonderful, yeah. Twenty-seven and has a one year old baby girl named Ino who I think would make a great baby sister for Deidara."

"A fourteen year age gap, wow." Sasori mused as he thought if he could ever do such a thing. "She divorced or widowed?" He finally asked.

"They were't married, yeah. The father did however give up all custody rights and fled the country."

"Oho..." Sasori snickered leaning back in his chair. "Single mother with the father way out of the picture, so she's desperate and up for the taking?"

Katsuya returned the action with a wide smirk. "You betcha."

"How's the daught-"

"Not even as close to as cute as my little itty bitty Deidara."

Sasori couldn't help but snort at that sudden burst. That really wasn't his question, but it was reassuring to hear that the man was still head over heels for his little boy. That meant he still wanted to come home in the end. He wanted to ask about the daughter being the main reason he didn't want Deidara to hear.

"But the overtime for your stay through to the summer..." Katsuya breathed out getting serious again by sitting up. "You will of course be getting a raise, yeah."

That was ear candy.

"A raise?" Sasori asked sitting up, thoroughly interested in more money.

"Yes, during that time housing, food, Deidara, and an increase in pocket money."

Increase in pocket money? That did sound tempting.

"This summer have fun with him. Take him to an amusement park, to the beach, do anything, just have fun, yeah."

Staring into the camera Sasori wanted to project this clear and in the most blunt way as possible. There was no dancing around this subject.

"You're not abandoning Deidara on me are you?"

Katsuya went very quiet, eyes widening very slowly. Suddenly he burst out laughing making Sasori jump to turn the volume down on the electronic. Heaven forbid Deidara be upset he missed out on something funny.

"Me? Give up my little angel!? Never!" He hollered while still laughing. "What would make you think that?"

"Again, haven't talked to you in awhile..." Sasori snorted.

Katsyua scratched the back of his head and laughed a little. It HAD been awhile since he checked in on his angel. Things were always going good though. Deidara never had anything bad to say about Sasori, so he trusted the guy.

"Ahh yeah..." He finally mumbled out apologetically. "My bad. How has my boy been?"

"Happy, healthy..." Suddenly a thought struck Sasori. "Hey just to get this out there, Deidara has always been popular with the ladies right?"

"Of course! He's so cute, yeah! Don't tell me he got himself a special little lady already!"

"Well, no..." Sasori grumbled as he thought bitterly about all the previous female encounters, plus there was that rotten kid Itachi. He couldn't possibly count that demon boy though. Over his dead body he'd let that snotty brat have his stupid brat. "It's just, have you ever noticed that Deidara can make you look bad so the females stay away from you?"

Katsuya pursed his lips and frowned in confusion. "I'm afraid I don't understand Sasori."

"Well it just seems to me that Deidara likes to bad mouth about me to every pretty lady he sees."

"Hm, that's interesting, yeah." Katsuya sighed. "He's never done that with me before."

This was shocking.

"Really? Never!?"

Katsuya chuckled as it all seemed to click. "It sounds as if my baby-angel is jealous, yeah." He miffed crossing his arms, a little jealous that his darling would be more protective over the redhead than himself.

Sasori on the other hand could only narrow his eyes at the notion. Deidara? That little punk was out to ambush each and every little bit of contact with females just because he was jealous? Just what was there to be jealous of? Wait. Sasori was a great guy! One hell of a catch! He was smart, artistic, cool and ever so good looking. Any man would be rightfully envious of these fine qualities!

A few of them might be blown just a bit out of proportion though...

What was Deidara doing making women hate him though?

"Yup! Sounds like my boy doesn't want to share his big, cool friend Sasori!"

Back out from his inner thoughts, Sasori stared at the older man blankly. "That's what you think? He just doesn't want... To share me with girls?"

"Yup! At the moment you are his everything, yeah!"

"Everything..."

"So just enjoy his love for now because someday he might change his mind and become a real handful!" Katsuya laughed. "Now I have to go back to work, give my snickerdoodle a big hug for me!"

"Uh... Okay sir... Bye." Sasori mumbled, closing the tablet. It took a moment to process things, but finally he got up and sauntered to the boys room to see him face down on his bed; fuming. "Hey Deidara..."

"What do YOU want!?" Deidara screamed angrily, still maintaining his high squealy voice. "Daddy's not coming home b-because he hates me!"

"That's not true. In fact your father wanted me to give you this..." Reaching foreword he pulled the small boy off the bed and into a big hug. Deidara whined into the hug. This daddy-hug meant nothing if it wasn't being given by his actual daddy.

"Hmph."

Sasori frowned at the cold reaction until an idea popped into his head. Reaching foreword he grabbed at Deidara's face and squeezed his cheeks, kissing them every so often, and fluffing his hair. Suddenly he grabbed the eyebrows and pushed them up. "What the - why you lookin so shocked Deidara?"

Looking up at his Danna, Deidara couldn't help but let out a little giggle as he received one kiss, two kiss, three kiss - seven kisses! Who knew so much love could be packed into one guy?

Reaching up, leaning in and grabbing to hug around the older males neck Deidara sighed. "Thank you Danna for makin me feel better."

"No problem Dei." Sasori mumbled as he patted the boys head. All that was left was telling the boy his Dad wasn't coming back. Yeah, not seeing your dad for a whole year when he said he'd visit halfway... and when he does come back he has a new family! Wait...

"Curse you Katsuyaaa!"

Yeah. That definitely sounds like fun to explain to a baby. Good thing Sasori was now going to be a professional at this by the time Katsuya would finally come home.

* * *

I wanted to extend the series. and also write about cool summer trips an crap. funny hint hint, katsuya's new relationship has the same age gap as sasori and Deidara.


	40. I live in Japan

"Didja know. When I was littler at my old house. On a windy day like this pteh..."

Sasori nodded along to the boys words as he drew a circle onto the pavement, "Yeah?"

"The tree at my old house in Japan. Pteh. It blewded lots of leaves around on windy days, un." Deidara said pausing over and over to spit out a locks of hair that would blow into his mouth on this cool spring day.

Even though Sasori had pulled it back into a ponytail and even added a thick black hair band, it still managed to fall out from rough play and now blew everywhere. Sasori had offered to take the boy for a haircut a couple times now, but each time the kid would have the biggest hissy fit. Talking to Daddy-Katsuya about being firm against the child and how beneficial it would be didn't help either since the guy would hear his little angel's cry, and immediately keel over.

If baby wanted long hair, baby got long hair.

Sasori did however look at the child with wide eyes. Not with the way he was speaking though. Slowly he stopped drawing with the piece of chalk and dusted the faint blue residue on his jeans until it was clean enough. Sighing, he had to hear that once more.

Brushing the hair out of the boys' face he narrowed his eyes. "Excuse me?" He asked, hoping for a repeat.

Deidara scrunched his nose up and sniffled at the fresh weather. What didn't his Danna get though? Did he not hear him? Had all that dumb speech therapy he was being forced to do at school all for nothing?

Not like the Speech Therapist was able to do anything about Deidara saying 'un'. He was still very much in denial about that. However his volume levels were regulating and his pronunciation of the letter 'r' was now flawless. Unless he was a sobbing little mess. Then you had to speak Deidara-ese to understand that flow of word mush.

Aside that, all that was left to learn was proper use of other... words. Like for example; animal for aminal, ambulance for amblance, spaghetti for sketti, and other pretense words like how he just earlier used littler instead of younger. All the teachers at the school had high hopes that their wee sweetest student would succeed. How could they not root for him? He was a little lovebug after all!

"My old house, pteh, the one I lived in before daddy and I moved to this one, un. The tree, it blewded all the leaves off, pteh, on really windy audum days."

Oh Danna. It was simple; he used to live in a Japan and that house had a tree.

For him it wasn't as simple as Deidara thought it was. Sasori held his hand up monetarily, only to press the back of it to his mouth in thought. How to word this... "Okay, but what about how you USED to live in Japan?"

Oh Danna. So simple minded.

Deidara shook his head and rested the dirty palm of his hand against his face; just like he had seen his Danna do so many times before. "I said that. I used to live in Japan, un."

Easy peasy!

This was still bewildering to the redhead. Where did Deidara get this from? Was the boy honestly this stupid - oh wait.

Pursing his lips, Sasori nodded slowly, rolling the blue chalk against the pavement. "And where... exactly do you live now?" He asked, genuinely interested in what nonsense was going to spew from his mouth.

"Amegakeru, un. I like its short name Ame though, pteh."

Nodding slowly with a frown, the dumbness was definitely there. However this time Sasori didn't frown at the overall stupidity, it was actually sort of endearing to witness. Almost 'cute' if you will. That frown was only there to hide hide the fact he was to close to bursting out in laughter.

"Deidara."

"Un?"

"Amegakeru is in Japan."

Deidara tilted his head, "huh?"

"You still live in Japan."

"Oh." The child mumbled as it dawned on him. "Well still, back in Iwagakure, the wind blewed my tree around."

"And Iwagakure is in Japan?" Sasori asked, making sure the boy understood correctly.

"Yes. Iwa is in Japan, un."

Patting the boy on the head Sasori smiled at a job well done. "Good boy, Deidara."

"So I've always lived in Japan?"

Sasori nodded. "Iwa and Ame are both in Japan, so yes."

"Oh! I didn't, pteh, know that, un." Deidara mumbled as he looked longingly into the budding trees. Suddenly he stood up and smiled excitedly, "HEY GUESS WHAT TREES, I LEARNED SOMETHING NEW TODAY, UN!" he screamed at them.

Sasori just smiled at the excited little boy. Glancing down he rolled the blue chalk underneath his pointer finger. Yeah, sometimes stupid was pretty cute.

* * *

talking to one of my grade two students, she didn't know that when she moved from one city to another, she still lived in the same country.

also I'm very aware this is a super westernized Japan. chil.


	41. Birdhouse

"Danna, aren't the birdies purty?"

Grunt.

"Oh no! Where are they going?"

The boy let out a loud 'aww' in disappointment as the birds left and didn't come back. "But I love you..." He Mumbled pressing his face to the window and dragging his nose down it.

"Yeah I'm sure you do, but they have to get food and go home. Now, come and get YOUR food and get YOUR face and hands off the window of YOUR home."

Deidara pulled away from the kitchen's sliding door window, leaving his spot on the couch and stomped over in a silly manner to the redhead who was busy preparing a bowl of cereal while sipping coffee in between the steps. Even on a day off from school he had to wake up early thanks to the little boy. Why children wake up at six-thirty in the morning to watch cartoons is the stupidest stupid that ever did stupided.

"Ok! Breakfast is on! Back to the living room we go." Sasori said semi enthusiastically to the boy leaning on his hip. With skill, he struggled but still managed to carry the bowl of dry cereal and the coffee but made it to the living room safely - all with Deidara clinging on tightly to his left leg.

"Channel 12! Channel 12!"

Only five minutes into the show and Sasori's eyes were glazed over in pure boredom. He honestly didn't actually think kids talked back to the TV shows that tried to be interactive. Much to his shock though, apparently Deidara was different. One thing he did do was give the kid credit for shouting the correct answers.

Albeit they weren't very hard...

The show was short lasting about ten or so minutes and Sasori could not be any more happy the creepy, mind nulling show was over.

"I love this show!" Deidara cheered at the theme song of the next show playing. "This lady is great an she does artsy crafts with a aminal puppet friend!"

Sasori gave a pathetic 'yay' and glanced over, plucking a few partially soggy Cheerios off the boys shirt that had gotten there during the cheering and tossing them back into the bowl. They were soggy of course from the boys saliva and this usually would have grossed Sasori out, but over the time he had realized to just not sweat the small stuff.

Deidara had already drooled on everything anyways...

'Hello kids! Today we'll be making something special!'

"I love special, un!" Deidara yelled at the TV getting another dose of cereal on himself.

'We'll be making a birdhouse today!'

Words cannot describe how Deidara squealed and how Sasori died that moment - it was a sad time to be alive.

Sasori did however watch the show curiously. The birdhouse wasn't coming out too horrendous. Actually, the carpentry work wasn't bad at all! She was doing good - for a woman of course. He also took notice and saw how it made Deidara so happy just to see it being made.

Ever since that stunt he pulled where he pretended one of his tools sliced his hand off, Deidara had become less interested in what the older male was doing while involving wood working. More like terrified. The power saw still managed to make him jump every time he'd hear it turn on. That was a shame of course... Deidara should love the art just as much as he does!

'Now we have to paint it, right Mr. Fuzzles?'

'Yes we sure-sure-sure do!'

Deidara squealed and kicked his feet, knocking over the now empty plastic bowl onto the floor. "Ooooh it's not faaair! Why does the people on TV get to do all the fun artsy crafts, un!"

Bending down, Sasori picked up the bowl and went to grab the orange plastic spoon from Deidara, but found the boy was happily chewing on it. Taking a good guess, if he took the spoon that it would lead to Deidara's instant crying. He looked at the kid still cooing at the TV, apparently he thought he could paint a better birdhouse and -

"Danna could make a nicer one, he's a wood master, un!"

Sasori raised a hand and scratched under his nose hiding a smile. He may have trouble putting up with this punk, but when he got the sweet truthful praise from a child; life was good. Then a thought suddenly struck him. Turning to the boy he moved around, crisscrossing his legs on the couch.

"Hey, let's make our own birdhouse."

Deidara's wide eyed twinkled and a loud shriek erupted. What else could have happened in this situation? Not a shriek? No way!

"Really!? I get to use a table saw?" He asked, jumping up and down in his spot. Somehow the fear of the terrible and dangerous power tool disappeared.

"No."

"Um, a chainsaw!?"

"No!"

Deidara grumbled at being yelled at, "Un... Do I get to paint it!?" he tried once more hoping he could at least do something to help with the project.

"That you can do, yes. I also have a hammer or MAYBE a drill you could try out if you want to use something a little bigger."

Deidara shrieked again and hopped up, standing on the couch, flinging the plastic spoon across the room as he did so. "Danna's the best! Danna's the very hairy red berry best!" And tackled the older male.

As he was hugged Sasori pouted a little. He wasn't hairy...

-x-

Being the master craftsmen he was, Sasori quickly cut out all the needed pieces and nail gunned them together in no time flat. Deidara marveled and also whined at the same time since he didn't get to help with anything, but shut up after Sasori gave him a piece of wood, a hammer and a few nails to fool around with.

Plus Deidara in the end didn't really want to be around the saw. That thing was crazy loud! It hurt i his ears so much, he had no idea how his Danna put up with such awful noises for so long.

Even using the hammer though, that was scary a few times. Each time the hammer came back up, the back end that is used to remove nails kept nearly taking out his eyes! Good thing Sasori had an adjustable pair of safety goggles on hand to fix that problem.

Sasori couldn't imagine dealing with a one eyed baby. Plus Katsuya, Konan and Itachi would kill him.

"Making the nails go in the wood is hard, un." Deidara voiced his opinion as he struggled to get the nail deeper into the random piece of wood.

That was quickly taken away from the six year old. Even with the goggles on, goodness were those fingers getting too close to the underside of the hammer.

Honestly Sasori, what made you think that was a good idea? What about the idea of using a drill as well? Sasori you hairy-berry fool!

"It's ok, I'm just...about... Done!" Sasori cheered stepping back to look at the small house that was flawlessly made.

Being picked up to get a closer look, Deidara oohed and ahhed at the small house. "Now I paint it, yes?" He asked, kicking his feet excitedly, hitting Sasori with them in the process.

"Ugh! Yeah."

Sasori moved the house onto the floor of the deck and placed a thick and wide layer of newsprint on the ground as he didn't quite trust Deidara's ability to not make a mess. It was much better to be safe than sorry. Also a painting smock. Sasori was in no mood to get paint off of the boys clothes.

"I'ma gonna make the housey part part, un." He started painting the area white with a fairly large brush. "You make the roof a dark red, ok?" He then directed.

Sasori nodded and started painting it a solid maroon colour and finished rather quickly.

"Wowuh! Since you finish so fast you can help me with the white, un!"

Again Sasori nodded finishing off the white. "Now we should wait for it to dry a bit." He suggested, grabbing Deidara's hands from painting any further.

As they took a break, Sasori ran into the house and came out with two small cups of animal crackers for them to snack on and two juice boxes. Deidara growled like an animal as he popped a cracker in his mouth. Finding the taste just as pleasing as always, he turned and gave his Danna his sweet little smile as a sign of approval. Sasori, unable to fight that stupid little toad face, smiled right on back; he was being a super caretaker today!

Where was a hot babe to swoon over his superness?

"Now what do we do?" Deidara asked, looking over the other colours they had.

"Well..." Sasori sighed as he gave the house a good look over. "What do you think would look good as a texture or pattern?"

Deidara looked skyward and hummed. "Birdies, un."

"Birds?"

"Yeah!" He reassured himself. "Birdies on the birdhousie, un."

"You have gotta be kidding me."

Shaking his head, Deidara rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands, groaning, just like he had seen his Danna do throughout his stay. "I never kid about birds, Danna." He then stated most seriously.

Come on Danna. Get it together.

Sasori groaned back loudly, but still whipped out one of his finer pointed paintbrushes. On the other hand, Deidara marveled as he watched the older male finely paint a little robin. Danna was good at everything.

"You know your ways around wood huh?" Deidara finally asked as he too got started on his bird on the other side of the house.

Focused on his work, Sasori slowly nodded. "Yup."

"When I'm a big kid like you, you can take care of all my wood okay?"

"Deidara?"

"Uh huh!"

"No. Get back to painting."

-x-

Stepping back from the birdhouse, both boys couldn't help but smile. This thing looked great! Even Deidara's freaky looking bird creatures managed to look endearing.

As Deidara said though, 'Their stylized. It's an artist thing. You wouldn't get it Danna, un.'

Really those large, black hollow eyes were just haunting!

"Where should we put the birdhouse?" Sasori mentioned as he put a bit of bird feed into it to entice the small creatures.

Deidara pointed upwards to an area near a window. "Up there so we can watch them from the window!"

"Okay, okay."

Getting out a ladder, Sasori carefully hung the fairly large bird house. Deidara watched on from just the otherwise of the window with a wide eyes and a bright smile. When he made eye contact with the redhead, he made sure to wave as well. Sasori just smiled and gave him a thumbs up.

Back to watching cartoons, Deidara couldn't help but look up every now and then to see if their little home had gotten any guests. It wasn't until a nearly passed out boy was nudged that he jerked to full alert.

"What! What is it, Danna!?"

Pointing upwards with a small smile, Sasori gestured to the birdhouse that had a few very small birds visiting it, most likely there just for the seeds the older male put in it.

"They're usin it! They're really usin it, Danna!" Deidara gasped in awe at the sight.

Sasori grunted in agreement, but only before wrapping his arm around the little brat, resting his chin on the top of the blond head. "They really are using it."

"It's the best, un."

"It really is."

"We're the best team out there, the Art Duo!"

"We really are."

* * *

i finished this a couple months ago but was never too fond of it. oh well. maybe u losers will like it. BYE


	42. Ham

"Good news Deidara!"

Looking up from his banana, Deidara gave his Danna his full attention. He loooved good news! Good news was the best! Good news always benefited him in some way or another. Well, not ALWAYS. Sometimes it resulted in something totally boring that only Sasori liked.

"What is it, un?" He gargled between cheerful banana bites, "Tell me tell me!"

"I forgot to mention this, but yesterday after I went shopping I picked up a delicious ham!"

"...A ham?"

"Yup, got it on sale too!" Sasori boasted as he pulled into the boy's school parking lot. "Not too big, should be just the right size for the both of us."

As they pulled into a drop off lane to wait for Kakuzu and Hidan who would be walking up any moment to take Deidara to class, because Hidan lost his privilege of standing alone at the classroom line up, Sasori hummed as he thought about how he was going to prepare it. "Maybe I should call Granny up for some advice..." He mumbled quietly, still waiting.

Looking back he noticed Deidara had stopped moving, no longer stuffing that banana in his mouth. Kid could usually eat two in a morning... Maybe he wasn't feeling well?

"Hey bud, you okay?"

"...un."

Concerned, Sasori frowned and physically turned in his seat to take the left over banana. "Well okay, but if you start to feel sick at all today I have the day off from class so you can call home." He mentioned as he stuffed the left over remnants of the fruit into his own mouth.

"Un, okay."

Suddenly a tap on the window alerted them that Kakuzu and Hidan were there. Unlocking the door, Sasori let the other male reach in and help Deidara out.

"Have a good day Deidara. Remember to call home if you feel sick." Sasori called as he reached out the window to pinch at Deidara's leg as he sat on Kakuzu's hip.

"Un. Bye-bye."

-x-

"Okay class! Next up is Sally's turn to tell us what she's doing this weekend." The grade one teacher spoke as the 'speaking ball' was handed to the next child in the circle.

"This weekend my mommy, daddy and brother are all going to the main city for a day of shopping. Then daddy says if we're good we'll get ice cream!"

The other kids groaned in jealously and some even kicked their legs. Thankfully the teacher knew what to do and quickly silenced them.

"Now Deidara it's your turn! Please uh, tell us what your plans are for this weekend." She asked, already worried about the response.

And the ball was handed to him.

Furrowing his eyebrows, he had been thinking about what Sasori had said all day. Now that he was being, in a way, about it. He was drawing a complete blank! What was it - oh right.

"Danna and I are have hamster for dinner. I've never had it before,but Danna says it's very tasty. He's also just wonderin how he'll cook it, un."

His class was silent for a moment before a child finally did the natural childlike reaction and sneered in disgust, "Eww! That weirdo you live with eats hamsters? YOU eat hamsters? Deidara, again you're sooo gross!"

This caused an uproar of nasty remarks. Deidara frowned but took them all with a grain of salt. He was used to mean things being said about him, and he could trust that his teacher would scold them for it. Not to mention he had a growly Hidan beside him. There was a reason this kid couldn't stand alone in the morning lineup after all!

-x-

"Dinner's ready!"

Sighing, Deidara put his toys down and made his way to the kitchen table ready to eat the 'hamster'. Climbing up into his special seat he took one last moment to prepare himself for the sight of a cooked sweet lil hamster. He had been preparing himself all day to scream and fight not to eat it. Surely it would be gross, right?

When he finally looked, he was shocked at the actually size of it.

"Hey, that thing is huge!"

Sasori raised a brow. The ham was actually on the fairly small side - for a ham that is. Surely the rich little boy had seen larger ones at special family gatherings.

"Okay!" Sasori said as he finished cutting most of it so the boy could have options. "This piece is for you! I hope you like it Dei."

Deidara cringed at the slab of pink meat. Where were the little hamster legs? Where did the guts go in that massive lump of pink?

"Come on Deidara, It's my 'ol granny's special recipe! I called her today just so you could experience how I ate it when I was a kid."

Swallowing hard, Deidara forked up a pre-cut pink cube and brought it to his lips. He had prepared himself to fight this, but his Danna said he put all that effort into making it! His special Danna was so excited for this.

Putting the cube to his mouth he reluctantly popped it in. "Nnnmm..." He groaned as he carefully chewed the soft 'hamster' flesh.

Why was it so salty? Was it from eating all the salt licks?

"Deidara, why are you crying!?" Sasori asked, shocked. Was his cooking really that bad?

"Unnn! Because I'm sad!"

"Why are you sad?"

"Cause I like it, un!"

Well that's odd.

"Why does liking this dinner make you sad?" Sasori just had to ask.

"I don't wanna like the taste of hamster meated!" Deidara cried, now with tears streaming down his face.

Sasori sighed as he ran his hand through his hair, letting that remark settle in for just a moment. "Deidara that's not hamster that's HAM. Ham is a type of smoked pork, y'know like bacon?"

"So it's no the lil fluffy cute things, u-un?"

"Of course not!" Sasori scowled with a smile as he forked some of the meat into his own mouth. "Don't be stupid."

"Oh thank goodness! I can't wait to clear this up with my class on Monday then."

Sasori froze.

"You didn't tell your classmates you were eating hamsters, right? I told you ham. HAM!"

Deidara forked another pink cube into his mouth. "Well I thought you meant hamster so I said HAMSTER." He said with a bit too much sass for Sasori's liking.

Oh well, that wasn't the problem now by the real problem was going in to see the blonds' teacher at the end of the school day to apologize, yet again, for another misunderstanding.

Unfortunately for Sasori as he took his next bite he could only frown, "This isn't as tasty as I remember anymore..."

* * *

I was working on something else but it was proving to be taking too long so I did this instead. shout out to absoluteanarchy for being an angel who reviews every chapter omg I love youuu.

alas for now~ BYE LOSERS


	43. Hidan and Kakuzu

Sitting on the bench at the local park, Sasori sighed in content. These past three days in particular with Deidara had been nothing but capital P Percefecto. No complaints from him whatsoever. Usually there was the minor hiccup or two, but they were often no big deal. These three days though were flawless.

Hopefully this was a change for the better.

"Hey Sasori..." Kakuzu mumbled against the palm of his hand as he appeared to be less than peaceful looking. Instead he watched his own boy like a hawk, deep frown lines pushing his brows down in to what anyone would call a venomous glare.

Sasori glanced over at the man who had over the time became his friend. "Yes?" He then asked hearing his name being called.

"Have you ever... y'know..."

"Yes?"

"Wanted to take one of Deidara's toys and bash him over the head with it?"

Jumping back a little in shock, Sasori's eyes went wide at the notion. Smash a toy over that little head? Sure Deidara was a brat 99% of the time, but he had certainly never considered hurting the child. Besides, if he did; he'd be killed a million times over by a few too many people.

"I'm sorry..." Sasori apologized with a lopsided grin as he tried his best to hide his shock. "I haven't... Did he do something to anger you? B-because I can punish him you know!"

And not by bashing him on the head with a toy mind you.

"No no, Deidara's fine." Kakuzu sighed, glaring at his own little trouble maker instead. "It's actually Hidan."

"Hidan?"

Well that made a bit more sense than Deidara bothering Kakuzu. If anything, the two of them got along great! In fact it seemed as if that Deidara respected Kakuzu more than he respected him! Sasori was the Danna. The Danna was just the food and snuggle provider - no respect there. Just a whole lotta mushy lovey stuff.

Not that Sasori minded all that much. Sure he did wish the boy held some sort of respect for him though. Alas he cannot have everything he wants in life... Like a girlfriend.

Maybe this undying affection for the redhead was his own special form of respect? Nah!

If Deidara respected the Danna then the Danna would have to deal with a lot less. And the boy would stay the hell out of his room. Still, nothing the kid did made him want to toy-clobber the kid over the head! He himself swore never to use that intense kind of violence after being whooped with a wooden paddle by his granny.

Ugh. Granny.

"Is everything okay with Hidan?" Sasori asked, offering a comforting ear. Hopefully this could allow the older man to vent out a little steam.

Kakuzu sighed yet again and narrowed his eyes. "Hidan is having trouble at school keeping his hands to himself. Picks fights with everyone and then when he comes home he beats on himself!"

"Beats himself?"

"Yes! Then when we go to school the next day the school thinks it's me punishing him for being a bad boy at school." Kakuzu seethed. "It's ridiculous!"

Sasori nodded as he could relate to being falsely accused; even though in a way he did in fact do what he was accused of. Chasing with boogers and fart hands were different than actual physical abuse though.

"Does he give a reason why he hurts himself?" He asked genuinely concerned for the other boys well being.

"Yes. It's name is Jashin and his therapist calls it an 'imaginary friend'." Kakuzu explained as he moved to sit back an cross his arms. "Hidan also says he likes the feeling of pain! It's gotten to the point where I've been visited by CPS twice now and I don't know if they'll give me a third chance!"

Observing the stressed look in Kakuzu's eyes Sasori could only feel empathy. Again, he too was worried that there would be the day CPS would be called to take Deidara away from him. He hadn't even been living with the blond a year and yet the idea of losing the little guy scared him. Deidara was his responsibility and his to take care of.

"You know Kakuzu, I've been meaning to ask this for awhile now..."

"Yeah?"

"Just what is Hidan to you?" Sasori asked, titling his head. "He's clearly not your son."

Kakuzu nodded. "Well you see Sasori, I wasn't particularly a very good teenager. I stole and got into... a lot of trouble... My life was in a downwards spiral until one day I got caught and spent some time in juvie. When I came out I swore I would do something good, anything good. So I chose something where I could prevent young boys from ruining their lives like I did mine."

Taking a glance, Sasori looked at the seven year old on the playground laughing and playing with Deidara and a couple other children. Hidan being so young... What could he have done at an even younger age that it could be considered problematic in the least?

"I went into a big brothers program and was given a four head old Hidan. I was shocked at his age, but was told he came from a violent home and needed a hawk eye on him at all times and constant attention." Kakuzu continued, now gazing at the little boy as well, this time with nothing but fondness. "It was tough at first, but the people said they had never seen him get so attached so fast. So when it was time, they wanted to try to move him to a foster home but he unfortunately for them made a huge fuss. I told them I'd give it a go and take him in, see how he'd like living away from a staff and they agreed on a trial period."

Sasori nodded wanting to hear more.

"Each time they extended the trial period more and more and more until one day a year later they wanted him to be adopted. His father was in prison himself for good now and Hidan needed a home. A family was willing to take him in... But I wouldn't let them."

"You wouldn't?"

"Yeah..." Kakuzu spoke with a small smile on his face. "They were pretty against it, but when the family quickly returned Hidan for being too hard to handle... They allowed a twenty-one year old me to take him for good."

Raising his eyebrows, Sasori was confused. "You... take him for good?"

"In a special filing cabinet in my house there is the most important document ever; Hidan's adoption papers."

Sasori's mouth went ajar. He had always assumed that if anything, Kakuzu was just a foster parent. However a parent-parent? They must have really bent the rules for Kakuzu.

"But he doesn't call you dad..."

Kakuzu snickered, "We don't have a father-son relationship and I'm more than okay with that. Just as long as that stupid punk is safe and in my life, I'll be okay."

Hearing that Sasori couldn't help but smile. "Hey Kakuzu... Still want to bash Hidan over the head with a toy?"

Kakuzu chuckled as he looked upwards into a a small peak of blue sky, "No I guess not. But if someone were to suggest taking him away? I'd bash them instead." Looking at Sasori Kakuzu smiled. "Thanks for listening, I feel a lot better.

"I hope things get better for you Kakuzu."

-x-

Driving home, Sasori adjusted his rear view mirror and looked at a very tuckered out Deidara who was more than ready for an afternoon nap.

"Yeah... I'd bash them in the head too." He mumbled turning the mirror back to it's correct position.

"...Bash...who...?" Deidara grumbled sleepily with his eyes closed, lips barely able to move on their own.

"Anyone who tries to take you away."

"...yeah...I bash...people who take...youuu too...un..."

Sasori snorted at the cute remark. Deidara wasn't a violent child so the thought was quite foolish. Especially with those tiny fists of his? What could they accomplish?

Oh Sasori you hypocrite. We'd like like to see you fight with those little fists of your own!

"Mm...yeah? How are you going to 'bash' them?" He then asked as he started the car.

With a little smack of his lips Deidara made himself even more comfy and sighed in content with his eyes closing again gently, "...I dunno...over the head with...one of my toys?"

* * *

just a lil back story on Hidan and cookiezu came to be. Don't beat children! BYE LOSERS


	44. Sasori and Pain make a bet

Pain grumbled as he sipped at his ice coffee. He wanted to hang out with Sasori today and do something really fun like play violent video games or get him a girlfriend. He really didn't want to tag along with the redhead and the brat as they went to the park and other frilly dilly baby activities! This was so boring! Not to mention that park benches were not the most comfortable things to sit on. And what was this weird forcefield that seemed to surround them? It was like every single female at this park wouldn't go near them...

Did Sasori have a bad reputation around here or something?

"So... This is what you do?" He asked as he took another sip of his drink. "Just sit here and watch it play?"

Sasori sent his friend a side glare, "Deidara is not an 'it', he's a very happy and healthy little boy."

"Sure doesn't look like one..." Pain noted as he narrowed his eyes at the child's questionable outfit choice of a romper and sun hat decorated with large, fake flowers. Definitely an outfit you would find in the little girls section of any store. All Deidara needed was a sunshine on the bum.

"I think he looks cute." Sasori pouted as he was a little offended since he was the one who dressed the child today. Not that his friend needed to know that.

Most 'normal' people would dress a little boy in a graphic shirt and shorts in place of the much more fancy-boy type attire. Hey! Katsuya gave Sasori money to spend on the boy so he might as well make the kid look good.

Plus Deidara sure cried loudly when he wasn't wearing something cute or fun. So it all honesty it was clothing the boy had picked out, not him.

Still sulking, Pain chewed on his straw, "I think he looks like a little girl."

"Hmph."

After a moment of silence there was a tiny whine as Deidara came rushing over to the two older males. Tugging at his pants he whined louder and louder, almost to the point of tears, "Edgie, edgie! I can't geddit out, un~!" He cried out dancing and writhing about as he tugged at the material gathering around his butt.

Turning the boy around Sasori wasted no time in picking the boys little wedgie and smoothing out the shorts. "There you go." He sighed out as he made one last adjustment; straightening out the sun hat.

Wiggling his hips Deidara smiled brightly now that he didn't have a wedgie. He himself liked wearing little one piece outfits, but having his underpants eventually crawl up his bum was really hard to get out all by himself.

"Thank ya Danna!" Deidara cooed as he reached for the face that instinctively lowered in for a kiss. In fact, if Deidara had left without giving him one, Sasori would have called the boy back and demanded one. That was like, the LAW after all.

After exchanging a few more sweet kisses Deidara ran off again with his trademark hobble to it, arms flailing. This kid was one hell of a bad runner. No grace whatsoever. Still...

Pain gawked, "Yo Sasori what the hell! Did you honestly just pick his underpants from his ass crack for him!?" He yelled, waving his arms around.

Sasori sighed and took a sip of his own cold coffee beverage. "Look - you don't understand but it's just easier this way, okay?"

Pain was bewildered by this though. The kid was six for goodness sake! Not three! How could Sasori drop his standards so low?

"No, no I don't get it! How in the world can you and Konan just coddle him like that? He'll never grow up to be a man if you keep treating him like a baby!"

Sasori just shook his head like the odd action was meaningless and not even a hassle. "Pain please, it's just easier this way."

"No!" Pain yelled shaking his head. "I refuse to let you be degraded by this... this MONKEY!"

Sighing Sasori shook his head now and rested his palm to his face, "Pain if you think you can do a better job handling this, I have a proposition for you."

Narrowing his eyes, Pain was curious now. "A proposition?" He asked, "What are you getting at, Sas?"

Sasori smirked, "I have some work to do at school tomorrow but the thing is Deidara has the day off from school. I was going to get Kakuzu to take care of him, but if you're up for the challenge you can watch him for the three hours I'll be gone."

"Will... I have Konan with me?"

"No, she has a class."

"So... Me alone with... him?" He asked disgusted, pointing to the boy who just happened to glance over and waved back to the hand gesture.

"Yes."

Pain bit his lip. He had never taken care of a child before. In fact he really couldn't stand them. Still, he wasn't one to back down from a challenge. Besides! If the varying types of people like Sasori, Konan and Kakuzu could handle the one little blond, why couldn't he?

"Deal!" Pain announced, sticking out his hand. "And if I do the job perfectly, you pay for my law textbooks!"

Sasori snorted. There was absolutely no way this was going to end well for his end. Deidara was already terrified of the guy so where did he get off thinking this would be easy?

"Deal."

Pain took a turn now in giving Sasori a weird look, "What? Aren't you going to ask for anything in return?" He asked sounding concerned hiw the little guy could get of acting so smug.

Shaking his head Sasori just smiled. "No no, just the fact I'll be getting some ME time is good enough... not to mention Kakuzu charges for babysitting."

Nodding to the reasoning Pain smirked in triumph and took another sip of his iced coffee as he stared down the little doofus in the romper and floppy hat. This was going to be a piece of cake!

* * *

uh oh spugetti o... ok so July will be a mini adventure starting off with this. see u losers laaater!


	45. Deidara where?

"Okay and this is the first aid kit, all the emergency numbers are on this list on the fridge, and most importantly..." Sasori started before reaching for two toys, "Bard and Birb!"

"Bard and Birb?" Pain asked as he held both toys in his hands, looking them over. Glancing down at little boy dancing around nervously at Sasori's feet he couldn't control himself. Snickering he sent a boy a nasty, "Boo!" and laughed some more at Deidara's terror.

This was going to be way too easy. He almost felt bad for Sasori!

Handing the two plush birds to Deidara, he watched the little boy dash away into hiding again now that he had gotten most his precious possessions back from harms way."Kinda ugly aren't they?" Pain had to ask since they were indeed some of the most ugly toys he had ever laid eyes on.

"Tell me about it." Sasori scoffed as he made his way to the opened car, his friend on his heels making sure he got all the info on the little boy before he left.

He had to win this thing after all. Text book money was on the line! Money that could be better spent on video games and booze.

Soon after tossing in the last of his boxes, Sasori sighed in pride at all his hard work; aka general heavy lifting. Getting this project accomplished would be a load off his back for the school year, especially without having to worry about a little brat running around his feet. In fact he was surprised to not see the boy running around and clawing at his legs as he loaded the car. Why indeed wasn't Deidara crying, screaming and begging him not to leave?

Oh well, more peace and quiet for him.

"Pain do you really think you can handle this? I can still call Kakuzu." Sasori asked, now doubting his decision to let his friend suffer and fail. And what if Deidara actually did get hurt being in this guys care? Who was at fault then? Him for believing Pain could actually do it; or Pain for screwing up the task.

Pain laughed though. Putting his hand on his hips he shook his hand, "Sasori please this will be easy! The kid is so scared of me that he will probably spend all his time playing in his room quietly!"

Sasori chuckled and nodded as he went to close the... already closed car door. "Huh? Oh right yeah, he really shouldn't be too big of a handful, but if still check up on him every now and then. He's probably in his bedroom sulking somewhere hidden right now so just give him some time to cool off." He suggested.

"And for lunch?"

"Anything but grilled cheese."

Pain crinkled his nose as the easiest option was being taken from him. "Why?"

"You don't wanna know." Sasori sighed as he recalled all the times Deidara would fluctuate between wanting the way daddy makes them or the way danna makes them. "Also don't feed him too much junk, he absolutely will vomit and that is not fun to clean."

Getting into his car Sasori waved goodbye to his friend, a little bit sad his little blond wasn't even there with Pain like he would have been if he had left him with anyone else. Well, the good thing was he wasn't clinging and crying. Still, he missed the boy waving to him goodbyes and sending him his sweet little air kisses.

"Don't be too hard on him Deidara." He chuckled to himself as he drove off to the university, worried about his friends sanity.

-x-

Pain sat on the couch immediately after seeing that the blonds bedroom door was closed. Heeding the redheads words, he decided to leave the little guy to cool off. If he was hungry he would have to come out ask for something. However for Pain, he eventually would have to get up go and physically check on him.

"Lets see what Sas has on his... massive HD television!?" He gasped as he looked at the screen that was crisp clear and oh so much of it. "And look at all the options! It's endless!"

Watching TV wasn't a very good choice on his part as he lost track of time. What should have been ten minutes of alone time for Deidara turned into thirty minutes of alone time. What then turned into TV time turned into nap time for the grown man as loud mighty snores could be heard roaring all throughout the house.

So loud that it would scare any lovebug that's for sure... But alas that wouldn't be a problem! That is unfortunately- for anyone and everyone.

Across town Sasori unloaded his boxes in two trips on a convenient provided trolley. As he picked up the last box from the first trip, he failed to notice the faint movement and the small creature emerging from the floor of the back seat.

Scampering around the car so his Danna wouldn't see him, Deidara bit his lip. What he was doing was very wrong and he knew very well that he would get in big trouble. If he got caught that is of course. If he didn't get caught, why then he'd be just fine!

Apparently Deidara didn't think much of the man who was supposedly watching him as he assumed he wouldn't notice he was gone. On the other end, apparently the man watching him didn't think he would even be gone! Of course Pain couldn't think of anything much as he continued to sleep on the sofa. Snoring and all.

Ooh! Deidara just had to be away from that guy and be with his Danna!

Watching Sasori take his leave, Deidara took this as his opportunity to stalk from behind. Being just so close was good enough! It's just... What he didn't take into consideration was that some of the doors locked when they closed as the one Sasori had been using locked behind him before Deidara could follow indoors.

"Uh-oh..." Deidara gasped as he struggled at the door to push and pull it open. "Ooh, how do I get in nnnow, un?"

Making his way around the campus in and around bushes to avoid people, Deidara slowly but surely found the front door. This one thankfully was not locked like all the others he walked by. Something else was going to be an obstacle with this door - a task most difficult for such a happy and cheery child.

"Hello! Welcome to Konoha University how can I - " the desk clerk spoke before freezing as she saw no one walking in. Standing up she looked around the floor to see nothing was there. "I could have sworn I heard the door open and close..." She finally muttered holding her head before returning to her seat once again.

Getting out from his hiding spot against the wall, Deidara carefully made his way down the hallways in search of his beloved Danna. This was only one place after all... How big could a university be?

"It sure is tough not sayin 'hi' back, un!" Deidara grumbled to himself as he thought about that nice lady who had ever so kindly greeted him.

Pain on the other hand grumbled as he snored on and on. What a nice nap he was having.

Looking from room to room Deidara began to feel forms of distress as he searched each and every never ending hallway. And this place had stairs? What kind of maze was this - he couldn't find his Danna anywhere! Peeking into one room he sighed at what looked like a big classroom. No speck of red headed mess was in this one either unfortunately.

Walking along the halls with his fingertips dragging along the walls, he sighed as he rubbed at his grumbling tummy. All this searching and adventuring sure had made him hungry! He could only imagine what kind of yucky mess that meanie Pain would have made for him. Like liver and onions just to spite him! Or rice pilaf! Or asparagus and other various yucky vegetables all mixed together!

Suddenly he gasped in horror. "What if he made me pee and poo poo soup!"

Ew! What a totally bad guy!

Carrying on though he eyed up a row of vending machines. Pressing his face to the machine he sighed and thought about his Danna. He thought about how the redhead would lightly yank him along and scorn him, saying something along the lines of, 'If I feed you this now it will spoil your appetite for the next meal!' or 'Like hell I'm buying you an overpriced chocolate bar!'. Then the man would get fed up and toss him into his arms and carry him around with a sweet hug while they finished their task at hand. Eventually in the end, silly Sasori would also cave and they would go out for dinner instead and together they would enjoy a simple 'happy' meal.

Just looking at these machines made his eyes grow watery as the stories unfolded. He just wanted to be near his Danna at this point; hunger meant nothing.

"Hey you kid! What are you doing here?"

Deidara gasped as he was called out to by a man around Sasori age; maybe more to that scary Mr. Pains. Running away immediately, this caught the man's attention. Something was suspicious about what appeared a lost little girl in such a large building.

"Hey wait! No stop, come back here!" He called as he too ran after the child.

Deidara didn't even respond but rather ran and ran until he found a good hiding spot; the girls bathroom. Not that the room being for women made any difference to him. Dashing in he found a good spot against the wall where he sat plop down on his behind, stuck his four fingers in mouth to chew like food and began to cry. This adventure was not a good idea after all!

He wanted his Danna! He wanted to eat! He wanted a good warm snuggle!

"Hey Yuki, do you like, hear something?"

"Yeah Chiyoko! I do like, hear something... Is it like, crying?"

Two women stuck their heads into the bathroom to see to their surprise a little Deidara sobbing on the floor almost in the fetal position. Of course being like every other woman on the planet who looked at the blond, they keeled over immediately to soothe the poor sobbing boy.

"What like, happened honey?" Asked the woman named Yuki as she held him close in a consoling hug. When he didn't respond to that question she tried again with another one that was probably more important, "What's someone so little like you doing here?"

"Unnnnmm! I wannateded to stay wih-hih Dannaaaa!" Deidara finally sobbed loudly with his fingers still jammed into his big mouth.

Immediately both girls cooed at the tender little cry, each grabbing for a part him to console and calm down.

"So you got lost from this like... Danna?"

Removing the slobbery fingers with a pathetic whine, "Unnn! He left me at h-home with a b-bad bad m-man an an I wanted to be with him an an an not the scawy man, un!"

More and louder cooing came from the females.

"Did you tell him you didn't want to be with the bad bad man?" The woman named Chiyoko now asked, holding the not slobbery hand tenderly.

"YES!" Deidara shrieked, getting sick of the image of his sweet Danna doing something so mean play over and over in his head. "AN HE STILL MADED ME HAVE HIM AS A AYBESITTER."

"What is your Danna's name? Maybe we can find him?" Yuki asked.

"No! If Danna knows I runded away he'll take away my birdies, un!"

"Birdies?"

Reaching into the pockets of his raincoat, Deidara pulled out Bard from one and Birb from the other. "They're my most precious toys an I love them s-so much!" He declared, using them to dry at his tears and breathing them at the same time.

Both girls looked at one another. At one point or another the child would have to go back home, but on the other hand they really didn't want to see the little boy get in trouble. This child was just so cute! If only there was someone at the University who could be his true hero...

"Chiyoko! Yuki! Are you in - what the hecko gecko is going on in here!?"

-x-

Rolling over, Pain smacked his lips. Now THAT was a wonderful nap! No Konan to bother him about sleeping for too long that's for sure. This childcare stuff was a breeze! See? He was right all along! You let the child be alone and they'll handle themselves just fine. Sasori's way of over doting was the wrong way to raise a young boy or girl. All this baby stuff too? This proved Deidara was no baby!

"Oh crap! Is that the time!? I've been asleep for that long? Sasori will be back in like forty minutes and I haven't even checked on, let alone fed that thing yet!" Pain yelped as he hopped up from the couch - the 'thing' so rudely referring to Deidara.

Skipping down the hallway he noticed the door was still closed and the house itself was eerily quiet as well... Opening the door he frowned at the sight of a clean and empty room. No playing child, no napping child, no child had even bothered him once while he napped!

Panicking, Pain rushed into the backyard in search of the boy. Again he wasn't there. Maybe he missed Sasori so he went to the redheads bedroom? No!? The bathroom? Neither of them!? The basement? Not there either!?

"Deidaraaa!"

No response.

Moving to another room he called again this time more angrily, "DEIDARA COME OUT NOW!"

Nothing.

Pain clenched his chest as he fell against a wall in pure horror. "Oh my god I lost the stupid baby."

Whipping out his phone he went to call Sasori first but froze. Tell Sasori that he not only failed, but that he failed so badly that the little man was probably going to kill him? What if Konan wanted to kill him!? That was quite the risk... Failure also meant that he lost the bet, but the longer the boy was missing the more danger he could be in.

"Augh! I really don't have a choice..."

Picking up his cellphone, Sasori could only smirk at who was phoning. Silly old Pain just calling to complain to come home sooner due to all the stress. Silly old Pain! He knew the guy couldn't handle Deidara. What a total whimp!

"Why hello there Pain~"

"Okay so Sasori listen to this and please don't be mad."

Sasori chuckled as he removed another art piece from the box to be reassembled at the school. "Oh come on now Pain, I've dealt with so much stuff with that kid I can hardly get mad at him anymore."

Pain swallowed the thick lump in his throat, "I more meant don't get mad at m-me... Or to better phrase it, please don't kill me."

Furrowing his brows Sasori was bow quite concerned. If anything though, it would probably just be Deidara being finicky over something stupid. "What happened? Is he okay?" He still had to ask, just to make sure.

Sucking his teeth, Pain looked for a way to word this correctly. Unfortunately he was having trouble as; "Well you see Sasori, I wouldn't know if he's okay... or not..."

"Um, why?"

"Haha haaa...because he's gone?"

Sasori lowered his chin and his eyes grew dark, "This isn't a very funny joke, Pain."

"It's not a joke. I really w-wish it was though!" Pain tried to speak in a painfully cheery tone even though now was not the time to be cheery.

"Did you look in my room? Outside? The basement? His dad's room? All the closets?" Sasori quickly suggested. "Is his bike still there?"

"Dude, I looked everywhere before I called you... And yes I can still see his bike."

Suddenly Sasori saw pure red. "So he's been missing for how long!? How long did it take you to search all those places? At what exact time did you notice he was missing? What were you doing when he went missing!?" He yelled, particles of his spit flying over everything.

Slowly bringing the phone back to ear after Sasori's yelling attack, Pain spoke in almost a whisper, "W-well you see I sat down, watched some TV, had a nap for a couple, maybe a few hours..."

"COUPLE, MAYBE A FEW HOURS!?"

"Well yeah I... You know, he didn't come out of his room to wake me so I could feed him so..."

"DON'T YOU DARE BLAME THIS ON HIM." Sasori yelled, letting the head of his puppet project fall the tabletop and chip. "HE'S SIX FOR GOODNESS SAKE! HE'S JUST A BABY!" He continued to yell garnering the attention of everyone currently in his classroom.

"Ahh...yeah.."

Sighing vehemently at the news, Sasori knew wouldn't be able to not only find the boy, but also punish Pain alone. "Konan is still at school, I'll go get her and we can start looking together." He panted as he tried to reason what could be done to save the child's life. "Continue to search around the house but stay there incase he comes home!"

Hanging up, Sasori quickly told his teacher and classmates of the predicament and was swiftly excused. As he ran, he looked around in places he thought might catch Deidara's attention. When he got to Konan he would also send Kakuzu a text, see if he knew anything or could help. Rushing further down the halls he didn't have time to text the girl prior as a pop in was good enough. Any sane person wouldn't mind having their class interrupted if a missing child was on the line.

It's human nature after all if a baby went missing due to an idiots' incompetence.

Bursting through the classroom doors, Sasori rushed to Konans' seat where she sat working quietly. "Konan!" He gushed out of breath, "Your lousy moron trash idiot of a boyfriend just l-lost Deidara an-an-and we gotta go find Deidara right now and then we will OBLITERATE Pain!"

Konan glanced at Sasori slowly but didn't show the shock or worry like he had expected. In fact her calm aura was almost addictive as he too began to calm down just being around her. Obliterating Pain was slowly turning into just killing. It was no wonder Deidara was such a good boy around her!

"I knew this time would come." She sighed raising her hand gesturing to the front of the room. "I agree on obliterating Pain though."

Following her pointed hand Sasori's heart leapt at the sight of the little boy sitting on the female teachers desk with a bright cheery smile as he chatted her up. That is until he saw the redhead...

"Wuh-oh!"

Sasori stormed over to the boy before swooping him up and giving him great big mighty hug, "Darn right 'uh-oh'! " he yelled as Deidara began to cry after the first yell. "You do not EVER run away like that again! Do you know how worried I was about you!?"

"Unnn!" Deidara cried as he tried to flee.

Sasori continued to yell as he held Deidara tighter and tighter by the arms,"Do you know how lucky you are that Konan found you? She's your hero! A savior! Your angel! You all alone on campus...near the city... You could have so easily been abducted since your so small, cute and precious and cute and little and tiny and so cute!"

"Waaah!"

Scowling as he kissed the boys face all over, he wrapped him tight in a hug as he bounced him back and forth. Deidara only continued to whimper against all the loving gestures that seemed to contradict the loud and angry yelling.

Grabbing Deidara's little hand now, Sasori held it up to his neck, "Do you feel that bump?" He asked the boy. When he received a little grunt from Deidara he continued still out of breath, "That's my heartbeat. My heart is so crazy that when I heard that that had moron lost you it went all the way up to my neck."

Deidara sniffled, "And if it made'd up to your b-brain you w-woulda died...?"

"Yes. I would have died."

Deidara let out another shrilling cry as he held onto the other male with a deathly grip. Millions of gargled apologies poured from his lips as he made no effort to let go. He clearly realized his big mistake and it made him really question if this whole adventure away from that meanie Pain was really worth it.

"Oh thank goodness for Konan..."

"Un!"

Panting and finally calming down, Sasori walked with Konan out of the room and took a seat on a bench outside of the building with Deidara still wrapped around him; crying. "How... How in the world did you even get all the way here without that idiot Pain knowing?" Sasori asked as he dabbed at the beads of sweat that had formed at his hairline with tissues Konan had so kindly given him.

Deidara sniffled and rubbed at his red, watery eyes, "I cwalled on the floor of your car when ya weren't l-lookin, un." he sadly admitted with Konan wiping at his dripping nose for him with even more tissues.

Sasori's head tilted back as he recalled the car door closing by itself. Okay. Of course. Sitting on the floor of a moving vehicle was stupid and dangerous, but for Pain?

"You mean you weren't there at all? The entire time!? You must have been really really sneaky today..." He sighed out as he got out his cellphone to call Pain and scream at him. How does someone not notice a child being absent for three hours? Three out of the four hours!

"Un..."

"Wait." Konan called out grabbing Sasori's wrist to make him stop dialing. "How about we make a little... prank on Pain as a punishment for his negligence?"

-x-

After stopping at a pharmacy and making it back to Konan and Pain's shared apartment, the two adults got busy bandaging up Deidara in an arm cast. They put bandages here and there, from elbows to knees, and finally a nice big one wrapped around his head.

"I look like one of them mommies..." The child noted as he looked at himself in Konan's pocket mirror. "Danna you did a good job even though I'm not hurted but I look like I am, un."

Smirking, Sasori gave one more tug and applied one small bandaid to the little hand. "Well, my granny was a doctor. I SHOULD know a thing or two about this stuff."

Konan could hardly contain her giggles at that remark. There was only one thing missing from this getup. "Sasori," she called, "You wouldn't happen to have a red marker, would you?"

Nodding Sasori dug through his school bag and pulled out a red permanent marker and watched her add a couple watered down red blotches to the white bandages as Konan applied purple eyeshadow around his eye as well as here and there. Now it REALLY looked like the boy was hurt.

"So what do we say happened?"

"Deidara walked all the way to the university," she started, showing off the little bandaged feet that had red spots. "then we say he fell down the stairs of the pedestrian bridge as he made his way from the parking lot to the school."

"Ouch!" Sasori seethed.

"Yup."

"What's a padestian bridge, un?" Deidara asked as they left the woman's apartment for Sasori's car so they could show Pain their little... Project.

"You know that bridge near my school where all you see the students walk over from the far parking lot?" Sasori explained as he moved Deidara from one hip to the other.

"Un!"

"That's it. " Sasori stated as he put the patched up baby into his car seat and buckled him up.

"Now remember what we told you to do?" Konan asked, turning back in her seat to face the boy.

"Lie!"

"Just for today though!" Sasori quickly added. "After this one little prank if you ever lie, there will be big trouble!"

Deidara raised a little bandaged fist and shook it, "Un! Cause lyin is super duper bad!" He yelled.

Raising her fist as well Konan cheered proudly, "You got it Lovebug!"

Pulling up to the Katsuya house, Pain dashed out of it and up to Sasori's car at top speed. "Well? Well!? Did you find him? Huh!?" He asked at a rapid speed, unable to stand still in his bare feet against the moist cold ground.

Sasori could only glare at the man as the fury set in. This was moron let Deidara wander off for three hours! Sure they had a prank to partake in, but at the moment all he really wanted to do was punch this guy as hard as he could.

So he did - right in the stomach.

Keeling over Pain collapsed in a painful coughing fit, "Damn...man... Didn't know you... could even...punch..."

While that was going on, in Konan's strong warrior princess arms lie a limp, bandaged Deidara who was doing an incredible job pretending to be unconscious! Oh wait. He was just asleep.

"Ohmahgad... I broke the baby!" Pain cried out in horror at first glance at the terribly injured boy. "H-how did this happen!?"

"The pedestrian bridge leading from the parking lot to the school..." Konan choked out, not even looking at her boyfriend as she was unable to tear them from the falsely bandaged and sleeping child. "The stairs..." The tears finally broke free and fell down her cheeks. "He fell down all those awful, awful stairs."

Falling back to the ground Pain grabbed at his head and cried in agony. He had done this. He was at fault. Not only was he terrified of now being beaten by a hoard of people, but there was a lump in his stomach punishing him for letting harm come to Deidara.

Who in all honesty was just a cute, fun lovin' six year old baby at heart with too much of that love so he had to share it with everyone.

Pain was the worst.

"I've killed the baby..."

Sasori narrowed his eyes at the statement and then at the sleeping boy. "Well, he's not dead..."

"I'VE KILLED THE BABY!" Pain yelled again and he groveled on his knees, tearing at the ends of his hair as he called out heavenwards. Oh the agony!

"Unnn... What's with all the noise, un? A'we done yet? I'm really really REALLY hungy now." Deidara said point blank as he smacked his lips and rubbed at the black eye Konan had given him, smearing the purple eyeshadow down his cheek and into his eyebrow.

"D-Deidara are y-you okay?" Pain asked, still hands on his knees but gently grasping a bandaged hand.

Whipping it away angrily, Deidara wasted no time in using the heavy and thick layers of bandage as a mallet to smash back down on Pain's big nasty head. "No! You're mean and hurted my feelings and are bad at your apposed job, un!"

Pain held onto where he was hit. Hit rather hard... Wouldn't that hurt the child's injured arm as well?

"You owe Konan a-a foot rub for finding me too!" Deidara then demanded, quickly looking at the woman for reassurance that that was the thing she had secretly asked him to demand from her stinky-pants boyfriend.

"Hey..." Pain gasped as he slowly as he got up off the ground, "You're not really hurt!" he claimed, waving his finger in the child's face accusingly.

Grabbing that wagging finger, Konan was quick it bend it back. "Yeah he might not be, but you certainly will!" She roared; Sasori standing angrily behind her with his hands on his hips ready to jump into the roasting of Pain.

* * *

there will be one more part to this lil saga ooo whoo. bye for now LOSERS


	46. Haircute

"So he broke into your car and went to the university with you... all alone, yeah?" Katsuya asked over the phone, sounding ticked off that his little boy would do something so stupid and dangerous.

Why couldn't Deidara have done something less dangerous like... Eating more playdoh? Or been a little monkey jumping on the bed? Knock over a lamp or a vase? Little things like that and not doing something that could have easily had him abducted forever because he's so cute.

Shifting the phone from one ear to the other Sasori sighed, "Yeah, gave me quite a heart thumping too. I... I really should have kept an eye out just to make sure, plus leaving Deidara with my friend... THAT friend in particular in the first place."

"No no, Deidara should have know better. He's not a baby after all..."

Sasori froze at that little remark. Not a baby? Not a baby!? This was coming from the guy who oozed and gushed l.o.v.e for his little boy. When did this sudden change occur and why the sudden change? Sasori had watched that boy run around the house like an animal in just his underpants for hours this morning. If that little punk wasn't a baby - why then he didn't have natural red hair!

Maybe Katsuya was secretly dying this whole time...

"Mm, and have you punished him, yeah?"

Sasori's eyes went wide at yet another odd remark coming from the man. It wasn't often Katsuya mentioned the P-word... Most of the time he would utter "Boys will be boys..." or "He's just a baby! No big deal." and even "Oh well! I have money that can pay for the damages".

Sure he could understand that the boy had made a stupid decision, but Sasori himself wasn't at all mad at the kid. He was just so happy that Deidara was safe and unharmed. If anything he wanted to punish Pain some more. He had more than enough punches left for him. However he was going to leave the torture up to Konan. Apparently she had a very special and devious way to punish the grown man.

Lulling his head side to side, Sasori thought back to the incident and what he did. "Well, I did have a stern discussion with him that what he did wasn't safe...Oh! And not to do it again."

"But did you punish him?"

Pursing his lips, after a moment Sasori finally clicked his tongue. "No I didn't." he admitted. "He's done so stuff now; it honestly didn't occur to me to do so... But he sure did cry a lot when I scolded him."

"Well I want you to actually punish him." Katsuya said once more a bit more firmer. "Beth says I'm too lenient on him."

Beth? Wasn't that his saucy young girlfriend's name? The one with that baby girl who isn't half as cute as Deidara.

"Did she? Well... Do you have any suggestions?" Sasori asked before he took a sip of his coffee, again not quite sure what to do. Clearly the man was getting new expectations now that he had been dating the woman.

Besides, what was Sasori going to do? Ban Deidara from TV even though he could clearly be entertained without it? Feed him food he didn't like every night for a week and stunt his growth even more? Deny him the affection that would render him to a pile of dead goo from lack of love? Take Bard and Birb away which would quickly lead to the death of both Sasori and Deidara?

Sasori included because he wouldn't be able to stand Deidara's cries and tantrums.

"Beth says Deidara should get a haircut."

Sasori gagged on his drink immediately. Get a haircut? GET A HAIRCUT!? DEIDARA - GET A HAIRCUT!?

"With a-all do respect sir, but are you insane?" Sasori sputtered as he wiped the coffee dribble from his quivering lips. Deidara loved his hair! Katsuya loved his hair! Konan, Itachi and even Hidan loved his hair! In fact, EVERYBODY EVER loved his hair!

Sasori included. Kakuzu maybe too. He hasn't said anything, but Sasori had seen the man run his fingers through the silky blond locks.

"Beth says her daughter may grow to be confused by Deidara's current appearance - even as far as to resent it."

Sasori scowled sourly. Beth says this! Beth says that! "So what, she's scared that her daughter might be upset her older stepbrother is prettier than she is?" He asked sarcastically.

Suddenly there was a weird noise over the other end of the line. Sounded as if Sasori hit the real problem on the head with a nail and hammer. This new lady sounded bitter over having the idea of having a son in law and was slowly turning Katsuya against him.

Deidara really was a beautiful little boy too. The beautiful little boy from Katsuya's late wife.

"Listen Sasori, get that boy a haircut ASAP. Beth is right, Deidara isn't my... a baby anymore, yeah." Katsuya mumbled sadly before hanging up the phone.

Staring into space for a moment, Sasori couldn't believe his ears. He had done a lot of hard tasks for the boy. From cleaning vomit, boogers, farts, and many other nauseating things, this was sure to be the most daunting since he was sure this would be the most painful for the both of them.

"Heya Danna! You oki?"

Sasori jolted from staring into space to see Deidara clung tightly around his leg. He had his chin resting on his thigh and his eyes glowing with absolute love and worry. Pure compassion. Usually after the first few seconds of attachment he'd attempt to shake the child off. This time he didn't even notice his arrival.

Picking Deidara up he rocked him around, tickling him now and then so he'd burst into a fit of giggles. "Please don't hate me Deidara." He mumbled, pressing the tip of his nose to the child's scalp.

Looking up from at his Danna from the snuggly arms, Deidara pulled away a bit and pursed his lips in confusion. Also showing the guy he wanted to give a smooch. "Don't be a silly, un, I could never ever hate you Danna!" He chirped as he gave a slobbery, wet kiss on the older males cheek.

"You say that now." Sasori muttered with a deep frown.

-x-

"Where we goin'?" Deidara called out from his back seat, sipping on his water bottle and kicking his legs - aiming his best for Sasori in particular.

Sasori drove with that deep frown still in tact from the day prior. Gripping the steering he growled in particular anger as he recalled the words that Katsuya had asked of him. They rang from ear to ear, getting all tossed around in his brain in the process.

"We're going somewhere you clearly haven't been to in a very long time..."

Deidara gasped in excitement, "Jello World!?"

"That..." The redhead sighed, "Doesn't exist, but if it did I really would love to take you there."

"Well if I ruled the world I would make it exist so we could go together, un."

Pulling up to the building, Deidara furrowed his brows. He didn't recognize the place but he had an eerie feeling he wasn't going to like what was in store for him. New weird places usually meant scary and/or mean things were going to happen.

As he was hoisted out from the carseat, before he could even get close to the ground, he tucked his feet under into a ball and clung onto Sasori with all his might. "Danna, I don't wanna be here!" He cried as he burrowed his face into the older males neck, clutching on even tighter.

Sasori bounced Deidara lightly and hummed, not even mad that the boy had tucked his feet under which was very irritating ninety-nine percent of the time. "So you know what this place is huh?" he asked as he tried to hide the worry in his voice.

Cowering now more than anything Deidara shuddered, "Nnno... But I can tell I don't really wike it, un."

"Well then we'll just have to investigate... and see if you're right to be scared, or m-maybe wrong."

Walking in, Deidara didn't even look up from the neck he was buried into. He was already expecting the worst and was by no means ready to see if he was right.

"Oh. Is it for the two of you or just him?"

Hearing a happy woman's voice he looked up with glee. Maybe this place wouldn't be so bad after all! As he looked around he could see the chairs and what was worse, he could see what was happening IN the chairs.

"HAIRCUTTINGS!" He cried as he moved to jump out of Sasori's arms. The exit was still just behind them, right? He still had a chance to run away!

Ironically even though he got scolded just a couple days prior for running away.

"You know," Sasori spoke up with his fake smile still plastered on his face, grip getting tighter on the little blond, "I think maybe we both need a... little cut?" He threw in hoping the thought the both of them getting this done would ease him.

"Nooo!"

Cooing, the female, who had some weird hairstyle and colour of her own, approached the two and moved to soothe the distraught boy child. "It's okay sweetie! We have kids all the time who are scared to get their hair cut, but in the end they realize it's not bad at all! In the end we even give out delicious lollipops~"

Deidara continued to cry, even starting to sob. This wasn't about candy, heck, this wasn't about being scared! This was about his precious and most beautiful hair! Cut it off? No thank you. No thank you at all!

"I DUN WAN CNADYYY! I WAN MAH HAR, UNNN!" He screamed so loud that he got everyone in the entire hairdresser studio's attention.

As he was forcefully taken to the seat, he stretched his body out, twisting it in a fight to be let go. "NO WHY ARE YA DOIN' THIS TA ME DNNA? WHY WHY WHY?"

Sasori bit his lip as he watched the cape be put around Deidara's thin little neck. Was the right thing to do? His father had asked him to do it even though he didn't want to do it. Never! Still, he couldn't help but feel the aching lump form in his stomach as he watched the child suffer. Just a couple days ago he was admiring the lovely long locks... Brushing them and ever continuing to learn new hairstyles. Next thing you know he was the one being told to get the hair forcefully removed.

Deidara was such a beautiful little boy!

"Oh Deidara, I'm so sorry..."

"NO YAR NOT!" Deidara continued to scream in between haggard breaths, "IF YA WERE I'DA NOT GETTA HAIRCUTTINGS, UN!"

Sasori couldn't tell him this was a request from his father. Deidara loved his dad so much and there was no way that he was going to get in the way of that bond! It was special... And he didn't want Deidara to grow up bitter about his new family.

Most importantly his new soon-to-be stepmother, Beth, who was apparently already bitter about him.

"D-Deidara..." Sasori finally managed to stutter out and he kneeled before the boy, grabbing his arms as he helped restrain him. "Do you know w-why you're getting a haircut?"

"NOOO!"

"I-it's because of what happened a couple days ago with you disobeying by coming to university with me..."

"I SAIDED I WAS SUPER SOWWY 'ND YOU SAIDED IT WAS OKAY! YOU SAIDED YOU FOGAVE'D ME, UN!"

Breathe in Sasori.

"Well you see Deidara, you're not a baby anymore and - "

"NO! I'MMA BABY, I NEED LOVE AND MY HAIR, UN!"

Shaking his head, that wasn't the only thing shaking as his hands trembled as he watched the hairdresser dampened his hair with the spray bottle. "Deidara you're a big boy now and big boys don't have long hair."

"WHY NOT, WHY NOT, WHY NOT?"

Sasori was left shocked. Why couldn't he have long hair? What was the reason he was supposed to give? Itachi had long hair and he was certainly no teeny tiny thing like Deidara. Katsuya knew of Itachi and surely of the boy being a bright young lad, why not Deidara?

Just because of what this 'Beth' lady wanted?

Watching the scissors, one quick snip took a micro sized piece off. That micro sized piece made his blood boil. If Deidara wanted long hair, then he was going to have long hair! Screw this 'Beth'!

"Don't cut anymore!" He yelled as he yanked back the boy from the chair, swaddling him in his arms to silence the distraught sobs. "I was wrong. You can have it long and grow it out till it touches your toes if you want!"

"R-really, un?" Deidara asked, peeping his head from the underside of Sasori's neck.

"Of course. Your father hired me to protect you. From your toes up to each one of the very hairs on your head I will make sure you are happy, healthy and safe."

Even if that means stepping in and protecting him from Beth.

Digging into his shoulder bag, Sasori pulled out Bard and Birb and handed them to the boy. He originally planned for them to be there for after the haircut, but this was just fine too.

"Well I sure am glad you finally came to your senses." The hairdresser snickered as she held the small piece of blond in between her fingers. Handing over the little piece of hair she smiled at the boy, "Here is your hair from the cut, I hope you come again."

Deidara looked at the probably tiny little piece of hair in his fingertips, probably not even thirty hairs. "This..." He sniffed, "Is all you took off, un?"

"Yup. Had a feeling red here would have a change of heart as soon as he walked in."

"Huh?"

Grabbing a tissue from a nearby box, she wiped at the tears still rolling down his face. "Uh-huh. You weren't the only one looking like they didn't want to cut off those pretty locks. Each time I touched them, Red's face was as if I was about to hurt you. He obviously cares about you a lot."

"Danna didn't want me to get a haircut?" Deidara sniffled as he took yet another tissue, little piece of hair in his lap.

"No."

"Then why'd all that scary stuff happen, un?"

Sasori went to speak but immediately froze. Again he couldn't tell the truth, but he sure as hell could lie. "I did it... As a... a test!"

"A test, un?"

"Yes! And you passed!"

"I did!?"

"Yes sir you did! So lets fill that little belly of yours with icecream!"

Looking up at the older male with wide eyes, Deidara immediately broke out into a large smile. "Oh wow! Iced cream!" He cheered, crawling up out of the twirly seat and into the safety if his Danna's arms. "You had me so scareded that I was gonna have my hair all cutted off, un!"

Sasori kissed the child on the temple as he rocked him back and forth. "I'm sorry you were so scared Deidara. I will do I better job from now on."

"Yeah! Never never ever do that again! That was even worse than when you aprended to cut your hand off, un!" Deidara yelled in an accusing manner.

This caught the female hair dressers heavily pierced ears. "Excuse me?" She unfortunately had to ask. Sad for her but good for Sasori, he was quick to slap his hand over Deidara's mouth to prevent anything else from slipping out. As he held back a laugh though, his gaze lingered on the little piece of blond hair that remained in her fingers.

"Could I have that?" He asked, pointing to the blond strands.

The hairdresser chuckled as she nodded. Getting out a little plastic bag, she reached foreward and slipped the tiny piece of hair in it and handed it over. "We usually do this for babies who get their first haircuts. Most moms like to keep a piece. By the way these types of cuts are free."

Sasori admired the strands of gold in the small bag and smiled almost as if he was scared, "Hopefully this... will be enough..." he mumbled thinking of Katsuya and Beth.

-x-

Perched at his computer desk, Katsuya rubbed inbetween his eyes. "So did you... Take h-him for the... haircut today?" He asked, stuttering as if he was about to faint.

Sasori narrowed his eyes at the mans reaction to this. It was almost as if the guy didn't really want his son to get the dreaded haircut. Nodding though, he reached to the table and held up the small baggy off blond hair as proof.

"I asked for a piece... You know... For memories."

It was there, that horrified expression on the mans face. Sure he wasn't screaming physically, but that face was doing more than enough that Sasori could hear it.

"You look upset?" Sasori asked, toying around with the bagged hair between his thin finger tips.

"HIS HAIR! YOU WENT AND CUT MY BABY'S HAIR, YEAH!" Katsuya finally yelled out in horror; so loud that the speaker on the electronic cracked viciously.

"Of course I did. I only did what you asked if me. Personally, I was against it." Sasori mused as he stared at the hair longingly, speaking and sighing as if harm had actually come way to Deidara's hair. "He looked sooo much cuter with his long locks too... All his sweet, darling little charms...just gone now..."

"NO NO NO!" Katsuya yelled again. "WHY DID YOU DO IT?"

"Because you asked me to of course. You're my boss."

The grown man was on the verge of tears as he began to break down. Sasori could only bite the innards of his bottom lip knowing that the boy playing happily in his bedroom with a belly full of treats and a head still covered in long lovely locks.

Then there was Katsuya...

"Would you like to see the haircut?" Sasori asked, done torturing the man and watching him suffer.

Because how dare he let a woman control him like that! Pathetic. In Sasori's opinion, men are superior in every way! Unless you were to count Konan's brute strength in comparison to his own. She's a beast...

Katsuya wiped at his nearly falling tears and took a few deep breaths. "Yes. Let me see the torture I have brought upon my sweet, tender angel, yeah."

Sasori nodded. "Deiii! C'mere and show your daddy you're haircut!"

A very distant 'okay' could be heard along with a barrage of floppy foot stomps. Climbing up onto Sasori's lap, Deidara greeted the electronic with a wide smile. "Hi dadd- oops!" He called before stopping as his cherry lollipop fell from his mouth onto the safety of the back of his Danna's hand. Trying again with the candy going back in and out of his mouth this time, "Hiya daddy!"

Sasori on the other only glanced at the sticky red spot before sucking the area clean of the cherry flavoured sugar.

Katsuya though...

"Deidara... Honey your hair..."

"Yeah!" Deidara giggled as he tugged at the long locks. "I got a haircut! Isn't it a haircute, un?"

"That's a haircut?"

Poking his head from behind Deidara's, Sasori smiled at the father. "No, this is a haircute. Isn't it nice?" He jeered proudly with a hint of smugness.

Katsuya looked at his happy son perched on Sasori's lap who was looking just as happy. "Why you punk..." He chuckled into the palm of his hand in relief. "He's okay. His hair is okay..."

"Of course."

"That little piece was all that was cut, yeah?"

"Of course."

Looking at his son who had cherry red lips, teeth and tongue, Katsuya smiled. "You did a good job today." He then looked at Sasori and sighed in fondness. "Good work."

"Of course."

Ending the video call after a quick chat, Deidara hollered out to his father in a cheery tone, "I love you daddy! Virtual kissies, un!"

Katsuya smiled guiltily and sent his boy some kisses as well. "Yeah, I love you too angel pie. Stay safe."

With the call ended, Deidara swiveled around in Sasori's lap and squished at the older males cheeks, bringing him in for a sticky kiss on the forehead. "I love you too Danna!"

Sasori's eyes went wide at that. "Huh?" He grunted in shock hearing the endearing words of love from the child. The last time someone said they loved him, it was his granny! And only his granny...

"Kissies, un?" Deidara asked, pushing his hair back out of his face so he was ready to receive.

"Yeah sure, kissies..." Sasori mumbled back, still in shock as he leaned forward to give Deidara his own forehead kiss.

"And we can have hotdogs for dinner, un?"

"Yeah..." Sasori said smiling as gave another forehead kiss, "Whatever you want."

* * *

last part of this lil adventure and now I can get back to random fluff. sorry for Beth's name. I just needed generic foreign name aka not a Japanese one. also ya like grilled cheese they also eat hotdogs


	47. The puzzle

"No scissors!" Sasori hissed as he reached to rip the small kid-scissors out of Deidara's grubby hands, placing them on the table in front of him.

In turn, Deidara quickly frowned at his Danna and clutched the little piece of cardboard he still held tightly. "But if I cut it away, then it will fit, un!"

Rolling his eyes Sasori sighed at the boys pure stupidity. "That's not quite how puzzles works Deidara..." He groaned, putting down another outer piece.

"Then what about this piece here!" Deidara tried once more by trying to shove a piece down into a place with a little too much effort that would be usually needed for such a simple task.

"No Deidara, that's not how it goes."

Deidara looked up at his wise Danna still frowning. Not how it goes? The puzzle piece fit just right! What does he mean, 'Not how it goes'? Was he finally losing the last of his sanity? Danna was already pretty wacky quacky as it is...

Maybe the guy needs to see a brain doctor or something.

"See Dei, it sorta pops out of where you put it - "

"But only just a lil itty-tiny bit, un!" Deidara ferociously screeched, grabbing the piece back from Sasori who was in the process of taking it away. "This is where the 'uzzle piece goes! It fits an it's sorta red like the piece aside it."

Sasori sighed, not even going to scold that inappropriate yell. "If you compare the piece to the picture, what do you think you should see there?" He asked calmly already knowing better than to upset the boy any further.

"Un... Red and white..."

"And what's on your piece?"

"Red and purple..." Deidara mumbled, pouting at the little piece. Suddenly it finally occurred to him like a bolt of lightning. "This one doesn't go in this one spot, un!"

"Yes, right!" Sasori cried with a round of applause. "Now if you don't mind, why don't you go back and finish YOUR puzzle?"

Deidara looked back at the larger and fewer pieces on the floor, rather than the many smaller ones on the coffee table. "You mean the one that makes into the picture of the duckylings?"

"Yes."

"With the not a hundred pieces?"

"Yes," Sasori yet again confirmed. "your puzzle has forty six and mine has two hundred."

"Sooo un," Deidara patted the tabled humming in thought. "that makes yours more difficultier and mine more easier, un?"

"I guess..."

Deidara gasped in delight, another bolt of genius-lightning striking him. "So that means you need my help even more, un!"

"No! I can do this myself! I just have to finish the outside rim and then the rest will just finish itself; no big deal." Sasori claimed as he put down a few more rim pieces, each one fitting perfectly.

This was easy! Well, it was just... After he finished the outer rim of the puzzle, he was stumped. Sure he got a few more pieces in, but he'd been staring at the thing for ten minutes now without a single piece of success. How come all that practice making puzzles with his Grandmother wasn't helping him now? She always had him do them with her since she believed the television rotted the brain - which by watching Deidara now proved to be true. Besides, to not be able to finish this puzzle in front of Deidara would be down right embarrassing! Well, it would be if Deidara managed to finish HIS puzzle which would be unlikely.

"Danna are you stuck, un?"

Sasori looked up and growled at the child who had gotten far too cozy across the other side of the table. "I thought I told you to finish your own puzzle!"

"But I did Danna!" Deidara claimed. "I finished it a few minutes ago an wanted to show you, but ya looked so focused I didn't wanna bother you."

"And yet here you are..."

"Yes! Deidara is here!" The boy cheered, not sensing the undertone of malice that was behind his Danna's observation.

Sasori sighed and gave the child a nod to come back in helping him; even though he really didn't want the kid there. Not that Deidara was finished his own puzzle, he REALLY had to finish his. Why was it taking him so long to do it? Perhaps he was just rusty. Yeah, that has to be it. Maybe his granny was right on the whole TV rotting your brain thing.

He had been watching a lot of those awful kiddy cartoons as of lately.

Unfortunately for him, low and behold the very first piece Deidara picked up he was able to find where it went. That was definitely a jab at his tender ego.

"I did it, I did it!" He cried with joy before crinkling his nose and growing quiet. "I did it, right?

Sasori sneered, "You sure...did..."

From then on it wasn't so cheery. Deidara tried and tried but was unable to - oh wait! He got another piece in its place! This was great and definitely time to be cheery!

"I'm the best, Danna! The best, un!"

Piece after piece Deidara placed them where they belonged and Sasori couldn't believe his eyes! Where did the boy who asked if he could cut a part off go? He could have sworn that the boy who had requested that was the same brat in front of him, speeding away at the puzzle.

"Haha, Danna! You were right, this is super easy after the outside is all done haha!"

Narrowing his eyes Sasori reached for a different piece and went looking for where it went. He tried here, he even tried there... But alas the piece wouldn't fit anywhere! Maybe it just wasn't the time to put it down so -

"Here Danna, I think that piece you have goes here, un!" Deidara chirped, grabbing the piece from the older males hand and placing it perfectly in the spot he gestured to. "See? Is this a perfect fit?"

Sasori was fuming now. "Yes... That fits... Perfectly..." He seethed as he looked down at the child who in turn looked up at him, hoping to hear commending words of a job well done.

It's just, instead...

"Danna, you don't look so well, un." Deidara noted, uneasiness swelling in his stomach. "Are you fustrated that ya can't do the puzzle right but I can?"

That snapped Sasori right out of his angry spell. How did Deidara know that was the reason?

"Not going to lie to you Deidara, I am a little angry you're so good."

Deidara gasped in horror, his eyes widening and getting glossy in fear his Danna wouldn't want to play with him anymore ever again. An angry Danna was never a good thing since he liked to take things away. No bike riding, no TV, and no toy time! How mean! However if he lost the joy of playing with or even near his Danna, well then that's just too much.

"B-but why!?"

Sasori looked at the sad, pathetic face that was so full of worry and sighed, "Well you see, it's just because I'm so darn jealous."

"Jellalous, un?"

"Yes, well you see, I used to do puzzles with my granny all the time when I was younger so I deemed myself to be quite the professional at it..." Sasori froze as he waited moment before carrying on, just to be sure the boy was following along correctly. "Well when you started being better than I was, that made me a little... Jealous."

"Danna is jellalous of me...? The great mighty Danna!?"

Sasori grunted as he rubbed under his nose. He was not one to snub a bit of being worshipped, even if it was by Deidara; the child who was delighted by nearly everything on the entire planet. Excluding animal abusers and Pain - the man in this case. Neither of those delighted him and were about on the same level unfortunately.

"It's okay Danna!" Deidara cried as he lunged himself at Sasori's leg, resting his cheek on the older males knee. "I think you're still super-dee great! Let's work on this puzzle as a team, un, okay?"

"As a... Team." Sasori repeated slowly.

He had never been on a team before. Sure in school he had forcefully been made to join up with other classmates for projects, but that was because no one else would take him. It was the same with sports teams too.

Chuckling, Sasori this time ruffled the child's long hair with a smile. "Team Sasori and Deidara, huh?"

"Yes!"

Well this was some sweet quality time together. The two got started on working on the large puzzle but even with Deidara's help, the two didn't make it very far. This, was one doozy of a puzzle.

"Hm," Deidara groaned as he moved around the piece of cardboard, looking for it's spot. Suddenly something occurred to him. "Oh hey wait - you've said before you have a gamma!"

Sasori didn't like where this was going.

"Deidara, we're not calling her to help us with a puzzle."

Besides, she lives two towns over. Thank goodness...

The boy shook his head violently. "No Danna! You have a gamma! I didn't know you have a gamma, un!"

Stunned by this, Sasori nodded slowly. "Yes I do... Don't you?"

"Nope I have no gamma's, but I have a one gampa... but daddy says I'm not allowed to see him."

"Not allowed to see?" Sasori asked, thoroughly interested now in the boy's story.

Perhaps this was the reason Katsuya got a complete stranger to watch his son in place of an actual family member. Even if they weren't very close, a family member was usually a better choice for a babysitter.

Leaning in on his elbow, Sasori twirled a puzzle piece between two of his fingers and pursed his lips. "So Deidara..." he spoke slowly, "why can't you see your... gampa?"

"It's not just my gampa either! It's my uncle and two cousins, un!"

Sasori frowned. "That doesn't quite answer my question, but rather raises some more."

Because cousins, doesn't that mean more friends to play with? Sasori had cousins and they certainly wanted to play with him, even though he at the time had no interest in younger kids. That would also mean that uncle was another adult who could care for him altogether since it would be one more kid after all.

"Mm..." Deidara looked at his hands nervously. "Daddy got in a fight with gampa and uncle..."

Sasori was about to ask another question but stopped short. By the look on the boys face, this was a rather touchy subject for him. There was so way he was going to pry any further, just to end up with the kid crying.

"It's okay Deidara, you don't have to tell me anymore. We can save it for another day."

Looking up, Deidara smiled yet Sasori could still see a gleam of sadness in there. "Thanks danna."

"No problem, brat."

"By the way, I think that piece you're holding goes here, un." Deidara mentioned pointing towards a sea of white.

Sasori smiled and ruffled the blond hair before moving to caress Deidara's cheek, "My goodness, I do believe you're right."

Deidara giggled at the praise and loving gesture. Nuzzling into the warm hand he gripped it as tight as his small hands could. Honestly from the other side of the table, the action was very... cute.

"Hey Dei, you seem to be a super professional at this... you want to come sit on my lap and show me how it's done?" Sasori asked patting his lap, offering the boy a snuggle.

This elated Deidara to no bounds. So much praise from his great Danna? And the offer to cuddle up to him without being shaken off? How could he refuse this wonderful deal!

Crawling around the coffee table at top speed he plopped himself into Sasori's lap and snuggled in, but not so much he couldn't help with the puzzle. Sasori did his part in turn by grabbing a nearby blanket and draping it over their legs to make things extra snugly.

"So do you have any pointers for me, Mr. Super Puzzle Man?" Sasori asked, bouncing his legs a little to amp the child up in excitement.

Deidara hummed as he picked up a piece and tred placing it in a few place. Finally, he gasped and grabbed for his kid-scissors that remained on the table in front of Sasori. "Y'know Danna, if we just cut this lil nub off here..."

"No scissors!"

* * *

i think it's obvious who the grandpa and cousins are. idk if I will talk much more about them though as it was more of a blurb as to why a a stranger like Sasori is taking care of babydei. anyways.. BYE LOSERS


	48. Alien Princess

"Oh Konan... You're so so so super so pretty, un." Deidara cooed gently as he sat on her lap, pressing on her tinted pink cheeks that were drastically different from Sasori's sickly pale glow. Maybe the guy should start wearing blush as well so he wouldn't look so sick? He pushed back the strands of blue that would get in the way of his admiring and sighed loudly, "You're the coolest Konan!"

Now of course Konan couldn't help but feel pride in herself for being so great in the child's eyes. As of lately she felt as if that loser Sasori was taking up all her baby's affection. How dare he! She loved him first! Honestly she could have sworn that Sasori hated Deidara guts... What happened to that?

Swooping Deidara in for a tight hug, she planted a barrage of kisses onto his forehead that lead down to his cheek making him giggle furiously. Another thing that she just loved to hear from the boy was that 'c' word. She had been cat called, hooted upon and hit on for being beautiful; but never had a boy call her 'cool'.

And oh boy, that sure meant the whole world to her.

"So what spacies are you, un?" Deidara finally asked, tugging on her oddly coloured hair.

Konan didn't think twice about the little hair tug since Deidara was certainly not the most gentle kid, but she rather focused on what was said. Well, the nonsense that was said because what exactly is,

"Spacies?"

"No no, that doesn't sound so right..." Deidara mumbled to himself in an internal conflict. Mumbling quietly some more he searched for the word in his vocabulary. He was certain he had heard it before from one of the bird books Sasori had read to him. Curse that guy for not reading it to him three times in a row! Why only three? More like six would have been better.

"Speeesheee...?"

"Species?" She corrected, hoping she had also guessed right.

Nodding in delight he grabbed at her hair again. "Un! Species! What species are you?"

"...human?"

Deidara frowned and this and tugged at her hair a little harder this time making her flinch a bit. "No! What SPECIES are you, un?"

Frowning at the boys decision to tug so rudely at her hair, Konan grabbed both his wrists and looked him in the eyes. "One! We do not pull people's hair. Two! We do not repeat the things in a yelly voice when they do not understand. And three! What the heck are you talking about?"

"Species! Species!" Deidara yelled again unfortunately. "I'm an apparent blond-thing and Danna is a redhead. I've seen oranges, the reds, blacks, blonds and browns and then-then even whatever Hidan is... But why ya blue?"

"Oh well you see..."

"Ah! If you're an alien it's okay! You can tell me, un. I'll not only still love you, but keep your secret and besides, I've always wanted to meet an extra tanestrial!"

"Oh cheese and crackers..." Konan sighed, rolling her eyes with a big smile. "Is this what this is all about? The colour of my hair?" She asked pressing the tip of her finger to Deidara's nose.

"Un... It's not exactedly a human color ya know."

"Goodness gracious you're so cute." Konan sighed as she rolled her eyes since he did have a bit of a point. Guess it was time for Deidara to learn about a little thing called hair dye. "Well the thing is I..."

"Hellooo~ I'm home!" A dripping wet Sasori called as he burst through the back door with both arms loaded with groceries. "You would not believe the hellish day I've had! While at the store, the grocer broke my eggs while packing them, then traffic was backed up to kingdom come and have you seen all that rain? Yuck!" He complained as he set the bags down on the kitchen table. "Thank you Konan for babysitting him while I went out. Taking Deidara would have without a doubt made it one hundred times worse!"

Smirking, Konan stood and carried the boy to the back door where her own coat and boots were and put them on. Quietly she grabbed her purse and went to grab the door knob, "It was no problem Sasori! You know I love this little guy."

Deidara gaped, "B-b-but what a-about the-"

"I'm glad you had a good time!" Sasori cheered happily as he took a seat at the table with a quick snack. By the looks of it, not only was he cold and tired but he was also very hungry. So much so that he cut off a little stuttering Deidara.

Glancing down at the disheartened little face, Konan beckoned over Deidara with her finger and got on one knee. Pushing back a thick lock of blond hair she whispered into it making Deidara's jaw drop.

"Well, I best be off!" She called waving goodbye to Sasori and then to the still frozen child. "See you later~"

"Yeah bye." Sasori grumbled as he stuffed more food into his mouth. As he continued to feed himself, he failed to notice that Deidara hadn't really moved from where Konan left him. Instead of standing he moved a bit and was now sitting there... Just staring into...space.

"Oi Deidara, are you okay?" He asked swallowing the last of his food as he picked the boy up onto his lap.

"I knew it!" He finally screeched, of course in Sasori's ear.

Flinching, he didn't even bother scolding the kid for the yell right into his poor ear. "Knew what?" He did ask though.

"Alien warrior princess from another universe, un!"

Warrior princess was usually directed towards Konan... But what was this about aliens now?

"What did that damn woman tell you this time!?" Sasori hissed, already grabbing his phone to scold the woman for filling the brat with more nonsense.

"Shh!" Deidara raised a finger to his lips. "It's a secret!"

And unfortunately as much as Sasori begged, bribed and pleaded to know... Deidara did a very good job at keeping the secret! Oh that Konan... Oh that scoundrel.

* * *

somethin short and sweet I guess. Konan will never not be a stinker.


	49. Not-birfday

"Happy birfday Danna!" Deidara cheered with excitement as he stuffed a crudely drawn picture of the two of them having a jolly good day wherever that patch of lime green grass was located.

Park? Backyard? School? Somewhere imaginary? Who knows! And why was the sky full of so many birds? There was more (huge) blue birds than there was blue sky!

Sasori took the picture away from being crammed into his face and looked at it though. The potato looking Deidara had a large bow on its head and in between the odd potato creatures was a box with another bow. Then there was of course those birds. So. Many. Birds.

The picture gift aside, Sasori had to crinkle his nose in confusion. It was still spring! His birthday was either months ago or not until many months later. Why was he getting wished a happy birthday NOW of all the times? Spring was smack dab in the middle of it all!

"Deidara, the picture is lovely and I can't wait to hang it on the fridge with the other hundred million pictures you've drawn for me, but it's not my birthday." Sasori said, still giving the boy a pat on the head for the consideration.

At least the boy thought of him! Not to mention this was a rather nice picture. Deidara's potato people were vastly improving! There was a dot nose on the Sasori potato and the hands actually had five fingers. No more no nosed, three fingered potato people that's for sure.

Deidara frowned at this day not being his danna's birthday and stuffed his fist into his mouth to sulk. "Ssso when is yur birfday then?" He asked gargled by the fist with drool oozing out the sides, "We haven't celaberated it yet and we totally did mine monthes ago, un."

Pinching the bridge of his nose Sasori tried his best not to let his anger over the fact Deidara was in speech therapy yet still spoke like a little idiot. If anything the kid was getting worse at words he used to be good at.

"My birthday was in November." He said, using his hand to wipe at the drool before it could dribble onto the floor.

"Un..." Deidara mulled over in thought, "so you haven't had it yet?"

Wiping his wet hand on his sweat pants Sasori sighed, "For this year? No. For as long as I've known you? Yes."

Deidara paled. "Huh!?"

"Yeah?"

Ripping his fist from his huge gob of a mouth leaving a huge trail of spit from his hand to to his lips, Deidara gasped in horror, "So that means I missed it! I'm a terrible, un!"

Sasori glared at the wad of drool that still managed to make it's way onto the floor. Moving his foot he wiped it up with his sock. No big deal, he was quite used to whatever would come out of the child now.

Now scratching the back of his neck though, he recalled the day rather vividly... It had been normal school day, the day prior he even got a letter in the mail from his grandmother wishing him a happy birthday, however the normal part of the day was when Deidara dropped the TV remote when they were fighting over it; meaning Sasori had to call Katsuya had to send a payment to get a new one. They went and got the new one and while out bought a box of oreos, Sasori's favorite cookie next to his granny's homemade double chocolate chip.

And that summed up his 'special' day. Yup. Just like any other day though. Annoying granny, breaking things, and eating cookies to quell his frustration.

"Well you really shouldn't blame yourself, if anything it's kind of my fault for not telling you, haha" Sasori laughed as he realized the child may have wanted to celebrate it with him - even though he didn't even want to celebrate himself.

Deidara thought that last quip was anything but funny. Raising a hand he smacked Sasori on the nose, making the older man flinch back and scowl.

"Hey! No hitting; you know better than to do that! You need to use your words young man!" Sasori scolded, wagging his finger at Deidara; the finger itself getting closer and closer.

In response to that though Deidara wagged his finger right back until he realized he was within range to hit his Danna in the face again. This time even harder than the last.

"Ow! Hey you-"

"No! Hey YOU, UN! How DARE you not tell me you haded your birfday already! I would have throwed you a wedding!" Deidara yelled not-so-surprisingly loud.

"A wedding? You mean party right?"

"YEAH. SURE. OKAY MAYBE I MISTAKED. BUT HOW OLD DID YOU TURN? THIRTEEN? FIFTEEN? THIRTY MILLION? I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE!"

Sasori frowned, "Wait, you don't know how old I am?"

And what was up with the suggestion of thirteen and fifteen? Is that honestly how old the brat thought he was? That actually really hurt his pride as a man. He was not some boy still going through puberty!

"Who knows! You coulda have haded nine secret birfdays and didn't even tell me, un!"

Sasori didn't even bother to try and correct how that would be impossible.

Scratching his nose now though, Sasori nodded in thought, "Um, well I'm twenty now if you want to know. But when we first met I was nineteen."

"So, un, that makes you... one, two... seven, nine, eleven... fourteen years older than me!"

Eyebrows raised, Sasori nodded in shock. "You're actually correct! Very good math Deidara." he said patting the little idiot on the head.

He couldn't help but give credit when due. This was DEIDARA after all. Which isn't saying anything because the boy did actually did rather well in school. Too bad the foolishness of the child outweighed his actual grades.

Crawling into Sasori's arm, to which the man was quick to to scoop him up, Deidara pulled his Danna into a big hug and patted him on the back lovingly. Head rested on his shoulder, Deidara sighed in content now that he had calmed down, "Don't hide these thingies from me okay? You're my bestest friend so I feel bad that I couldn't make that day super special, un."

"Bestest...friend, huh?"

"Yeah...Hey, isn't that new lady my daddy is now special friends with fourteen years younger than him too, un?"

Sasori paled a bit.

Deidara wasn't going... To suggest...

"I hope when you're older like daddy we can be special friends too!"

Eyes darting around he panicked, "Oh goodness gracious... How about we just stay best friends?"

Deidara smiled wide and pulled away with his pinky finger up, "For your birfday I give you my forever best friendship, un! Promise!"

Chuckling at the gesture, Sasori raised his pinky and shook Deidara's. Sasori never had a best friend before so if the boy wanted to be one, sure.

"Okay, but I believe in things that last forever so you better keep it!" he yelled cheerfully before tickling at the little boy's ribs making him giggle like crazy.

"Haha! Who knows Danna!" Deidara laughed as he grabbed at Sasori's face and gave him a big wet kiss on the forehead, "Maybe one day we actually will be special friends, un!"

"Yeah no..." Sasori mumbled as he rolled his eyes. Grabbing at a little hand, he then kissed the back of it and smiled against it, "All I need from you is for you to be my little best friend forever."

"Okay! Happy not-birfday, ya doof!"

* * *

nov 7 (this day for future readers) is not his birfday. BYE LOSERS.


End file.
